the old secret house

[Kishijoten]

it was a cold breezy afternoon in Eterna city while young pokemon trainers, felicia,sappia,and kappia walked toward a building full of items. ''come on we need to get some items for our big journey!'' sappia said in a hurry. Felicia sighed and only standed there ''come on sappia it isn't like Eterna forest is going to walk away,'' Felicia said ''i know but pokemons will i want a cute buneary or something like that,'' sappia said with a bright smile. the clerk looked over at sappia and made a face ''bad idea a old building lives there it's pretty much haunted the old building is spooky'' said the clerk. ''no prob,'' sappia said ''my precious little turtwig can handle this job'' kappia turned to the section that held the repels. ''hmmmmm.....,''said kappia ''repels keeps pokemons aways so why not buy some?'' sappia frowned at her saying and told her she didn't have enough money to afford repels ''not enough?'' kappia asked sappia nodded as she handed the clerk the money ''ok, that's about it.....here you go sweetie safe journey'' the clerk said with a slight smile. ''we will'' Felicia said nodding her head back and forth ''come on!'' sappia said. so the three girls were walking towrd Eterna forest knowing a mystry will await them but haunted viels shield there fears. The girls walked for miles barly taking a rest.''can we.. w..we please...ttt...ake a break?'' Felicia asked out of breath. sappia looked at her and ignored at what she said. Felicia made a face and said nothing at all. ''welcome to Eterna forest girls,'' said a voice. the girls looked around them but nobody was there no pokemons but only the sound of a rustling wind ''who...whhooo...said that?'' sappia asked in a frightened tone. the wind rustle and the voice came back ''relax my deer I'm not here to hurt you a welcoming saying is all you need that's all nofear is taken'' the voice said like a ghastly ghost. winds blew back and forth while the voice faded away with no replys or answers to sappia's question in better details. ''GO AWAY whoever you are!!!!!!'' sappia yelled in horror. the voice was in shock a blurr of wind dumped the forest in coldness ''I'll leave you alone but wothout the voice of nature you'll be in series of trouble a future of flames await you in this forest'' the voice said as a faded sound came to being and the wind was no longer heard only silent and the chirps of starlys were in Eterna forest. ''flames in the future?''sappia asked ''what doe's that mean?'' no one answered her not even Felicia or Kappia ''guys?'' sappia said as she turned arounf finding them in a vanishing moment ''wait!!!!!!!!!'' cried sappia but the two faded away depthly from the forest and silent was here.............FWHOOSH!.... a orange and red flames burned up a tree in eterna forest ''ah! fire the voice was right! flames in the future came true'' flames swirled the air as heat arose the sky. a shadow came near her as the blackness rosed up it's arm ready to do something evil? or good...........

 

[icomeanon6]

A little advice: If people need to highlight the text to be able to read it, it's the wrong color. What's wrong with black? It goes so well with everything.

Now about the story, it seems rushed. It really doesn't hurt to wait a few days to get your ideas down before posting. I'd suggest typing your story in a word processor, and then copying it into the forum. Nothing helps a writer like patience.

 

[Adrian Johnson]

Wow, that story was okay, but the text is way to big.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Another story that is nothing but a big wall of text. This must be the tenth I have seen this month. Please hit the enter key twice to make a new paragraph, and don't use such large text. More description and a slower feel to it won't hurt either.

I'll just quote it and show you what I mean. My corrections, along with suggestions, will be in bold text. Words I add in will be in bold parenthesis, capitalization errors will be bold and underlined, and words you need to change will be underlined.

It was a cold breezy afternoon in Eterna city while the young Pokemon trainers, (omit the underlined comma, it is not needed. Also, a space should exist between a comma and the word after it.) Felicia, Sappia, and Kappia walked toward a building full of items.

''Come on, we need to get some items for our big journey!'' Sappia said in a hurry. Felicia sighed and only stood (standed is not a word, the past tense of stand is stood) there.

''Come on Sappia, it isn't like Eterna forest is going to walk away,'' Felicia said.

''I know but Pokemon will i want a cute buneary (What is this word? What is the meaning of this sentence? I don't understand what you meant to say at all.) or something like that,'' Sappia said with a bright smile. The clerk looked over at Sappia and made a face. (What kind of face? Not very descriptive.)

''Bad idea, There is an old building over there that is pretty much haunted. The old building is spooky,'' said the clerk.

''No prob,'' Sappia said. ''My precious little Turtwig can handle this job.''

Kappia turned to the section that held the repels. ''Hmmmmm.....,'' said Kappia. ''Repels keep Pokemon away, so why not buy some?''

Sappia frowned at her, saying that she didn't think she had enough money to afford repels.

''Not enough?'' Kappia asked. (How did she ask? Was she disappointed? Confused? Didn't care?) Sappia nodded as she handed the clerk the money.

''Ok, that's about it... (An ellipses only has three dots, not several.) here you go sweetie, have a safe journey,'' the clerk said with a slight smile.

''We will,'' Felicia said, nodding her head back and forth.

''Come on!'' Sappia said. (How did she say this? Was it urgently, or casually?)

So the three girls began walking toward Eterna forest knowing a mystery would await, them but haunted veils shielded their fears. The girls walked for miles without taking a rest. ''Can we.. w..we please...ttt...ake a break?'' Felicia asked, out of breath. (Panting or gasping would have been better than saying out of breath.)

Sappia looked at her and ignored what she said. Felicia made a face (Again, what kind of face?) and said nothing at all.

''Welcome to Eterna forest, girls,'' said a voice. The girls looked around them, but nobody was there. No Pokemon, but only the sound of a rustling wind. (That sentence was incredibly awkward.)

''Who...whhooo...said that?'' Sappia asked in a frightened tone. The wind rustle and the voice came back (in reply).

''Relax, my Dear. (lol, wrong kind of dear. You made it out that the girls were the four legged animals that jump in front of cars. I doubt very much that they are, so fix that form.) I'm not here to hurt you a welcoming saying is all you need, that's all. No fear is (needed),'' the voice said like a ghastly ghost. Winds blew back and forth while the voice faded away with no replies or answers to Sappia's question in better details. (Another "WTF, that was awkward" sentence. Revise it.)

''GO AWAY whoever you are!!!!!!'' (Please don't capitalize anything, it only shows lack of creativity.) Sappia yelled in horror. The voice was in shock, (and) a blur of wind dumped (use a better word) the forest in coldness.

''I'll leave you alone, but without the voice of nature, you'll be in (for some) trouble. A future of flames awaits you in this forest,'' the voice said as (it) faded. The wind was no longer heard, only silence and the chirps of starlys were (heard) in Eterna forest.

''flames in the future?'' Sappia asked. ''What doe's (Why do you have an apostrophe in does? That is not a contraction, just a normal word.) that mean?'' No one answered her, not even Felicia or Kappia. ''Guys?'' Sappia said as she turned around (and) finding them in a vanishing moment. (What, exactly, is a vanishing moment?) ''Wait!!!!!!!!!'' (Obnoxious number of exclamation marks, only one is needed to convey your meaning.) cried Sappia, but the two faded away depthly from the forest and silent was here (I'm not even going to touch this one. Fix it according to what you meant it to be, I really don't know what you meant to say here.)

FWHOOSH!

Orange and red flames burned up a tree in eterna forest. ''Ah! fire! The voice was right! Flames in the future came true!'' Flames swirled the air as heat arose (in) the sky. A shadow came near her as the blackness rose up it's arm ready to do something evil, or (something) good........... (Again, an ellipses is only three dots.)

So my advice to you is... Fix it! There were tons of instances where you neglected capitalizing the characters names, which is one of the first things you learn to do in English, and you made billions of punctuation errors (I'm exaggerating, but there WERE a lot.) A lot of your sentences made absolutely no sense, and you failed to develop the story successfully. Slow down, add more detail, and work on grammar/ spelling errors. Avoid the "Great Wall of Text" and develop your dialog/description logically. Read some other fan fictions around here, and incorporate what you learn from those into your fiction. Whenever you're unsure about punctuation or capitalization, just look at someone else's story (that has a reputation of using good punctuation and grammar) and make the appropriate adjustments.

If you want a list of fan fictions that have proven their worth here, then just PM me and I will compile a list of those that I consider good quality fictions.

 

[Astinus]

This chapter does not meet the standards of PFF. Read the rules and the stickied advice guides in the Writer's Lounge forum.

You have one chance to make some improvement to your story. If your story is not improved in anyway, then it gets closed.