My Rifle

Sumomo & Kotoko

    • 1,947
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Seen Feb 14, 2012
    This is my rifle.
    There are many like it,
    but this one is mine.

    My rifle is my best friend.
    It is my life.
    I must master it,
    as I must master my life.

    My rifle,
    without me, is useless.
    Without my rifle, I am useless.
    I must fire my rifle true.
    I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me.
    I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

    My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire,
    the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make.
    We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

    My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life.
    Thus, I will learn it as a brother.
    I will learn its weaknesses,
    its strength,
    its parts,
    its accessories,
    its sights and its barrel.
    I will ever guard it against the ravages,
    of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs,
    my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage.
    I will keep my rifle clean and ready.
    We will become part of each other. We will...

    Before God, I swear this creed.
    My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country.
    We are the masters of our enemy.
    We are the saviors of my life.

    So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!     ​


    Please comment on what you think. :D
     
    Evil Reviews

    This is my rifle.
    There are many like it,
    but this one is mine.

    It is a tad redundant...

    My rifle is my best friend.
    It is my life.
    I must master it,
    as I must master my life.

    ER... NO I GOT NOTHING TO SAY

    My rifle,
    without me, is useless.
    Without my rifle, I am useless.
    I must fire my rifle true.
    I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me.
    I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

    'Fire my rifle true,' is somewhat cliched, and other wise, a bit uncommon to say...

    My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire,
    the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make.
    We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

    GOOD

    My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life.
    Thus, I will learn it as a brother.
    I will learn its weaknesses,
    its strength,
    its parts,
    its accessories,
    its sights and its barrel.
    I will ever guard it against the ravages,
    of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs,
    my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage.
    I will keep my rifle clean and ready.
    We will become part of each other. We will...

    'even as I' is an odd phrasing

    Before God, I swear this creed.
    My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country.
    We are the masters of our enemy.
    We are the saviors of my life.

    good. . .

    So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!


    'So,' 'and,' and 'but' are usless words in poetry
    Click to expand...

    Over all a good poem, with few cliches, and odd phrasing. I am not so sure if you are being sarcastic, and attacking the mindset of soilders, or if you are being supportave. If I were to write a poem like this it'd the former...

    8/10
     
    Thanx for the reply. And I'm being supportave, why would I make fun of our soilders? That whould just be wrong. Thanx again :D
     
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