Mike's Pokèmon Journey - Hoenn Chapters

[Ninja Caterpie]

Well, this is my first fanfiction!
:)
Anyhow, it's rated PG-13 for a little bit of violence, a teensy bit of coarse language , a few very small references and innuendos and...yeah.
Also, reply to the thread, whether you have a review or not!

Part 1- Hoenn
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

Chapter 1
​

Mike Forsyth woke from his sleep drearily. The thirteen-year-old looked around and yawned. He slowly got up, scratching his short brown hair. He had a shower and changed from his pyjamas. As he changed, he saw his sleepy blue eyes in the mirror and slapped himself awake.

As he climbed down the stairs, he noticed a familiar smell. One that could only come from something special; pancakes. Mike bolted down the rest of the stairs. Pancakes were piled up on plates on the kitchen bench.

Mike sat down at the table and looked at his plate. It had his favourite pancakes; honey and banana nut. Mike looked at the plate and picked up his fork. He stabbed it into the pancake and lifted the portion into his mouth. A deliciously sweet flavour filled his mouth, crunchy bits of nut swam around and the soft pancake melted into his mouth.

"Like it?" came his mother's voice. She was bringing in clothes from the washing line.
"Mmmmm," Mike said simply.

With his love for pancakes and food-eating skill, Mike finished a few pancakes before realising he was full. He sighed longingly at the pancakes before getting off the chair to wash his hands.

Mike yawned and turned on the TV. There was a news bulletin on Pokèmon. Finley Treble was reporting something on Professor Birch.
"…giving away Pokèmon to new trainers," he said, "In other news, some mischievous Aipom have climbed up the mast of a ship delivering them to the Hoenn Safari Zone."

"Uh oh," Mike jumped up from the couch. Pokèmon giving day! Today!
He ran upstairs and changed into the trainer clothes he had specially bought from Lilycove Department Store; black shirt, blue jeans, red vest and a red hat with a Pokèball on it. He ran to the door to put on his new joggers.

"I got to go," Mike shouted as he put on his shoes, "See ya mum!"

Mike ran off through the quiet town of Littleroot. His mother watched from the door of their house, a tear in the corner of her eyes.

Mike huffed as he ran to Birch's lab. Professor Birch was a family friend. Mike's father and he had grown up together. He bumped into a kid with brown hair and a blue shirt. It was his friend and rival; Elliot Birch.

"Race you there!" Elliot shouted and shot off. Mike sighed and followed suit.

When they reached the Birch Research Lab, the small crowd of children had thinned out and there were only a few people left. Mike and Elliot walked into the lab. Professor Birch was reasoning with a little girl who wanted a Torchic.

"But I want it NOW!" she screamed, "Daddy said I could get whatever I wanted!"
"Sorry, lass, but you're underage!"
"Waaaaahhh!" she cried, "I'm going home then!"
The little girl stormed out the door slamming it behind her.

Professor Birch scratched his head and noticed the two boys waiting.
"Ah! Elliot, Mike, how are you?" he said cheerily.
"Good!" the two chorused.
"We're here for our Pokèmon," Mike said excitedly.
"Ah yes," the Professor said, "Which Pokèmon do you want?"
Elliot immediately ran to grab a Mudkip from the table.

Mike, however, thought about it for a while. He had thought over it for the last week but hadn't come to a conclusion.

Should he get Treecko, the grass Pokèmon? A small gecko Pokèmon, it is very agile. Grass type moves are powerful against Mudkips. Grass types are also quite rare.
Or should he get Mudkip, the water Pokèmon? A little mudfish, it is strong for its stature. The Ground type moves that it gains as a Swampert are greatly useful.
Maybe Torchic, the fire type, was for him. A tiny chicken, it is very efficient with it's fire moves. As a Blaziken, it also gains the power of Fighting moves such as Sky Uppercut.

Mike thought a little longer before coming to a decision.
"I will choose…" he said slowly, "Treecko!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that's it. Rate and comment. As long as it's CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

No flaming please. Otherwise you'll be wasting your life.


Signing out,
ShadLakitu

 

[Post Office Buddy]

As you requested, here is the review. Since it was requested by you through PM, I will critique it more closely than normal. My review key is as follows:
Misspelled word
Unnecessary word
(Suggestion/added word)
Capitalization error

Now, to begin the review...

(Your first paragraph is a little short and lacks detail. You jump around more than you should, and you don't describe his surroundings well. Look it over and make adjustments. When you are done doing so, you should have two or three paragraphs instead of just one.)

He (took) a shower and changed from his pyjamas.

Took is a more commonly used word than had. Using had also messes with the tense of the sentence and the implications it provides.

As he climbed down the stairs, he noticed a familiar smell(,) one that could only come from something special; pancakes.

You probably should have used a comma instead of a period there. It is the same idea, so no separation barring a comma is really needed. The second paragraph also needs some more length. Maybe you could describe the effect the smell had on his empty stomach or something.

Mike bolted down the rest of the stairs. Pancakes were piled up on plates on the kitchen bench.

You really skipped ahead here. You could have written something like When he reached the bottom step, he saw a plate piled high with pancakes at his place at the table. That would have been a much better transition than what you had before.

Mike looked at the plate and picked up his fork.

You already said he was looking at his plate. You only repeated yourself here, adding the simple fact that he picked up his fork. Revise it so you don't say the same thing twice.

A deliciously sweet flavor filled his mouth (as) crunchy bits of nut(s) swam around and the soft pancake melted into his mouth.

Flavor was spelled wrong. should have connected the two sentences with as instead of with a comma. Nuts should be plural.

"Like it?" came his mother's voice. She was (walking into the dining room,) bringing in clothes from the washing line.

Allows the reader to know exactly what his mother is doing.

"Mmmmm," Mike said simply.

You could be a little more descriptive here. Describe his facial features, the way he held his body as he ate the pancakes. Whenever I eat something delicious, I have a dreamy expression on my face. Make me believe that Mike is eating something extremely delicious.

He sighed longingly at the pancakes before getting (out of) the chair to wash his hands.

Out of is more commonly used, although off is technically correct. What makes out of more appropriate is the fact that most people sit at a table, and they have to get their legs out from under the table.

Mike yawned and turned on the TV

Needs better transition from previous paragraph. You could probably write something like After washing his hands, Mike yawned and turned on the TV.

"I've gotta go," Mike shouted as he put on his shoes(.) "See ya mum!"

No need to try using proper English in dialog. It makes the character seem unrealistic if they use no slang terms. Also, there should be a period after shoes. Some English rule I don't care to check the name of.

Mike's father and he had grown up together. He bumped into a kid with brown hair and a blue shirt. It was his friend and rival; Elliot Birch.

Sort of went off topic here. You should separate into different paragraphs and add some more detail, like something from his father's and Birch's past.

[quote]"Race you there!" Elliot shouted and shot off. Mike sighed and followed suit.
[/quote]
I don't see how Elliot knew where Mike was going. For all he knew, Mike was just going on a jog or something. You should have had a small conversation here providing background on Elliot other than the fact that he is Mike's rival.

The little girl stormed out (through) the door(,) slamming it behind her.

Needed that through and comma.

And there we go. I have one other complaint, and that is the lack of double spacing in conversations. There should be double spacing between each new paragraph, regardless of whether there is a conversation or not. It makes it much easier to read this way.

I liked the story, though, and will review later installments you post. Just let me know when you do so, and I will do another review.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Ah... close criticisation...I guess that's what I should expect when I request it...:)
I see where you're getting at...but flavour is the Australian spelling of flavor...
And nut(s) reads well without the s... I don't think there's a grammar problem though is there?

About the leaving thing, I oringinal put
I...got..to...go... because he was huffing but I shortened it...
I guess gotta makes more sense that got to...

Thanks for the supercharged review :)

 

[lucysaur]

Generally i liked the story! i want to here more about mike's adventures, is there more?

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Waahhh!!!
I'm still writing it, don't worry :D
It DOES say Hoenn, so I MAY add other regions if people like it. :)
Hmmm Did I put the wrong accent on the e for Pokemon?
I'll change it.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Ok! Chapter 2 is Ready!!!

Chapter 2

"Well, well, well. Just like your father you are!" Professor Birch said, cheerily.

Mike looked at him. He never knew his father had picked Treecko as well. Birch picked up Treecko's Pokéball and handed it to Mike.

"Guys, I'll advise you to stay at home for today and get used to having your Pokémon around," said Professor Birch. "Tomorrow, I'll give you Pokédexes and Pokéballs and you can go off on your journeys!"

"Why us?" Elliot asked with surprise.

"Because you guys are the oldest of the bunch," the Professor replied. "You're more responsible." "Well, Mike is, at least. Not too sure about you though, Elliot," he added.

Mike laughed and walked out of the lab into the humble town of Littleroot. From the lab, which was positioned on a hill, you could see the whole of LittlerootTown and most of Route 101. The trees almost seemed to dance on this bright, sunny, spring morning. The gentle breeze lapped playfully against the houses, blowing leaves all over the place.

Mike slowly walked through the town, looking at the places so familiar to him. His favourite tree and the tree house he built on its branches. Tomorrow, he was leaving and wouldn't see them for a while. Mike sighed and walked out to Route 101 to train his Pokémon.

Elliot was already in the grass, battling a wild Zigzagoon.

"Tackle!" Elliot shouted. His Mudkip charged at the Zigzagoon and knocked it over, making it faint.

Elliot noticed Mike watching him and grinned.

"Hey, Mike, wanna battle?" he asked confidently. Treecko had yet to learn a Grass-type move and didn't have the advantage.

"Sure!" Mike replied, with almost as much confidence. "Go! Treecko!"

"Treeeecko!" it called as it jumped out of its Pokéball. It leaped into a battle stance, waiting eagerly for its opponent.

"Mudkip, go! Tackle!" Elliot called quickly.

Mudkip charged at Treecko, gaining speed as it ran.

"Treecko, counter it with Pound!"

Treecko's tail started to glow. As Mudkip neared Treecko, Treecko jumped up. It came to the ground and smashed its tail into Mudkip's face. Mudkip was sent flying into a tree. It fell to the ground but got up again.

"Come on, Mudkip! Tackle again!"

"Charge at him and slam him with Pound, Treecko!"

The two Pokémon crashed into each other, creating a cloud of dust. When it cleared away, Treecko was sitting dazed on the ground. Mudkip had fainted and was lying spread-eagle in the grass.

"Wow!" Elliot exclaimed. "Great battle! Mudkip come back."

"You too, Treecko." Mike rubbed his Pokéball admiringly.

"Let's go back to dad's lab," Elliot suggested. He has a Pokémon restoration machine there."

Mike agreed and the two walked back to the lab, laughing and talking all the way. Meanwhile, a strange person watched from the trees.

"He may be the one," he said into a walkie-talkie.

Mike and Elliot reached the lab and opened the door. A surprised Birch was standing there.

"It isn't tomorrow yet, guys!" he stated.

"Um, Professor, we're here to heal our Pokémon," Mike said slowly.

"What?" he exclaimed. "That fast? Well, Ok then…"

The Professor took their Pokéballs and put them into a strange machine. He pressed a button and it hummed before starting to glow.

"Well, off you go, it takes a little time to heal them," Professor Birch said. "Come back in half an hour or so."

Under his breath, Birch whispered something about over-battling but Mike and Elliot took no notice. The two went outside to hang around in the tree house.

"I guess we're leaving this lovely place, eh Elliot?" Mike sighed.

"Yeah…"

The two were silent for a while.

"You think it's time to get out Pokémon now?" Mike asked quietly.

Elliot didn't reply.

"Elliot?" Mike asked again. "Elliot??" He shook him.

Elliot snored loudly. Mike sighed and climbed down to get both their Pokémon. When he returned, Elliot was still asleep. Mike grinned devilishly as a thought came to him. He let Mudkip out.

"Hey Mudkip, think you can use Water Gun?"

Mudkip shot a small spray of water at Mike's face.

"Not at me! At Elliot!" Mike whispered frantically.

Elliot was starting to wake.

"Mud…kiiiiiiiiiip!"

A spray of water smashed into Elliot's face and he coughed awake.

"AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" he screamed.

Mike laughed and laughed. He laughed as he climbed down the ladder. He laughed as he ran through LittlerootTown, Elliot hot on his trail.

He ran into the lab and hid behind Professor Birch who got a faceful of water from Mudkip. He muttered something about irresponsible children but went back to work.

After a few more minutes of chasing around LittlerootTown, Elliot finally nailed Mike.

The two split up after walking around a bit more. Mike went back home to play with Treecko and Elliot went home to play with Mudkip.

Mike's mother immediately took interest in Treecko.

"Oh! What a cute Treecko!" she exclaimed. "I remember your father with his very own…"

"What happened then?" Mike asked excitedly. His mother's stories were the best.

"Well, we were young back then…"




---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's it for Chapter 2.
It's sorta long but only because it was too sort and then I got carried away...
Oh wells, read and review please.

​

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Trainer Card-Mike

Trainer card
Warning! Shows Mike's future Pokemon. MAJOR SPOILER!!!
DO NOT CLICK OR THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE.

Spoiler:

KABOOM! THE WORLD EXPLODED YOU TUBHEAD
Team changed BTW...

 

[Post Office Buddy]

As I promised, here is the review of chapter two of your fiction. You know my review key by now, so no need to go over it.

{QUOTE]
"Well, well, well. Just like your father you are!" Professor Birch said, cheerily.
[/quote]
No need for that comma. So Professor Birch speaks like Yoda, huh?

"Guys, I'll advise you to stay at home for today and get used to having your Pokémon around," said Professor Birch. "Tomorrow, I'll give you Pokédexes and Pokéballs and you can go off on your journeys!"

Something strikes me as wrong with the way you used guys in that sentence. I think you should use a different word there, since a distinguished professor wouldn't say something as casual as that.

"Because you guys are the oldest of the bunch," the Professor replied. "You're more responsible. Well, Mike is, at least. Not too sure about you though, Elliot," he added.

Again, guys feels out of place. When two sentences said by the same person are used subsequently, then you should combine the dialog to go under one set of quotation marks instead of each sentence having their own.

Mike laughed and walked out of the lab into the humble town of Littleroot. From the lab, which was positioned on a hill, you could see the whole of LittlerootTown and most of Route 101. The trees almost seemed to dance on this bright, sunny, spring morning. The gentle breeze lapped playfully against the houses, blowing leaves all over the place.

What, no small talk? Seriously, you should have carried on a conversation here. Plus, the transition wasn't that great, so you should have made the exit of Mike from the lab more gradual.

Mike slowly walked through the town, looking at the places so familiar to him. His favourite tree and the tree house he built on its branches. Tomorrow, he was leaving and wouldn't see them for a while. Mike sighed and walked out to Route 101 to train his Pokémon.

The sentence started out okay, but you refused to describe more things that he would miss. Instead, you jump to the already established fact that he is leaving, and go on from there. Take your time on detail, and develop your ideas more than you are now.

Elliot was already in the grass, battling a wild Zigzagoon.

Again, you need a better transition. More detail would be nice too, like how the Pokemon looked while they were battling. Were they both hurt, or was one dominating the other? Small things like this add flavor to your story.

Treecko had yet to learn a Grass-type move and didn't have the advantage.

Kind of pointless to add this sentence in if your not going to develop it further. Make Mike weigh his options, calculating the odds his Treecko has of winning.

It fell to the ground but got up again.

Give us an idea of the toll that attack had on Mudkip. Was it hurt badly, or just a little?

"Let's go back to dad's lab," Elliot suggested. (")He has a Pokémon restoration machine there."

Missed the quotation mark. Also, I don't know very many long time rivals that would be happy about losing a Pokemon battle. When I destroyed a rival of mine over a link battle, he nearly broke his game boy in anger. Make him at least a little disappointed.

Meanwhile, a strange person watched from the trees.

Give at least some description other than strange person.

"Well, off you go, it takes a little time to heal them,"

I'm glad that this is at least somewhat realistic. I hate how people have the Pokemon automatically healed when they enter the rejuvenater shortly after fainting. Your method makes the healing process seem more real.

"You think it's time to get our Pokémon now?" Mike asked quietly.

Misspelled our.

Mike sighed and climbed down to get both of their Pokémon.

The preposition helps it flow better.

Mudkip shot a small spray of water at Mike's face.

You should have had Mudkip answer before doing this. Something as simple as a nod would have sufficed.

So yeah, good chapter again. Everything I have mentioned above is all you really need to work on. Just read it through and make corrections accordingly. It seems that you need to work on transitions a lot this chapter, but don't worry; many writers have trouble using transitions effectively.

Anyway, PM me when chapter three is up, and I will review that once I get my other reviews out of the way.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Thanks thanks... Well I guess I'm not good at transitions eh?
Why does Birch sound like Yoda? Never seen Star Wars... :)
And what... why wouldn't Birch he say "guys"? I mean... he keeps us waiting in the start of Emerald...
He seems...casual-ish...
The strange guy is... a mysterious person to keep you in suspense!
Practice makes prefect, Ch 3 should be up on Saturday afternoon my time...
Can't use comp much on weekdays..

 

[DarthWaffles]

Allo Allo Ima here to review. What surprises me with this fanfic is the fact you made a whole chapter out of two kids hanging around. But then again...its wasnt really that UBEROMGUBERPRO1337-ness...its quite good. The guy that posted before me pretty much said all.

 

[lucysaur]

I liked that you wrote a whole chapter with just the kids hanging around, it made it seem realistic. Life isn't all action after all! Plus it helped set the team dynamc.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

What... I'll have lots of hanging around... It is life, after all...
But me shall try to get chappy up :)
What team?

 

[The Confuzzler]

I laughed when mudkip shot the water gun at Mike lol! :)

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

I laughed when mudkip shot the water gun at Mike lol! :)

Yay!
I'm trying to make it funny... Originally I had Mike dream about Pancakes eating him when he sat down at the table but... Mehs...

What cruel twist of fate is this??? Being eaten by pancakes!

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Ok! Chapter 3 is up!
Oh, Disclaimer...
Eagun, his Pokemon and all other things about him are completely made up and owned by Darth Waffles.

Chapter 3

​

"Oh! Look at the time! You better be getting to bed, Mike. You have a big day ahead of you!" Mike's mother said, looking at the clock.

Mike yawned and nodded. He brushed his teeth and put on his pajamas. He climbed slowly upstairs and jumped into his bed. He fell asleep pretty quickly because he was tired from the days events. Treecko fell asleep at the foot of the bed.

Mike had a very strange dream indeed. He dreamed that he was a Treecko and was being chased by a massive Pokéball. He ran and ran through Littleroot Town, the Pokéball rapidly chasing him. The Pokéball opened and closed like a Chain Chomp. It suddenly shot a beam of red light at Mike and everything went black.

By the time Mike woke up, he had no recollection whatsoever of the dream. All he could think about was starting his journey.

"Come on, Treecko! Breakfast time!" Mike called excitedly as he changed after brushing his teeth. Treecko rolled over and whined.

Mike picked Treecko up and took him downstairs, the little lizard riding on his shoulder. His sensitive nose picked up the scent of Pokémon food and it leapt off Mike's shoulder, bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen.

It tucked into a bowl of Pokémon food on the floor. Mike's breakfast, avocadoes and honey on toast, was ready and waiting at the table.

Mike took a bite of the toast. The soft avocado melted in his mouth and the honey melted with it. He ate the rest of his toast in under a minute. Treecko slowly munched on his Pokémon food.

Mike got out of his seat and washed his hands quickly. He dried them and turned on the TV. He flicked through the channels until he came to PTV. "The Quintessential Pokémon Trainer" was on.

"And today's Guest Trainer is..." the announcer said in a suspenseful tone. "Eagun!"

Eagun was the former Champion of Hoenn. He had lost his title 2 years ago but mysteriously disappeared afterwards. He came back last month. The 17-year-old walked slowly into the studio.

"So, Eagun, how does it feel to be back in Hoenn?" the reporter asked.

"Well, it's good. It feels the same, old Hoenn but there are lots of new things around too."

"Yes... Well, onto the next question. I bet lots of your fans at home are wondering about this one. What have you been doing while you were away?" the reporter asked slowly.

"Well, I was-"

-Click-

Mike's mother, having brought the washing in, had changed the channel to a PokéSoap channel.

"Aww, mum!" Mike whined. "It was getting to the exciting bit!"

"Well, my soap operas have exciting bits too," his mother replied. "Anyway, trainers need to get up nice and early. Now, shoo!"

His mother turned her attention to the soap; The PokéWizard. Mike sighed and called for Treecko. It looked up from its food for a little while but didn't stop eating.

"Ugh…" Mike muttered, shaking his head.

"Treeee…" Treecko yapped, as it was full. It pushed away the bowl and contentedly lay down on the table to sleep.

"Treecko! You can't take a nap at THIS time of day!" Mike said, agitatedly. Treecko looked at him with one eye as if to say, "You can't stop me." It stuck its tongue out.

"Garr…" Mike said dangerously. Treecko took one look at him and bounded onto his shoulder. Mike beamed and put on his shoes. He ran outside, slamming straight into Elliot.

"What are you doing?!" Elliot roared. Mike rubbed his head.

"Sorry!" Mike smiled.

"Doesn't matter. Let's go get our Pokédexes!" Elliot shouted. Elliot pounded off, Mike slowly trailing behind.

Mike ambled through Littleroot Town, looking at every flower and tree on the way. As he started the hill climb, a girl of about Mike's age with bright red hair crashed into him. Treecko fell off Mike's shoulder.

"Oh! I'm so sorry…I…" the girl stuttered. She was wearing a white shirt and a white skirt.

"It's ok. Don't worry about it," Mike said slowly. "Uhm… I'm Mike."

"Wow! Is that a Treecko? How cute!" the girl squealed. Treecko looked at her strangely and climbed onto Mike's shoulder again.

"My name's Cindy by the way. Cindy Moore. Anyways, I have an errand so I have to go. Bye!"

Mike stared after her as she ran down the hill. He thought hard. He had heard Moore somewhere before…He shook his head and ran up the hill to the lab.

"Hmm… Well you sure are late, Mike," Professor Birch said as Mike entered the lab. "Here's your Pokédex and Pokéballs."

He handed Mike a red box and a few red and white capsules.

"Well, can you two please go up to Route 103 and collect my bag? I lost it yesterday when I was attacked by a bunch of Marills," the Professor asked. "I sent a girl up there before but you can go help her."

"Ok!" Mike agreed. He and Elliot walked out of the lab.

They walked over to Route 101, chatting about their Pokémon and future Pokémon like excited young trainers would.

A mysterious man hidden in the woods watched their every move.

"Set the trap. See how he handles it," he said into his walkie-talkie.

__________________
Ok... The reply/edit thing is now mega screwed. I WILL fix it up later...

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Okay, here is that review I said I would do. One little thing before I start though: Why post half of chapter? You could easily get away with saying that this is chapter three and chapter four will be next. Plus, posting half finished chapters seems tacky and unrefined. But it's your decision, so I won't question it further than that.

Mike yawned and nodded. He brushed his teeth and put on his pajamas. He climbed slowly upstairs and jumped into his bed. He fell asleep pretty quickly because he was tired from the days events. Treecko fell asleep at the foot of the bed.

More description feels necessary. Elaborate more on his walk to his room and the way he crashed. Also, you spelled pajama wrong and put an unnecessary apostrophe in days.

He dreamed that he was a Treecko and was being chased by a massive Pokéball.

Using that allows the clause to function as the direct object of the independent clause. Also, chase should have been past tense.

The Pokéball opened and closed like a Chain Chomp.

Wrong tense of close.

"Come on, Treecko! Breakfast time!" Mike called excitedly as he changed after brushing his teeth.

This sentence here needs some revision. It's kind of hard to tell exactly what, but I think you should be able to figure it out after taking a look.

Mike picked Treecko up and took him downstairs, riding on his shoulder.

Lol, the way it is written now it is saying that Mike rode on Treecko's shoulder. You need to fix it so that it is modifying the correct noun.

His sensitive nose picked up the scent of Pokémon food and he leapt off Mike's shoulder, bounded down the stairs, and ran into the kitchen.

You need to stay consistent in pronoun usage. Also, the last half was a little unfinished.

He had [S-HIGHLIGHT]only[/S-HIGHLIGHT] lost his title 2 years ago but mysteriously disappeared afterwards. He came back last month. The 17-year-old walked slowly into the studio.

Only is not needed. The rest of the sentence was lacking in detail and a little rushed. There was almost no flow here at all.

It feels the same, old Hoenn, but there are lots of new things around too.

Since but is a coordinating conjunction, you need a comma before it.

the reporter said slowly.

I think asked would have been more appropriate.

having brought the washing in

If she had brought the washing in from outside, then it might be clearer to say inside.

had changed the channel to a PokéSoap channel.

MORE POKESOAPS!?! WHAT IS BECOMING OF THE WORLD!

"Well, my soap operas have exciting bits too," his mother replied.

THAT'S A LIE! SOAP OPERAS NEVER HAVE EXCITING BITS!!!!!!!! Lol, on to more serious things...

His mother turned her attention to the soap; The PokéWizard.

That semicolon should be a comma.

Mike said, agitated.

Agitatedly doesn't really sound good lol. It sounds a little too harsh.

He had heard Moore somewhere before…He shook his head and ran up the hill to the lab.

Should be a space between the ellipses and He.

And to finish off the review, the end was a little rushed.

Anyway, I liked it again. I'm curious as to how the man in the woods will play into the story. I still think some more description would be useful; after all, we do hear him talk. Is it not conceivable that we would know some of his features? But yeah, just tell me when you get the second half of this up and I'll review that soon after you tell me.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

ERK@!!
Sorry about slow chaps people...I...uh...well...
Dunno what happened...
Well... Kirby obssession happened...
But Chap 4 will be up in a little!

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Chapter 4

Long'un this one!

Chapter 4
​

Elliot whistled loudly as the pair left LittlerootTown. His off-tune whistling of "To be a Master" made Mike's ears ache.

"Elliot! You're going to scare off all the wild Pokémon with your whistling!" Mike groaned.

"I'm sorry!" Elliot said sarcastically. "I didn't know Pokémon were scared of whistling!"

They trudged on quietly. The route seemed strangely empty. The wind whistled over the grass and rustled in the leaves. Mike sighed, bored out of his mind. He pulled Treecko's Pokéball out of his pocket.

"Come on out, Treecko," Mike said, still bored.

"Treeecko!" Treecko leapt out of its Pokéball and danced about on the ground, joyful at being let out.

"Is there anything worth doing on this route?" Mike sighed.
Elliot didn't answer. He just kept staring at the horizon. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.
"I see OldaleTown!" he shouted. "Race you there!"

Elliot ran off, full of energy. Mike watched him go.

"You want to run, Treecko?" Mike asked.

"Tree…" Treecko said, shaking his head.

Was being a trainer really that boring? Mike sighed and trudged on.

"Hey, Treecko, want to train a little?"

"Koooo!"

Mike looked around for wild Pokémon to battle. He couldn't find any.

"Strange…" he thought to himself. "I wonder where they are all went…"

He took out his Pokédex and checked for wild Pokémon in the area. It's cool male voice greeted it.

"Hello, Master Mike," it said. "What would you like to do?"

Mike tapped the "Wild Pokémon" button on the red device.

"Searching for wild Pokémon…" it said, beeping. "Data found. Pokémon…Taillow, Zigzagoon, Wurmple and…"

The box went quiet. Mike looked at it.

"What else?" he asked.

A button appeared on the screen. "???" it said, a silhouette of a Pokémon for a picture. It was a strange round shape which looked like a Catsform. Mike tapped it. Strings of binary spilled across the screen. It powered down and the screen went black.

Mike looked at it. He shook it. Nothing happened. Mike pocketed it, shaking his head.

He called for Treecko but was met with silence. He looked around, suddenly scared.

"Tree tree tree?" Treecko asked a Zigzagoon strolling nearby.

"Zag!" replied the brown, zig-zag furred raccoon. "Zigzagoon!" It kept walking and, with a rustle, disappeared into some bushes.

"Treecko!" Mike shouted, relieved.

Treecko bounded to Mike, jumping up on his shoulder again. Mike started the long walk towards OldaleTown.

Elliot was waiting for him there.

"You Slowpoke!" he laughed as Mike finally arrived. "I've been waiting for almost 15 minutes! Oh, by the way, they're doing some promotional stunt at the Pokémart. They're giving free Potions away!"

Mike laughed. "Really? Let's go get one!"

They walked through the quiet town of Oldale, towards the Pokémart. It seemed to them that most of the people in Oldale town were at the Pokémart.

"Hi, Mister Clerk!" Elliot chirped. "Can we get one of those free Potions?"

"Sorry, kid, we're out of stock," the clerk replied. "Come back in a little while."

"Oh, ok then," Elliot said, disappointed.

Mike strolled over to another stand. It was filled with things to decorate houses and 'Secret Bases', whatever they were.

"What are these?" he asked, pointing to a pile of scrolls.

"Oh them? They're worthless! You can keep them! The other things cost a little bit, though," the clerk added, gesturing at the dolls and posters.

Elliot yawned loudly. "Come on Mike, there's nothing more to see. Let's go get my dad's bag for him!" He added, suddenly remembering.

Mike realised that he had forgotten. "Uh…Sure! Why not?"

They left OldaleTown by the north exit. They passed a sign that read 'We come to R ut 103. It had obvious signs of vandalism, scratches, cuts and missing chunks.

As they walked further north, they heard screaming noises. Instinctively, they ran towards it.

They entered a clearing and a scene befell their eyes. The girl Mike met earlier, Cindy, was being chased by a few Marill, who had apparently taken a liking to Birch's bag.

Mike immediately sprang into action. "Treecko, Pound!"

Treecko charged at the Marill, tail glowing. He spun around and slammed it into a Marill, sending it flying into another.

"Cko!" Treecko shouted triumphantly, before being hit in the back by a tackle from a Marill.

Treecko charged at the Marill at lightning speed. He slammed into it and sent it flying back into the water.

"Wow! Treecko, was that a Quick Attack?" Mike asked in awe.

"Tree!" Treecko replied smugly.

The other two Marill crawled up and scampered away. The girl walked over to Mike and Elliot. Her hair and clothes were soaked and dripping with water. She held Professor Birch's bag in one hand and a Pokéball in the other.

"Thanks!" she said happily.

"Wasn't a problem!" Elliot replied, ruffling his hair.

"Uh…I was talking to Mike," Cindy said slowly. "You didn't do anything!"

"Don't worry about it," Mike said, smiling. "Now let's go and give Professor Birch's bag back!"

"You're right," Elliot said. "Dad gets annoyed pretty quickly."

Across the stream, a person stood, watching the three children talking.

"Let's see how they take this," he sniggered quietly, "Go, Carvanha!"

The blue and red piranha popped out of its Pokéball, teeth gnashing wildly. It was across the stream and jumped out of the water, at the group.

The three yelled and stepped back to avoid the tenaciously crunching fangs.

Treecko jumped forward with a Quick Attack and slammed into it. It fell back, unfazed. Treecko, however, had been hurt by the Carvanha's rough skin. Treecko gingerly touched its tail and winced in pain as it felt the rough cuts the Carvanha had made.

Carvanha jumped and latched its jaws around the wood gecko's head. Treecko flailed about but it was no use. Nothing could wrench the piranha off its head.

Elliot had an idea. "Mudkip! Try and use Water Gun to push it off!"

Mudkip shot a stream of water at the Carvanha. It seemed to be pushed by the force but it clamped its teeth tighter and dragged Treecko with it!

Mike suddenly remembered something from PokéAcademy.

"Treecko! Use Absorb!" he commanded.

A green aura grew around Treecko and it quickly spread to Carvanha. Once it had surrounded Carvanha, it turned red and the piranha Pokémon looked as if it had had the energy drained from it. It fell from Treecko's head, having fainted.

"Wow!" Cindy said in admiration. "Your Treecko's really strong!"

Treecko grinned smugly and jumped onto Mike's shoulder.

Across the stream, the strange man cursed. He pulled a blue walkie talkie from his pocket and spoke into it.

"The kid's strong alright."

------------------------
Not telling who the guy is yet :P

 

[Blue Angel]

I have only so far read 1 and 2, and I'll say - You don't need to worry about length. It is short compared to what I am used to. Each author has their own "meter" on that though, so you probably have your own.

I like it so far. Humor does help with a story - I wrote the prologue of my story a few weeks ago, and it is sort of an all out "legendary war" against Mew's brain(meaning Mew is not too bright). Anyway, I fit in random humorous parts about them making fun of him. The people who read it loved that about it. I don't hate Mew, it just seems to fit :P

Anyway, I agree with jeffback, on the "stranger" part. You want more suspense? I understand, You don't want to describe him. I think you would better build suspense by using words to "not describe" him. Basically, spend a sentence or two saying where he is standing exactly, and how the forest is too dark to see the mysterious figure. Something like that. It was an awkward leap to the stranger in the forest. Transitions are tough for me too.

Here's an example: Meanwhile, a strange person watched from the trees. His face was shrouded by the looming shadows of the lofty trees surrounding him.

And maybe instead of "strange," try just "a man." That is mysterious enough, it is the reader's job to place him as "strange" and "mysterious."

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Wow, great idea!
Thanks for the review!