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Change [18a]

-Jinx-

Pokemon Breeder
  • 44
    Posts
    18
    Years
    Change

    Rated: 18a for descriptive violince. You have been warned.
    Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Pokemon.




    "Why do things change?"
    "Because he wills it so"
    "But I like the way it is now..."


    Chapter One - It's going to be one of those days.​

    At the top of Mt Silver snow-capped peaks create fresh and sparkling clean water that travels down a slender and unshorn stream. After a long journey down the mountain face, the water reaches its final destination and rains down in a glorious shower off a jagged cliff. A grand lake surrounded by a lush and radiant forest cradles this pure spring run off.

    Entangled around the peaceful lake is thick, mossy grass, which is quickly swallowed up by an obstruction of overgrowing, ancient redwoods. This divine paradise is hidden in a dense forest, un-tainted by the toxic disease known as humanity.

    In the gentile embrace of two withering roots from a huge decaying redwood laid a small Raichu lost in a blissful slumber. The majority of its body is covered with a layer of freshly dug up dirt: as if it had partly burrowed its self in the ground. In an almost perfect ring-like shape around it's nest is bare, scorched, earth. Powerful bolts of static suddenly charged from the Raichu's body as it exhales, sending bright blue veins of purified power dancing gracefully around the burnt, bark-less trunk of the massive tree and running out along the bare ground.

    The Raichu's floppy, long, ears twitched slightly as the electricity discharged from its body. The inside of Raichu's left ear was tattered from past unpleasant situations. It's cheek pads were small and a pale red, but still ripe with static from the earlier discharge. With a soft moan the Raichu rolled onto its backside; knocking it's make shift dirt blanket back onto the bare ground. With this was revealed what was once an elegant and thick coat of fur, now nothing but a straggly and matted mess of thinning fur. Raichu's tuff of belly hair was no longer white, but a coppery mess of tangled mud. It's lengthy, slender tail curls up to its face where its splits off into a sharpend lighting bolt shape.

    The Raichu was quickly awoken by deeply alarming whistling sound which seemed to have come from the clouds themselves. Still trapped in a groggy state of semi-sleep, Raichu pulled itself onto it's hind legs and in a listless way it extended to the tips of its toes to slowly survey the area around its nest. The Raichu's glossed over, deep, black eyes focused on the lake a couple feet away.

    In an almost divine way, the abnormally small creatures body went numb. Staring blindly into the dazzling sun soaked lake, only hearing its soft heart beat ring through its body. All of its senses were focused at a small awkwardly cast shadow on the lake. The obscure shadow began to grow and engulf a quarter of the water. As abrupt as Raichu was brought into this surreal experience, it was jolted from it, left only with the echoes of a foreign voice in its head.

    "Be careful!" followed by a flowing giggle.

    Raichu tilted its head up slightly only to have its vision of the sky obscured by a catastrophic shadow cast down from the heavens. The next events are nothing but a blur of extreme senses burnt into Raichu's memory: A brief gust of harsh wind, much like being at the mercy of a twister for mere seconds, followed by a thundering clash of destruction. Raichu felt the earth tremble under its paws, the feeling was almost instantaneously chased with the rush of chilly water, and lots of it.

    The cold shock fully awakened the poor thing. It took a few harsh breaths as the icy water soaked through its fur and straight into it's bones, sending a cold chill up it's spine. Glancing around quickly Raichu saw that not only it was wet, but so was everything around it. What was once dirt beneath its paws is now a puddle of sloppy mud, which in fact was the same for everything near the lake. Even some lower branches on the trees were dripping with water.

    Raichu sighed in confusion, as everything expect for the misplaced water seemed undisturbed. As if nothing had really happened.


    I started this fic along time ago, but it really needed to be re-worked. So this is my new copy. By 'Started" I mean I wrote a chapter and a half. ^^;; But I think it's a really good story that's worth telling.

    I'm thinking chapter two will be up by the end of the night. Hopefully sooner.

    I would LOVE any constructive criticism.
     
    Last edited:
    Supberb! I'm glad to see that the cause of quality works here isn't completely lost, after finding myself captivated by such a finely written piece like this. The descriptions, along with your excellent diction, work almost perfectly creating a work that flows and is very readable and very enjoyable.

    Flaws? Maybe, just maybe, you could watch out with the overuse of modifiers. Your words are so eloquently chosen that the piece might in turn result unnatural through time:
    The Raichu was quickly awoken by deeply alarming whistling sound
    Still trapped in a groggy state of semi-sleep, Raichu pulled itself onto it'd hind...
    its* shouldn't it be?

    into this surreal experience, it was jolted from it, left only with the echoes of a foreign voice in its head.
    "Be careful!" followed by a flowing giggle.
    Would it work better if you separated that dialogue by a space from the upper paragraph?

    Anyway, your narration is very efficient when you talk about creating an image to the reader, in this case it's a very clear one. Keep that up. The plot is interesting too, exquisitely intriguing and somber.

    Also, I'd result a little worried you're posting a second chapter so quickly, as the least thing I would want to recieve from such a good fiction would be a rushed continuity. I hope I'm wrong-- take your time to make the following posts as great as the first!

    ~Steven
     
    Supberb! I'm glad to see that the cause of quality works here isn't completely lost, after finding myself captivated by such a finely written piece like this. The descriptions, along with your excellent diction, work almost perfectly creating a work that flows and is very readable and very enjoyable.

    Flaws? Maybe, just maybe, you could watch out with the overuse of modifiers. Your words are so eloquently chosen that the piece might in turn result unnatural through time:
    its* shouldn't it be?

    Would it work better if you separated that dialogue by a space from the upper paragraph?

    Anyway, your narration is very efficient when you talk about creating an image to the reader, in this case it's a very clear one. Keep that up. The plot is interesting too, exquisitely intriguing and somber.

    Also, I'd result a little worried you're posting a second chapter so quickly, as the least thing I would want to recieve from such a good fiction would be a rushed continuity. I hope I'm wrong-- take your time to make the following posts as great as the first!

    ~Steven

    Thank you. First I'd just like to say this really means a lot to me. I was unsure of the quality of this piece as I had posted the original on Serebii and never even got one comment. But after reading your review it I've lost that doubt.

    I only hope I can keep my good flow. I tend to be bad when it comes to writing the filler part of a story, which is where I generally lose my own interest, so I can only assume everyone else is already asleep. Haha. But I haven't written a story in some time and I think over that time I've increased my writing skills in general.

    You're right about my spelling mistake and I've gone back and corrected it.
    As for the dialog mistakes, I'm not really to sure the grammatical rules surrounding dialog. I'll be sure to look it up before I post any more chapters.

    And you don't have to worry about be rushing. The only reason I said it would be done by today is because I like I said half of chapter two has already been written. It's not very well written but I'm going back and revising it completely.

    Thanks again.
     
    Wait. Someone who's asking for constructive criticism? Lawsy, that's a sight to behold. D:

    As Steven said, you seem to rely on adverbs. Reading back through your piece, you chose words that were descriptive in their own right without any modifiers. Try not to rely on adverbs so much anymore.

    Another grammar nitpick is the fact that you muck up its and it's. The first one is the possessive form; the second one is the contraction of "it is".

    General grammar nitpick again: You seem to switch your tenses. You start off with the present tense, then go to the past tense, and then flop around. Pick one or the other.

    Specific grammar nitpick:
    Staring blindly into the dazzling sun soaked lake, only hearing its soft heart beat ring through its body. All of its senses were focused at a small awkwardly cast shadow on the lake.
    Combine these two sentences. Otherwise, the first one is a fragment.

    Other than that, there was really no other problems with this. You did a wonderful job with this, and I can't wait to see more.

    Grammar nitpicks. Do I do anything else? x.X;
     
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