Ash And Molly On Their Own

[MollyHaleIsMyFriend]

Ash And Molly On Their Own

It Was 12:00 Noon; Spencer Hale Has Passed Away As Well As Mrs. Hale; Mrs. Ketchum Went To Work And Won't Be Home Until Late; Ash And Molly Are Sitting On The Porch.

"It's A Beautiful Day To Sit On The Porch" Said Molly

"It Sure Is, Molly" Said Ash

The Stores Were Busy At 12:00; So Ash Bought Food At The Supermarket And Lunch At McDonald's For Him And Molly; They Sat On The Porch And Ate Lunch.

"I Love McDonald's" Said Molly

"So Do I" Said Ash

After Their McDonald's Lunch; Ash And Molly Sat On A Bench In The Park;

Ash Had 2 Cheeseburgers With Pickles, Onions And Mustard; Molly Had A Cheeseburger With Everything

Back At Home It Was Dinnertime; Ash And Molly Ate Italian TV Dinners While Watching Cartoons On TV

Mrs. Ketchum Came Home And Paid Ash $10 ($1 For Each Hour)

Ash Gave Molly A Bath And Put Her In Bed And Ash Went To Bed Himself

"Good Night, Molly" Said Ash

"Good Night, Ash" Said Molly

Ash And Molly Were In A Deep Sleep

 

[Blazemxx]

Gosh, that was short with little description.

 

[Margot]

Hmm...is this a story or a one-shot? Either way you need to add more description and you're structure is very un-organised. If you added more detail you'd be able to seperate them into paragraphs^^ There didn't seem like there was much going on with the plot..again more description and maybe with more stuff going on this could help.^^

 

[Guest123_x1]

Very cute, yet way too short. Couldn't you add a bit more detail and extend this?

 

[Astinus]

Wow. Just wow.

For a one-shot, there was no substance. You have no description, aside from what burgers they were eating. We don't know what age the characters are at, why Molly is with the Ketchum's (aside from the sudden deaths), or anything.

Here we go:

It Was 12:00 Noon;

Generally, everyone knows that noon = twelve.

Spencer Hale Has Passed Away As Well As Mrs. Hale;

"has" should be "had". And can I ask this now: What's with the overabbudence of semi-colons?

"It's A Beautiful Day To Sit On The Porch" Said Molly

"It Sure Is, Molly" Said Ash

Not a lot of punctuation here at all. You need it before the closing quotes and at the end of the sentences.

After Their McDonald's Lunch; Ash And Molly Sat On A Bench In The Park;

Ash Had 2 Cheeseburgers With Pickles, Onions And Mustard; Molly Had A Cheeseburger With Everything

Why didn't you say what they had to eat when they wre eating it? Makes more sense in my mind.

Back At Home It Was Dinnertime; Ash And Molly Ate Italian TV Dinners While Watching Cartoons On TV

They do nothing else but eat all day? And write out "television" instead of "TV."

Mrs. Ketchum Came Home And Paid Ash $10 ($1 For Each Hour)

Just write "ten dollars." And I feel sorry for Mrs. Ketchum to be at work for ten hours. And for Molly, who did nothing but eat for ten hours.

"Good Night, Molly" Said Ash

"Good Night, Ash" Said Molly

Ash And Molly Were In A Deep Sleep

No punctuation again.

Also, can I just ask why every word is capitalized?

For a one-shot, it didn't have enough description, or even enough of a plot, to stand on its own.

(And now, Hanako feels as though she will be yelled at for her review. She wonders why she bothers...)

 

[Alter Ego]

Well, technically it doesn't say that it's a one-shot, but that still doesn't excuse the complete and utter lack of content. Just...what was the point of even writing this fic? If you can't come up with anything better than 'I wanted to write a fanfic' then you obviously didn't have enough material for it to begin with. The bare essentials for a good story are an initial setting, changes to the setting (Including conflicts personal and/or others) and a good finishing point. A conclusion, as it were. And a one-shot requires all of these things to be compressed into a single chapter. This fanfic, however, has no plot to speak of, not to mention that it involves the potentially suspect part about Ash bathing Molly (Their ages definitely gain significance here.). I'd give you a detailed account of the errors I see, but Hanako already did a good job on that. *Patback*

So yeah, read her comments, MollyHaleIsMyFriend (If you're even bothering to check on this thread at all) and try to learn something from them.