Pokemon: Package of Faith

[spiersie]

Preface:
Thunder crashes in a forrest far away from here. the unheard cries of a skitty flood the vegatated wasteland. a houndoom closes in and as a tyranitar corners the edge of the tree line, a red flame and consecutive bolts of lightning hit the skitty. silence falls over the forest until a roar goes out, a roar so dark so full of hatred, drenshed in anguish and pain. pidgey flee from the forest in fear. thunder crashes, three companions are woken by the sound of broken glass. ash, may and brock run to the lobby of the pokemon centre to find Nurse Joy unconcious on the holding a letter with three lines on it. "seek and you shall find" "the answer in your mind" "for the sake of all man kind". the three friends exchange looks, as a hyper beam blows the centre in two, and the friends out the window.

People please tell me if i should continue, or if i should try with something esle

 

[Astinus]

This doesn't feel like a story. There's not a lot of...substance to it to make it it's own story. I'll try to help you out here.

You have three capital letters total when you should have dozens. And proper paragraphing. Grammar is very helpful in getting readers to look at your story. I'm not saying that you should have absolutely zero mistakes in your story, but the basics help. Further down in my review you will see that I grammar-checked your story. The bolded parts are corrections.

Nothing makes sense due to your lack of description. All you have is basically short events happening in mass chaos. I mean, we go from lightning streaking across the sky to a dead Nurse Joy to Satoshi-tachi being blown out the window. Slow down! Describe the setting, the characters. In describing the characters, you not only mention the physical traits, but also how they show their emotions. Like I really don't think Satoshi-tachi would just...shrug off Nurse Joy laying in a pool of her own blood. They would scream and show fear.

You're supposed to create a movie on paper when you tell a story. Movies show everything. When writing, you are supposed to transfer what you see in your head to paper so that the reader can see it too. You really didn't do that here. Plus, describing and slowing down would end the confusion your readers get from reading what you have here.

I'm not suggesting trying with something else, but trying harder. Read some of the other high-rated fics on this forum to see how things are done.

For future reference, here is what your story is supposed to look like:

Preface:
Thunder crashes in a forest far away from here. The unheard cries of a Skitty flood the vegatated wasteland. A Houndoom closes in. As a Tyranitar corners the edge of the tree line, a red flame and consecutive bolts of lightning hit the Skitty. Silence falls over the forest until a roar goes out, a roar so dark so full of hatred, drenched in anguish and pain. Pidgey flee from the forest in fear.

Thunder crashes; three companions are woken by the sound of broken glass. Ash, May and Brock run to the lobby of the Pokemon centre to find Nurse Joy unconcious and holding a letter with three lines on it: "Seek and you shall find. The answer in your mind. For the sake of all man kind".

The three friends exchange looks, as a Hyper Beam blows the centre in two, and the friends out the window.

Also, don't write out canon characters that should be there for no reason. I'm talking about Max. If you are going to write him out of the story, give a real good reason that fits in with the plot of the story. No "I don't like him" reasons. Canon proves that he's there, and there ain't no getting rid of him. So come up with a real good reason as to why he's not.

If you add in more description, have good grammar, and can keep the canon characters in the personalities that they already have on the show, then you will get more readers.