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<{[( Kanto Adventures [PG] )]}>

Dragon Lover

Oooh, words under my name.
  • 340
    Posts
    20
    Years
    Clich? start, enjoy:

    Prologue​

    ?Blastoise, Rapid Spin, Surf combo!? Brian a 6?4 feet and 11 inches tall boy with a slight muscular build shouted, He had light brown eyes the color of his hair. He was wearing a navy colored shirt matching his pants. His waist had an orange belt around it containing 7 holes and a square shaped pocket.

    ?Smeargle, counter with Protect!? shouted a boy.

    A huge tortoise like pok?mon started spinning at an abnormal rate for its size, a tidal wave of pure water forming at the same time. While Blastoise was preparing its attack, a gnome-sized pok?mon with a tail shaped like a paintbrush was forming a green wall of defensive energy.

    The tortoise pok?mon slammed into the Smeargle breaking the green shield with ease. It seemed Smaergle couldn?t handle such a large pok?mon.

    ?Oh yeah!? cried Brian, ?You did it Blastoise!?

    "Let's see if you can beat this guy," the boy hissed while ignorantly smirking. He threw a Pok?ball.

    A blinding flash of red later an enormous pok?mon appeared. Boasting a huge body and incredible weight, this pok?mon is called Snorlax. A pok?mon with lime green skin and a white underbelly and enough strenght to crush boulders.

    ?Blastoise use Substitute then follow up with Focus Punch!? confidently cried Brian, clutching the good luck charm he had around his neck which was given to him by his mother.

    The tortoise pok?mon called Blastoise kneeled on the ground creating another copy it self, only transparent. The real Blastoise as well as the fake were starting to tighten their focus preparing to launch a huge punch.

    ?Snorlax, Hyper Beam that over grown turtle away.? The boy called Norman ignorantly shouted.

    The Snorlax began charging something in its mouth, preparing to fire a huge beam of energy with enough power if used correctly to destry Saffron city.

    The Blastoise suddenly opened his eyes, evilly smirking at the Snorlax.

    ?Snoooor? cried the behemoth, firing an orange beam of destruction at the Blastoise.

    The beam hit and the fake Blastoise instantly disappeared, leaving the real one wide open for another attack. But none came. Instead it seems Snorlax was resting after the powerful attack, a sitting duck.

    Blastoise rushed towards Snorlax its fist glowing with a red aura. The fist made contact and the Snorlax was thrown clean over the stands landing out of the stadium.

    ?I win!? Brian happily shouted running over to his Blastoise hugging it.

    ?There you have it ladies and gentlemen, Brian of Pallet Town has won!? the commentator excitedly shouted through the microphone.

    Thousands of cheers arose from the stands, all shouting one name:

    ?Brian! Brian! Brian!?

    **[><]**​

    ?Brian dear wake up?, a feminine voice said, ?You have lots of chores to do!?

    ?Huh?? confusedly Brian said, he peered around his surroundings, He wasn?t in a stadium? he was in his room!

    "Err, Brian?? said the voice again, its source being a woman's head peeking out of a door, which stood next to a table made of oak.

    ?What a dream? sighed Brian, before going of to change his clothes.
    _________________________________________________
    Constructive Critisizm accepted please.

    ~DL~
     
    Last edited:
    Very nice prologue DL, i expect chapter One to be good. You've just inspired me and for that i thank you.
     
    Word of Advice: When we don't need description, you gave us too much. When we do need some, you gave us nothing or too little.
    A huge tortoise like pok?mon with blue skin and cannons sticking out of it?s steel like shell started spinning at an abnormal rate for its size, a tidal wave of pure water forming at the same time.

    We don't need the description on Blastoise especially when we already know what it looks like. Of course everyone does. Anyone who doesn't has to get shot. But the fact that you described a battle move so awkwardly and it's so anime-styled-cliched, (and I'm biased against anything near anime-style) I don't suggest that you overdescribe something. You could describe it solidly, and then just explain it with a solid description, the end.

    While the tortoise like pok?mon was preparing its attack, a gnome-sized pok?mon with a tail shaped like a paintbrush was forming a green wall of defensive energy called Protect.

    We already know that it's protect. No need to name it. The way you described protect is kind of awkward for me. But maybe this paragraph should be combined with the last one and probable make some sort of transition so that the battle wouldn't be so non-chronological like the way you portrayed it.

    The tortoise like pok?mon started spinning wildly towards the gnome-sized pok?mon called Smeargle.

    yeah, like I mentioned before: people will get confused since they will think that Blastoise attacked but you reverted it back to smeargle before blastoise attacks, and now you're back to blastoise attacking but now, he started executing his move.

    3 yards, 2 yards, 1 yard? CONTACT!

    Your syntax seems awkward.

    The tortoise pok?mon slammed into the Smeargle breaking the green shield with ease. It seemed Smaergle couldn?t handle such a large pok?mon.

    ?Oh yeah!? cried the trainer owning Blastoise, ?You did it Blastoise!?

    Giving a solid (note on the emphasis) description of the trainer might avoid you from saying "owning Blastoise" because that's awkward.

    ?Humph, let?s see you beat this guy?, a man ignorantly smirking hissed throwing a pok?ball, a ball with the color red as top and white as bottom.
    Your adjectives aren't properly placed. Were you trying to say:

    "Let's see if you can beat this guy," the man hissed while ignorantly smirking. He threw the Pokeball...

    ... ARGH! NO! Don't describe the Pokeball! It's unecessary!!!

    A blinding flash of red later an enormous pok?mon appeared. Boasting a huge body and incredible weight, this pok?mon is called Snorlax. A pok?mon with lime green skin and a white underbelly its strength made Blastoise look like a Caterprie, a small bug pok?mon that looks like a caterpillar.

    Horrible transition. So Blastoise has the strength of a Caterpie? Or Blastoise is a Caterpie?

    ?Blastoise use Substitute then follow up with Focus Punch!? confidently cried Brian, clutching the good luck charm he had around his neck which was given to him by his mother.

    Anime style battling. No-no. Unecessary and awkwardly described. Again. (I'm sorry if I sound tedious)

    Brian was 6?4 feet and 11 inches tall with a slight muscular build. He had light brown eyes the color of his hair. He was wearing a navy colored shirt matching his pants. His waist had an orange belt around it containing 7 holes and a square shaped pocket.

    Bad time to describe the trainers now. You could've done it near the beginning or at least the end... more unecessary description.

    The tortoise pok?mon called Blastoise kneeled on the ground creating another copy it self, only transparent. The real Blastoise as well as the fake were starting to tighten their focus preparing to launch a huge punch, literally!

    "Literally" is only used to emphasize something that is in a form of figure of speech done in accordance and actuality. i.e.: I'm losing my head, literally, because I'm going to get beheaded at the French square tomorrow.

    ?Snorlax, Hyper Beam that over grown turtle away.? The man called Norman ignorantly said.

    overgrown is one word... and... um... what's up with the Ignorant?

    The Snorlax began charging something in its mouth, preparing to fire a huge beam of energy with enough power to destroy Saffron, the main city in the Kanto region.

    Awkwardly described... and you don't need to describe its power by saying that it could "destroy Saffron" which is "the main city in the Kanto region" ...

    The Blastoise suddenly opened his eyes, evilly smirking at the Snorlax.

    ?Snoooor? cried the behemoth, firing an orange beam of destruction at the Blastoise.

    BOOM!

    Boom is kinda... unecessary sometimes...

    The beam hit and the fake Blastoise instantly disappeared, leaving the real one wide open for another attack. But none came. Instead it seems Snorlax was resting after the powerful attack, a sitting duck.

    Blastoise rushed towards Snorlax its fist glowing with a red aura. The fist made contact and the Snorlax was thrown clean over the stands landing out of the stadium.

    So if it could destroy Saffron City, why didn't it destroy the stadium? Plot hole...

    ?I win!? Brian happily shouted running over to his Blastoise hugging it.

    ?There you have it ladies and gentlemen, Brian of Pallet Town has won!? the commentator excitedly shouted through the microphone.

    Oh geez... another dude from Pallet town... *sigh*

    Thousands of cheers arose from the stands, all shouting one name:

    ?Brian! Brian! Brian!?

    Suddenly it hit Brian he had won! He had become the Kato league Champion! He had defeated the Norman the current champion.

    How could it hit him when he realized it when he went "Yay! We won Blastoise!" and he hugged him...

    ?Brian dear wake up?, a feminine voice said, ?You have lots of chores to do!?

    ?Huh?? confusedly Brian said, he peered around his surroundings, a small table made of oak wood with a laptop on top was in front of him, a door leading to his bathroom was to is right and a small cupboard to his left. The wallpaper around his room was laden with different pok?mon pictures and a small rug below his bed. He wasn?t in a stadium? he was in his room!

    You guessed it! Unecessary descriptions. Now, let me tell you this: Unless something has something important to do with the plot, describe it well. Otherwise, don't describe every nook and cranny.

    "Err, Brian?? said the voice again, its source being a woman's head peeking out of a door, which was next to the table made of oak.

    ?What a dream? sighed Brian, before going of to change his clothes.

    Yeah... cliched beginning... sorta...

    Final comments: Don't describe too much. Only describe things that are necessary to the plot. Give descriptions properly since yours were awkwardly done and were sometimes out of place. Work on your transitions and it'll be decent.
     
    Word of Advice: When we don't need description, you gave us too much. When we do need some, you gave us nothing or too little.
    Err... oops? =P

    We don't need the description on Blastoise especially when we already know what it looks like. Of course everyone does. Anyone who doesn't has to get shot. But the fact that you described a battle move so awkwardly and it's so anime-styled-cliched, (and I'm biased against anything near anime-style) I don't suggest that you overdescribe something. You could describe it solidly, and then just explain it with a solid description, the end.
    This is getting confusing :S Why? Here the critisizers say that I don't need to discribe Blastoise, everybody knows how it looks like but on another forum in a fic' they say I have to discribe the pok?mon :S I'll take your advice more then... I'll edit the first prologue and take out all the unneccasary stuff...


    We already know that it's protect. No need to name it. The way you described protect is kind of awkward for me. But maybe this paragraph should be combined with the last one and probable make some sort of transition so that the battle wouldn't be so non-chronological like the way you portrayed it.
    Ok... guess I screwed up there to =P I always thought of protect as Defensive energy so I just put it there.

    yeah, like I mentioned before: people will get confused since they will think that Blastoise attacked but you reverted it back to smeargle before blastoise attacks, and now you're back to blastoise attacking but now, he started executing his move.
    I was thinking of anim? style battling where while Pok?mon A prepares the move so does Pok?mon B. I'll edit that to.

    Your syntax seems awkward.
    I was running out of I deas to not make it awkward -__- Guess I ended up making it awkward anyways... I'll try to make it into soemthing like "The orange beam of energy thundered at the enemy" or something better...

    Giving a solid (note on the emphasis) description of the trainer might avoid you from saying "owning Blastoise" because that's awkward.
    Are you suggesting I instead discribe Brian when the Prolgue starts? Then I wouldn't need that owning Blastoise part right?

    Your adjectives aren't properly placed. Were you trying to say:

    "Let's see if you can beat this guy," the man hissed while ignorantly smirking. He threw the Pokeball...

    ... ARGH! NO! Don't describe the Pokeball! It's unecessary!!!
    Yeah I was trying to say that =P

    I got overboard with discribing the wrong things again -__-

    Horrible transition. So Blastoise has the strength of a Caterpie? Or Blastoise is a Caterpie?
    I was trying to make it a figure of speech. Blastoise looked like a Caterpie compared to Snorlax. I guess I shouldn't have put that in either... because he OHKO's Snorlax -__-

    Anime style battling. No-no. Unecessary and awkwardly described. Again. (I'm sorry if I sound tedious)
    I like anim? style. IMO makes it looks more realistic =P

    Bad time to describe the trainers now. You could've done it near the beginning or at least the end... more unecessary description.
    x_x

    "Literally" is only used to emphasize something that is in a form of figure of speech done in accordance and actuality. i.e.: I'm losing my head, literally, because I'm going to get beheaded at the French square tomorrow.
    SAcrewed up again -__- I'll gix that to.

    overgrown is one word... and... um... what's up with the Ignorant?
    Hey I always hated Norman. In this case he's playing Gary's role. Maybe I should take the champion part out...

    Awkwardly described... and you don't need to describe its power by saying that it could "destroy Saffron" which is "the main city in the Kanto region" ...
    It would be more powerful in real life right?

    Boom is kinda... unecessary sometimes...
    XP

    So if it could destroy Saffron City, why didn't it destroy the stadium? Plot hole...
    Good point but it was aimed at Blastoise XP

    Oh geez... another dude from Pallet town... *sigh*
    I did tell you it was severeyl clich? =P

    How could it hit him when he realized it when he went "Yay! We won Blastoise!" and he hugged him...
    I would have thought that wasn't excited enough X_X

    You guessed it! Unecessary descriptions. Now, let me tell you this: Unless something has something important to do with the plot, describe it well. Otherwise, don't describe every nook and cranny.
    Gotcha'

    Yeah... cliched beginning... sorta...
    =P

    Final comments: Don't describe too much. Only describe things that are necessary to the plot. Give descriptions properly since yours were awkwardly done and were sometimes out of place. Work on your transitions and it'll be decent.
    Ok got your point. I'll work on it...

    ~DL~
     
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