[Pokémon] My first fanfic, so be nice ;)

[Change]

Pokemon: Sinnoh legends, Johto Challenge.

Clark, a sixteen year old trainer, and recognized for his sheer hot temper in situations. A philisophical trainer, believing the only way to create a true bond with your pokemon is to feel the pain, feel the emotions they feel when battling, therefore trying to prove himself to other trainers through painful training. One of Clarks main pokemon is his Staraptor, who feels in tune with combat in all its forms. They both start there journey at Lake Valor, where they proceed to a nearby town, heading towards the port in Sunnyshore city, on there way to the Johto region.

Hayden is a small statured trainer, and one of Clarks followers. He speaks quickly and runs around with the movement of a small monkey, climbing trees throughout the routes the group travels. Earning him the title of "Tree speaker", using common phrases like "Wind fly" and "Quick run". His Monferno is commonly seen around the nearby tree tops, following Hayden nd the others with a watchful eye. He hopes to not only be a great trainer, but also a great pokemon breeder.

Katie is a quiet, shy girl who always surveys the battlefield with a careful watch, curious of the nature which surrounds her. Although she seems naive at times, she shares the same goals as the others. Katie pretends not to notice the others in the group and can also be obnoxious to their feelings, seeing Hayden as a little brother, and Clark as some kind of protector. Although she won't admit it, her Roserade and her seem to feel more and more torn apart, strung between the combat frought life she shares with Clark and Hayden, or the life she desires at home.


A large sigh was heard in the distance, the morning sun cried out with large, beaming rays of light. Shaded only by the trees which lent over the small beaten path which followed, winding through a thin layered forest. A small figure laid close to the tree stumps, pressing his back up against the damp wood. Clark sat close to him, with a curious look on his normally stern face. "We need to continue on, you know this, your Monferno knows this, so get up onto your feet and get moving." Clark pulled Hayden up with a slight tug. Hayden rushed to his feet, following step by step behind. Clark looked back every five or so steps, making sure Hayden wasn't slacking behind. They came to a large opening along the path. Hayden dashed ahead of the group and out into the brightly lit clearing. The miniture trainer sniffed the air with a large, deep breathe. Hayden ran down the small cliffside and onto the surrounding beach. His Monferno joined in suit, mimicking Haydens movements exactly. Clark came to the clearing, placing a firm grasp onto a nearby pokeball, pulling it from his belt, and pressing down on the center button. A Staraptor, a large, bird pokemon. Another trainer went down the beach, Katie stood at the foot of the mound. She placed her bag down next to her, sitting along the beach. Two other trainers were by the beach. Hayden started to play in the sand with Monferno, giggling lightly as he ran around the beach. He was tripped and fell to the floor in a crash. Hayden looked up with a slight tear in his eye, to see two other trainers and there pokemon. One of the others, pointed a small stubby finger to Hayden. "Listen up, this is our beach, and you have to take us both out in a double battle if you want to stay." Hayden looked to Monferno, and then to Clark, who silently nodded as he walked over to Hayden. He dusted off his shorts as he stood ready with his Monferno. Katie looked as she thought deeply as she watched on. Clark stood by Haydens side, with Staraptor as well. "So, you feel like picking on a defenseless trainer, huh?"
"Whaa... well, you see, he's a weakling, look at him, he's even crying."
"You think so low about my freind. Well, I don't think he needs my help in taking you two on." Clark looked to Hayden, smiling weakly.
Hayden has never seen this faith from Clark before, thinking he was above such things. Hayden grinned as he stood ready. Monferno by his side, raring to fight. The two trainers sent out their pokemon, a Magmar and an Electabuzz. Monferno started the attack with a mach punch. Breezing past the Magmar, and straight into the gut of Electabuzz. He then back flipped into the magmar, using flame wheel. Magmar avoided the attack then proceeded to launch a psychic. Monferno launched another mach punch, knocking the Magmar off balance, smashing him back into the Electabuzz. Monferno stood still, even when both pokemon attacked with brick breaks. The image of Monferno dissapeared in puff of smoke, as it was a substitute. Electabuzz and Magmar looked around to find Monferno. He stood still, charging towards them with a furious leap, punching them both towards their trainers with a devestating focus punch. Hayden jumped in the air, as the other two opponants, looking in shock and began to run off. Hayden looked back to Clark and Katie, who walked past, smiling along with Hayden as they proceeded towards Sunnyshore City.


Sorry if it's not that good. Comment and criticise by all means. Sorry their was no meaningful battles, but this was mostly to test to see if it could take off.

 

[Sgt Shock]

I don't think it is a bad start honestly. It just needs a bit more meat to it. That's all. Try to put space between each paragraphs. Not just the colored ones. I want to know more about them before we have a battle. I think it is a good start however. Just work at it and allow your thoughts to flow.

 

[Change]

Cheers, thanks for that. I'll make sure to add more stuff for next chapter.

 

[Feign]

What I find too about a good fic is that there isn't a character description at the beginning (this doesn't mean a fic should do without them, there is some that might need them, especially if a background is required). But I believe in your case you can do without one, and merely introduce the characters slowly. Right now because you haev introduced the characters as such, I'd be confused as to why they are the way they are. Would that mean you would be explaining their history later or making the reader assume that is how they will be now and forever, and you just continue with the story.

Take for example Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. When we first meet Harry (at age 10) it is a gradual introduction brought through the various things he does around the house, like that his cousin beats him up, and that his aunt and uncle despise him. From there we can tell he isn't loved, and because he is bullied by his cousin, that no one else hangs out with him. Of course this could mean he'd remain a loner, or perhaps try to reach out... So when the opportunity persists (with living a new life essentially) he has Ron, to which they met only because the rest of the train was full (which is another explanation there).

So basically you could take out the character descriptions and add a bit of flavour to the characters on the way they act, and even end up explaining the behaviour or leave the option to do so. Character development is extremely essential. :)

 

[Astinus]

The title of your thread marks you with some sort of target, since people think that those kinds of titles mean that you're a really new writer that isn't good enough to be read, or that they come to your thread to tear apart your writing, even if the first one isn't actually true.

The font colors of your actual story make it really difficult to read. It's not bad on the current skin I'm using, but people use a variety of different skins, on which some of your font choices wont show up well. Just don't use font color tags when you post.

Don't double-post spammy comments asking for reviews from specific members who click on your thread and don't review for whatever reason they have (they don't want to read your fic/thinks it breaks the rules/don't have the time).

Clark, a sixteen year old trainer, and recognized for his sheer hot temper in situations.

Sentence fragment.

A philisophical trainer, believing the only way to create a true bond with your pokemon is to feel the pain, feel the emotions they feel when battling, therefore trying to prove himself to other trainers through painful training.

"Philosophical" is the way it's spelled.

One of Clarks main pokemon is his Staraptor, who feels in tune with combat in all its forms.

Apostrophe-s for the possessive form of "Clark's"

They both start there journey at Lake Valor, where they proceed to a nearby town, heading towards the port in Sunnyshore city, on there way to the Johto region.

"Their" and "City" needs to be capitalized because it's part of the name.

Why do you capitalize the Pokemon species names when they're used as common nouns, but not capitalize "Pokemon" when it's used as a common noun? Capitalize or don't, but be consistent in your choice.

Instead of info-dumping about the characters in the beginning, work to place that information throughout the story. Like, show that Hayden can quickly dart through the trees, and have either Clark or Katie call him Tree Speaker.

All I can cover for now in the time that I have. But yeah, grammar needs to be double-checked over, the font colors could go, and more showing instead of telling could be included.

 

[Masquerainisthajam]

It's rather nice...This looks like the start of a pretty good journey. Just work on your spacing and possibly include some detail in your story.

I'm looking forward to reading more :)

 

[Change]

Ok, thanks for all your comments. I'm hoping to post a more bulkier, detailed chapter 2 by tonight

 

[Change]

Chapter 2: "I like my eggs Sunnyshore up"

It was a calm, cloudy day along the winding roads of Sinnoh, leading the group to Sunnyshore City. A large, bustleing port town where Clark, Hayden and Katie must board the last ship heading out to the Johto region. After arriving in the town plaza, watching the crowds of people gather as battles appeared over and over. Hayden ran over to the fountains forming the center of the plaza. Stumbling as he walked, Monferno nimbly dodged the other town folk as he followed Hayden. Monferno came to a sudden stop, placing his feet firmly on the floor as he pulled back up. Hayden looked across, curious as to why Monferno had suddenly froze. Monfernos pale complextion and terrified look caused him to sprint to a nearby lampost, reaching just above the building tops of the neighbouring markets. He scaled the metal post, arriving on top of the light, glooming down onto the plaza. Hayden now remembered he's a fire type, therefore doesn't like water. Monferno shook his head repeatedly, only returning from the top after Hayden had moved from the fountain.

Katie proceeded past them and into the markets, curious to get multiple seals to put on her pokéballs. "Roserade! I choose you!" she said as the pokéball she grasped with her right hand produced a large silloute of light, forming the shape of Roserade. Roserade ran up to Katies side. Katie sighed as they looked through the different seals on offer. Katie pointed to the ones with vibrant pink petals. "What do you think Roserade?" She asked, hoping Roserade would share her intrest in seals. Roserade shook her head and ran around the corner, followed closely by Katie. Roserade had in her hand, a large amount of black lightning seals. Roserade grinned as she held them up to Katie. Katie sighed with disbelief in that Roserade would pick such a contrasting option. Roserade jumped up into the air as Katie handed over the money.

Clark studied his surroundings, watching closely as trainers battled with a variety of pokémon. Staraptor raised itself on Clarks shoulders to provide shade for his trainer. Clark smiled as he opened two cans of lemonade, placing a thin straw in each one. Clark raised one up to Staraptor. As they both sat down sipping their drinks quietly, Hayden came rushing over to them. Monferno followed behind, scowling backwards towards the fountains. "Is there any chance we can get some battles in Clark? Please." Hayden pleaded, with Monferno copying his gestures. Clark nodded as they all rose to their feet. Itching for a battle, Clark found himself quickly emerged in a double battle along with Hayden.

Monfero and Staraptor squared off against an Umbreon and an equally aggresive Espeon, both unleashing a devestating wave of Dark pulses and Psychics. Staraptor quickly rose to the air, carrying Monferno on it's back. Monferno moved quickly, leaping onto the Umbreon, landing straight down with a mach punch. The Umbreon flinched as it jumped backwards, trying to pull off another dark pulse, only to be bested by Monfernos second mach punch. Espeon threw a wave of psychic energy towards Staraptor, who dodged with swift elegance as it glided down towards Espeon. Espeon turned quickly ready to fire another blast. Staraptor however swooped in and attacked with a Brave bird attack, colliding into Espeon. Monferno threw itself towards Espeon, covering itself in a wheel of fire as it crashed into Espeon. Monferno and Staraptor returned to the sides of there trainers.

Hayden cheered as he and Monferno spotted the ship coming into dock. Katie spotted the match, running alongside Haydens side to the port. Clark followed close behind, picking up the food bag and moving along. He thought tightly about the weight of the bag, curious with it's contents. Clark didn't let this bother him though. They all boarded, and were shown to there cabins. Clark kept everyones bags in one room, to prevent any theft. The group went to the café, sitting down with drinks as they watched all the other trainers and there pokémon study the magnificent view.

The bag which Clark had picked up started to shake, rustling from side to side. The zip opened as a small blue hand crept out, followed by a long nose. The pokémon sniffed the air, diving into the other bags with food on it's mind. It then walked out into the hallway. The small pokémon walked steadily down the hallway, placing one foot in front of the other, trying to keep its balance. It walked through into the café, curious to find more food. It brushed itself past Staraptor and into Katies satchel. Staraptor called to Clark, who gazed over to him. Clarks eyes followed Staraptors down into Katies bag. Noticing the black and blue body half dangling out. Clark tugged on it's tail, pulling a Riolu out from the bag. Clark craddeled the baby pokémon back to his room, followed by Staraptor. Clark searched through his bag to see bits of broken egg shell everywhere, as well as all the food eaten. Clark scowled at the Riolu, curious if it was the same one from his bag. Riolu jumped onto Staraptors back, hugging him tightly. Staraptor looked in shock as his dismal face conveyed his emotions. Clark chuckled as he led them both back into the caféteria. But now it seemed two pokémon are now in Clarks team, and it seems that more will come as the challenges they face on there way to Johto and during there time in that region. But what effect will the adventures have on our group. Riolu blew on Staraptors hair, much to his annoyance, and the others watched as the boat journey took its course.

Hope this ones a bit beefier. :P
Ohh and if you want, you can post a reply with any characters or story plots you want me to add. Characters welcome. :D
Also how do you change the main title, I relize my error of asking people to be nice, and I want a proper title :P