Hoenn Adventures

[Elite 4 Sam]

Chapter 1: Sibling Rivalry!

Enter Ruby and Saphire. Ruby is 12 year old boy who lives in Littleroot Town. He has white hair, green eyes, wears a black headband that has a red Pokeball symbol on it, wears a red and black shirt and is most of the time wearing his tan backpack, wears blue jeans, and wears red and black shoes. Saphire is 12 year old girl who lives in Littleroot Town. She has brown hair, green eyes, wears a blue bandana with a blue Pokeball symbol on it, wears a blue and red shirt, has a bag, wears black shorts and black shoes. They are ferternal twins and are constantly argueing. About 2 weeks after reicieving an egg from thier dad, the eggs hatched. Ruby's hatched into a Zangoose, while Saphire's hatched into a Seviper (both of them have 2 egg moves!). "Alright sis, lets battle!" Said Ruby. " Alright, lets go! Come on out Seviper!" Commanded Saphire. " Okay, lets go Zangoose! Razor Wind! ( Razor Wind is an egg move.)" said Ruby. " Dodge, Seviper!" said Saphire. But it was too late. The rocky landscape slowed down Seviper so it couldn't move very fast at all! Seviper flew back and hit a tree stump. " No, Seviper!" cried Saphire. " Now use Night Slash, Zangoose!" ( thats Zangoose's other egg move!) said Ruby feircly. Zangoose had landed a critical hit! " No!" screamed Saphire. Can Saphire find a way to pull out a win or will the beatdown from Ruby and Zangoose continue? Find out in the next chapter of Hoenn Adventures! So how do u like my fic?

 

[Astinus]

Where to begin? Okay, I can do this.

You need to set your story up in such a way that the reader can actually read it. Right now, you just have a text blob, meaning a large collection of words that should be seperated into paragraphs. You did so between your chapter title and your chapter's body. You should do the same with the actual body of your work. And you seperate into paragraphs whenever someone speaks, or when you have description. So your story should look like this:

Enter Ruby and Saphire. Ruby is 12 year old boy who lives in Littleroot Town. He has white hair, green eyes, wears a black headband that has a red Pokeball symbol on it, wears a red and black shirt and is most of the time wearing his tan backpack, wears blue jeans, and wears red and black shoes. Saphire is 12 year old girl who lives in Littleroot Town. She has brown hair, green eyes, wears a blue bandana with a blue Pokeball symbol on it, wears a blue and red shirt, has a bag, wears black shorts and black shoes. They are ferternal twins and are constantly argueing.

About 2 weeks after reicieving an egg from thier dad, the eggs hatched. Ruby's hatched into a Zangoose, while Saphire's hatched into a Seviper (both of them have 2 egg moves!).

"Alright sis, lets battle!" Said Ruby.

" Alright, lets go! Come on out Seviper!" Commanded Saphire.

" Okay, lets go Zangoose! Razor Wind! ( Razor Wind is an egg move.)" said Ruby.

" Dodge, Seviper!" said Saphire.

But it was too late. The rocky landscape slowed down Seviper so it couldn't move very fast at all! Seviper flew back and hit a tree stump.

" No, Seviper!" cried Saphire.

" Now use Night Slash, Zangoose!" ( thats Zangoose's other egg move!) said Ruby feircly. Zangoose had landed a critical hit!

" No!" screamed Saphire.

Can Saphire find a way to pull out a win or will the beatdown from Ruby and Zangoose continue? Find out in the next chapter of Hoenn Adventures!

So how do u like my fic?

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I can also figure that you didn't type this in any sort of program that has a spell-checker. "Sapphire", "bandanna", "fraternal", "arguing", "receiving" and "fiercly" are spelled wrong. Also, don't use "caht speak" in your fic. So you need to actually write out "you" in your last sentence there. And not only are there spelling errors, but there are also grammar issues that need to be solved. I already showed you what to do with proper paragraphing. But there is also the proper way to punctuate a sentence, or a line of dialogue. You can pick up better grammar (and even improve on writing) if you read a lot.

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Description needs to be stepped up a bit. What you gave us for the characters is just a list of their physical attributes. To be honest, it's kind of boring just reading a list of description. Try to mesh it in with your narration, so that the flow of the story isn't interrupted by lists of description. For instance, instead of saying "Zangoose was white and red, covered in fur, and had big black claws." Try: "Zangoose appeared out of the bushes. It shook its muscular body, shaking out dirt from its white fur. It was marked with red stipes, looking for all the world like the Zangoose bathed in blood. Growling, the weasel lifted a thick paws. Sunlight shone off three sharp claws." It's better to read something like that then just a boring list.

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As a general rule, it's not a good idea to include Author Notes in your actual story. So when you have "(That's one of Zangoose's Egg Moves!)", it just gets annoying. If you want to tell your reader a piece of information, then try to fit it in with the story.

By the way, it is nice of you to do that. I'm not a master breeder, so I don't have Pokemon Egg Moves memorised! Thanks for including that information in.

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Now to end this review, I would recommend that you read oni flygon's advice thread. It's full of useful information that you can use to improve your writing. I'll leave you with the link to it.

Basic Pokemon Writing FAQ v1.0