Hurakio

[Double 7]

Chapter 1 Introduction

5,000 years ago.....

Hurakio was running as fast as he could. He had to get out of that castle before sundown. The problem was that there was no way out. Maybe if I make a turn here... He turned right. He stopped dead in his tracks. Oh man A giant figure was right in front of him. Hurakio turned around in a second and flew down the hall at a break-neck speed. " GRAAAAAAH!" a giant roar shook the castle. Hurakio saw light from behind him. Hyper Beam! Just then he saw an opening above him. He jumped up straight into it. It lead him to a hallway. Light! Hurakio ran toward the the light. The light was growing dimmer by the second. Oh no! He ran faster. He grew closer and closer to the light. Almost there!

5,000 years later.......

Ash Dawn and Brock were walking down the road. " Look there it is!" yelled Brock, as the three of them gazed upon a giant castle. All of a sudden a net trapped Pikachu and Dawn. " Pikachu! Dawn!" Yelled Ash. " Hello Twirp!" yelled Meowth, " just here to take our prize. Don't mind us!" " Team Rocket! Let them go!" Ash yelled but team rocket was flying away in a helicopter. Ash ran after them! He jumped onto the net. "Pika!" yelled pikachu. "Ash!" yelled Dawn. Ash started to rip the rope with his teeth. Finally they were free but way to high. "Pikachu hold on to my shoulder!" "Pika!" Pikachu obeyed. Ash held Dawn. "Go Staravia!" Ash threw his pokeball. " Staravi carry us to the ground safly!" "Staravia!" Staravia did as he was told. As they were being carried down, Dawn was getting a feeling about Ash and herself.

To be continued..........

 

[Astinus]

Okay, where to begin.

First of all, the mechanics need to be fixed. You have a few spelling errors, most of which is using the wrong word. "To" does not equal "too". (The second one means "also", for further reference.) There's also the fact that you need to make more paragraphs. You start a new one whenever someone new speaks.

To me, you could have easily split this chapter into two. Right now, the chapters would be short, but there's ways to fix that. Like the "5000 years ago" part. Why is Hurakio running away? Where and who is he running from? Where is he running to? Where is the Hyper Beam coming from? Where is the light coming from? And then you end the first chapter/prologue with Hurakio running into the light.

The second chapter could begin with Ash and company walking down random route on a normal typical day. Describe the normalcy so that when Team Rocket attacks, it's a shock to the reader. (Maybe. I mean, it is Team Rocket.) Describe the attack so that the reader gets nervous. How does Ash feel when Dawn is captured?

That's really what I see wrong with it. It's just the basics that need touching upon.

Check out this thread. It's full of advice that might prove to be useful for you.

Though, it is to say that you shouldn't stop writing. Far from it. Just keep practicing writing. You got a story inside of you waiting to come out and only you can get it out. So keep posting and don't let me get you down.

 

[Double 7]

thanks for correcting me but i already now this stuff ( except the spelling errors ) I really care for the people to understand. Other people don't put much paragraphs. Well thanks anyway.

 

[Double 7]

Chapter 2 The Castle Part One

Ash Dawn and Brock read the invatation again.

Congratulations!
You have been invited to Sir Eric's 20th birthday!
You don't have to dress up! We have dresses tuxedos and costumes!
431 Morecorp Rd.

" This guy must be rich! Owning all of those clothes!" said Ash
" The names must have been chosen by random. We don't even know Sir Eric!" Said Dawn

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When they got to the castle they showed the gaurds their invatation.
" You may enter" said a gaurd opening the door. As they walked inside, Ash saw four familiar faces.
" May! Max! Misty! Drew!" yelled Ash. They turned around.
" Ash!" they said.
Ash ran toward them. Dawn and Brock followed.
" It's great to see you again!" said Ash
" You, too,Ash." said May
" So you got invited, too" said Misty
" Yeah" said Ash
" Ash, who are these people?" asked Dawn
" Oh, sorry. Guys this is my friend, Dawn. Dawn This is May Max Misty and Drew." said Ash
" Hi" said Dawn
" Hi" Said the others.
" You guys should dress up like everone else" said Misty, "they're over there."

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They walked into a giant room filled with clothes. Dawn flew across the room.
" When it comes to clothes shes in high speed" whispered Ash. Dawn flew into the changing room. Ash found a costume.
" That looks cool" said Ash and he went into the changing room. Ash came out before Dawn. Ash and Brock waited for five minutes. Dawn came out. Ash and Dawn looked at each other. Both blushing. Dawn was wearing a sparkly green dress. Ash looked Devilishly handsome. Dawn walked out of the room. He likes me! As soon as Dawn closed the door Brock and Pikachu burst into laughing. Ash was frozen. Ash got up and walked out of the room mad and shy. When he walked out Ash saw everyone slow dancing. May was with Drew and Max was with Misty.
" Um......Ash.." said Dawn. Ash turned around and saw Dawn. " Would you...... like...to.." She was blushing big " dance with me?"
" Um....sure." said Ash. They walked onto the dance floor and started to slow dance. They were both blushing.
" Ah. Young love." said an elder watching Ash and Dawn.
" Your beautiful." whispered Ash and quickly kissed Dawn on the cheek.

To be continued..........

 

[mew three]

wow thats a good story so far. I think Ash went a little to far and i LOL'd when Brock And pikachu laughed.

 

[Astinus]

Um, what? You might think that you know everything but your story doesn't prove it. Your mechanics are pretty bad in chapter two. You're missing punctuation for your dialogue. You say that you know this stuff, but you don't prove it by using your knowledge. I saw that you can put punctuation in your dialogue because you did so in your first chapter, but you didn't do so in your second chapter.

And there's no excuse for brushing away spelling mistakes. There's programs that you can use/get off the Internet or that are already on your computer that have spell-checker, so you can spell words correctly. Barring that, you can get someone to read your chapters for you that can help you spell the words you're unsure of. There's no excuse.

"Other people don't put much paragraphs"? All of my friends who are writers have many paragraphs. Their chapters stretch on for seven to fifteen pages. Their fanfics are in the Fanfiction of the Month section because the mods think that they are good fics.

One page chapters aren't really welcomed here. They're too short, and there are ways to make your chapters longer.

I'm still saying that you need to place in more description. Your last chapter ended with Dawn finding feelings for Ash. Your second chapter begins with a random invitation from a random person. There's no transition between chapters. Your readers are left to wonder what happened in between chapters.

Don't just blow off the advice given to you because you "know this stuff". Don't rush your chapters. I'm not telling you to stop writing. I'm just telling you basic things that need to be changed before your fic gets closed.

 

[Double 7]

sorry guys i need ideas for the next chapter. Ill try to write as soon as I can. I need an action scene.

 

[Double 7]

Chapter 2 The Castle Part 2

Ash ran off like a jet. Dawn stood there, red in the face. Did he.... A smile got on her face. Yay! She walked off the dance floor.
" Will everyone please calm down for the ceremony!" announced the announcer, " Thank you. Now, Sir Eric, if you would be so kind to start the ceremony."
" I would be proud to." said Sir Eric. He stood up and held a staff. Just then something crashed through one of the giant windows. The crowd gasped. The creature stood up. Then he jolted through the crowd. As he got across the dance floor, Ash noticed it was after him. Ash took off. But the creature was too fast. Ash tripped and collasped to the floor. The creature pinned him down.
" Sir Esto!" the creature said sounding angry," Why did you leave me in that castle! Why did you-"
" Hurakio." a voice interepted the creature. Hurakio turned around and saw the queen of the castle.
" Queen Samantha! Are you ok?" Hurakio asked her.
" I'm afraid I'm not who you think I am." said the queen. Hurakio looked at Ash. He noticed he wasn't Sir Esto.

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" Do you remember anything before you were unconscious?" asked the queen.
" I do." said Hurakio.
( Hurakio having flashback )

" I remember running as fast as I could to get out of the castle. I was getting to a light and when I was about to get out everything went black." said Hurakio.

( flashback ended )

" How long do you think you were unconscious?" aske the queen.
" A couple of days?" Hurakio guessed.
" I think it was more like 5,000 years." said the queen.
" What?!" said Hurakio.

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Ash was on the balcony watching the sunset. Dawn came out to see him.
" Are you ok?" she asked.
" Yeah." Ash answered.
" Ash why did you....ya know.... did what you did?" Dawn asked.
" Oh because....." said Ash. He began to blush.
" Don't worry I know why." said Dawn. She began to blush. " And I feel the same way." She tilted her head forward. So did Ash. When the were a centimeter away from each others lips, the door slammed open. Ash and Dawn jolted away from each other.
" Guys! You'll never beleive what happened!" yelled Brock.
Man! Can't a couple get some privacy?! Ash and Dawn thought.

To be continued.....

 

[mew three]

lol that was good Double 7. Dawn and Ash never get any privacy :D

 

[Careful With That Axe Pichu!]

This fic is now closed after failing to meet the standards of the section . We do not encourage rushed work here. If you have inquiries or need assistance, you're welcome to PM me.

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