Pokemon:Legendary Destiny(Rated PG)

[AttackRage555]

Well My secend Fan Fic.Before I go on to the Proglue,Let me tell you a short summary of the FanFic and the Characters.This is Rated Pg,Some kisses And a little Blood.:P

Summary:
In this Fanfic,all the legendary Pokemon will go Crazy and more Powerful than before thanks to A Experment in a lab.guess what?The Radio Wave thingy.
Now Somebody must Stop them and Put them to their Normal self and Take Down the Radio Wave.But I'ts not as easy as you think.....

Characters:
Note:This will have the Professers,but not Ash and co.All Differnt characters,the only ones in here is the game characters,Excoulding May and Breanden,and Having ONLY Red.

Drake
Age:14
gender:Male

Red
Age:13
Gender:Male
You'll see the other chatacters as the Fanfic goes on.

Okay,Here's the Proglue:

Proglue:The Beginning of Chaos

As we all Know it,Pokemon are Creaters that are our Compainons.Some out in the wild,and some Owned By Trainers.They Train Them to fight aginast other Pokemon,and some as pets.

Then there is Bad Teams/Organsions that look to Harm Pokemon.Team Rocket,for Example,look to steal and Harm Pokemon for their Evil Doing.
But they are going to do a deadly polt,this time,on the Legnedary Pokemon,to make them More Powerful and Unstopable than before.With a Experment called the Radio wave.This is to make Pokemon Evolve and Become stornger.But they now made it to Make Pokemon go Crazy and Super Powerful.Now there is the Two choosen ones to stop Team Rocket's plan.

Can they stop Team Rcoket's plan before i'ts too late?Destiny knows...

Okay,that the Proglue.Chapter one in 2 hours.

Any Comments or Fixes and something I did worng,Fell free to tell them.
Sorry guys,Chapter one is tommrow,I have a lot of things to do.

 

[Frostweaver]

*didn't even bother to put the rating in the lounge*

-plot sounds so familiar that I lost track of how many times I've seen "biological experiment resulting in messed up Pokemon"

-legendary spamming is always a "OU-idea" (Overused idea)... same goes for Eeveelutions too

Hm... *goes on to type a Prologue writing FAQ*

 

[AttackRage555]

I know.I'ts gonna be a little diffrent.
XD I know about the legendaryies....This fic will get a little bit more better on chapter one,I promise you.:P

 

[Obsidian Blade]

Point of interest: writing a list of characters and a summary is a complete turn-away for the majority of readers. Seeing that you had to use a beforehand list hints that you will be unable to introduce the characters properly through the story itself, and do you often see published novels starting with "this character is this" and "that character is that" at the beginning? I think not.

You should also avoid the high-and-mighty sounding narration that explains the simplest of things to the reader. It's a Pok?mon fic on a Pok?mon board so it's safe to assume that everyone already knows all that stuff. You can go over it, fine, but try to do it indiscreetly, through a brief interchange between characters, perhaps, or maybe via a quick mention as something occurs in the plot. You hardly have to say that there are criminal gangs out there either, as they'll probably come into play anyway if the radio tower-thing is anything to go by.

Rather than all that explanation, what you really want to do is write a quick prologue that grabs. Make it mysterious, make it link in, make it quick and punchy. Maybe you could set it at night, with a quick description of the radio tower itself followed by the appearance of a furious looking Pok?mon. You don't have to make it actually attack anything yet, but if the creature disappears swiftly into the trees with a malicious smirk on its face the reader won't need any more explanation.

Good luck with future chapters!

 

[AttackRage555]

Thanks for the Comments.^^

Chapter two is when things get better.

Chapter 1:New friends
Well It was a sunny day in Goldenrod city.Cars running around,Trainers with Pokemon,Pigeys and Spearows flying around the blue sky.But in the bedroom of a 14-year-old,Drake,was sleeping on his bed,until...

YAHHH!!!!Drake screamed.The alarm clock went off.He gt out of bed very tired.

"Go and Brush your teeth"Drake's mom said.Yes,I will,Drake said as he went to the bathroom.

Then when Drake was finshed with his moring Stuff,he went out to he door.
Today,he was going to vist a friend in Pallet Town in Kanto.

Drake rushed to get his boat Ticket to go on the Boat which will go to Pallet town."Oh great,another 2 hours",Drake said with a sigh."But I can Make up the time with Training My Pokemon for a while',Drake said.It's been two years since Darke won the Pokemon Johto Leage.

"Let's go,Pigeot!",Drake said.He Took out his Pokeball from his Pocket,and Threw the Pokeball in the Air,Then a Big-like Brid came out it.This Pokemon was known as Pigeot.

"Okay Pigeot,let's test you with some Ballons.",Drake said with Exitement.He liked working With his Pokemon.

"Pigeot,Wing Attack those Ballons!",Drake commanded.Pigeotttt!!Pigeot said with a High-Pichted Voice.I'ts Wings glowed with White as it Headed towards the Ballons.It Poped One by one with it's Glowing Wings.

"Good Job!"Drake said with a happy look.He Petted Pigeot on it's glossy Fine white back.

"Hey look,The Boat's coming in!"Drake said with a smile as he returned Pigeot into I'ts Pokeball.Red energy Sucked it into it.

Drake ran over to the Dock where the boat's coming in."Your Ticket?"Said the Captain."Yes,here it is",Drake said."The Boat should arrive at Pallet town
in 1 hour"The Captain said."Oh great,That's good,Drake said.

"I'am tired allready"Drake said."That's not me,getting tired like that,but okay,I'll go alsleep for a while untill I arrive there",Drake said.
Drake had to find his Room First,and he did.Drake closed his Eyes and Went alsleep.

-END CHAPTER ONE-​

How ya like it?Lame I know,but the Next Chapter is more better.
Sneek Preveiw of Chapter 2:

Drake will meet Red,and Team Rocket will hunt down a Pokemon,I ain't telling you.
Next Chapter will be today.

 

[Obsidian Blade]

First off: punctuation. When punctuating speech you absolutely MUST use quotation marks and hit return after each speaker. If you don't it's extremely irritating to read and hard to tell who's saying what. Just to let you know what I mean, take this quote for example:

YAHHH!!!!Drake screamed.The alarm clock went off.He gt out of bed very tired.

"Go and Brush your teeth"Drake's mom said.Yes,I will,Drake said as he went to the bathroom.

You were starting to use quotation marks when the disembodied voice of his mother was talking to him, but it would have been better if you'd written it like this:

"YAHHH!" Drake screamed as the alarm clock went off. He got out of bed very tired.

"Go and Brush your teeth, "Drake's mom said.

"Yes, I will," Drake said as he went to the bathroom.

Even with that, however, all is not well. There are lots of unexplained details that could give your story depth: where did he first meet his Pallet town friend? Where'd those balloons come from? Did he have the money for that ticket already or did he have to save up to buy it?

You need to work on description too.

He Took out his Pokeball from his Pocket,and Threw the Pokeball in the Air,Then a Big-like Brid came out it.This Pokemon was known as Pigeot.

How can something be "Big-like"? O.o; confusion...

ANYWAY. About that description. Rather than just saying that a bird came out of it why not illustrate it more?

The ball burst open in mid-air, the scarlet light that filtered from it materializing into the shape of a majestic bird Pok?mon. Flapping its huge brown feathered wings, the Pidgeot flipped its long, red head feathers and gave a powerful caw.

Once you've got the basics down in a chunk like that you can go on to add more description in speech and actions like so:

Pidgeot flew at the balloons as they floated towards the clouds. Its fierce, angular eyes determined, the bird snapped at the nearest target with its pale pink beak.

And so on. Description like that makes the fiction much more interesting to read and is more liked to grab the readers attention.

Good luck!

 

[AttackRage555]

Thanks for the Tips.
Well I'll get busy on Chapter two as I plan it out.I promise you,Chapter two will be a WHOLE LOT better!

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

Punctuation, Length and Description are the three main points I would have to make about this fic:

Punctuation, as OB said, is vital if you want to make your chapters more professional. It really was clearly lacking. Don't forget to proof-read, and use MS Word, as that gets rid of 70% (you need to proof-read to get rid of the rest).

Length - immensly short. It wasn't that not much happened, yet more that it all seemed rushed. Half because of the lack of punctuation use correctly, and half because of lack of description. It's little things like that that can affect the flow of the story, and I'll explain about description next.

Desciption - I could barely picture much, and what you did write was limited. Use plenty of adjectives and adverbs. It may take more time to write out, but it'll look better and more professional in the end, and you'll get better reviews because of it. ^_^

 

[AttackRage555]

Thanks Mr.Cat Dog!
Sorry guys,AGIAN Chapter two will have to be tommrow.-_-

 

[Frostweaver]

Thanks Mr.Cat Dog!
Sorry guys,AGIAN Chapter two will have to be tommrow.-_-

Obviously, this statement tells us a good reason why all those mistakes are happening. If a chapter can be published in a day's speed, that's an obvious sign that something's going way too fast, and there's a lack of serious consideration about the structure of a chapter.

Average chapter development speed: once a week

Your speed: once a day

What can we assume?
-You spend 7 times as less on a chapter compare to average writers

Take some time, slow down your writing, and read it over for beta-reading. Ask a friend to be a beta-reader, and that can help with the basic punctuations too. If a chapter doesn't come out to at least 800 words long, then it's best to merge 2 chapters together, or it's time to add in some description, and various setup.

Read the basic fanfic writing FAQ from the start to the end, and that may help too.