.:Cold Season By Toon:.

Greed

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    • Seen Jul 7, 2008
    I wrote this for December. I hope ya'll like it. :3 Constructive criticism is welcome. :)

    .:Cold Season:.
    By Toon

    Rated PG-13 for descriptive themes and for language.


    --

    "Please, I really need a job." begged a tired Dora with her hands clasped together.

    She was inside of a Stop-and-Go talking to the skinny manager. He looked friendlier than the other managers she had implored for a job. His red hair and freckles was a good sign to her, and she needed money soon.

    The manager sighed, his tag reading the name Harold Jammons glinted. "Well, not a lot of people are lined up for this job. I guess I could make an exception for now.."

    Dora's eyes lighted up, which was unusual because when she walked into the store, her eyes were dull and poignant.

    "Thank you, sir!" she smiled widely and finally placed her clasped hands down flatly on the counter.

    "Now," the manager named Harold said, taking out a small notebook from his pocket. "Do you have any job experience?"

    Dora sighed, "I just worked at a restaurant."

    Harold nodded and wrote something down, "What was your reason for leaving?"

    She laughed nervously, "I didn't leave. I was fired, I'm gonna be honest with you."

    Harold looked up surprised, "May I know the reason why?"

    Dora nodded, "I got in a fight with the boss cus he was just being a total asshole." She gasped lightly and slapped her hands to her mouth. "I'm sorry, I am so sorry I said that. Please don't fire me." her hands trembled as she said this.

    Harold just chuckled and shrugged. "We all get mad sometime, don't we?" Dora smiled, she started to like Harold. He wasn't like her other bosses; all they did was pinch her *** or always keep a close eye on her, waiting
    for her to screw-up. This Harold man was compassionate and merciful, not like the other stone-hearted men she met in her hard past.

    He looked up at her, "Do you know how to type fast in a keyboard?"

    "Yes," she lied. She never even had a computer at home.

    "Good!" he smiled brightly, "I have a list of some things that I need typed up if you don't mind."

    She suddenly felt guilty, "I lied, sir. I'm so sorry, I never even touched a computer my entire life."

    Harold lowered his eyes for a second, but he quickly smiled. "That's okay, I'm sure you can learn. I'll teach you."

    After a while of arranging the work hours and how she would learn to typewrite, Dora walked outside into the freezing streets of Chicago.

    She walked briskly, her boots stomping into the thin ice in the sidewalk. She went behind a large office building where large trash bins were located.

    After looking around for anyone, she lowered her large backpack into the frosty ground.

    The backpack was of a faded black color, and was stitched around the edges.

    Dora opened it and took out a large teal colored blanket. She shivered and covered herself with it.

    She leaned against the trash bin and closed her eyes. A quiet sneeze snapped her eyes open and she looked at her side. There was another woman leaning on the other trash bin, and she was coughing quietly. This woman had a large grey jacket over her, and beside her was a large trash bag with clothes spilling out of it. The woman coughed again and glanced at Dora. Her pink pimples caught Dora's eye, and both women stared at eachother.

    Finally Dora looked away, she sighed and curled her legs to her rear. She closed her eyes, ignoring the freezing wind blowing at her face.

    --

    She loved her little sister, Emily, very much. Every time she came from school, Dora would wait paciently outside Em's school. When Em would exit the school building, she'd hold Dora's hand and they would walk home together.

    Dora was an sixteen year old woman, but she always tried her best to be the
    father that eight-year old Em never had.

    Their father had left when Em was born. Dora had just been seven years old.
    She remembered how much her mother had cried, begging the shameless bastard not to leave her with the children. The man had shaken his head, he had said that he didn't want any more burden unto him. That night Dora had hated her father more than anybody she disliked.

    She never told Em this. There was no reason to. All this would do was make Em sad, and make her feel guilty, or whatever those child psychologists
    said. Although Em seemed to be doing good in her schoolwork and social activity, Dora had mostly trouble at home.

    There was no single day which both of them would not fight. There was always a reason. It was either because Dora forgot to take out the trash. Often hurtful words were thrown at Dora's way, but she had been determined never to break a tear in front of her mother.

    If it was one thing that she learned from her mother was to never show weakness. When she was younger, she'd cry her eyes out every time her mother yelled. This often earned her a hard slap, and therefore, Dora only held her tears. Once her mother turned her back, she would lay down on her bed and cry.

    What had made Dora run away from home was Em's death.

    It had been Christmas Eve and Dora had been right outside their house playing soccer. Dora had just kicked the ball, and she had sat down, telling Em that she was too tired to play any longer.

    Em had groaned and gone after the ball. The soccer ball had been thrown all the way to the road by Dora's leg force. Hardly any cars passed by in that road. Unfourtunately, this just had to be the day that one drunk driver would be in an automobile in this very road.

    Dora had just raised her head to see Em snatch up the ball and the vehicle swerving towards her. Dora cried out her name, stood up, and ran to her with
    her long legs bearly tripping over the crusted snow on the ground.

    Em had looked up and saw Dora's terrified face, she grimaced and a fast
    thought
    Dora, why do you look so scared?
    passed through her before she started to stare at the jeep heading towards her. Dora yelled at Em and continued to run. She stretched her legs as far as she could, pleading for this not to be happening.

    As much as Dora tried to catch her little sister, to take her in her arms and take her away from harm, her prayers went unanswered.

    The terrible noise the vehicle made in hitting Em's body was like thunder. Emily made a strangled cry that brought tears to Dora's eyes. The car's wheels swerved violently, and Dora shut her eyes. She couldn't bear the thought of seeing how the car ran over Em's unconscious body.

    She opened her eyes and saw the automobile coming to a harsh stop, and she saw her little sister's small body thrown crudely aside. She looked like a
    horribly treated ragdoll, as if she was just garbage to somebody's eyes.

    Dora whimpered and screamed her name. She fell on her knees and covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking.

    Her mother had come screaming in the hospital, demanding for an explanation for what happened. The doctor calmly explained to her mother the fractures in her younger sister, and how much they really tried to help her.

    Her mother had just uttered a shrill cry and slammed her fists to the wall. Yelling out curse words and making Dora feel even more guilty. That was when her mother turned to her, "Where were you?" she hissed.

    Dora looked down at her own feet, "I was playing with Em. And, she was chasing the ball. I tried to get to her but-"

    "You should have been with your sister! Were you just sitting on your ***
    and watching that goddam car run over your little sister?" more tears sprung
    out of her mother's eyes.

    "I tried to, mom, but is that the car just was too fast.."

    "Then it should have been you!" her mother suddenly cried out, "You should

    have ****ing jumped and protected your sister." Dora could hardly blink back the tears.

    "I wish you would have died." her mother muttered, "I wish it was you, you
    deserved it, not Em."

    Dora just glanced once at her mother, then at the other families staring at
    them. A curious child stared at Dora sympathetically, she stared at him
    back.

    She had turned around, and walked outside the hospital. Leaving her grieving mother to weep. She used her house keys to slip inside her home, where she took her backpack and stuffed some clothes inside. It was chilly outside, so she needed to take her jacket. She also put inside a bar of soap, shampoo, and her allowance money. She was now glad she had saved her money, she always knew saving money always helped you in the end.

    She stepped outside her house and walked out into the bus stop. If her
    mother wished she were dead, then dead she would be. Well, not really dead
    as in 'dropped from the face of the earth', but dead as in 'never to be seen
    again by her mother'.

    --

    Dora woke up all of a sudden after hearing a car swerve. She frowned, she hated automobiles. They killed her younger sister, at the hospital's waiting room, Dora had secretely vowed never to drive in her life.

    She got up and decided to go inside a nearby Electronics store. She needed to look at the time anyways. She stepped inside, and the cashier eyed her suspiciously. She ignored him and walked towards the TV being displayed on a counter.

    9:35 P.M read on its far left up side. "Store closes in twenty minutes, the cashier muttered to her. She glared at him, what is it that a girl with baggy pants and shaggy dark hair can't go inside a store without being looked at as if she was some sort of burglar?

    She went outside again, she set her watch to wake her up at seven. That'll give her one hour to prepare herself to go to work.

    She uttered a shaky sigh and hid behind the large trash bin again. This time, the other woman was not there. Dora closed her eyes again on the cold last day of December. She wished Em was here, at least on this New Year's Eve she wouldn't feel so lonely.

    In her dreams, she walked her little sister home after meeting her at school. They talked and laughed along the way home.

    She never felt the blistering cold while she was sleeping. She never felt the numbness in her entire body, and she never felt the piercing frostbite devour her.

    She didn't even felt how she slowly drifted away from the face of the earth.


    EDIT: *explodes*
     
    Last edited:
    As soon as I saw that you had submitted a new piece of writing, I logged off of msn so nobody wouldn't bother me XD.

    There not much I can say, it was written very nicely and could easily be a plot in a book, or even a movie for that matter. Its hard to give constructive critism to such great writing so I'm not going to, the only thing I can complain about is why it had to end so soon ^^.
     
    That's so kind of you to say. ^_^ Thanks a lot for your comment ^^

    It was inspired after hearing and seeing Avril Lavigne's music video "Nobody's Home". Its so sad to think about that we're all gonna sleep in a cozy bed while other homeless people out there are freezing in their sleep. ;;

    *dies*
     
    When I read that part, it made me feel so sad that she had to go through that, nobody deserves to be sleeping outside like that.

    It made me think how fortunate I really am, when I have something and take it for granted so easily. Its crazy now a days when so many peole complain about not having the popular thing that others have. *walks away bewildered, thinking what this world has come to*.

    I haven't felt like this since I read "To kill a Mockingbird" ^^.
     
    Yes, it made me sad about all those people like that. >>; I once saw a family on the street lying on the floor sleeping with their blankets and all. ;;

    I haven't felt like this since I read "To kill a Mockingbird" ^^.
    I'm flattered, that book is very very good. Although I read it 3 years ago and can't remember much about it ><;

    *dies*
     
    ;-; Awwwwwwws, that was such a sad fic! But I thought it was really well written. The part where Dora's mother told her she wished Dora were dead instead of Em made me read that part over to be sure I didn't read it wrong. XD

    I think a Prolouge isn't a bad idea, or at least be a bit more discriptive with your characters. Otherwise, it wasn't too bad. ^_____^ The only spelling errors were those sinful words, but I won't correct those. XD

    This fic really makes the reader think. It wasn't all Dora's fault her sister died, for Dora didn't wish for it to happen, yet all the blame was put on her shoulders.

    I found this fic to be somewhat enlightening, and I felt so bad for Dora! *cries*

    Great job Toon, I loved it. ^_^

    ~Kelsey
     
    *bows* Thank you, sug~ I really will take your advice :3 This is just some crappy short story I wrote. XD; I didn't thought focusing much on a character would mean much X3;

    *dies*
     
    ^___^ Well, focusing on the character is a very important part of creating a fan fic. One must always do their best to really bring out the main character's as well as the minor character's personalities. ^^ This way, we can sort of get inside the character's head. This helps to foreshadow what may happen next, knowing who the characters really are.

    ~Kelsey
     
    Alrighty then ^_^ Thank you sooo much for the advice~ I always need it since I believe it does make one into a better writer :3

    *dies*
     
    ^o^ It really does. I'm not just giving out advice to hear myself speak. XD I love to help people make their writing become the very best it can be. I know your writing will become even better with the help of us reviewers. XD I do hope you write more chapters/fanfics soon. =3

    ~Kelsey
     
    Thank you~

    And yes, I do believe in nice criticism :3 Some peeps can't take it (for reasons still unknown) but I believe it does make one a better writer. Thank you so much for taking the time in telling me how to improve, dear. <3

    *dies*
     
    Of course, Toon. ^____^ I live to help. XD Anyways, if you plan on making more chpaters for this fic, then you can take a look at the Fan Fiction Advice thread for help if you haven't already. ^^

    ~Kelsey
     
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