Inu-kun strikes again! More Poetry

[Inuyasha]

Okay... I couldnt get the thread name changed on my other one... So i decided to nuke it, an start fresh. >.> And if you're gunna say 'why not talk to a mod' ...
It's cuz... well... i'm lazy.

Anywho... here's a poem.... brand spankin new, as I am writing it as I go...


'The rain's the rain.'

I sit here, motionless, as i feel them drop.
Sometimes i mistake them for the rain.
I usally laugh and wipe them away,
Knowing full well you'd be mad.
I still have you, but, still i am sad.
It's hard for me to get used to things.
But i will, i'm not weak ya know...
I wonder to myself, as I watch the rain...
'Is she staring out her window, watching the sky.
Is she smiling... or angry... or does she cry?
Does my love think of me at all, in her dorm room craze.
Has the one I love even been phased?'
It feels so cold out, I never did like that feeling.
Inside i cling to the words you said.
'I mate for life.' ... 'I love you, baka.'
I try to give in, and trust in everything.
But my past is filled... with loved ones leaving.
Not many people really stayed...
And for you to... I will pray.
The rain's the rain. It falls nonetheless.
I love the rain. And I love you the best.

 

[Cybex Mewtwo]

Very nice Inuyasha. I liked this, and thus you get a shiny sword...again.

 

[Inuyasha]

Very nice Inuyasha. I liked this, and thus you get a shiny sword...again.

Lolz... is that... like Golden Globe award? xD

'Here'

I thought about it...
'What do you want, Sean'
You'd ask.
And I'd think.
I'd like to be happy...
And never cry again.
I'd like to be with good friends...
All the best of them.
I'd like to have a good job...
And buy the things I like.
I'd like to have the best girl...
And have you here with me.
I dont know what I'll get.
Life is wierd like that...
But Dammit woman. I want you here.
So I'mma work on that.
I'll sit here waiting, working, living.
Loving only you.
I'm doin so cuz I want to.
I want you here.

 

[Cybex Mewtwo]

Lolz... is that... like Golden Globe award? xD

Uh...no. It's a shiny sword...duh. :laugh:

Anyways, this latest edition is quite good as well. Makes me feel like the same thing...

 

[Inuyasha]

Uh...no. It's a shiny sword...duh. :laugh:

Anyways, this latest edition is quite good as well. Makes me feel like the same thing...

/sigh


Hmm... what else can I do...


'I got Fixed'
The air is clear up here,
Crisp and Cool.
It bites my lungs as I inhale.
When It seems as though I am drowning in this world,
I can always rise above.
It's nice having wings.
Thanks for helping them get fixed.

 

[Inuyasha]

Its nice, I guess...
This place on where I lay.
My chin isnt as numb anymore,
That feeling went away.
I'm still sure I'm right...
But the woman said 'You're wrong'
And then she sent me to the ground
Head first...
^.^ That 'Osuwari' didnt take long! :laugh:

 

[Cybex Mewtwo]

XD...teh double post.....:laugh:

Anyways, these latest entries are pretty good. *pat on the back* decent work there.

 

[Inuyasha]

XD...teh double post.....:laugh:

Anyways, these latest entries are pretty good. *pat on the back* decent work there.

I can do what I want in my forum! xD

Silky smooth heaven
your lips press against mine. wait.
Your skin is perfect

~`~`~``
See... i can do whatevah! ^.^
sides, if i waitied for people to reply i'd be screwed. ;.;

 

[Cybex Mewtwo]

True true...well it would seem that I may be the only interested person......well...I can get others to stop by....

 

[Inuyasha]

True true...well it would seem that I may be the only interested person......well...I can get others to stop by....

keh. I dun need anyone viewin this. Thanks though... -.-
I guess if they wanna check it out they can. Doesnt bother me much.

 

[Cybex Mewtwo]

Heh heh....pretty laid back about it eh...Kinda like me...

 

[Inuyasha]

Heh heh....pretty laid back about it eh...Kinda like me...

nah, just dont like bothering people by complainin ^.^

snowflakes will fall around me,
winter's chill will freeze my bones.
the seasons are like this, koi,
but being warm is never a chore.
I can smile on the coldest nights.
laugh when i feel to cry.
Memories... I have many good ones...
All of them are of you and I

 

[~Ozy~]

I see a few major problems with this piece. First, emotionally, it feels disjointed. you start off talking about winter, then go to romance, and end up with memories. There's a problem with that, particularly in a poem short as this. Try to limit yourself to two topics (at the MOST) if you're going to write something of this length. Second, your flow is disjointed. It starts off strong with the first two lines, but by the third you've interrupted your flow and rhythm. either go for an entirely disjointed poem, or a flowing one. Don't mix 'em. Not good, again, particularly if it's this short. Do try and improve upon that, it's just something you have to play around with. Finally, in the last of the poem, the ABCB rhyming throws the reader off, especially after you set this up as a more free-form/verse. Again, like the rhythm, don't mix and match.

The sentiment expressed in the poem is appreciated, though, and it is indeed a good effort. I look forward to seeing more for you. Keep writing, you'll improve.

Technique score: 3/10

Emotive score: 6/10

Overall score: 4/10

 

[Inuyasha]

Lol.

That's all really funny, but you read it as you would a normal piece.
Also... >.> I really wasnt trying for anything... so 'course it sucks.
^.^ An I'm the type to take all those fundamentals and junk and... well... forget them.

Now... if you take it like this...


(snowflakes will fall around me,
winter's chill will freeze my bones.)

(the seasons are like this, koi,)

(but) pause (being warm is never a) ... (chore.) -- my mistake for forgetting those elipses... i've yet to sleep today. -.-

(I can smile on the coldest nights.)

(laugh)... (when i feel to cry.)

(Memories... I have many good ones...)
(All of them are of you and I)

The poem isnt about winter, or seasons, or anything like that.
It's about the warmth that good memories can bring, despite the outside world. Dont think so much. 90% of my stuff is easily over-analyzed. xD


My mind is numb from the sleepless night's I
Inevitably...
Take to myself.
The hollow ringing is deafening in the silence that
Ironically...I cannot hear.
My fingers walk this laptop slowly as I ponder
Intricatly...
Each and every small crevass of your skin.
You smile, creating those dimples that
Honestly...
Make you so beautiful.
If I will sleep, I'd rather It come for me when,
Miraculously...
I can close my eyes and imagine you here.
Smiling.
The same image that has kept me...
Awake.

 

[Inuyasha]

I put on my sort of faded blue jeans,
and that faded white lettered tee,
So I can walk out into the faded yellow afternoon.
All around me lies a faded green earth,
With it's faded tan dirt,
And the faded grey cement that was paved in the way.
I look through these now faded brown eyes
Upon a faded monarch butterfly
And I think...
The world wasnt so faded before.
I think of the times we shared.
The good.
The bad.
The times where we did nothing,
And the times that we did nothing right.
I think of how childish we were,
In the yeares that faded into the past,
And I think of how bright your smile was...
And how it faded into black.
I think of the times that
I held you so close I could smell you.
And how it's faded from my nose.
But I know, no matter how faded this
Denim jean jacket world gets,
My love, is fade proof.

 

[Inuyasha]

>.> Weellllll.... I think I may be able to squeeze a few more out tonight...

The whispering winds calls to me from above
Filling my thoughts with all sorts of things.
'I dont know' I reply to them, shaking momentarily.
Oh, how the wind can send shivers down my spine.
A flame is not meant to be left, unprotected,
To the cutting, crisp winds.
But this flame pushes on, burning still.
It refuses to be snuffed out,
Even the rain soaked kindling will be ignited.
The hollow shell that is filled with sweet light
Will not perish. He refuses to.
I refuse to.

 

[Inuyasha]

A screen seperates us.
Not just you and I...
But all of us players
On FFXI. << XD >>
But even though silicon
And cables and cards
Are all that connect us
The smiles recieved are
Always right here.
So pick up a credit card
And join the games!
Yeah. I know...
This poem's lame.

XD

 

[Inuyasha]

'Who needs sleep?'

It's late.
We should both be sleeping, but...
It isnt happening, is it?
Heh. Neither of us really did sleep well.
I'm trying to, though.
But it's harder then I thought.
Just... being calm enough...
Not thinking as I always do...
And falling asleep.
I should sleep.
But... These thoughts flow through my brain
Like caffine... they keep me awake.
Doubts, fears... I guess...
I guess I should be used to them, no?
But they haunt me. No matter how I try to forget.
It's not like I mean to be all those things I'd...
Be so much better off not being...
But then... I wouldnt be me.
And... you... always said you loved...
Me.
But I'll... I'll break myself if it means I can keep you...
Even... a second longer.
I'm in love with you.
That ain't changing.
So, tonight, I dont sleep.
Not because of nightmares,
Or worries...
But because I have your face in my head.
And I wanna see you just one second longer.

 

[Inuyasha]

My words seem to be failing,
Laughs seem hollow.
Smiles are only fake.
I dont care if I have to fake a smile.
If doing so makes everyone happier
I will.
I'm sorry I cant beat it.
This part of me that wishes to cry.
But just because I cant beat it
Doesnt mean I quit wanting to try.
I'm fighting everything I can
Every day I can.
I wont stop, Koibito,
Not for you. Not for love.
But because I know what makes me happy.
I and love and you. Those words seem to fit.
^.^ I love you

I'm runnin outta stuff here. havent felt like sayin much really... sorry guys. I've run out of words. -.- I'll post back in here when I can... Sorry again

 

[Inuyasha]

The stars, the stars,
Oh how they gaze down upon us.
Each little speck in that big black night
Watching us glowing bright.
We stare at them, wishing upon that one.
Or that one. Or that one.
They glimmer with a hope that
We too, glimmer with.
It's a shame, really.
We all gaze and look and wish.
So much that we miss what we have.
To my diamond, I thank you
For all the joys you've given me!
My pearls, you have my love
My friends you've made me smile.I'll still gaze into the night...
But I wont forget what I have.
People that I love.