A Beautiful Gift

Abskull

Link's Huggle Thing!^.^
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    Acck!! Please move this!​
    A Beautiful Gift​

    ​

    Chapter One ? Madam Drada?s Mansion



    Heather Vernice and Keith Latrin are two twelve-year old kids who live in a small town in New Jersey. Heather has long, wavy, brown hair and bright blue eyes. Keith has spiky blonde hair with coffee colored tips and mocha eyes. They like to run around in an old mansion. It once belonged to a young woman named No?l Drada. She died at the age of twenty-six, no one knows how. The mansion is said to be haunted, but that doesn?t scare Heather or Keith, they love the place. They?re the only people in the whole town that will go in. Normally because it?s not the safest place to be and also because people are just plain scared to go in.



    ?Hey Keith!? called Heather. Her voice echoed through the halls of the mansion. She was standing in front of on old trunk. Keith came running through the hall. Both of them kneeled down. Heather blew off the dust. Both of them saw a small, tarnished, gold plate. It read:



    In liebevollem Ged?chtnis von No?l Drada​

    ​

    ?What the?? said Keith, ?What does it say??



    ?I bet it?s in germen,? replied Heather. She tried to open the trunk, but it was closed shut. Keith stood up and grabbed some scrolls. All them were in germen.



    ?But how could this be? We?re in America, how could something from Germany be here?? Keith asked.



    ?It was probably ported from Germany,? said Heather. Keith started to look at the scrolls all of them had this one word that was in every scroll.



    ?Hey Heather, what does Lodernder Vogel mean?? asked Keith.





    ?I don?t know. I don?t speak germen,? replied Heather. Heather stood up. They walked around and saw pictures of Phoenix?s.



    ?Why are there so many Phoenix?s?? asked Keith. Heather shrugged.



    ?Maybe Madam Drada like?s them,? she said. They started to walk out of the house when all of the sudden they heard a voice.



    ?Turn back,? it said, almost like a whisper. Both of them gulped.



    ?Let?s get out of here,? said Keith. They walked quickly to the door. They ran out of the house.



    ?It?s getting late,? said Heather, ?We?ll talk more about this tomorrow. Keith nodded. They ran to their homes and ate dinner.





    ​
     
    Oooooh Spooky a bit short though and you didnt describe the phoenixs
     
    Erm... although you started off describing things and with a bit of background knowledge, it kinda went downhill from the first paragraph on. For one thing, you don't need to press return 5 times to start a new paragraph. Twice will be sufficient. If you are trying to make it longer... you failed quite miserably. If you weren't (and I'm hoping you weren't) then it's completely unnesecary.

    Another thing is that you wrote it in present tense to start off with. Towards the end of the chapter however, you changed it to past tense as the characters started to speak. Past/present mix-up isn't great... and is incorrect grammar, which should be sorted.

    As I said before, you started off quite well describing things such as the personalities and the actual physical appearances, but when the characters started speaking, there was virtually none. The house itself wasn't described at all, neither were the pheonixes and the chest itself. It's little things like this that make the fic longer, and makes the reader want to go on with the story. It'll also improve the length of the fic... which was pretty short by the way...
     
    hmmm... intresting. but i`m with EaU. where are the pokemon?
     
    That means you guys have not read the post all the way through. I said to move this, it's not supposed to have Pokemon in it.
     
    ooops! okay. we shall wait. *sits down* is it moved yet? no? oh...
     
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