Pokemon Kinun Quest

[Animehero]

Chapter 1: Beginner Battles!
Aspen: Let's see... the space was created by Palkia, while time was made by Dialga. The sky was made by Rayquaza, the earth was made by Groudon, while the oceans were made by Kyogre...
Kenta: Yo, Professor! We're here for our pokemon!
Aspen: Ah! Kenta! Ryuma! Celia! Come in, come in, come in!
Celia: So what're our choices, professor?
(Professor Aspen likes to give every trainer a diferent pokemon each time).
Aspen: You're choices are Torchic, Piplup, or Chikorita.
Ryuma: I call Piplup, hands down!
Celia: I was gonna pick Piplup!
Kenta: Isn't Piplup to "babyish" for you, Ryuma?
Ryuma: It's not Piplup I want, it's Piplup's final form, Empoleon! That pokemon's hard core!!
Kenta: Whatever! I'm going with Torchic! It's final form, Blaziken, kicks butt!
Celia: I'll take, Chikorita, then. It's just as cute as a Piplup, anyway!
Ryuma: Kenta!! I challenge you to a battle! I won't take no for an answer!
Kenta: What's all this about, Ryu?
Celia: (You'd think it'd be obvious)...
Ryuma: The law of a trainer says you have to accept!! Let's go!
Kenta: Fine!! Torchic, ember!!
Torchic fired bullets of fire at Piplup just to see the attack miss!
Ryuma: Piplup! Bubblebeam!
A flood of bubbles blasted from Piplup's beak.
Kenta: Torchic, dodge, and use peck!
Ryuma: You too, Piplup!
Both Pokemon collided and hit the wall.
Aspen: Gentlemen, this is not an appropriate senerio for a pokemon battle!
The two of them continued.
Ryuma: Bubblebeam!
Kenta: Ember!
The two blast clashed, and a huge explosion came. The clouds finally cleared, and Torchic was down.
Ryuma: Return, Piplup. Kenta next time, prove your worthiness.

Kenta has just began his quest in the Kinun region, but as soon as he begins he's defeated by his so called friend! Only time can tell what shall happen next! Stay tuned to find out what happens!

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Alter Ego]

Sorry, but according to the rules

2. Script fanfictions are allowed but only well written ones. Those that are unprofessionally written will be discouraged.

I'm afraid that this doesn't quite fit the criteria of 'well written'. :\ First off, and this is something that the other reviewers around here have already told you but it bears repeating: you really need to work on your descriptions. As it is, you have absolutely no description of the setting or the characters, no-one has really displayed anything resemblant of personality yet and the battle description is very plain.

Furthermore, you've stumbled into some very nasty pokémon clichés. First off, this is thus far a weak representative of the most common plot type; the original trainer (OT) fanfic in which the main character(s) go out on a journey in a new region just like in the anime or games. I'm not saying that you can't write a story like that, but if you do then you must realize that your fic has a lot of competition, so in order to prevent it from just vanishing beneath the mountain of similar fics you really have to put a lot of thought and innovation into your writing, plot twists, and characters. Thus far, I have seen none of that here. You've also taken up another one of the old clichés; the professor who's named after a tree. Trust me, it's really not a very new or interesting idea; poke around the old fanfics and you will probably find at least a dozen of professor Aspens around. Be original; say 'no' to the tree professors.

I'd really suggest getting acquinted with some of the archived fanfictions here in order to get a picture of what an excellent fanfic is; all of them have been saved for very good reasons. Also, make sure to read the fanfic guide in the Writers' Lounge and re-read the comments you've gotten for your earlier fics as they are very valid points presented by people who know their writing. :3

So yeah, it's a lot of work but if you put your mind to it then you can definitely improve.

 

[Animehero]

I really don't give a **** in hell about most of the stuff you typed, because I did this because I was bored. Turd...

 

[Alter Ego]

I really don't give a **** in hell about most of the stuff you typed, because I did this because I was bored. Turd...

I think there's only one response I can give to that...

*Reports*

Seriously, there's no call for flaming; if you don't want any comments on your writing then don't post it here. It's really that simple. :\

 

[mewthree w/armor]

Animehero your warned for flaming. This topic is closed, Animehero if you can't handle criticism I suggest you take a break and post somewhere else in the forums.