Lily's poems ^.~

[Lily]

Read. ^______^ based on my one shot. I was too tempted to make this.


Forgiving Tears

Was it a dream?
When you said to forgive?
When you said that there was
more than one way to live?

I traveled so far now
I percieved my destination
Seeking things around me
Seeking my creation

I doubted forgiveness
I doubted your words
But I remained as stubborn
And unearthed the unheard

Even if I was captured
By distractions in my way
I struggled to remain conscious
Letting the problems fade away

There was one good thing about you
You taught me a skill
You wanted it for battling
I used it for my free will

Becoming one with water
I marveled at the thought
Day by day I practiced
And day by day I fought

I was given away many times
Until I was finally set free
I set out for home
The one quite lost to me

Was I even here?
A faded wisp of the past
Stepping onto water
Until I thought I'd last

The liquid embraced me
Wrapping me tight
I opened my eyes once
And saw the last of the light

Forgiveness, you said
Despite my struggling tears
I struggled to accept
I struggled for you to hear

I was nothing but the water
Fading away more
Until I was finally melted in
Just like how I did before

 

[darkblastoise89]

i like it, but what's it about? i just got different signals from different verses. could you tell me? either way,8/10

 

[Finglonger]

eh I have the same complaint as DB it started out about one thing and ended with something totally different. That can work, but there has to be a connection, I didn't see one. There was also a few disruptive parts that ruined my flow as I was reading it. I like to be able to read through a poem with an occasional pause to contemplate its beauty. When I read yours I had to double back and see how one thing led to another. My best advice would be to take this as a foundation and build something else on it. A lot of my poems started out as one thing and developed into another.

 

[darkblastoise89]

^said what i was afraid to, it is well-written,but it digresses from the point... but it is still good though...

 

[Finglonger]

^said what i was afraid to, it is well-written,but it digresses from the point... but it is still good though...

yeah it has the potential to be something good, but what you choose to do with that potential determines the outcome.

If you want you can repost edits and have some of use comment on your progress, if you think that would help. Or what I like to do is let it sit for a week or two and then look at it, so its not fresh in my mind. It enables me to look at it objectively, it's difficult for an author to guage their own work. Take me for example, everything I write I think is terrible, but other people have told me its good. even after people tell me this I still don't think its good enough, I have a bias towards my own work which Im sure everyone does to some extent.

 

[Pikawolf]

Well, Lily, I think it's beautiful. I think it is already great. I mean, everyone has their own style of poerty writing. I have the potential for fantasy poems. And you have a style all your own. Afterall, I can tell it came from the heart, and you have put a lot of work into it. I see no mistakes. 10/10
^_~

~Kelsey

 

[Lily]

Mmm allow me to explain.

This poem, as I said, is based on my fic, which is about a Vaporeon. I suppose you cannot really suppress the fact I did in fact start out the wrong way...? Poems are harder than I thought, but mostly, that's it. Ah, I better make sure to not do that again. Thank you all for the nice advices and the compliments by Pikawolf. I greatly appreciate it. ^_^

 

[darkblastoise89]

lily it really is good just i got confused, please don't be offended... *throws u a rose saying sorry*

 

[Lily]

Why would I be offended? I have no reason to be, your advices were all rather wonderful to say, as I had full use of them very much. I like hearing what I did wrong, so I won't do it again. ^_^

Oh and um,

*tosses lilies back*

 

[darkblastoise89]

*catches and puts in shirt pocket, winks and walks off...* are u sure u are 12? you were more mature than i was at your age...

 

[Lily]

A lot of people are beginning to doubt my age these days. o.o; Yes, I am 12 and will stay that way unless November decides to take a trip in front of October. But rest assured, I am an annoying hyper kid discovering the bleak world as it is. Now I bid you a good day, and thank you once again for reviewing my poem.

^_~

 

[Flygon trainer]

Wow! that is a great peice of work! in fact, it is so great, that I would like to ask for your permission to put it in my school magazine. May I? please?

 

[Lily]

I..er...um...

*dazes*

School magazine? My poem isn't that all good though. >_>; But if you want to I guess, just don't give credit to yourself...not that you will but..um..

^___^;

*runs away*

 

[Finglonger]

Wow! that is a great peice of work! in fact, it is so great, that I would like to ask for your permission to put it in my school magazine. May I? please?

wow well thats truly praise right there.

and yeah you do seem older than you actually are, perplexing..isn't it?

 

[Flygon trainer]

thank you very much. I'll see to it that the poem gets in there, with proper credit.

 

[Lily]

You're welcome I guess! ^_^

Finglonger; not very perplexing as it was before. Ah, well...

Misconceptions

When I heard the call
I was still flying high
When I took a step
I began to wonder why

There were things I pondered on
Answers that I could not find
The concept I have miserably failed
The sight to a subconcious mind

Thinking beyond your admiration
Trying so hard to please the others
Wondering why you even think
When you realized no one else really bothered

The difference between a blade of grass?
The perpective of the one you loved
Questions that were too far to reach
Answers flying high above

Curiosity arousing in your head
Realization flooding in your heart
When you failed to recognize
The one you didn't like to part

Perplexing things dazed in and out
I struggled to understand why it was so
My mind took a rest from the questions
Then I had to let it go

Working differently, a unique route
how one thing can change so fast
But here I sit, as I think again
Wondering when this will finally last

 

[Aquacorde]

Keep up the good work, LilyPichu!
Sometimes people doubt my age too, but never on these forums. I act like a kid around here.