Captain Arcane

[Captain Arcane]

Ok, this is the story about my character, Captain Arcane. This doesn't take place in any particular region but its my first one I ever made. WARNING: becuase of some blood it may rate as PG-13. Enjoy

Captain Arcane

CHAPTER 1
The Beginning

Born on August 4th, 1932 Samuel Arcane Smith was a boy born into a wealthy family known as the Arcane family. His parents Logan and Isabelle, known for their massive tuna fish industry, had it easy. Samuel's grandfather, Jerome Arcane, founder of the Global Tuna Corporation was real close with Samuel. Every time his grandfather visited, he gave Samuel a gift. Each gift was an artifact or a treasure of sort, but in the winter of 39, Jerome was diagnosed with Leukemia and was placed in a hospital for recovery. As Christmas was drawing near Jerome was getting worse. Then before Samuel new it, Christmas had arrived. After opening his presents on Christmas morning Samuel went to the hospital to show Jerome his toy boat he received just that morning. As Samuel stepped into his grandfather's room he noticed he looked worse than before. He walked slowly wards the bed and his grandfather woke up emmiedielty. As Jerome gasped for air to speak he said "Samuel, is that you, (cough)." Samuel replied "Yes." As Samuel starred at his grandfather's condition, he easily got sidetracked and he forgot to show him his toy boat. Jerome spoke" come closer, I have a gift for you." Samuel walked closer and Jerome pulled out a poorly rapped present from under his bed. "Here, Merry Christmas, (cough)." Samuel grabbed the present from Jerome's hands "I tried to rap it as best I could, (cough), well go on, open it, (cough)." said Jerome. Samuel, about to burst out crying, opened the present and inside was an old piece of paper that was folded. He grabbed the paper and unfolded it to find a map. " It's a map" said Samuel, "Yes, but not just any map, this is a map that shows where to find a treasure." said Jerome " You mean like diamonds and jewels." said Samuel. "No its not riches beyond belief or an ancient city, it is…a Pokemon." "A Pokemon!?" questioned Samuel. "Yes, but this Pokemon is said to have extraordinary power, (cough), so strong it can raise the seas and is as bigger than anyone can imagine. They say it it's the god of the seas, and its been sleeping for thousands of years undisturbed by time and nature itself (cough). But to awaken the god you must acquire an item, this item not only awakens the god but it also controls the god (cough)(cough)(cough), struggled Jerome. "What is the item grandpa, grandpa…grandpa?" yelled Samuel. "(cough)(cough)(cough)(cough) It…. is……. the………….. Red…………………. Orb……………………." As Jerome lay still Samuel shook and pulled Jerome "Grandpa, grandpa, grandpa………..GRANDPAAAAA….(crying and yelling)." Jerome Arcane Smith died that morning on December 25th, 1939 10:23 a.m. As the days begin, the nights end, and the years pass, nothing would prepare Samuel for what was going to occur.








Captain Arcane

Chapter 2
The Attack at Sea

On his 12th birthday of August 4th, 1945, Samuel and his parents were on there yacht enjoying there day out at sea. As the sun shined brightly and the waves hit up on the side of the boat, it seemed like the perfect day. A few hours later Samuel was playing with his telescope he just received from his father. As he was looking out at the sea he noticed storm clouds coming their way. Within a few minuets the storm had already reached them. The waves were high and it was raining so hard they could only see a few feet away from their noses. Suddenly an object of enormous size crashed up against the side of the yacht. As Samuel and Isabelle hit the deck, Logan flew over the railing. Isabelle picked herself up and ran to the railing to help Logan but he wasn't there! All she could see was bubbles rising to the surface. Finally Logan rose to the surface, and Samuel was still on the floor. As Isabelle was helping Logan out of the water Samuel looked up and saw huge white fins that where coming towards them and disappeared beneath the boat. Just as Logan was getting his feet out of the water something bit his foot. The sound of bones braking filled the air and Logan was dragged back into the water. Isabelle screamed and Samuel ran to the rail and saw his father struggling to keep afloat. Samuel and Isabelle reached down to grab his hands that were desperately flopping around in the water. They finally got hold of Logan's left hand and pulled with all their might. Threw Logan's yelling you could still hear the breaking of bones and as Samuel and Isabelle gave their last tug they heard a loud tear. Logan flew out of the water and Isabelle and Samuel again hit the deck. Logan was screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs and Isabelle and Samuel looked up to see something terrifying. As they looked up, Logan's lower body was completely torn off and the deck was covered in blood. As Isabelle ran to Logan the monster rammed the underside of the yacht and it practically destroyed the boat. Everyone went flying, Samuel landed on some debris and was knocked unconscious. While Logan and Isabelle hit the water hard, and before Isabelle could swim to Logan the monster rose out the water ate Logan. From the terrifying sight of her husband being eaten by a monster, Isabelle started swimming at full speed trying to find Samuel. As she was swimming she was yelling " SAMUEL…SAMUEL, WHERE ARE YOU?" Samuel, awaken by his mother's screaming Samuel replied "OVER HEAR." Isabelle than started for him, with Samuel watching he saw the same fins rushing wards his mother. "MOM, MOM, IT'S BEHIND YOU, MOM!" yelled Samuel. With Isabelle swimming frantically she was no match for the monster. The monster rushed at her and all Samuel saw was Isabelle being thrown up into the air and a gaping mouth with huge sharp teeth rise out of the water and swallow Isabelle in mid-air. Samuel then new what the monster was, it was a green Gyarados. Samuel had never heard of a green Gyarados before, non the less that that it existed. Then the Gyarados rose it's head and long neck out of the water and roared. With Samuel crying but trying to keep his voice down so the Gyarados wouldn't hear him it then dived back into the water and swam away and the storm cleared shortly after. With all that just happened, Samuel climbed upon a wooden slab from the destroyed yacht and cried himself to sleep.

Thats it so far, I hope you like it becuase its my very fisrt one.

 

[ANARCHit3cht]

The chapters seem a bit short to me, and the way they are formatted makes them look like a single paragraph.

I noticed a spelling error,

emmiedielty., is immediately


I suggest writing more in your chapters. You just laid down some facts. Try adding details, like how did the characters feel? How did such and such affect them, just spice it up with details. Also, you should probably run it through a spell checker.

I have a question, did you perhaps, write it up in the reply box? Because that is a cause of short stories.

 

[Misheard Whisper]

Are you gonna continue this? Because it's awesome! You should write a book, or something.

This is not a proper review, for starters. It tells the author nothing. All you're doing is praising him as the next Messiah.

The actual story, like Narcissus said, is all stuck into one big paragraph each 'chapter'. You need to start a new line when somebody new starts speaking, or when a new idea is introduced. This is basic stuff, and contrary to what SonofWiseii said, I don't think you should even think about writing a novel until you learn basic English spelling and grammar. Same goes for fanfiction. I recommend (as I find myself doing all too often lately) that you ask a mod to lock this, and go type this up in a word processor. Double-space it, put in correct punctuation, spell-check it, add details, emotions, and description, and then repost it. When you can show me a quality fanfiction, I will give you a full and proper review.