The Journey of a Lifetime

[Firepower07]

[Chaphter 1
My Journey Begins

My name is Chris and I'm from Pine Town. Most pokemon journeys don't begin until you turn ten and recieve your pokemon liscense. However, my journey began one year earlier. It started when I crossed paths with what would become my first pokemon.

I was in the woods sitting under a tree taking a nap. I woke up and looked at my watch. I noticed that it was getting close to lunch time, and decided to head home. As I started walking, a Growlithe ramed head first into me.

"Ow, you should watch where your going little guy," I said.

"Growl, ithe," he said.

I sat up and saw the most horrible sight. A swarm of Beedrill were flying right at us. I got up to run away and notice that one of Growlithe's legs was injured. So I grabbed it up and ran away from the improching swarm. I managed to keep a few feet between me and the Beedrill, until I found that they had swung around and had boxed us in. Growlithe jump out of my arms and unleashed a powerful Flamethrower. He burned about half of the swarm, the rest flew away in fear.I looked at Growlithe amazed at what power the little guy had. He then turned to me and fell to the ground from exhuastion. I picked him up and ran back to the Pokemon Center in town.

I ran into the center and told Nurse Joy what happen. She told me that Growlithe was suffering from poison. I handed him over to her so she could heal him. I watch through the window as she worked to heal him. After a short time had past she came out and told me that he would be fine. I asked if I could see him, and she said yes.

"Are you all right little guy," I said.

"Growl, Growl, Growlithe," he said.

"Ok, you just rest and get your strength back," I said.

The next morning as we walked out the front door Nurse Joy said,"You know that you two were lucky to have survive against a whole swarm of Beedrill, I have a feeling that great things lie in store for you two."

I said to Growlithe,"I can't get my Pokemon liscense for another year, but when I do how about you and me set out on a journey together." He agreed and for the next year we trained to get his Flamethrower under control, and we did. If you thick that that is a lot of exictment for one year, you haven't heard anything yet.

 

[Naminé]

This story is certainly better than many other first attempts in PC to Naminé's eyes. Certainly, there is an acceptable amount of details at the very least, along with proper grammar for the most parts and good paragraphing.

What Naminé thinks can use some further help is to add in further details. Though they are present to make this fanfic acceptable, they are not nearly enough to make the story interesting, especially regarding what a character is thinking. Explaining the mental health of a character is also an important part of description as well.

She wonders if Mr. Firepower07 is familiar with a term called "diction?" It is about the choice of words. Sometimes if a word is repeatingly used, the story can be boring. Naminé sees that the story uses a lot of "said" which is a poor choice of diction. Why not consider some alternatives, such as replied, asked, questioned, and many others? Try to expand the use of different vocabularies, using the same words as little as possible in order to make everything look fresh and different.

 

[jasonresno]

Just wondering, why do you speak in the third person?

 

[~Ozy~]

I agree with Namine in that your story needs detail. Setting in particular seems to need work. Consider thinking of the images you have in your head and conveying those to the reader. Strong imagery is a very effective way to get your reader emotionally involved in the story.

Secondly, though first-person narritive is easy to write in, it makes for a less intriguing story. Consider writing in a more traditional third-person structure.

Finally, the most glaring of the textual mistakes in the story seem to be simple typos or other errors a word processor could catch. Did you type this in the reply box? If you did, I suggest typing it in Word (or equivalent) and running spelling and grammar checks before posting it.

Best of luck!

 

[Aegis]

Um that was short. I think it needs more detail and not to be so rushed. Like you only just meet the growlithe then your suddnly its owner? And you only had one paragraph running from the beedrill. Adding more detail and more content would make it a lot better. I hope you fix it up =3