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forever shoryu

yuuka

purifier
  • 56
    Posts
    19
    Years
    when I first saw you
    so samll so blue
    bright blue eyes
    that shine with kind
    your wings that sour threw the clouds
    the expression on your face when you were proud
    we laughed at first glance
    our love grew stronger and more advanced
    Instaed of learning from me I've learned from you
    that no matter what always stay true
    you goal is ti be the best
    above all the rest
    you are like the other half of me
    determind to be
    forever small forever blue
    forever shoryu
     
    To be honest, it's not all that good. It fails to portray the emotions you attempt to convey to the reader, perhaps in part because of its bluntness. I'm not saying that neither it nor you don't have potential, but both need refinement. The numerous typos and lack of punctuation or captilization also detract from understanding and even readability. Your use of enjambment is amatuerish and again, lacks refinement. I reiterate, it needs refinement. One of the best things I have ever heard regarding writing is from Anne Lamott, who says: "Write shitty first drafts." This is what that looks like that. You might go back over that and find only one otr two useable lines and write an almost entirely new poem from that, or maybe fix the inherant mistakes in this piece. Whatever you do, though, you have the opportunity to make it better. Take it. If you need any help, please, feel free to PM me.
     
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