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The One and only Draco Region! Rated E.

Lollypop

Member since '07 <300 posts
    • 250
    Posts
    17
    Years
    I'm Salamance09 this is my second FF so leave suggestions and visit the thread.

    Chapter 1. A Dragon Beginning!​

    " Garchomp! Dragon Rush!" Shouted Paul. The Garchomp quickly aimed a powerful Dragon Rush at Dragonite. " And the winner is Paul's Garchomp!" Announced the Judge.

    " Paul! Stop Day Dreaming. It's 10 AM already. Time to get your Pokemon." Said Pauls Mum. " Huh. Whaaaaaat. Oh No I'm late for the Gible I reserved. Gotta go mum bye."
    Said Paul.

    " Huff Huff. I'm there. Finally it's Gible time. Hello. Anyone home? Weird no one here.
    Perhaps Prof. Maple is at the Bathroom. Lets see.... Ah Ha Gible. Prof Maple! Hey He left a
    note."Dear Trainers who want their Pokemon all of the dragon pokemon are on the table.

    P.S Paul yours is on the bookcase.

    PP.S All the Pokeballs and Pokedexes are on the table. Hope you have a safe trip.




    Signed: Prof. Maple.
     
    Ok... Bold is my corrections.
    Bracket bold is my added in.

    Salamance09 said:
    I'm Salamance09 this is my second FF so leave suggestions and visit the thread.

    Chapter 1. A Dragonic Beginning!
    Dragon is not and adjective...

    ​
    " Garchomp! Dragon Rush!" Shouted Paul. The Garchomp quickly aimed a powerful Dragon Rush at Dragonite.
    " And the winner is Paul's Garchomp!" Announced the Judge.
    Detail? How did he win by just saying "Dragon Rush"?

    " Paul! stop day dreaming. It's 10 AM already. Time to get your Pokemon." Said Paul's Mum.
    Tut tut. No need for capitals there. Unless she's screaming. Then you need ALL caps.
    " Huh. Whaaaaaat? Oh No! I'm late for the Gible I reserved. Gotta go mum bye."
    Said Paul.
    What? He gets up from wherever and just says bye?
    Need new lines for speech.

     " Huff Huff. I'm here. <Why would he be "there"> Finally, it's Gible time. Hello! Anyone home? Weird no one here.
    Perhaps Prof. Maple is at the bathroom. Lets see... Gible! Prof Maple! Hey! He left a note.
    That sounded so weird...
    And what happened between then?
    Detail, please.

    "Dear Trainers who want their Pokemon,
    (I have to go somewhere urgently.)
    All of the dragon pokemon are on the table.

    P.S Paul yours is on the bookcase.
    Why? He's special?

    P.P.S All the Pokeballs and Pokedexes are on the table. Hope you have a safe trip.
    You already said about Pokemon!




    Signed: Prof. Maple."
    Click to expand...

    What? I don't get the "leave suggestions" part...
    Hmmms...
    This isn't excatly good...
    Three words.
    Bigger. Longer. More detail.
    Fine, that was four words...
     
    Last edited:
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