Ascension

[Designation_Leader]

DON'T DELETE. MY BROWSER ACCIDENTALLY POSTED IT. I'M EDITING THIS INTO A FULL-FLEDGED CHAPTER. BE PATIENT.

This is the first in a slated series. I am writing it as a stand-alone just in case I don't feel like developing it more, so the ending to this fanfic shall be ambiguous.

=====Chapter I: Ascension Pt. I;;

"Michael! Wake up now!" a young female voice was heard from downstairs. She had dark brown hair with some of it streaked a light purple, almost lavender in color. She wore a very revealing white crop-top shirt and was wearing hot pink underwear when Michael came downstairs. He had fair blond hair that sat on his head. His eyes were a stone grey, staring aimlessly at his sister who was nearly half-naked.

"What the hell, Emily?! Put some clothes on!" Michael exclaimed as he covered his eyes. Emily looked down at her breasts and pressed them together, giggling to herself as she obviously tried to annoy Michael.

"What? You've never seen a girl like this before?" Emily asked in a sultry manner. She clawed at Michael in a playful fashion as he cringed and started back up the stairs.

"Yes, but not you! Eww! Damn, Emily!" Michael exclaimed as he ran upstairs. He was dressed in plaid boxers and nothing more, but it wasn't as taboo for a guy to be dressed in such a fashion. He quickly threw on a black dress shirt and blue jeans, followed by socks and a pair of black and white sneakers. He ran out of his room and into the kitchen, swinging around the corner in a nimble fashion.

"There's nothing in there," Emily called from the other room. She was seated in the middle of the couch, remote pointed at the television, surfing through channels, looking for something decent to watch at seven forty in the morning.

"Ugh. Forget it, I'll eat at school. Emily, do you have money?" Michael asked as he walked out of the kitchen drinking a glass of milk. He leaned against the doorway into the kitchen and looked at his sister who slowly turned her head, keeping an emotionless face, though her eyes were wide and alert. She immediately shifted her gaze back to the television as if Michael had never spoken to her.

"Emily!" Michael pressed.

"Ugh. Check my purse," Emily scoffed as she put the remote down and focused on the telvision. Michael ran upstairs into a bedroom the same size as his, albeit more feminine, and found a black purse on the sky blue bed amongst other things, one of with was a sex toy. Michael looked at it in a disgusted fashion and pushed it aside before he reached for the purse. He opened it and found Emily's wallet and from it pulled fifteen dollars, stuffing the money into his back pocket. He ran out of the room and down the stairs, grabbing his backpack on the way out. "I'm working tonight, okay? You're on your own for dinner," Emily said as she looked at Michael as he was halfway out the door.

"Alright. Is it alright if Remy comes over after school?" Michael asked as he straightened his backpack. Emily nodded her head and waved bye to Michael as he closed the door. He ran down the street to the corner where he was greeted by a student the same age as him: he was wearing a white dress shirt and tie with a black vest. He was also wearing black dress pants and dress shoes, looking as if he was prepared to go to an important meeting. His black hair was swept in front of his face and his blue eyes peered through his glasses.

"Hey, Michael. What's up?" Remy asked as Michael approached.

"Nothing much. Just a rough morning. I woke up to my sister in her panties," Michael sighed.

"Dude. Your sister is hot," Remy said with a grin. Michael punched him in the arm as the school bus approached. Remy and Michael boarded it and took seats with each other in the third row from the back. Everyone was loud and rambunctious, which is natural for a Friday before a two week break.

The bus eventually reached Robert T. Collins High School, a large high school that used to be a university before the building was purchased. Remy and Michael made their way into their first period classroom and took their respective seats. It was only eight and there was twenty minutes left until class started, but the children were already in the classroom. Michael and Remy looked around and noticed someone: a kid, sitting at a desk in the back, with bone white hair. His eyes were a dull crimson color and his skin was somewhat pale.

"Who's the new kid?" Michael asked as he elbowed Remy who was conversing with a fellow student. Remy turned around and examined the kid in question, shrugging his shoulders in response.

"How should I know?" Remy responded as the teacher walked in. He was a bald Caucasian male wearing a shirt that was too small for him. He tapped his pencil on the podium multiple times to call the students attention before speaking in a monotone voice.

"Okay, children. Today is the last day before break starts. And, amazingly, some parent decided to give their kid a taste of our school today instead of waiting two weeks like normal folk. We have a new student in class. Why don't you stand up and introduce yourself?" the teacher said as he motioned to the kid with white hair. He was wearing completely black clothing and was rather slim.

"Uhh...my name is Lucas. It's nice to meet you all," he said before he sat down. As he sat, he glanced over at Michael and Remy, who looked at him dead in his crimson eyes.

"Something's fishy about that kid...," Remy whispered to Michael. Michael nodded his head and faced forward, prepared to take on the last day of school. After the first three periods, lunch came. Remy and Michael made their way to the cafeteria where they saw two girls seated at a table: one had dark hair and was wearing clothes similar in fashion to Remy, minus the glasses. The other was dressed in all black and was wearing shades. Her black hair fell in front of her face. She quickly got up and ran into Remy's arms while Michael walked over and kissed the other on the lips.

"Hey, sexy," the girl with shades said as she held onto Remy and kissed him.

"Hey, Veronica," Remy said with a slight grin.

"So how's everything?" Michael asked his girlfriend.

"Good, good. I just want to go home, though," she responded.

"Hey, Remy. I'm going to this party tonight. You wanna come?" Veronica asked as she sat down. Remy looked at Michael and shrugged his shoulders.

"I was supposed to chill with Michael tonight," Remy said honestly, not trying to turn down his girlfriend.

"It's okay. Remy, you go. I'll stay with Michael," Michael's girlfriend Marie said.

"Remy, your girlfriend is so...chill. Hey, Veronica, can you be my girlfriend?" Michael asked playfully as Marie punched him in a similar manner.

"Sure. I'll dump this sorry loser for a real man," Veronica said as she kissed Remy on the lips. The four conversed for the entire lunch period, then continued on their day as normal. The day ended and the four boarded their buses: Remy going with Veronica and Michael taking Marie to his house. Michael and Marie sat in the first seats on the bus, cuddling together.

"Why are you home alone?" Marie asked as she looked up at him and gazed in his eyes.

"My sister's working tonight. That means she's not coming home tonight," Michael sighed. "I fear for her, you know?"

"Yea. What does she do anyway?" Marie asked as she played with her necklace.

"She works as a stripper and for an escort service. She makes enough to put food on the table, but as for rent, we have an uncle who pays for that," Michael explained.

"Where are your parents?" Marie asked as the bus pulled off. "I've known you for four years and I never knew any of this stuff!"

"You never asked. My parents are dead. They were killed when Emily and I were younger; she was sixteen and I was eight. It was also around then that she decided to become a stripper and support us," Michael explained as he looked at Marie.

"Oh. Everything makes sense now. When you say that you can have a party nearly every night, you aren't kidding," Marie realized. Michael nodded his head in agreement as the bus came to a stop at the corner down the street from his house. The two got off of the bus and walked the block to Michael's house. They entered and Marie immediately hopped onto the couch and grabbed the remote. "I love this place, you know. I've only been here three times, but I love it."

"Yea. Me too," Michael said to himself. He looked at the watch on his wrist as it read three thirty.

==========​

"He's on Earth."
"I know..."
"What shall we do?"
"When the time comes, they'll realize the truth."
"Who?"
"Michael shall be the one to lead them. It is his army, after all."
"Yes, but what of his brothers?"
"They shall follow."
"And...him?"
"We shall wait and see..."​

 

[Astinus]

You really used generic anime pictures to give a picture of your characters? You already described them with the narration in your story, so why do you also need to link to the pictures? (Also, some of those pictures might not be safe for work/school, where some people go online at.)

Just remove the links to the pictures. Like I said, you have the description in the narration, enough so that readers can get an idea in their head of what the characters look like. There's no real need to include random pictures.

 

[Deleted member 143209]

This is the first in a slated series. I am writing it as a stand-alone just in case I don't feel like developing it more, so the ending to this fanfic shall be ambiguous.

Something of a slated series? As a writer I don't see why you would just finish something for the sake of finishing it to be frank. If you're too lazy to develop a story it shows that you no longer show great interest in your own work, so my advice would be to either get it right to the point where you know you'll be happy with it or don't continue a lost cause. In any case, just some small things I have to note, my first is as Astinus said before;

"Michael! Wake up now!" a young female voice was heard from downstairs. She had dark brown hair with some of it streaked a light purple, almost lavender in color. She wore a very revealing white crop-top shirt and was wearing hot pink underwear when Michael came downstairs. He had fair blond hair that sat on his head. His eyes were a stone grey, staring aimlessly at his sister who was nearly half-naked.

Without noting the links -in which I will hit upon in a moment- your description of your characters is rather poor at points. You percieved the brother to be somewhat... Strange to be staring upon his sister who was "nearly half naked", I see that you're trying to show the brother seeing her and later telling to put clothes on, however "staring" is not the word you want to use. When you stare, it's something you wish to look at for an elongated period of time but this would not be one of those moments given the situation.
The links, well I don't like them to be quite honest with you. A writer should be able to describe thier characters well and give the reader a clear image of what the writer wants them to see, but yet you've used links to images in which you did not create therefore you've molded your writing around images rather than the other way around (which shouldn't be the case anyway), try to imagine this being printed, what would you do? Unless this was printed for a picture book, it would not work.
Throughout the chapter you kind of hit upon strange scenes such as the borther and sister situations at the beginning. Making the reader feel awkward by showing the sister as teasing towards her brother but in a somewhat erotic way. Immediately sends alarm bells ringing in my mind when you hit upon those issues so I would advise changing them.
Quick grammarical error "one of which was a sex toy."
I would also advise sticking in an age limit tag or something to state that there will be some adolescent themes I suppose, due to sexual imagery etc.
You're sense of dialogue isn't bad, I knew what the characters were doing etc. but at times I felt some senseless discussions and sort of random events. You might want to work upon yor technique. There's no sense of setting other than time (televisions & language shows it's modern), you should give some sense of background and where they are as well as where the the prose is leading as it's all rather bland in the first few scenes here.