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Pokémon Island

shinx^2

Arf!
  • 8
    Posts
    18
    Years
    Chapter 1: The Mad Scientist

    "Help!!" Jym shouted as he fell to his doom
    into the now-broken crater of the volcano. No-
    one dared to try to help because of the reason
    the crater was broken, which was an eruption.
    Ed, a sponsor of the class Hawai'i trip, tried
    to save him, but was burned instantly. The
    youngest of the group, Ash Ketchum, 4 years old,
    was placed in a capsule of tungsten steel, so as
    not to be burned. He floated across the firey magma
    quite peacefully. However, he died in that capsule
    several days later. He fiddled with the air condition
    and froze himself solid...

    September 9th, 2200, on the new Hawai'ian island...

    Mad scientist Prof. Robert was working with animals again
    in his lab, as usual. He was working with a miniature
    dinosaur that he genetically created a year ago and
    preserved in his freezer. He changed the genes on its
    back to potentially grow a plant bulb there.

    "Bingo," he said, rubbing his hands together...
    He waited for a couple of weeks, and sure enough, a plant
    bulb grew on its back.
    "I'll create a whole species, no, a whole GENUS... NO, a whole
    KINGDOM of these creatures!"
    However, it was getting late. He went to bed.

    The next day, though, he got to work right away. Man,
    you should have SEEN him!! He put together odds and
    ends, added and subtracted this and that to chemical
    concoctions, and spliced about 3,000,000,000 (three billion)
    deoxyribo nucleic acids! And all in an hour, too! By the
    end of the day, he had created 17 different phyla (the types)
    of 80 genuses (the evolution chains), of 148 different species!

    Then, in his absolute madness, he took a needle and stuck
    it in his arm, oozing in a bit of cat DNA spliced with
    all kinds of molecules from enchanted artifacts and exclaimed
    with rage, "This makes 149!!" He laughed maniacally and continued
    pressing the top of the needle. When all the DNA was extracted
    into his bloodstream, he took the needle out, put on a cotton swab,
    and went to bed.

    The next day was a Monday. Mr. Robert did not awaken until 10:00 AM.
    When he was finally awake, he found that his hair was pink,
    and his skin was glowing. He had also assumed a beautiful cat-like form.
    This annoyed Prof. Robert. He expected a pink, glowing cat-like form,
    but beautiful? Prof. Robert hated beuatiful things.
    He tried to make himself ugly with his supplies, but in this new form,
    he failed to pick things up. Thusly, he had to remain beautiful,
    which he despised. Unhappy, he sailed off into the clouds to be alone.
    He did not realize, however, that he had forgotten to lock up his lab...

    Note: Don't worry, I know I killed Ash, but he'll come back...
     
    Last edited:
    WOW... ummm where do I start?!

    Your sentence structure is your biggest problem. You add reasons to the end of sentences and you simply aren't making sense at times.

    You over-exaggerate in the extreme amount and it should be toned down. It makes you look immature and young and to a good reader/writer (like me), it comes off as not being well prepared. Think before you right and be more descriptive. Don't just say a cat in a bubble because Mew isn't like that (if it is). Be decisive and say, "The pink cat-like creature slowly awoke and floated gently around the lab in a peaceful manner." The sentence sounds much much better.
     
    My appologies, sir. I will halt the writing of
    this story until later into my life. Again, my
    appologies. I mean this to be in no way sarcastic.
    Please do not take offense.
     
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