[Pokémon] A Trainer named Cubone

[ChrisTom]

Again, one of my first stories. Deleted now though. Thank you, don't come again.

 

[Masquerainisthajam]

This is a pretty good fanfic. It's interesting to know that there are some children named after Pokemon :) James Koga seems to be the all-around bully in your story; I didn't ever think that he would be the son of the Gym Leader.

If you want to create a dialog between two people, use some spacing like this.

"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"

Therefore, we know who is talking. When you run it altogether, it gets a little confusing. Rescuing Charmander was a nice touch to the story, then coming to find out that Charmander would not leave you alone. However, you said later that Kyle was the one who threw Charmander into the ocean. Was Kyle in the group with James Koga? If so, then that group is a bad influence! :0

In "The Shorcut", you were going to Celadon City to challenge Erika. Who were you talking to in the first dialog? Oh, one of the Pokemon you have is a Spearow, not Sparrow :)

In "Celadon City and Erika", it was a good battle with nice use of technique in the Pokemon, but it would be good if you had some dialog between the trainer and Erika. Also, you should include what each Pokemon used in their attack like Petal Dance or Flamethrower.

This is overall a pretty good story so far. I enjoyed reading it!

P.S. I don't know about the "spikes" thing. You got me stumped there! :)

 

[ChrisTom]

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate all the tips and advice. I am new to Fan Fiction but I just wanted to say a few things:

1. Thank You for realizing the whole Spearow incident I felt bad about that when I couldn't remember how to spell one of the most common Pokemon names.

2. I never said Kyle threw Charmander into the ocean. Charmander said Kyle sold him.

3. I have always been told to be slightly vague with stories. That way you don't have to explain everything you can let your reader find out the rest on their own. The person Cubone was talking to was the guard at the entrance to Cycling Road.

But Thank you for the advice and for being (from what I can tell) the only person who has read this story!

And as for the Charmanders Spikes, Its super secret. But if you friend me I'll let you know!

1 more thing the poem below is not about the character above

 

[Miz en Scène]

This isn't my first time giving a review, and it definitely won't be my last. At first glance, your fic struck me as tl;dr(too long; don't read), but I decided to anyway since I noticed a few grammatical mistakes, and you don't strike me as the type of person who'd retaliate rudely at a review.(I hope)

Here goes my review, corrections in red bolded, and comments in (red bolded parenthesis).

[FONT=&quot]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Beta Starts Here~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A Trainer named Cubone[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I was born in Fuchsia City. This isn't your average hero's birthplace, as I am not a hero. I was born on July 23rd 1996 at approximately 3:16 AM. The reason I remember this is because my Father owned a Hoot-Hoot who chatted with my neighbor's Chatot. You get the idea. Basically[/FONT][FONT=&quot],(An introductory element is usually set off with a comma.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] until I was [/FONT][FONT=&quot]seven(Do not use numeral symbols in writing except for when writing dates, addresses, and the time.),(Use a comma to set off Parenthetical elements[/FONT][FONT=&quot] every year [/FONT][FONT=&quot]on(The prepositional phrase 'on' is used for dates.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] July 23rd at 3:16 AM[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the Chatot would scream[/FONT][FONT=&quot]('Chatot would scream' is a dialogue tag. Use a comma.),[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "Cubone is born! Cubone is born!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Do not use two exclamation marks or a question mark and an exclamation mark together consecutively. It is grammatically incorrect.)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In case you haven't figured [/FONT][FONT=&quot]it [/FONT][FONT=&quot]out yet[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] my name is Cubone. My parents thought it was a funny name and they liked it because what brought them together was a Cubone. One day[/FONT][FONT=&quot], while[/FONT][FONT=&quot] they were looking outside Rock Tunnel for a Cubone[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and when they both saw one they threw their Pokeballs at it only for them to hit each other, and then realize that the other was there[/FONT][FONT=&quot](I think you should rephrase this. It sounds awkward.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. Yeah it's a cute coincidence[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] but I still [/FONT][FONT=&quot]don't(present tense)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] think you should name your child after a Pokemon whose self-esteem is so low he wears a mask.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Well I am[/FONT][FONT=&quot](A contraction could work better here. It's only a suggestion though.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] not like that at all. Or at least[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I hope I'm not. I have one loyal friend, Mason, who is like a brother to me. We always went down to the beach [/FONT][FONT=&quot]to try and[/FONT][FONT=&quot] find Krabby[/FONT][FONT=&quot](The plural of a Pokemon name is itself. The apostrophe that you used did not even signify the subject as plural, instead it means that you omitted the phrase 'is', as in 'Krabby is')[/FONT][FONT=&quot]then[/FONT][FONT=&quot] get them to use Bubblebeam[/FONT][FONT=&quot](That sounds dangerous…)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] on us. Mason was from Ecruteak and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]he[/FONT][FONT=&quot] told me of stories his Grandfather told him. Stories about [/FONT][FONT=&quot]brave[/FONT][FONT=&quot] little Weedle who took down Dragonite and Golduck who antagonized [/FONT][FONT=&quot]vilagges[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Until I was [/FONT][FONT=&quot]seven,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I'd never [/FONT][FONT=&quot]even [/FONT][FONT=&quot]heard about the Zoo. The Zoo was just another place I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]had [/FONT][FONT=&quot]heard about but didn't ever go to, like the Lickitung Sushi Shack or the Arcade that had a Dinosaur on top of it. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]However,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] when I found out from one of my [/FONT][FONT=&quot]peers [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that they had rare and elusive Pokemon I had to go. As I ran to the Zoo[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I saw James Koga, the City bully.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Not only was this kid mean, he had Pokemon to prove it. His dad gave him one of his old Ekans when he turned 10 and ever since [/FONT][FONT=&quot]then [/FONT][FONT=&quot]he had been terrorizing[/FONT][FONT=&quot](what? This sentence is incomplete.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. He didn't even battle other trainers, he just made his Ekans bite, and squeeze people till they were begging for mercy. I turned as sharply as possible but it was too late, he saw me. I ran fast, but he ran faster! And to my horror he had an Ariados! He quickly [/FONT][FONT=&quot]released[/FONT][FONT=&quot] it and got on top as it scurried towards me [/FONT][FONT=&quot]at mach speed.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] At the last moment[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] when I thought I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]had gotten [/FONT][FONT=&quot]to my street[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] it jumped right on top of me leaving [/FONT][FONT=&quot]me [/FONT][FONT=&quot]immobilized underneath its insectoid legs. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As James got off[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]he glared at me with those one inch thick eyebrows he [/FONT][FONT=&quot]had [/FONT][FONT=&quot]no doubt inherited from his dad. "Hey Cubone!" he said in a sarcastic tone[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"What's the rush? Don't you know [/FONT][FONT=&quot]it's(Apostrophe here to show omission of the word 'is'.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] rude to not say high to your best friend?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I tried to emulate his glare, but [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I[/FONT][FONT=&quot] more or less ended up looking like a Granbull[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "[/FONT][FONT=&quot]You're(Apostrophe to show omission of the word 'are'.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] not my friend! I've only met you twice and neither time was very pleasant!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Oh is that so?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Yes!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Oh, ok! Well then [/FONT][FONT=&quot]let's[/FONT][FONT=&quot] get acquainted!" He [/FONT][FONT=&quot]reached his hand[/FONT][FONT=&quot] into my pocket taking out my 5.00Pk.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"There now I'm sure you know[/FONT][FONT=&quot](what? Sentence is incomplete in this context.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]!" As he ran off with his Ariados[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I cursed and went home with a sullen attitude the rest of the day.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bureaucratic Pokemon[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]So [/FONT][FONT=&quot]let's[/FONT][FONT=&quot] move it up to the day every Pokemon lover waits for. The day of Recognition by the Pokemon League as an Official Trainer(there sure are a lot of capitals)! So every August 30th in the Kanto region you get a Pokemon by your local giver. A lot of kids who [/FONT][FONT=&quot]had [/FONT][FONT=&quot]heard about Red wanted a Bulbasaur or a Pikachu. I just wanted whatever they had left. I got up to find that my Mom made me a breakfast of Sausage and Toast. I walked up to the wardens office to find it packed as always with new Trainers, old Trainers, and Trainers trying to get new licenses. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Here came the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]bureaucracy[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. "Name?" shrieked[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Why is she shouting? It makes no sense.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]receptionist.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Cubone Herso Mamoru."[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] "Mothers Name?" she shrieked once more[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] "Jannette Ray Casten."[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] "And Fathers Name?" At this I stopped because I couldn't remember [/FONT][FONT=&quot]his[/FONT][FONT=&quot] middle name since they were divorced.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] "Uh.... Randy Herso Mamoru?" I said with little confidence. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Ok," she barked once more in her salty accent[/FONT][FONT=&quot](salty accent?),[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "Now what Pokemon would you like as a Starter?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I stopped because I didn't know what I wanted mainly because I didn't ever have a favorite. "Well," I said[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "What do you have?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]She looked at me with a disgusted look that made me feel sorry for the future of customer service. After typing in several things she grumbled[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "We have a Chansey, Floatzel, Squirtle, Spinarak, Gastly, 2 Geodude, uh..., thats about it." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I considered the choices and decided [/FONT][FONT=&quot]on [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Floatzel.[/FONT][FONT=&quot](You might actually want to show that he said that, but this is ok too…)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "Yeah we're out of those." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"WHAT! You had them 2 seconds ago!" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Well they're gone now." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Ok then Chansey." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Out." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"OUT? "[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Yup."[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Ok whats left now?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Squirtle, and... [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that's[/FONT][FONT=&quot] it." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Fine just do it now before [/FONT][FONT=&quot]it's[/FONT][FONT=&quot] gone!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I didn't want Squirtle, in fact it was the one I probably wanted the least[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] but I understood [/FONT][FONT=&quot](understood what exactly?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and took it to the beach to show Mason. Mason was [/FONT][FONT=&quot]nine[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and was so envious but he still thought it was neat. I wish I could give it to him. But I tried to learn to love it. Everyone I challenged[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I lost [/FONT][FONT=&quot]to, but I still tried to enjoy its company.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Day of Grieving[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Eight [/FONT][FONT=&quot]days after I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]received[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the Squirtle[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I decided to go shopping with it at the local Pokemart[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot]M[/FONT][FONT=&quot]ainly because that's the only place you can bring in Pokémon to shop. I thought some Potions might do him [/FONT][FONT=&quot]some [/FONT][FONT=&quot]good considering how weak he was. He must [/FONT][FONT=&quot]have[/FONT][FONT=&quot] had 10 Hp[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Now how did he know that just by looking at the thing?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. After finally purchasing the items[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I put Squirtle back in his ball because he was about to eat several Rage candy bars and I didn't have nearly enough money for those. After[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Repetitive, use another word phrase the sentence differently.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] stepping outside[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I saw none other than James and his friends trying to test out a TM on his Electabuzz. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Oh god!" I thought. At this point James was 13 and had [/FONT][FONT=&quot]gotten[/FONT][FONT=&quot] 4 Badges. He had a level 20 Arbok and I knew if that Electabuzz[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Where did this Electabuzz pop out from then?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] got anywhere near Squirtle, Squirtle would not just faint he would die! I took a big gulp of air and slid the Pokeball all the way down my back pocket. I counted to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]three[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and then ran as fast as I could! I tried not to look back. I didn't want to look back! I ran harder and harder and tried to weave my way through the buildings. I couldn't see him but I knew [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that [/FONT][FONT=&quot]James was right behind me. My heart raced and my feet hurt[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] but I still ran. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Another corner and then[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] THUD! I ran into a dead end alley. "Do I dare look behind me?" I thought over my intense heartbeat.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Sure enough[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] there was James. "Oh, Crap!"[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Hello! Nice to see you again.[/FONT][FONT=&quot](You don't need to use exclamation marks for everything. It wouldn't be logical if he was shouting anyway.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] If I'm not mistaken we're already acquainted?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"For the last time, No! Just leave me alone!" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Oh don't be so grouchy," he said with the same [/FONT][FONT=&quot]one[/FONT][FONT=&quot] inch eyebrow glare[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "That 5.00pk you gave me really helped me out!" His Electabuzz walked right behind him and looked around sniffing. "So Cubone[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] what do you have for me now?" He snapped his fingers and his Electabuzz walked up [/FONT][FONT=&quot]to me, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and snatched the plastic Pokemart bag from my hands and handed it to James. "Oh just a couple of potions. Well I don't need these my Pokemon all have at least 60 Hp." I just hoped he didn't have cognitive thinking skills. "But wait." Crap. "If you have potions then you must have a Pokemon." He grinned. "Well where is it?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"I don't have any[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot]" I lied[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Oh really?" He withdrew his Electabuzz and then searched his pack and then found another small Pokeball. He threw it on the ground and a Pokemon I hadn't seen before popped out "Sniff him out Electrike!" The little dog came out and jerked his quick head around sniffing [/FONT][FONT=&quot]furiously[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. I backed up to the wall as much as I possibly could[/FONT][FONT=&quot];[/FONT][FONT=&quot] trying my best to conceal the Pokeball. The Electrike paced back and forth sniffing my legs. He gave a shock to me all of the sudden[/FONT][FONT=&quot](I suggest rephrasing this because it sounds like he was feeling shocked rather than the feeling of electricity coursing through his body.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. The pain was immense! I was [/FONT][FONT=&quot](No one squirms while they're paralyzed.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]paralyzed. The Green Creature put his snout into my pants pocket and walked back happily to his owner. "So what do we have here?" He slammed the Pokeball on to the ground and my Squirtle popped out dopey and confused. "So you want to battle? No need to answer I understand [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that you're[/FONT][FONT=&quot] speechless in my presence." I really wanted to hit him[/FONT][FONT=&quot].(If the sentence isn't a dialogue tag, please put a 'period' at the end.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Alright then, Electabuzz go!" I tried to reach the ball to save Squirtle but the shockwave was so strong all I could do was scream "No!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Paralysis usually means that your throat muscles are too…)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] as the Electabuzz slammed down his electric fist on to my only Pokemon[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]How I saved a Pokemon's Life[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Assuming the Squirtle died, why is it that he didn't tell anyone? Why hasn't James been punished?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I tried to get over what happened but eventually got over it. I still had to go to school, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]but I[/FONT][FONT=&quot] tried to avoid James as much as I could. We had heard that he had gone to the Elite 4 but I knew that that wasn't true. At his rate he probably had 5 gym badges. He seemed to be the type who didn't like battles with Pokemon[/FONT][FONT=&quot];[/FONT][FONT=&quot] only people. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]One[/FONT][FONT=&quot] year after the incident Mason got his Pokemon, an Abra. He said he wanted one because he thought they looked wise. I thought they just looked sleepy. Everything remained the same [/FONT][FONT=&quot]up [/FONT][FONT=&quot]until a month after I turned [/FONT][FONT=&quot]twelve.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]had[/FONT][FONT=&quot] to buy some groceries from the local supermarket, when all of the sudden[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I heard a scream[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Wait, Charmander scream?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]from [/FONT][FONT=&quot]faraway. I listened again and it sounded like it was coming from the beach. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I ran to see what the matter was and I saw the infamous James Koga and his friends throwing a Charmander into the ocean! I was furious but I knew from experience [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I shouldn't interfere. If I got anywhere near him I would be hurt in some way involving his Arbok who was right next to him. I tried to conceal myself behind a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]nearby[/FONT][FONT=&quot] tree. I could [/FONT][FONT=&quot]hear[/FONT][FONT=&quot] him taunting the poor creature who was writhing in agony[/FONT][FONT=&quot](How is it writhing in agony when it's drowning?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. He laughed and laughed as it screamed in [/FONT][FONT=&quot]agony.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"CHAR! CHAR!" Thankfully[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot]James[/FONT][FONT=&quot] finally left on his Skarmory. I ran to the sobbing creature who was being pulled out by the current. In a rush of adrenaline[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I just dived in for him. I learned [/FONT][FONT=&quot]a lot[/FONT][FONT=&quot] of my swimming by coming to the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]beach, but [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the current was strong. I got to the creature and then hurried it back to the beach where it coughed and still cried. I felt so sad for the Charmander. He had spikes on his back. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"That's odd[/FONT][FONT=&quot],(A comma because there's a dialogue tag)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]" I thought to myself. Spikes on Charmanders haven't been around since 500 years ago. There were a few who still had them but they were rare like Shinies. We learned about it in Biology. They were called Vestigial Defensive Appendages. I watched the little guy shiver for half an hour[/FONT][FONT=&quot](-_- Sadistic much… He watched a Pokemon shiver for half an hour before deciding to bring it home? Sorry couldn't resist, but still, fix this.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and decided to take him home considering the damage that had been done to him. His flame looked like a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]light bulb[/FONT][FONT=&quot] that [/FONT][FONT=&quot]was[/FONT][FONT=&quot] about to go out. And so[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] that's when I decided that [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Charmander was going to be my partner. So I tried to get to know him. He seemed very brave, but stubbornly loyal. I tried to let Mason pet him but then Charmander bit his hand [/FONT][FONT=&quot]on the[/FONT][FONT=&quot] spot. He would follow me everywhere. I mean everywhere. I couldn't use the bathroom without him trying to come in. Everytime I tried to put him back in his ball he would run away as fast as he could, like a child afraid of bedtime. A bit hypocritical[/FONT][FONT=&quot](What? Why is this hypocritical?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. Anyways, I decided I would go for it. I would go for the League Challenge. I let my mom know and she was ok with it, as long as after every badge I would come home. I grabbed my stuff, and set off.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Shortcut[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I decided to go with Erika[/FONT][FONT=&quot]([/FONT][FONT=&quot]That means he wants to go with Erika on his journey. Rephrase it, so that it means that he wants to battle Erika first.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] first considering the locality[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Doesn't Fuchsia city have a gym?)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] of it all. But[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] there was a problem.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Oh come on just let me pass!"[/FONT][FONT=&quot](In all seriousness, your readers need to know what's happening here regardless of whether you want to be vague. Minimal description is fine. Nothing at all isn't._[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"No, I'm sorry sir. Nobody is allowed on without a bike." Cycling road of course was meant only for bikers, but the only bike shop was on the other side of Kanto. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Fine!" I said. I knew that there was another way I could get through. I got out my Sparrow who I had just got that day and grabbed on to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]its[/FONT][FONT=&quot] tiny little legs as it made me hover [/FONT][FONT=&quot]two[/FONT][FONT=&quot] feet above the ground. I then realized that that was probably torture and moved on to my next plan. I would swim the bay to the forest that led up to Vermillion and walk from there. It wouldn't be too hard, after all I saved Charmander by swimming. Boy was I wrong. I got stung by at least 10 Tentacool. When I finally washed up onto the shore I was beat. I knew I had to continue but the woods were scary looking so I sent out Charmander just to be safe. I walked and then it started to get dark. I faintly noticed some lights and tried to walk to them. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Finally I made my way out of the dark forest and in front of Diglett's Cave. There was a sign in a small information building outside [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that read,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] "Tours of the World Famous Diglett's Cave only 15.00 Pk!"[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I [/FONT][FONT=&quot]then[/FONT][FONT=&quot] marched on to the local Pokemon center where I had my Charmander, Sparrow, and Krabby heal. Pokecenters are local free services funded by the state. However[/FONT][FONT=&quot],[/FONT][FONT=&quot] there are some things [/FONT][FONT=&quot]that [/FONT][FONT=&quot]they charge [/FONT][FONT=&quot]you for[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. Like when you [/FONT][FONT=&quot]need lodgings for the night(The other one was wordy and awkward.)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Ok the one night charge for a Trainer is 10.00 Pk!" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Alright." I said[/FONT][FONT=&quot], while[/FONT][FONT=&quot] forcing my hand to release the money. I slept that night in the upstairs room 254C[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and tried to fall asleep when Charmander waddled up to me and got in my lap. Although I found it hard to sleep with a flickering tail made of fire near me I still fell asleep soundly.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Beta Ends Here~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I couldn't do all the chapters because now I'm tired. Your main problems lie with commas and the fact that you have to start dialogue with a new sentence. Which you do by pressing the enter button twice. You have a good vocabulary(or are you using a thesaurus?) so I have no qualms about that. I didn;t comment much on logic because doing grammar is hard enough. I might sound tough, but that's how it is.

Aside from that, Welcome to F&W!
[/FONT]

 

[processr]

If you post your story on the Internet, people will critique it. Syntax and grammar are important elements of a story - I don't know how you can argue that because it's fanfiction that somehow excuses sloppy writing. Hence why people will point out where you've gone wrong, so that you may improve your writing in those areas and enhance the reading experience. So instead of getting stroppy about it, read the critique and take on board what's been said.

(FYI, F&W stands for Fanfiction & Writing, I presume.)

 

[ChrisTom]

Fine fair enough. I just still don't appreciate the way he went about doing it.

Sorry for getting crotchety but it did annoy me.

 

[Miz en Scène]

Uh wait, Ninja'd while I was responding.

At first glance, your fic struck me as tl;dr(too long; don't read), but I decided to anyway since I noticed a few grammatical mistakes, and you don't strike me as the type of person who'd retaliate rudely at a review.(I hope)

I guess I was wrong -_-

Alright here's what I have to say.
Firstly, I DID NOT, I REPEAT DID NOT USE A THESAURUS!!!

You don't have to shout. I put it in parenthesis and meant it as a joke. You didn't have to go all CAPS-LOCK OF RAGE on me...

Secondly, I appreciate your help I really do, but you didn't have to do that. Nor did I want you to do that. I realize I made mistakes. I notice them! I'm not perfect! I'm 13!! And did you ever take into consideration that this is FAN-FICTION!!! It's not the Great American Novel!!

Welcome to the Internet... When you post something in the P&W there is no way to avoid constructive crit. Yes you;re not perfect, yes this isn;t the Great Amerian novel or what not, but why didn;t you proofread before writing this? The P&W has standards you know.

Also there is another problem you have. Do you ever notice that the way you type things in the "Message Box" don't always turn out the way you want? I did this in word and then Copied it into here.

Usually the only thing wrong would be spacing errors. This is remedied easily by pressing enter twice after a line break.

Thank you for some alot of your advice. It does make sense sometimes. But another thing; Bubblebeam is not dangerous if your not a Fire-type. Seriously, he's shooting bubbles.

Then say blow bubbles not bubblebeam. Bublebeam even hurts other water pokemon in the game.

Also as to your "Why doesn't James Koga get caught?" question I can answer that with another question. Why doesn't Team Rocket get caught? Because he is such a bully not even adults want to mess with him.

Even the biggest bully can succumb to the law you know.

If you saw a giant tempered Electabuzz beating up a Squirtle would you tap it on the shoulder and say "Hey could you tone it down a bit?" No, you wouldn't because he would hit you before you could reach the word "could".

Asaulting a police officer is an offence. If he was reported to the police, would he really be that stupid?

And another thing, I don't like reading stories with that many spaces in the middle

because

then

it

would

get

pretty

annoying

to waste

that

space

and

scroll.

That's a rather weak attempt at justifying your mistakes. All novels write like this. If not your writing looks cluttered and it turns away the readers.

So there is that too. May I also ask why you find it so important to point out everyone of my flaws? Again I thank you for alot of your advice about repitition and that one bit about paralysis, but don't make me look like I have the grammar of a monkey. Even if I do that doesn't make a difference. I know my grammar is bad, but at least I know not to point out everybody else's flaws. You for example have a nickname that's longer than one of the ads on this site.

Because this is the Fanfiction and Writing Section where everything is under scrutiny. Even the best of the best fics have people who review every single mistake. You want people who don't criticize you, get a mirror and a diary.

Also, I'm glad I didn't finish the review if this was how you were going to retaliate. And another thing, have you read any other fics? This is how its done. Have you even read the rules for that matter. Also, sorry[/sarcasm] if my ungodly long name offends you.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Ninja'd while writing this. >.<

I see that you're new to writing fanfiction. As such, I'll address your attacks on your review and tell you what is wrong with your reaction.

Firstly, I DID NOT, I REPEAT DID NOT USE A THESAURUS!!!

We don't expect you to use one. We only expect you to proofread what you write and make sure it's coherent. You don't convey your message very well if you don't take the time to make your fiction of reasonable quality.

Secondly, I appreciate your help I really do, but you didn't have to do that. Nor did I want you to do that. I realize I made mistakes.

We also realize that you make mistakes. That's what a reviewer is here for. They help you notice your mistakes because, frankly, you probably won't otherwise. Also, you're right, he didn't need to do this. However, he did it to help you find your flaws and correct them.

I notice them! I'm not perfect! I'm 13!! And did you ever take into consideration that this is FAN-FICTION!!! It's not the Great American Novel!!

Using your age as an excuse to attack a reviewer is not okay. It's also a lame excuse for poor writing. I've seen 13 year olds that write on par with college students. As for your second statement, yes, this is fanfiction. It also happens to be a post on a public forum, which means that people have the right to critique it. Why would you post it online if you didn't want constructive criticism?

Thank you for some alot of your advice. It does make sense sometimes. But another thing; Bubblebeam is not dangerous if your not a Fire-type. Seriously, he's shooting bubbles. Also as to your "Why doesn't James Koga get caught?" question I can answer that with another question. Why doesn't Team Rocket get caught? Because he is such a bully not even adults want to mess with him. If you saw a giant tempered Electabuzz beating up a Squirtle would you tap it on the shoulder and say "Hey could you tone it down a bit?" No, you wouldn't because he would hit you before you could reach the word "could".

So are you thanking him for some or a lot of his advice o.O?

Past that, in canon, Bubblebeam can be a dangerous attack to any Pokemon. Your fiction seems to follow some sort of canon a majority of the time, so you should try to be more consistent.

On the subject of James not getting caught, we would believe it more if you portrayed it better. Also, comparing James to Team Rocket is weak, at best. Team Rocket is an organization, which has many, many more options available to them to avoid detection by the authorities than James would have alone. The don't need to go up to him and ask him nicely, either. If they see him beating up on someone else, odds are that they would use their own Pokemon to confront him. It's safe to assume that law enforcement would have stronger Pokemon than him as well, else they wouldn't be effective officers of the law.

And another thing, I don't like reading stories with that many spaces in the middle

A majority of the users of this forum don't like reading fictions that resemble cinder blocks. Putting a space between paragraphs is used on this forum because you can't tab over to begin a new paragraph like they do with published works. Clearly denoting a new paragraph is an essential formatting tool that helps the reader read it easier. Remember, when you post a fiction online, you're not writing for yourself as much as you are for your audience. You have to remember to take into account their formatting preferences and discard your own.

May I also ask why you find it so important to point out everyone of my flaws? Again I thank you for alot of your advice about repitition and that one bit about paralysis, but don't make me look like I have the grammar of a monkey.

It's important to point out your flaws so that you can improve your writing. He didn't necessarily say you have the grammar of a monkey, either. To be honest, this review was on the short side for what I've seen on these forums. I've seen reviews seven pages long posted here.

I know my grammar is bad, but at least I know not to point out everybody else's flaws. You for example have a nickname that's longer than one of the ads on this site.

Then why fight help? He's posting here to help you. It's not like he tore your fiction apart and insulted you for things that don't even matter, as you did with his name. And lets be honest, pointing out the length of his username is a weak flaw to use as an example. It isn't a flaw anyway.

Again I thank you for some but not all of your critcism.

This is like saying "thank you for half of that cake" or "thank you for half of that kick in the face", depending on the context. If you expect your reviewers to give you only the advice you want to receive, then prepare to be disappointed more in the future. The reviewer can't possibly know how much criticism you want, as they cannot read minds, so you really can't get mad at him for his constructive criticism.

My final note comes with a warning. If you continue to receive reviews in this way and your readers see this, then you likely won't retain many readers. They'll be put off by your attitude and will be apt to find a more receptive author. If you don't like lengthy reviews, either state so at the beginning of your fiction or tell the reviewer in a PM or VM that you dislike them. There's no need to get defensive in your thread when there are other mediums to handle it. If, however, you disagree with a specific point raised in a review, then that would be the time to reply to a review.

Now, I bid you farewell and good luck in your writing endeavors.

 

[ChrisTom]

I'm sorry ok...

again I was just mad about something else at the moment and I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

I didn't know any of this and it was my fault to jump in and not think there might be some critcicism

I really do thank you for the help and I hope you didn't take too much of it

I hope we could be friends in the future

- With all regards
ChrisTom

 

[Masquerainisthajam]

2. I never said Kyle threw Charmander into the ocean. Charmander said Kyle sold him.

Yeah, sorry. I got a little confused about that. XD

 

[Krystallyn]

Despite all of the critisim, I liked it. :) Hope to read more by you soon!!