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[Pokémon] Apprentice

patch.

listen what I say, oh
  • 216
    Posts
    15
    Years
    BreakOut has sort of died for me in my head, so I'm starting a new one. I have chapters planned out, so hopefully this'll be active, and maybe BreakOut will return later in time. ^-^

    ---

    Prologue

    The torches lit the darkened alleyways, guiding me with ease. Nobody walked by my side. Nobody cared to.

    The Firestival took place every year, on the seventeenth of November. Many legends surrounded Myna Isle, but none so more than the celebration of Firestival. Torches are lit and fireworks fly, brightening the clear night sky with silhouettes of different Pokémon. The Firestival roots run deep in history, and it is celebrated through each generation and always has been since a time so far back it's untraceable. Firestival centers around Moltres, the legendary bird Pokémon of fire. I only knew all this because I studied it, – needless to say, getting a lot of sneers from the many other kids on the island – as I have an interest in the roots of a lot of things.

    My hand scraped against the creamy coloured wall of the building as I brushed past, into the small hole. I looked up at the dark sky above me as I moved through the small opening, wondering if Moltres would appear, as it was rumoured to do every Firestival eve. However, it didn't surprise me that there was no bird with wings of fire soaring among the stars above me, as the distant noise of music and laughter from afar would probably have died out from amazement. The Firestival festivities were continuing, but I cared not to join them.

    My hands reached out and grasped the rock face. I knew it was there, even though where I was walking was pitch black – I couldn't even see my own hands now, however light my skin was. I raised my other hand to grab a higher hold, and slowly began to force my way up little bit at a time, listening for any footsteps or conversation. If I was caught, I doubt I would be let off lightly.

    I hoisted myself onto the red-tiled rooftop, which were slick with rain and coated with dazzling embers from the earlier fireworks. I was now glad I had taken my time; I'd rather refrain from getting singed if I had the choice.

    My cut palms moved along the building framework with ease, and I quickly made my way up the curve to the roof, angling myself correctly then pushing off with my feet, landing roughly on the grassy cliff top. I could now hear the construction going on, even throughout the festival, which surprised me; they clearly wanted access to the shrine so much that they were now working through holidays, something they hadn't done before. The inhabitants of Myna had been creating a staircase to the top for years, and I had been getting there almost three times as long. I didn't care to reveal my secret, as this was where I stayed alone, with the company of the Shrine.

    The Shrine of Moltres was made of gold and ebony. The wood created the shrine itself, whilst gold was embedded into it as patterns, swirls and spirals coating the shell. According to legend, the gold had been smelted by Moltres itself, along with the figurine of a Moltres, also made of gold, in the center of the shrine. It was curious and surreal, partly because where carved flames should have been were real ones, and never had I seen them go out.

    Here was where I stood for the last time in my life I could say that I was alone, friendless and generally depressed. Here was where I stood for the last time in my life where I would never talk to anyone, where I wouldn't be a part of group activities and I would sit alone, learning. Here was where I stood for the last time in my life where I wouldn't do any of those things without a reason not to.

    ***​

    I see the child, the creature said, it's eyesight picking its target from a far distance. The man knelt upon its back nodded once, and the bird sensed his movement, swooping. The boy had no chance to even react as the legendary swooped from the sky, gripping the child in its claw and shooting off once more into the night. The villagers below saw only a glimmer of flashing red which could have easily been mistaken for a firework, and that is exactly what it was mistaken for.
     
    Last edited:
    Hey patch, the story looks interesting. Can't say I've ever heard of BreakOut before, but good luck anyway on keeping this story going. I know how annoying keeping motivation for stories is.

    The Firestival roots run deep in history, and it is celebrated through each generation and always has been since a time so far back it's untraceable. Firestival centers around Moltres, the legendary bird Pokémon of fire.
    You've got to be careful that you're not switching from past to present tense. This happened a couple of times but when I re-read it I forgot where (or maybe I was just seeing things the first time XD), but yeah, just look out for that when you edit.

    However, it didn't surprise me that there was no bird with wings of fire soaring with the stars above me
    Maybe "soaring among the stars above me" or something, because using the word with is suggesting that the stars are soaring like birds as well.

    I could now hear the construction going on, even throughout the festival.
    This is fiction so I wouldn't know, but is it realistic that construction is going on during a festival? Like, maybe there's a day off work or something, like how Christmas is a public holiday in many countries. Also, saying "even throughout the festival" is making it seem like there is construction going on where the festival is, like they're building a house in the middle of the festival or something. Might want to change it to "...the construction going on, even over the noise of the festival" or something similar to that.

    The inhabitants of Myna had been creating a staircase to get up here for years, and I had been doing it for almost three times as long.
    The character had been building a staircase for three times as long? Or he had been getting up there for three times as long as they'd been building the staircase? It might make more sense to change the second sentence to make it clear that the character has been climbing up there for three times as long, not building a staircase. I know it's pretty obvious to pick out, like I could tell what you meant by looking at it, but it doesn't make sense.

    and the bird sensed its movement, swooping. The boy had no chance as the legendary swooped from the sky
    Thesauras would come in handy here. Like nothing wrong at all, but instead of using "swoop" twice you could make the second one "dived" or something.

    ***
    As for the actual story, it was great. I loved it. It doesn't let out much about the plot yet, but it introduces Myna and the character telling the story really well. I'm eager to read more and I'm not just saying that. This is really interesting, it's got me hooked. Oh yeah, if my reviews looked mean at all or something, sorry for that. Just trying to help out :)

    Oh yeah, and I love the use of Moltres, it's personally my favourite legendary Pokémon so good on you for using it.
     
    I'd just like to say I don't find your review 'mean' or 'harsh'; I did really bad here and I'm quite ashamed of it, as all I did was lay down a plotline really. I will fix all the errors you posed which I should have spotted but didn't. /failure

    BreakOut is another fan-fic I have here which I didn't get past the prologue as I couldn't think of where to go with it.
     
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