darkblastoise89 said:
^um that wasn't a rate, just a comment on what you would say if you could do more than rate it... and did you read the note? it's supposed to be more of a monolouge anyway.
parts that don't make sense eh? i didn't think that a short poem like that could seem cryptic... :bandit: interesting... my young cousin understands it pretty well.
I didn't mean it in that way. I meant it didn't logically flow, some phrases were out of place and jumbled the meaning. But I guess I'll show you.
first stanza seems alright although it lacks some diction its not a big deal.
second stanza convulutes the meaning.
"though my hand you cannot,my heart you take.
driving into it like a wooden stake
this feeling i have i cannot shake.
tearing me open like an eathquake
my love is real
and these feelings i feel,
i only feel them for you "
- now that I look at it a little more this might be a minor diction error, but eh we'll take a closer look. I also have an issue with the similes here which seem really weak and serve no purpose.
"though my hand you cannot,my heart you take. "
-good first line, cathces my attention, but you don't follow up in the second line with anything meaningful.
"driving into it like a wooden stake"
- this is a weak simile it doesn't really serve any other purpose other than to tell me what I already know. I prefer a good old fashioned metaphor to a simile, because a simile is obvious, but a metaphor is cryptic. a revision here would be nice.
"tearing me open like an eathquake"
-seems like you used the word earthquake merely for the purpose of rhyming. It makes the whole stanza seem rushed. Just as in the other line this one serves absolutely no purpose. It doesn't furhter establish an existing idea nor does it create a new one. It is a wasted line.
"My love is real
and these feelings i feel,
i only feel them for you "
- the ending doesn't establish anyhting either. From reading your poem I can surmise that your love is real, so putting it there insults the readers intelligence. ANd I could also gather that these feelings and the girl youre writing about are mutually exclusive, please tell me something new or give me a line to think about.
yeah well that was the bulk of my observation right there. It was alright, for the theme you chose.... I thought it was too short and there wasn't enough thought put into the similes. Some good things I noticed was organization of thought and choice of diction (for the most part).
