• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.

Hollows of the Heart

Charon

unscrupulous~
  • 1,186
    Posts
    19
    Years
    That's right; Charon's doing a fic. Why? I think they're one of the best ways to improve your writing. After all, none of you guys owe me any favours; you can nag, and nit-pick, and have a general moan, and not have to worry about my feelings and how what you say will affect how nice I am in our Enviromental Science class, or whatever... xD

    So read it! Enjoy! And most importantly of all, comment and critisize!

    This fic is an OT, of sorts, but set towards the end of a journey rather than the beginning. Enjoy!


    ~~~~​

    Chapter One;

    The crowd surged, the audience cheered, and the big screen overhead blared its promised message; WINNER! The whole stadium erupted in cat-calls and shouts of delight, as the girl in the red corner punched the air and rejoiced. She was a vibrant, pretty little thing, dressed in a bright 60's style shift dress. The camera zoomed in on her, and her beaming, proud face flooded the screen. Confetti filled the air, as the loudspeakers boomed above the applause; "We have a WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNER! Con-graaaaaaaaat-ulations to Talia Reynolds, all the way from LITTLEROOOOOT!" He boomed the town name, and the stadium exploded once more. "Well done, Talia! Red moves on to the next round!"

    On the screen, her photo shifted forward a place on the Tourney Tree. Her opponent's photo was covered in a red cross, symbolising defeat.
    "Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue's out," the megaphone man continued, "so let's have a big goodbye cheer to Miss Frankie Keeler!" However, no one was listening any more, let alone to an announcement about the loser. They were caught up in the winner's joy, her glory. The megaphone man continued on, unperturbed. "Goodbye, Frankie! Frankie! Fra-"


    "-nkie! Fra-aaan, wake up!"
    Opening her eyes tentatively, Frankie Keeler peered out from her makeshift bed. She had fallen asleep, curled up on the train seat, her head resting against her bag. Scenary flashed past; unfamiliar fields, woods she'd never know, villages with unknown and unpronounceable names, no doubt. The train juddered and rocked and shook, and the girl began to wonder how she managed to dose off in the first place. Someone had thrown her coat over her, and it didn't exactly take a Sherlock Holmes to guess that owner of the voice had done it.

    Frankie sat up, only to see her best friend sitting on the opposite seat, her forehead creased in concern. This was unusual; Frankie had been travelling with Jade for nearly two years, and she rarely saw her friend with anything less than a smile on her face. She had a naturally round, rosy face, which more often than not gave her the appearance of an attractive apple, but she was the sort of the girl that was never down about anything.
    "Frankie? You okay? Only…. you didn't look too happy. And the train's gonna pull in to your…stop…pretty soon."
    Ah, Frankie thought, that explained a lot. The girl glanced out the window; fields of lavender were rushing past. She was… nearly home. Her eyes moved to the floor, where the curved form of her sleeping furret rose and fell rhythmically. Frankie smiled, before pulling her bag to her and taking out a compact mirror. She examined her reflection expectantly, studying the arch of her eyebrows, and the worry lines on her large, intelligent forehead. It was a good job Jade never seemed concerned; Frankie did more than enough fretting for both of them.
    Frankie had never been classically pretty, but now she was on her way home, she could almost see it shining through. She brushed a strand of brown fringe from her eyes, and examined her outfit. Skinny jeans, a beige, flowered shirt, a cropped tweed jacket. Very cutting edge. She couldn't help feeling proud; she was returning to her parents a grown woman now.
    Sighing, she turned her attention back to her friend.

    "I think I'm ready."

    At her words, Jade began to gush. "Oh, Frankie!" she cried, flinging her arms around her friend's neck, "I'll miss you so much! Oh god… what ever will I do without you?"
    On the floor, the furret was stirring. He gazed up at the two girls in confusion, his ears pricked. A sort of quiet intelligence shined through his bright, chocolate brown eyes as he watched. This sort of behaviour was rarely exhibited by Jade and Frankie; the last time he had seen either of them so emotional was just before Frankie's semi-final match. There had been a lot of happy-crying then, too.

    "I'll write – every day." Frankie assured her, prising herself away. The train was beginning to slow. She slung her jacket on, and hauled her bag up onto her shoulder. She leant forward and kissed her friend on the cheek. For a moment, the two girl's eyes met. Their eyes said more than words ever could; good bye, I'll miss you, I love you… Then the train grated to a halt, and Frankie scooped up her furret from the floor. He gave a squeak of confusion and climbed on to her shoulder obediently. Then the girl stumbled out of their compartment, down the corridor and off the train, just as Jade's eyes began to brim with tears.

    Standing on the sunny station platform, shading her eyes with her hand, the girl stared at the cloudless sky. The station was completely empty, and as the train pulled away, Frankie felt horribly… alone. Her furret mewed on her shoulder.
    "Shhhh, Oliver," she muttered absently, her eyes still on the train.
    Two year's worth of friendship was on that train. Two year's worth of adventure. Two years worth of training and-
    WINNER.
    Frankie's dream came flashing back; her defeat in the semi-finals had haunted her dreams nightly since that horrible day.
    Two years worth of training and failing. That was what she was leaving behind. Frankie hitched her bag higher on her shoulder, and set off down the road, Oliver's tail swinging behind.

    ~~~~​

    So that's the first chapter. Slightly angsty? Hmmm. A bit on the short side? It'll pick up. Or I'll eat my hat.
     
    Last edited:
    Just to check, you said comment and critisize, right? Yeah, you did, that means you asked for it, so no complaining. xD

    Opening her eyes tentatively, Frankie Keeler peered out from her makeshift bed. She had fallen asleep, curled up on the train seat, her head resting against her bag. Scenery flashed past; unfamiliar fields, woods she'd never know, villages with unknown and unpronounceable names, no doubt. The train juddered and rocked and shook, and Frankie began to wonder how she managed to dose off in the first place. Someone had thrown her coat over her, and it didn't exactly take a Sherlock Holmes to guess that the owner of the voice had done it.

    A typo in 'scenery' to fix and a 'that' needed in the part about the owner of the voice.
    Charon said:
    Frankie sat up, only to see her best friend sitting opposite, her forehead creased in concern. This was unusual; Frankie had been travelling with Jade for nearly two years, and she rarely saw her friend with anything less than a smile on her face. She had a naturally round, rosy face, which more often than not gave her the appearance of an attractive apple, but she was the sort of the girl that was never down about anything.
    "Frankie? You okay? Only…you didn't look too happy. And the train's gonna pull in to your…stop…pretty soon."

    You always have to sit opposite to something, although I'm not quite sure about the most suitable form for this instance. Anyway, the 'you' in "you didn't look too happy" doesn't need a capital letter since the triple dot doesn't count as a full stop. Also, no space is needed after that notation, so maybe remove those. They make it look kind of odd. o.O
    Charon said:
    Ah, Frankie thought. That explained a lot. The girl glanced out the window; fields of lavender were rushing past. She was…nearly home. Frankie's eyes moved to the floor, where the curved form of her sleeping furret rose and fell rhythmically. Frankie smiled, before pulling her bag to her and taking out a compact mirror. She examined her reflection expectantly, studying the arch of her eyebrows, and the worry lines on her large, intelligent forehead. It was a good job Jade never seemed concerned; Frankie did more than enough fretting for both of them.

    In the "Frankie thought" bit, you might want to add some kind of notation which separates the thought itself from the other text. You've been RPing so you should know how that's done. ^^ You might also want to consider some more alternative expressions since you've got two consecutive sentences beginning with "Frankie" here, if you keep that up it's going to sound repetitive. Also, leave a clean empty space between this paragraph and the next one since their content isn't really related.
    Charon said:
    Frankie had never been classically pretty, but now that she was on her way home, she could almost see it shining through. She brushed a strand of brown fringe from her eyes, and examined her outfit: Skinny jeans, a beige, flowered shirt, a cropped tweed jacket. Very cutting edge. Frankie felt proud; she was returning to her parents a grown woman now.
    Frankie sighed, and turned back to her friend.

    There's a 'that' needed in the "but now" bit. Also, the description of her clothes is a list, so separate those with commas rather than full stops. You should also replace the full stop after the "examined her outfit" bit with a colon since it's kind of introducing (Can't come up with the proper term right now xP) the list. Finally, you've got "Frankie felt proud" and "Frankie sighed" very close to each other, so replace the second "Frankie" with an alternative expression to make it look less clumsy.
    Charon said:
    At her words, Jade began to gush. "Oh, Frankie!" she cried, and flung her arms around her friend's neck, "I'll miss you so much! Oh god…what ever will I do without you?"

    On the floor, the furret was stirring. He gazed up at the two girls in confusion, his ears pricked. A sort of quiet intelligence shined through his bright, chocolate brown eyes.

    Again, I'd suggest a proper separation of the two paragraphs rather than an in-between thing and no comma needer after "she cried". The last sentence also looks a bit lonely on its own, so maybe you could combine it with the previous one (E.g. "...his ears pricked, a sort quiet intelligenece shining through his bright, chocolate brown eyes")? Just as a thought. It's also standard to begin pokémon names with capitalized letters, but it doesn't really matter as long as you keep it consistent.
    Charon said:
    "I'll write – every day." Frankie assured her, prising herself away. The train was beginning to slow. Frankie slung her jacket on, and hauled her bag up onto her shoulder. She leant forward and kissed her friend on the cheek. For a moment, the two girl's eyes met. Their eyes said more than words ever could; good bye, I'll miss you, I love you… Then the train grated to a halt, and Frankie scooped up her furret from the floor. He gave a squeak of confusion and climbed on to her shoulder obediently. Then the girl stumbled out of their compartment, down the corridor and off the train, just as Jade's eyes began to brim with tears.

    No commas needed after "slung her jacket on" and "grated to a halt". Also, there are two instances of "eyes" very close to each other here, you might want to think of some way to combine the two sentences to make it sound less repetitive.
    Charon said:
    Standing on the sunny station platform, shading her eyes with her hand, Frankie stared at the cloudless sky. The station was completely empty, and as the train pulled away, Frankie felt horribly…alone. Her furret mewed on her shoulder.

    "Shhhh, Oliver." Frankie muttered absently, her eyes still on the train.
    Two year's worth of friendship was on that train. Two years' worth of adventure. Two years' worth of training and-
    WINNER.
    Frankie's dream came flashing back; her defeat in the semi-finals had haunted her dreams nightly since that horrible day.
    Two years' worth of training and failing. That was what she was leaving behind. Frankie hitched her bag higher on her shoulder, and set off down the road, Oliver's tail swinging behind.

    Again, plenty of "Frankie"s about, try exercising alternative expressions for variety. Also, in the plural possesive (such as years) the apostrophe comes after the 's' (otherwise it would look like the singular) and the "that's" sounds like present tense, so you might want to split it into "that was".


    Aaaand that's all I could find this far. You're right that it's rather short for a first chapter, and as a reader I would have appreciated a bit of a longer introduction of the main character, but overall, it accomplished what a first chapter should accomplish so it's all good and linguistically it's a very good piece. Can't say that much about the characters, though, since there isn't that much information available at the moment, but it seems promising this far. Any figures on how long it will take before the next chapter comes around? ^^
     
    *salutes* All taken into account, Sir Alter, master of the FF forum. The first chapter is kinda short, but there seemed like a nice little place to end it, with her getting off the train. The next chapter will be up late tonight, or maybe tomorrow. It depends how long my 'careers evening' lasts xP
     
    Last edited:
    I really enjoyed that, Charon! =D

    A nice deviation from the usual 'trainer defeats entire Elite Four' and such... It's nice to see it from the losers view point. I didn't notice any mistakes, and just really enjoyed it. =D
     
    Whoo. I went out all Friday night, so that's why this is so late. My friend broke his ankle climbing over a wall. He had to go to hospital in an ambulance, it was quite exciting xD

    ~~~~~~​

    Chapter 2;

    It had been a long time since she'd been home. Two whole years – it was a long time to Frankie, anyway. Strangely enough, nothing had changed. Compared to the sights she had seen, and the obstacles she had conquered, the sleepy village of Titherby was sleep-inducing.

    Frankie had forgotten what a long walk it was home.
    Oliver gambled by her side, leaping and bounding cheerfully. The girl smirked; did he even remember this place? She had caught him near here, after her mother had refused to get her a charmander.
    It had been a day rather like this; sunny, but cold, with a nip to the air. Autumn was well on its way. She had spotted a sentret Oliver padding along with his siblings, scurrying in front like sergeant major. He was by far the smallest, but had been bossing everyone around in sucha bustling, busy-body manner Frankie had adored him at once. And-
    Stop daydreaming, Frankie scolded herself crossly, I've had enough of the past, thank-you-very-much.

    She settled her eyes on the horizon instead. The path curved upwards, and at the very top of the hill, she could see her village; a scattering of houses with sprawling gardens, a corner shop, and acres upon acres of farmland. Despite herself, she couldn't help but smile. She had rose-tinted memories of playing in the long grass, in the days when her world was filled with a peace only true contentment can create. She smiled absently as her house came into view. As if guessing what she had seen, Oliver gave a happy squeak.
    {Are we nearly there?} he asked, his voice suddenly bright with excitement. Frankie had told him many times about her home; how her Mum would run out to greet her, how her Grandma would laugh at how she was still training that 'silly ol' furret', and how her stepfather would loiter in the hallway, finally excluded. Of course, in those stories, she was returning home a champion.
    "Nearly," Frankie told him grudgingly. For a moment, she was quiet, then; "It'll be nice to be back."
    Her furret stared at her doubtingly, but chose not to answer. They were nearly there, after all, and Frankie was such a worry-wart; if asked any more, she'd clam up completely. And that was no fun.

    As she neared the porch, Frankie felt her stomach turn. Who knew returning home would be this nerve-wracking? The house looked the same as always; wide bay windows, edged by curtains, weathered red brick and a wood door painted white. The garden was an outburst of riotous colour; reds, orange, yellows, all clamouring for space amongst the michealmas daisies and the ornamental bird bath. Fixing a smile on to her face, Frankie rapped on the door knocker.

    No answer was the reply.

    For a moment, Frankie just stared at the doorbell expectantly. Then she peered through the letterbox. Finally, she tried the front window. There was a new plasma screen television in one corner.
    "Nobody's home…" she mumbled. Then; "nobody's home!" she repeated, slightly louder, her voice indignant. She couldn't help feeling slightly hurt – then angry. After all, her Mum knew she was getting off the 2 o' clock train today! They had agreed it over the phone over a week ago. For lack of something better to do, Frankie stamped her foot. It was a silly, childish thing to do, but the gesture made her feel better.
    She wheeled round to face her furret.
    "Can you believe it, Oli? They're not in!" Her furret said nothing. The girl's brow furrowed into a frown, annoyed at his lack of sympathy. She planted both hands on her hips haughtily. "Oli? Oh-" she broke off, as Oliver swivelled on the spot.

    {Look, Frankie!} he urged his trainer, pointing a chocolate paw down the garden. Frankie did as she was told, and sure enough, there was a furret perched on the garden gate.
    It was a female, that much was obvious. Tied around its neck was a large, oversized bow, made out of some sort of luxurious, shimmering silk. A small silver soothe bell dangled from it, and it tinkled when she moved. She was a strangely pale shade, the beige part of her closer to white, and had big, button eyes.
    Oliver was enchanted. He watched her adoringly, while Frankie's frown got deeper and deeper.

    "We don't have time for this," the girl began, gesturing wildly, "I mean, where's my Mum? Oliver? Are you listening?"

    {…No…} The furret replied dreamily, and took a few steps forward.

    "Oliver!" Frankie exclaimed, her voice rising as Oliver continued to ignore her, "leave that bloody furret alone and-"

    "-Is my furret causing a problem?"
    The girl's eyes widened. A boy had appeared behind the female furret, and was watching Frankie with suspicion. She felt herself blush, and began to stutter an apology.

    "Oh, n-no, it's… fine, fine!"
    Frankie cursed herself inwardly. If there was one thing she hated, it was being found telling her furret off. She loved Oliver to death, and normally he was your standard obedient, devoted starting pokemon. He was quite content to ride around on her shoulder all day, and battled furiously when the need arose. The only times he didn't listen was around water – god knows how she ended up with a water-loving furret – and… around other female furrets. Thankfully they weren't found in the wild, and it was even rarer to train one up to competing levels. Still… who knew what it made her look like as a trainer? Probably absolutely terrible, a lightweight n00b that couldn't even get a furret to obey.
    What made the situation even worse was that wasn't one of Frankie's friends that had seen this display, who would shrug it off after seeing so many of her triumphs, but a complete stranger. A very hot stranger.

    He was strikingly tall and thin, and dressed rather plainly in a navy blue rugby shirt with a white collar, and stone-washed, baggy jeans. His face was angular, his chin jutting, but at the same time he was strangely attractive. There was a certain mildness about his mouth that Frankie couldn't quite put her finger on, but liked it all her same. His eyes were a stormy grey colour, but ever so expressionless. He didn't even raise an eyebrow at Frankie's stuttering.
    So much for maturity, Frankie thought to herself irritably.

    "Okay, then," he began, and thrust his arm out for his furret, "come on then, Spindrift. Let's go."
    At hearing her name, the female furret climbed – no, flowed, there was no other way to describe such an elegant movement – up his arm and curled herself around his shoulders where she lay a living scarf. Here she lay, blinking her innocent eyes at Oliver in confusion, as if she couldn't quite grasp the idea of being even slightly disobedient to her boy.
    Then he turned and left, leaving Frankie standing looking lost on her own on the garden path. She watched him for a bit, as he walked off towards the rest of the village, before turning around and sitting back down on the house's porch. They'll be home soon, she assured herself, probably popped out to get me a…celebratory cake, and lost track of time.

    So she waited.
    And waited.
    Oliver came and clambered clumsily onto her lap, curling himself into a tight ball.
    Still she waited, hoping to see a car's headlights coming down the road any minute, or hear laughing voices as her mother got off the train, full of joy at the thought of her daughter's homecoming.
    There was nothing; only silence, broken by Oliver's soft sighing breaths and the hoots of a noctowl somewhere far away.

    It got dark. Still, Frankie waited.

    ~~~~~~​

    Thanks, Katiekitten! I'm glad you like. I'm sorry this chapter's short as well, there is a reason for it |D

    Other than laziness, I mean.
     
    Charon said:
    It had been a long time since she'd been home. Two whole years – it was a long time to Frankie, anyway. Strangely enough, nothing had changed. Compared to the sights she had seen, and the obstacles she had conquered, the sleepy village of Titherby was sleep-inducing.

    Nyah, 'sleepy' and 'sleep-inducing' this close to each other sound kind of repetitive. I'd suggest replacing 'sleepy' with a synonymous expression.
    Charon said:
    It had been a day rather like this; sunny, but cold, with a nip to the air. Autumn was well on its way. She had spotted a sentret Oliver padding along with his siblings, scurrying in front like sergeant major. He was by far the smallest, but had been bossing everyone around in such a bustling, busy-body manner Frankie had adored him at once. And-
    Stop daydreaming, Frankie scolded herself crossly, I've had enough of the past, thank-you-very-much.

    No comma needed after "sunny". Also, you forgot to add a space between "such" and "a".
    Charon said:
    She settled her eyes on the horizon instead. The path curved upwards, and at the very top of the hill, she could see her village: a scattering of houses with sprawling gardens, a corner shop, and acres upon acres of farmland. Despite herself, she couldn't help but smile. She had rose-tinted memories of playing in the long grass, in the days when her world was filled with a peace only true contentment can create. She smiled absently as her house came into view. As if guessing what she had seen, Oliver gave a happy squeak.

    {Are we nearly there?} he asked, his voice suddenly bright with excitement. Frankie had told him many times about her home: how her Mum would run out to greet her, how her Grandma would laugh at how she was still training that 'silly ol' furret', and how her stepfather would loiter in the hallway, finally excluded.

    Of course, in those stories, she was returning home a champion.
    "Nearly," Frankie told him grudgingly. For a moment, she was quiet, then; "It'll be nice to be back."
    Her furret stared at her doubtingly, but chose not to answer. They were nearly there, after all, and Frankie was such a worry-wart. If asked any more, she'd clam up completely. And that was no fun.

    Just a couple of paragraphing suggestions to break down this monster of a paragraph. Also, colon rather than semi-colon after "her village" and "her home" and full stop rather than semi-colon after "worry-wart".
    Charon said:
    As she neared the porch, Frankie felt her stomach turn. Who knew returning home would be this nerve-wracking? The house looked the same as always; wide bay windows, edged by curtains, weathered red brick and a wood door painted white. The garden was an outburst of riotous colour: reds, orange, yellows, all clamouring for space amongst the michealmas daisies and the ornamental bird bath. Fixing a smile on to her face, Frankie rapped on the door knocker.

    Colon rather than semi-colon after "riotous colour".
    Charon said:
    He was strikingly tall and thin, and dressed rather plainly in a navy blue rugby shirt with a white collar, and stone-washed, baggy jeans. His face was angular, his chin jutting, but at the same time he was strangely attractive. There was a certain mildness about his mouth that Frankie couldn't quite put her finger on, but liked it all the same. His eyes were a stormy grey colour, but ever so expressionless. He didn't even raise an eyebrow at Frankie's stuttering.
    So much for maturity, Frankie thought to herself irritably.

    Nyah, that should be "all the same", I believe. A case of thinking one thing and writing the other, I presume? ^^
    Charon said:
    "Okay, then," he began, and thrust his arm out for his furret, "come on then, Spindrift. Let's go."
    At hearing her name, the female furret climbed – no, flowed, there was no other way to describe such an elegant movement – up his arm and curled herself around his shoulders where she lay a living scarf. Here she lay, blinking her innocent eyes at Oliver in confusion, as if she couldn't quite grasp the idea of being even slightly disobedient to her boy.

    Two instances of 'lay' quite close to each other. Also, shouldn't that be "There" rather than "Here" at the beginning of the sentence?


    Anyways, that's about all I have one the subject of corrections. Character development seems to be going just fine, but the plot side of things seems to be a bit slow (Two chapters and she hasn't gotten further than the porch of her home? Nyah, just pointing out.). Longer chapters would remedy that, but since you explicitly stated that there's some kind of grand master plan behind the chapter length I'll reserve judgement until I see it. Keep on writing, Charon, the story still remains interesting. ^^
     
    Back
    Top