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Shooting star

Toblerone

Which chocolate is the best?
    • 1,136
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Apr 18, 2010
    Another one of my poems. Hope you like it, free to crititcise and say whats wrong with it.

    Shooting star

    A shooting star, make a wish!
    A diamond ring, a golden fish?
    Lo and behold, that shooting star,
    Maybe you wish for the latest car?

    Perhaps some money,
    As rich as honey?
    Or shiny gold,
    Will make you bold?

    For a kid, an awesome toy,
    A bar of chocolate, for him to enjoy?
    Maybe fame, with adoring fans?
    Even, possibly, the richest of tans?

    How about happiness? Lovely dreams,
    Even the best, of chocolate creams?
    Even a footballer, entering the pitch,
    Oh my god, your filthy rich!!
     
    Last edited:
    Ahh, thank you! I knew there was something wrong!
     
    hey this is pretty good i really like your poem it really entertains me to re read it again ^ ^ good job kiddo
     
    Thanks, Ninetales! I love writing poetry, even though this is my 2nd or 3rd i've ever posted!
     
    bruom said:
    for me its very good, just one thing: "gold" doesnt rime with "sold"...
    Click to expand...

    Erm, I wouldnt take the advice from someone who spells rhyme in such a way. Your particular accent may be different but gold and sold rhyme in any accent I've ever heard.

    EDIT: Also, I like this poem. It's not structurally challenging or anything like that, but it made me smile. And i suppose that, at the end of the day, that's the objective :)
     
    Uweeheehee...it's kinda cute. Well, compared to mine.

    It's nice to read something light and free.
     
    Thanks! I tend to make up happy poems, not depressing ones such as "as i lay dying".. it was still good, though!
     
    This poem made me laugh in a good way :) The rhymes are nice and simple, which make this piece effective. My favourite part is the bit about the sports car ;)

    I liked the general theme of wishing upon a star, something that we all have dreamed of at some point in our lives. It's upbeat and friendly to the eyes and the ears. Much kudos. I don't have any creative critisizm. Just keep writing as you do, and you'll definitley improve.
     
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