~Phoenix~

[Cheshire Absol]

Hello.
I know I am not the greatest poem writer, for I have just began writing poems a few months ago,and I know I am not as wondrous as the others that have posted in this...poetry thingy...should I call it a thread? Or...I dunno....
Anywho...
I guess I'll...put this in here...

Phoenix

I am the phoenix.
I tread amongst the ashen waste of my fallen brethren.
Their eyes scintillate with the stars that mortals cannot see,
their mouths outstretched in a scream begging to have sound again,
their talons caught in death's everlasting embrace...
I am alone.
I have underwent metamorphosis
into a supposedly elegant creature with flawless qualities.
My spirit demands to take flight,
but my feet are grounded by the weight of the gnawing sorrow.
I feel the relentless sensation, the emptiness, the loneliness,
I shriek under the agonizing conflagration that engulfs me,
my tears simmer in the dimming light...
I feel the evanescence of the defiant flame...
Ashes, Ashes...
I open my eyes for the first time.
We all fall down...
Ashes, Ashes, we all fall...
I am the phoenix.



​

 

[bobandbill]

Hi there, Cheshire Absol, and welcome to the section! Which is what we call the whole part with separate poetry threads like this one you made, to clarify.

I enjoyed the poem; I often like the simple technique of starting and ending with the same line to round out the poem's story neatly. There was some nice language here too which captured the scene nicely, although I'll admit to being confused with this bit:

but my feet are grounded by the weight of the gnawing lachrymose.

My understanding of the last word (and google's too upon checking) is 'Tearful or given to weeping., Inducing tears; sad' rather than sadness or whatnot, so it does seem a bit off (correct if I'm wrong on that). Might be worth considering a different word at any rate there. I also feel the 'Am I pretty yet' line to be a bit odd and out of place with the theme of the poem just seems to read better without it.

Still, quite a nice poem, and a neat take on the phoenix too. I look forward to seeing more! (Also your signature is distracting, haha).

 

[Cheshire Absol]

I love my Bulbaderp. xD
Now that I check, you're right about the "lachrymose," I may replace it with sorrow or some other word to that effect. I'm glad that now I know it is more of a verb rather than an adjective...I do admit, that line does seem out of place...*sets words on fire with flamethrower.* Mwahahahaha!!
Thanks for your feedback, it makes me ten times better!!!
EDIT-Oh my Arceus that looks so much more amazing!!!

 

[Pikachukid]

Wow....I am speachless. Not really because if I left it at that it'd be considered spam

Now, I'm not sure if this is what you were aiming for but this is how I interpreted it. There is life (ok I know there are dead phoenixes [spelling?] around but this particular phoenix is alive) and it is graceful and majestic. However, Ashes, ashes, we all fall down it dies. Now as I recall from Harry Potter movies the Phoenix is reborn from the ashes of its previous life/parent (still a bit unclear on how that works really) but the baby is there. And the cycle of life continues, which is why you started and ended with I am the phoenix as it's life has started anew....Beautiful
:teary eyed smile: