The Rising of the Resistance [PG]

Started by PoisonOwnzYou August 9th, 2007 6:29 PM
  • 1038 views
  • 4 replies
Age 28
To your right..keep going..keep going
Seen February 24th, 2008
Posted September 2nd, 2007
148 posts
15.9 Years
~Chapter One: The Beginning~

“Grovyle, finish it with leaf blade!”

“No! Buizel, return. Go, Arcanine, use extreme speed!”

“Not so fast, Grovyle, stop it in its tracks with bullet seed!”

“Arrgh! I lost again, I have to admit, you trained your Grovyle very well.”

This was the fight between two advanced pokemon trainers, Mike and Lily, in their hometown of Orebourgh City. They both enjoyed fighting with pokemon, and were fierce rivals ever since they set out on their journey to be pokemon trainers. As Mike called back his Grovyle into its red and white pokeball, the shadow of a huge bird swept over them, and when the two trainers looked up, they saw the yellow mane of a Pidgeot, and around the Pidgeot’s neck was a red amulet with a 10 point star on it. When they saw this star, the both looked at each other, and then ran for cover as hundreds of rebels poured out of houses, unleashing countless numbers of pokemon to destroy the mysterious stranger.

The red symbol around the neck of the Pidgeot was the symbol of King Hail, a powerful tyrant who took the entire pokemon world by force. He was armed with extremely powerful pokemon and was able to take the throne as King in less than 3 years. Everyone feared him except for a group of rebels known as The Resistance. The Resistance was masters of sneak attacks and was able to hold their own in the endless battle for power.

The mysterious stranger riding the giant bird dropped a pokeball unleashing a giant dinosaur that let out a piecing cry that made the rebels shiver, and suddenly the sky was darkened by a blanket of wings as thousand of soldiers swooped down from the mountains, unleashing countless numbers of pokemon in their wake, and had only one thought on their mind, kill.
-TO BE CONTINUED…


This was my first time I ever wrote a fan fic so please have mercy..
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
As it is now I won't critique it and I'll remain tempted to close it.

I'll give you a chance to make the next chapter considerably longer. I don't think you're taking it seriously yet.

I hope you prove me wrong.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Age 36
Seen 17 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Steven's right. This is on the short side, and there are ways to make it longer. (I'll critique for you a bit, if you don't mind.)

The first thing you could add to is the battle. Can't we read about the Pokemon battling? how do they move? How do they attack? Your battle just seems lacking. Right now, because I don't know how, I find it hard to believe that a Grovyle can defeat an Arcanine because I don't know how.

Okay, I'll give this to you. You wanted to end on a cliff hanger so the readers will keep coming back for more. That's good. However, you ended your chapter so short that your fic might be closed for not meeting the length requirements. And that would be a shame, because the quality is actually quite good. And since you can tell a tale so well, that would keep your readers coming back. Right now, I was enjoying your story so much that I was upset that it ended so soon.

So, continue on with your chapter! Write this massive battle and show us how Mike and Lily are affected by this and what their part is in this story. Suck your readers into this world and don't let them go until the very end.

A few small mistakes, though.

“Grovyle, finish it with leaf blade!”
Attacks are generally capitalized.

Orebourgh City
Is that supposed to be "Oreburgh City", land of men who talk to fossils?

As Mike called back his Grovyle into its red and white pokeball, the shadow of a huge bird swept over them, and when the two trainers looked up, they saw the yellow mane of a Pidgeot, and around the Pidgeot’s neck was a red amulet with a 10 point star on it.
This could be considered a run-on sentence, and there are many ways you could split it into shorter sentences.

3 years
In this case, you write out the number. So it's "three years".

piecing
The correct word is "piercing".

The mysterious stranger riding the giant bird dropped a pokeball unleashing a giant dinosaur that let out a piecing cry that made the rebels shiver, and suddenly the sky was darkened by a blanket of wings as thousand of soldiers swooped down from the mountains, unleashing countless numbers of pokemon in their wake, and had only one thought on their mind, kill.
Again, yet another run-on sentence.

Oh, and don't think of this as me being mean to you and pointing out your errors. Think of this as me taking the time to help you improve as a writer. That's all I want.

Avatar credit: Fairy