The Sacred Stone

[Technya]

Chick in riot gear!
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    Years
    In the still of a cold and rainy night all was quiet except for the revving engine of a speeding car. Down the main road of a city a small green Mirage was racing down an empty road at 120 MPH. The car was being chased by three more at rapid speeds as well. The small Mirage raced down the road without slowing down at all. The other three cars were catching up but the Mirage pushed its limits and passed 130 MPH. Suddenly the small Mirage lost control and collided with a building and exploded on impact.

    Ash awoke from the sound of his cell phone that had been put on the nightstand that was close to the bed. He kept perfectly still except for his right eye that moved to close in on the phone. He wondered if picking it up was such a good idea. After a few seconds the cell phone kept ringing, which let Ash know the caller was not going to give up so easily.

    Ash sat up on his bed and yawned as he looked over at his clock that was on the other nightstand. It was 3: 25 a.m., he turned to the phone that was still ringing and flipped the top and saw the number that was calling.

    317 ? 9879​

    Ash groaned loudly and finally answered the phone in a sleepy and growling like voice. ?Do you ever get some sleep??

    ?Rise and shine ol? boy! It?s a new and beautiful day.?

    The voice on the other end was energetic and full of life, too energetic for that time of night. The voice also carried a heavy Irish accent that pierced through Ash?s ear since he was partially awake. The voice on the other end belonged to a jolly old man that Ash had met through the Hoenn League long ago. Roy O? Shane was a feisty trainer that specialized in Steel type Pok?mon. Roy had seen Ash battle and was quite impressed with his strategy and power but what really captured him was the bond Ash shared with his Pok?mon.

    Ash looked at the clock once more and saw that two minutes had passed by and wondered what O? Shane wanted with him. ?3: 27?this better be good.?

    ?Ash we have another one and we need your help.?

    ?No, no, no! Roy, you know I respect you and I consider you one of my better friends but I told Kyle that I want out!?

    ?I know, lad. But he wants you and only you to lead the team.?

    As Roy kept insisting Ash could feel a sudden burst of rage rise from within him. Roy had a friend, Kyle Lowe; he was a Pok?mon professor who had once when in his late teens joined a gang of bikers who made nothing but trouble. Kyle was one of the lead biker?s favorite and most loyal. For four years he and the gang wreaked havoc among the streets of Petalsburg.

    One morning the gang had thought of heading out to pay a little visit to a rival gang that had been making threats about exiling the gang Kyle belonged to. As the gangs met up at the plaza the police had crashed their plans. Kyle among others was arrested for robbery, disturbing the peace and other accusations that had been inflicted upon him. In jail he read dozens of books on Pok?mon and became a sort of expert on them. When he got out of jail some 5 years later he was bound for college to study Pok?mon and create a profession out of his newly found passion.

    Not only was he a respected professor but also a powerful allay to the FBI. He had connections to the underground, which told him when gangs or organizations such as Team Rocket and Team Magma would conjure up malevolent plans involving Pok?mon and weapons and other means of massive destruction.

    Ash sighed heavily and rolled his eyes as he heard his friend literally begging him to agree. ?Please, Ash. You?re the best when it comes to this.?

    ?I told Kyle I had done my last job last month. There is no way in hell that I am going back!?

    ?Nothing can change your mind??

    ?No force on Heaven or Earth could possibly make me go back.?

    ?Not even Team Rocket??

    As the sun rose from its sleep, the city of Arlynuel was buzzing with thousands of people. Arlynuel City was one that never slept. To the north side there were the casinos and baseball stadiums, to the west, medical buildings and hospitals, to the east dozens of skyscrapers that belonged to corporations and law firms dominated a greater part of Arlynuel and to the south were the suburbs where all families who did not enjoy the actual city life lived.

    Arlynuel City was a city like no other; it was broken in four to separate its citizens to accommodate their likings. If you liked to live in the city any direction that included north, east and west would be perfect for you but if you were not built for the big time city then the south was best for you. Not only that but Arlynuel City was also a greater part country that was way more to the south.

    A man named Kyle Lowe owned one of the tallest buildings. The building stood at 58 stories and was rather elegant. It was mostly made out of glass giving it a rather modern look but at the top there were some parts constructed in stone, a pleasant mix between the days of yore and the 21st century.

    The front door to that building burst open widely as Ash walked in quickly. He was rather angry with a phone call that had awakened him at 3: 25 a.m. He was not bothered with Roy but rather with Kyle. He walked in and headed for the elevators. The lobby, like any other, was very roomy. At the center there was a counter for information and behind it a gray door with the words SECURITY in bold letters. To the left of the lobby were the elevators.

    Ash punched in the arrow pointing up and waited impatiently. He had on a black, dark red and gray backpack in which Pikachu hid since they did not permit Pok?mon inside the building. After a few minutes the elevator doors finally opened wide and several people walked out. Ash moved in quickly and bumped into one of the people getting out. The young man looked at him with a rather hostile look but Ash gave off an even more hostile look that was also quite intimidating. The young man backed down and kept walking.

    Nine people including Ash got on the elevator and all punched in different floors. Ash looked at all the buttons and groaned knowing that he would take forever to get to the last floor. After a well 12 minutes in the elevator he finally reached the last floor.

    The doors opened to reveal what appeared to be an office. The place appeared to be more like a study. The north wall was a wall that was filled from the top to the bottom with all sorts of books, to the east was a mini bar equipped with a billiard table, to the west were several chairs and a small table in the middle and to the south was a huge desk made out of rosewood.

    Behind that desk was a huge leather chair that was facing the wall but as soon as Ash took a step out of the elevator the chair twisted around to reveal some one sitting there.

    ?I didn?t think you would really come,? Said the man sitting in the chair as he lit a Cuban cigar, ?considering what you told Roy.?
    The man got up from the chair and walked towards Ash. The man was in his mid 40s, he had sleek brown hair; blue eyes and an Armani suit that did not look like it cost him $50.

    ?No force on Heaven or Earth could possibly make me go back.? Weren?t those your exact words? Yet, here you are.?

    ?Cut the ****! What do you want, Kyle??

    Kyle inhaled and then let out a giant puff of smoke that seemed to float around him. ?Team Rocket is up to no good yet again.? Ash took a step forward and roughly said. ?Well, that?s not my problem!?

    ?Wrong,? Kyle held the cigar carefully in his hand and pointed it at Ash as he said, ?It is everybody?s problem.?

    Ash backed down, he knew the tough guy routine would not work on Kyle. Some times the harder and rougher you would try to negotiate with this man the easier it was for him to convince you other wise. Ash took his backpack and opened it and out popped out a sweet little mouse that sparked with joy as it laid eyes on its trainer. ?Pi, pikachu! Pika pi!? From within the backpack came another sound, it was a sweet sound made by none other than a small and fluffy Teddiursa. Both small Pok?mon jumped out of the backpack and jumped on the floor as they ran around each other.

    Kyle looked at the Teddiursa and let out a quiet and surprised gasp. He pointed out at it and asked in a bit of a stutter. ?Is?is that um??

    ?Lillith. Yeah, it is.? Said Ash with a rather serious tone and an even more serious look on his face. Kyle kept staring at Lillith the little Teddiursa with a rather uncomfortable look. There was a rather awkward moment between the four of them but then Ash broke the silence by complaining about why he was there.

    ?So Kyle what the hell do you want??

    ?Oh um, yes, you see Team Rocket is once again up to their old tricks. By old I mean, the legend of the Sacred Stone.?

    After hearing the words ?Sacred Stone? Ash?s eyes widened and he let out a surprised gasp. At that moment Ash thought carefully about everything. About two years ago Roy introduced Ash to Kyle Lowe, Kyle was very much interested in how Ash battled. He liked his dedication, his strategy and just like Roy his passion and bond he shared with his Pok?mon.

    After a month of having been introduced Kyle began to trust Ash, he trusted Ash enough to let him in on a team of dedicated and true Pok?mon trainers with the same passion Ash had about his Pok?mon. The team of usually four trainers was set up and given fake IDs, six of their own Pok?mon and information about their targets.

    After Kyle had gotten out of jail he looked to change his entire life. He started by studying Pok?mon but still felt something was missing. He looked back on his life and all he could remember was how he simply lived to destroy so he took a vow to put any organization that caused trouble for society out of business. And so he and four Pok?mon trainers started to go deep underground to where the scum of society dwelled and worked their way up to the top and put out hundreds of gangs, organizations and teams. Only teams he had to deal with were Team Rocket, Team Magma and Team Aqua.

    Kyle saw a lot of promise for Ash so he let him in on the team, a team that had been nick named by its enemies as Slayers. Ash proved worthy by going through several tests, some tested his abilities in Pok?mon battling, others tested his loyalty and others tested him in his field of secrecy. After all, a Pok?mon trainer infiltrating teams such as Team Rocket to put them out of business had a chance of getting caught so they needed to know if the new recruit would be loyal to the end.

    ?Ash? You still with us??
     
    Hmm...

    Your beginning paragraph wasn't too bad at all! It caught my attention, which was good, for it permitted me to read on through the story. Espeacially the last of that paragraph, "Suddenly the small Mirage lost control and collided with a building and exploded on impact."

    I see a lot of places where commas could be used and such. But I'm not one to critisize to the point where one feels bad about his or herself. So, that's all I can say.

    This has an interesting feel to it, and I look forward to reading what you post up next. I shall be a devoted reader to this story, it holds promising interest to me. ^^
     
    ?I told Kyle I had done my last job last month. There is no way in hell that I am going back!?

    last last last >( Think of a new word!

    ?No force on Heaven or Earth could possibly make me go back.? Weren?t those your exact words? Yet, here you are.?

    Wrong. There whould be ' and ' around Ash's quote. Very screwed up dialogue there.

    Kyle inhaled and then let out a giant puff of smoke that seemed to float around him. ?Team Rocket is up to no good yet again.? Ash took a step forward and roughly said. ?Well, that?s not my problem!?

    Seperate the dialogue...

    By old I mean, the legend of the Sacred Stone.

    Not quite the best sentence. More background info would be much apperciated...


    _______________

    Off of the grammar.... the story could've been better. Using a canon character [Ash] was NOT a good choice. His personality has totally been changed, and really doesn't fit well. Creating a new hero based on Ash would've been better.

    Kyle threw me off. One minute he's a biker punk, the next a pokemon professor, and then seeminly a 'good' Mofia boss. When you say "Professor" you obviously use that term loosely. This is an ***-kicking, cigar smoking, crime fighting professor. And of course...he must study pok?mon sometime too! I'd say his characteristics don't mesh

    So...I'd say this is a ... gemstone? ... in the rough right now. Just work on it for now.

    And yes, the intro was attention grabbing.
     
    Katsuro said:
    last last last >( Think of a new word!
    Yeah. I get what you mean here. Should have that fixed soon.



    Katsuro said:
    Wrong. There whould be ' and ' around Ash's quote. Very screwed up dialogue there.
    Touch?.


    Katsuro said:
    Not quite the best sentence. More background info would be much apperciated...
    The info comes later as I did not plan on explaining everything at once. Everything to be known about the stone will be explained in the future.


    Katsuro said:
    Using a canon character [Ash] was NOT a good choice. His personality has totally been changed, and really doesn't fit well. Creating a new hero based on Ash would've been better.
    I realize what you mean about the personality but I for one do not like happy-go-lucky characters. Through out the story Ash will not remain angsty all the time. Just like you or me or any other human he will feel different emotions depending on the situation. Not only that but if you read in between the lines you can tell something happened in his past that saddened him deeply so you can't possibly expect him to be his happy/hyper self.

    Katsuro said:
    Kyle threw me off. One minute he's a biker punk, the next a pokemon professor, and then seeminly a 'good' Mofia boss. When you say "Professor" you obviously use that term loosely. This is an ***-kicking, cigar smoking, crime fighting professor. And of course...he must study pok?mon sometime too! I'd say his characteristics don't mesh
    Kyle was a biker who caused a lot of trouble and when in jail he became interested in Pok?mon. Now some odd years later he became a prof.
    In other words Kyle Lowe is a very complicated character.




    Chapter 2
    Kyle disturbed Ash?s train of thought into the past, he shook his head and looked at Kyle straight in the eyes and firmly said. ?I told you already once before. I quit!?

    Ash turned around and began to walk away but then Kyle made a comment that struck him hard. ?Sarah was never a quitter. She wouldn?t have quit so easily.? Ash stood still but kept looking forward. Pikachu and Lillith looked at each other and than at Kyle as if waiting to see what he would say next. There was a silent moment between the two of them but then Ash broke the silence as he softly said. ?You?re right. But she?s not here anymore, now is she??

    Ash kept walking and when the elevator doors opened he walked in slowly and Pikachu and Lillith followed him in. Ash hit the button for the lobby and after doing so he looked at Kyle with a very hurt and sad look in his eyes. Kyle saw the authentic feeling coming from his eyes and believed it best not to say anything more. Ash?s mind had been made up and Kyle knew just how stubborn Ash was, perhaps Kyle knew more than Ash himself.

    In the still of a cold and rainy night all was quiet except for the revving engine of a speeding car. Down the main road of a city a small green Mirage was racing down an empty road at 120 MPH. The car was being chased by three more at rapid speeds as well. The small Mirage raced down the road without slowing down at all. The other three cars were catching up but the Mirage pushed its limits and passed 130 MPH. As the green Mirage tried to lose the other three cars the driver had not noticed a few spikes had been thrown on the road to flatten its tires. The Mirage?s tires blew up but instead of stopping the car lost control and since the pavement was wet and the car hit a building and blew up.

    Ash awoke suddenly from the terrible nightmare. He sat up quickly and found himself panting rapidly and with a cold sweat. As he calmed down and tried to catch his breath he looked at the clock and saw it was 2:44 a.m.

    ?****.?

    Ash fell back on his pillow and looked at the ceiling. It was a plain and empty white just sitting there with no propose which was exactly how Ash felt at the moment. Plain, empty and just sitting there with no propose. For two months he had that same recurring nightmare, it always began at the same spot and always ended in a massive explosion that always woke him up.

    Ash turned to the nightstand and opened the top drawer that was empty except for a bottle that rattled as he picked it up. He cupped the bottle in his hand and got up from the bed and headed towards the bathroom that was right in his bedroom. He flipped the switch and as the light turned on he squinted his eyes from the brilliancy of the light. He grabbed a small glass that sat on the sink and put it under the faucet as water poured inside the glass.

    With one hand he threw two of the pills in his mouth and with the other he drank from the water. After he swallowed the pills he looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn?t feel any weirder. The nightmare brought back horrible memories of past events that still stung as his mind wandered through them. He looked away but with the corner of his eyes he looked at himself in the mirror as his eyes became somewhat glassy as tears were beginning to form. Ash sighed heavily and returned to his bed to catch some sleep, that is if he could.

    ?Silver Dragonair be advised, there is a sand storm forming 13 miles from your due point.? The message was rather scrambled but Gerald read it loud and clear. A black MI-24 Hind military chopper flew over the Sahara Desert at top speeds. The pilot: Gerald Hillenbrandt thought about the sand storm but he had been piloting choppers for well over 6 years not to mention that his grandfather who was a Lt. in the Army would often let Gerald get in the choppers and fly with his grandfather.

    Gerald?s copilot looked at him with both confidence and wonder. Gerald was a man that did did not enjoy complications nor did he hold in high regard risks. Gerald was rather stubborn and when he set his sight on something nothing could stop him from reaching his goal. That was why Giovanni had put him in charge of this operation and also for the fact that Gerald was truly the best of the best when it came to Pok?mon battles.

    ?My, my. Now when did you become a gambling man?? Gerald chuckled and said as he steered and looked at his copilot. ?I?m not. But this operation has to happen. Nothing is going to stop me, Olsen, come hell or high water!?

    Olsen chuckled and kept looking forward. He knew Gerald would get the job done, he proved it not some two months ago on an attempt like the one they were doing just now. Olsen looked away and worked on the GPS to pin point the exact location of their due point. ?Ah, land this thing right about?there!? Olsen pointed at an old abandoned airport that was used by Team Rocket.

    Gerald worked the knobs and slowly landed on a concrete square with a huge red cross of even ends. As the blades slowed down to a complete stop a woman came from the command tower. She wore the traditional Team Rocket uniform, a gray mini skirt and a long sleeved shirt of the same color. She walked over to Gerald and Olsen and extended her arm in a greeting gesture as she said. ?Welcome to Command Post 53. My name is Sophie, I?ll be your third team mate.?

    Gerald got off the chopper and shook hands with Sophie and kept walking over but when Olsen saw Sophie he was just stunned by her. Her soft brown and wavy hair, those ruby red eyes, her soft yet confident structure, they way she walked and everything else about her had captured him and it wouldn?t be easy to stay away from her. Olsen grabbed her right hand and planted a gentle kiss on the back of her hand and said. ?Charmed I?m sure.?

    Sophie chuckled and turned to Gerald to deploy the information that had been entrusted to her. ?Last time we had a sort of idea where the stone was but this time we know where it is for sure.? Olsen walked quickly up to Sophie and walked along side of her as he stared at her and Gerald placed his hands behind his back as he listened in at Sophie and said.

    ?Fantastic. Where is the stone??

    Sophie chuckled and said with a confident smile. ?We found it and even as we speak it is being cleansed and prepared.? Her words sounded both confident and sure. Sophie led Gerald and Olsen to the control tower, the tower was quite old and it had seen better days. The front doors opened wide and Sophie, Gerald and Olsen walked inside as two Team Rocket members led them through a metal detector.

    The hide out on the outside was quite old and damaged but the inside looked brand new. The floors, walls and ceilings were a spotless white; right in front of them was a chrome like desk with two Team Rocket secretaries attending phone calls. The room they were in was simple; the only visible thing was the desk and the two secretaries who looked at them as they walked past the desk. Behind the desk Sophie stood in front of the wall and stood very still as she looked at it without blinking her eyes.

    Gerald and Olsen looked at the door and saw a small hole on the wall and from it a red laser shot out and slowly lowered from Sophie?s forehead to her chin.

    ?Access granted.?

    A thin black line formed on the wall, the outline looked like a door and seconds later a door opened to another room. This room was dark but several lights of blue, red and gray made it possible to see. As they walked in Gerald and Olsen saw a huge screen on a wall with a world map and several gimmicks. In front of the screen were three lines of desks together with computers on them and behind the desks was a glass wall, which was of course a one-way mirror.

    ?Stay put for a second.? Sophie said as she kept walking towards a computer. He typed in something and there was a sudden hissing sound as the one-way mirror become a two-way mirror. Gerald and Olsen gasped; they looked at several scientists in white coats cleaning a strange old stone.

    ?I don?t believe it,? Said Gerald as he slowly walked towards the mirror and placed his hand on it and stared in complete awe, ?The Sacred Stone.?

    ?My boy, in life we deal with all sorts of things. Some are fair, some are not but we must march on and stare fate in the face?and laugh!? Roy let out a heartfelt laugh as he set his cup of hot tea on a wooden table that held an old Victorian style lamp. Ash lifted the corner of his mouth as an attempt of a smile. Roy had called Ash the day after his visit to Kyle just to talk, of course, in the pit of a friendly brunch he intended to talk Ash into leading the team.

    Ash knew Roy?s second intentions but he had given this some thought and would perhaps agree, depending on how he felt and what he had to do. Ash gulped down the last of the tea and looked at Roy seriously. ?All right, I know you put together this brunch to try and talk me into leading the team. So?humor me.?

    Roy chuckled and got off the huge comfy chair he sat on and walked up to the fireplace and took a fire poker and shoved the fire logs about to spark up the fire. He set the poker down and turned to look at Ash and said. ?I?m not going to try to talk you into it, I know what you went through and I seriously do not want you to?go through it again.?

    ?All right, tell Kyle I?ll do it.? Ash smiled wickedly as he looked at Roy who had a pretty confused look on his face. ?What?? Asked Roy as he looked at Ash who got up from the chair and stood before him and said. ?You know what I want??

    ?Not really?no.?

    ?I want to ruin all of Gerald?s work, I want him to see the fruit of his hard work running at top speeds, just running and suddenly and painfully collide with a wall and blow up right in his face.?

    Roy looked at Ash seriously; never in all the years he had known Ash had he ever seen that look. The look in Ash?s eyes was both frightening and maddening, that and a hint of wrath. Roy knew what Ash meant by that metaphor he had just said, Ash wanted Gerald to feel the exact same way he did after the accident two months ago. Roy disapproved of vengeance so he made it clear. Roy placed both hands on Ash?s shoulders and said in a fatherly manner.

    ?If you are going to do this, do it because it is the right thing to do not because you want to avenge Sarah.?

    ?Don?t ever?ever tell me what to do!? Ash pushed Roy back and stood there quietly and furiously as he looked at his old friend right in the eye. Roy knew Ash had a bit of a bad temper and he also knew it was not wise to test him when in such a mood so he lowered his gaze and quietly said. ?I just don?t want you doing anything stupid.?

    Ash eased his gaze since he knew Roy meant no harm by his statement but the mentioning of Sarah was rather painful still. Ash sighed heavily and looked at Roy with a sweet look and smiled as he said. ?Don?t worry about me. Just call Kyle and tell him to call me and tell me where to meet them.?

    ?And Gerald??

    ?What about him??

    ?Please, please do not do this for vengeance.?

    Ash smiled sweetly and turned to go back and call it a night. He heard Roy mutter something and turned to look at him to see what he wanted to say. Roy gave him a very concerned look but Ash knew he just meant only good. As far as Ash could tell Roy had always been a fatherly figure to him, every time Ash needed something Roy was always the first to step up and help him, whenever Ash would get in trouble Roy was the one to help and scold him if he had any fault.

    Roy never had any children of his own; he had devoted his entire life to Pok?mon and training. After he met Ash he became fond of him and kept watch over him for the next couple of years till that very moment. Roy recalled when Ash was 18 years old. He and a group of friends had just been through a tough gym battle and after 45 minutes of intense Pok?mon battles Ash finally won.

    The group decided to celebrate so after hitting a club and drinking a few drinks they got into their cars and drove off. That night Ash learned absinthe and driving did not go well together, luckily he had just crashed into his other friend?s car and no one was seriously injured. The injuries came later when Roy had to bail him and his friends out for DUI. The following morning Roy gave Ash a very long speech about drinking and driving and literally forbid him from going to any other club, of course, that only lasted for five hours since Roy could never stay mad for too long with Ash.

    Ash smiled and walked away, Roy stood there and wished him the best of luck since something inside told him he would need luck and all the help he could get. Roy shook his head and sat back down on his big comfortable chair and picked up a book he had on the wooden table and began to read.
     
    I was going to comment on your replied to Katsuro, but I guess that means I'll have to accompany it with an actual review. Curses.

    In the still of a cold and rainy night all was quiet except for the revving engine of a speeding car.

    I'd recommend a comma between 'night' and 'all' to separate the dependant and indepandent clauses there. It makes things easier to read.

    Down the main road of a city a small green Mirage was racing down an empty road at 120 MPH.

    I'm going to assume a Mirage is a car, though it wasn't a good thing to say, as ther general reader probably isn't so car-savvy, and honestly I first though 'an optical illusion is racing... what?'

    Also, always write out number one through nine hundred ninety-nine (one-hundred twenty, not 120) and write out abbreviations (miles per hour, not MPH).

    The car was being chased by three more at rapid speeds as well.

    Three more what? It may be clear to you, but it isn't to us and it's grammatically incorrect.

    Suddenly the small Mirage lost control and collided with a building and exploded on impact.

    And, and and... only one 'and' per sentence, plzthx. '...lost control, collided with a building, and exploded on impact.'

    which let Ash know the caller was not going to give up so easily.

    How does that let him know? It you call someone and they don't pick up, don't you want to wait for it to stop ringing so you could leave a message? That doesn't make you a stalker.

    Also, the sentences in this paragraph became quite choppy. Not terribly, but enough that it became annoying. Be careful to vary your sentence structure.

    It was 3: 25 a.m., he turned to the phone that was still ringing and flipped the top and saw the number that was calling.

    Misuse of comma alert o.o;; You meant to use a semicolon here.

    317 ? 9879

    That's ridiculously close to my old phone number...

    Ash groaned loudly and finally answered the phone in a sleepy and growling like voice. ?Do you ever get some sleep??

    You don't answer in a 'growling like' voice, you answer 'growling'.

    Also, 'Do you ever get some sleep?' What? What you meant was 'Do you ever sleep?' I'm not sure why you twisted it, but meh.

    that pierced through Ash?s ear since he was partially awake.

    It piecred through his ear? Ouch. Reword. Also, what does him being partially awake have to do with anything? He answered the phone, so he must be awake, and you hear things even as you sleep.

    Also, you've started these last three paragraphs with 'Ash'. Bad move. It's hard on the reader to read the same thing over and over...

    Roy had seen Ash battle and was quite impressed with his strategy and power but what really captured him was the bond Ash shared with his Pok?mon.

    :cough:cornyanimeplotdevice:/cough:

    and saw that two minutes had passed by

    Why does it matter that two minutes passed? If it's ridiculously early to start, two minutes won't make a difference.

    Roy had a friend, Kyle Lowe; he was a Pok?mon professor who had once when in his late teens joined a gang of bikers who made nothing but trouble.

    Oy, this is one screwed up sentence. First of all, though the semicolon isn't techincally used incorrectly, it's not used correctly either, and I think it was coicedence that you connected two clauses. The first thing we're going to do is change the semicolon to a comma and change 'he' to 'who'. After 'professor' we'll plop in a period. Now we have this:

    Roy had a friend, Kyle Lowe, who was a Pok?mon professor. Who had once when in his late teens joined a gang of bikers who made nothing but trouble.

    We're going to change the 'who' in the second sentence to 'he' and put a comma after 'once' and 'teens'. Considering there really isn't a bike gang who doesn't cause trouble, we're going to take out the last part. Because the second sentence is now somewhat stunted, we'll add in a few words. Finished product:

    Roy had a friend, Kyle Lowe, who was a Pok?mon professor. He had once, when in his late teens (a notorious time of stereotypical rebellion), joined a gang of malicious bikers.

    See how much better that flows? And so ends, class, my seminar on How to Correct a Painful Sentence. Come again.

    the streets of Petalsburg.

    Petalburg, not Petalsburg.

    You're still having a choppy sentences problem. Do work on that.

    (God, this is long. ::whimper::)

    You're using the word gang over and over. Surely you could pull out Word's thesaurus or at least enlist pronouns.

    Kyle among others was arrested for robbery, disturbing the peace and other accusations that had been inflicted upon him. In jail he read dozens of books on Pok?mon and became a sort of expert on them.

    Two missing commas. First one after 'Kyle' and second one after 'in jail'. Also, you don't become a 'sort of expert'. You either become an expert or you don't. Novice, maybe.

    Finally, he wouldn't go to jail if he was a minor. Research much?

    but also a powerful allay to the

    He wasn't an 'allay', he was an 'ally'. Please spellcheck.

    ?Not even Team Rocket??

    As the sun rose from its sleep

    The transition here is awful, mainly because it is nonexistant. A scene break would be nice.

    To the north side there were the casinos and baseball stadiums, to the west, medical buildings and hospitals, to the east dozens of skyscrapers

    No real city can be laid out like this; it doesn't make any sense. To have all casinos and stadiums in one place would eliminate competition between parts of the city (important, believe me), and that said there woudl only be one sprts team for eah sport for the city. People would build up around the attractions, not many miles away. Contryary to this, certain areas don't come pre-designated as suburbs. It happens that way slowly over time. RESEARCH. Look at the layout of NYC of Houston or Chicago or something.

    Arlynuel City was a city like no other; it was broken in four to separate its citizens to accommodate their likings.

    Again, a semicolon doing a job it shouldn't be. I think this would be better is it were just a period.

    Arlynuel City was a city like no other; it was broken in four to separate its citizens to accommodate their likings. If you liked to live in the city any direction that included north, east and west would be perfect for you but if you were not built for the big time city then the south was best for you. Not only that but Arlynuel City was also a greater part country that was way more to the south.

    This makes no sense. At all. Do you mean it has buroughs? Why would one burough be better than another? All of the bouroughs would be in the city, so it would just depend where your forefathers settled.

    A man named Kyle Lowe owned one of the tallest buildings.

    Why are you reintroducing him to us? You just gave us his life's story.

    This wasn't bad before (just with some grammar problems), but now it's just getting annoying, nonsensical, and inconsistant. Please, put some effort into things. o.o;;

    a pleasant mix between the days of yore

    Days or yore? You mean lore?

    (It's almost over...)

    He was rather angry with a phone call that had awakened him at 3: 25 a.m.

    We know all this. Why the hell did you put the beginning in if you were just going to tell us again?

    The lobby, like any other, was very roomy. At the center there was a counter for information and behind it a gray door with the words SECURITY in bold letters. To the left of the lobby were the elevators.

    This is alright, but an extremely juveile attempt at description. It really doesn't tell us anything about how the place looks, it just tells the layout.

    Ash punched in the arrow pointing up and waited impatiently.

    He punched it? Ouch. Wouldn't that damage it?

    but Ash gave off an even more hostile look that was also quite intimidating.

    Your prose needs serious work, hun. It just doesn't flow and sound so... young.

    After a well 12 minutes in the elevator he finally reached the last floor.

    After a well twenle minutes? What?

    ?I didn?t think you would really come,? Said the man sitting

    'Said' should not be capatalized.

    suit that did not look like it cost him $50.

    Why would anyone think it cost him $50? Why do we care? Why are you writing in dollars and not pK?

    ?No force on Heaven or Earth could possibly make me go back.? Weren?t those your exact words? Yet, here you are.?

    Not a bad try, but a quote within a quot is written liek this:

    ?'No force on Heaven or Earth could possibly make me go back.' Weren?t those your exact words? Yet, here you are.?

    (Almost done, almost done...)

    Ash backed down, he knew the tough guy routine would not work on Kyle.

    This comma /should/ be a semicolon. You and the semicllons just don't get along, ne?

    as they ran around each other.

    How could they run around each other? moreover, how could the jump and run around each other at the same time?

    About two years ago Roy introduced Ash to Kyle Lowe, Kyle was very much interested in how Ash battled.

    Again, a comma that should be a semicolon.

    I feel like two difefrent people wrote the first and second halves of this.

    He liked his dedication, his strategy, and-- just like Roy-- his passion and bond he shared with his Pok?mon.

    Note the added punctuation.

    After a month of having been introduced Kyle began to trust Ash, he trusted Ash enough to let him in on a team of dedicated and true Pok?mon trainers with the same passion Ash had about his Pok?mon.

    Again, comma should be semicolon. You have some real semicolon issues... I'd recommend reading an online grammar tutorial... not just for the semiclons, but in general.

    (two more paragraphs, praise the Lord.)

    Why are we getting a life's story again? Why do we care?

    Gawd, when your sentences aren't choppy they're run-ons. Plese, read a lot of books. That's the only real way to learn how to write properly, and it really, really shows.

    And so he and four Pok?mon trainers started to go deep underground to where the scum of society dwelled and worked their way up to the top and put out hundreds of gangs, organizations and teams.

    Is this like a contest? How many times cn we fit 'and' into a sentence? I really don't have the intiative to totally revise this for you right now, so I'll trust you can do it... o.o;;

    Only teams he had to deal with were Team Rocket, Team Magma and Team Aqua.

    Um, yeah... there are no other teams in KantoHouennJohto.

    It's over! Yay!

    In case you can't figure it out, that's NOT a good thing for a reviewer to be saying.

    The prose in this was pretty bad, filled with inconsistencies, grammatical errors, and very, very basic vocabulary. Ash's character was slaughtered, and I have no idea why you didn't just create another OC [strike]whose life story you could give us as well[/strike]. The plot was mediocre, not too original, but dne sort of well. This was, actally, mediocre in every sence of the word. In ratings, I'd give it 3/5 or 5/10. Just.. mdiocre...

    And some comments...

    I realize what you mean about the personality but I for one do not like happy-go-lucky characters.Through out the story Ash will not remain angsty all the time. Just like you or me or any other human he will feel different emotions depending on the situation. Not only that but if you read in between the lines you can tell something happened in his past that saddened him deeply so you can't possibly expect him to be his happy/hyper self.

    Uh... none of that gives any reason why you shouldn't have created an OC. And, no, there is no 'in between the lines' that implies a bad 'past' (most of which we've seen on the show, considering he's 15 or 16 right now). So, actually answer this time... why not an OC?

    Kyle was a biker who caused a lot of trouble and when in jail he became interested in Pok?mon. Now some odd years later he became a prof.
    In other words Kyle Lowe is a very complicated character.

    Hahaha... please, don't flatter yourself. Kyle is no more complicated than any other bad-turned-good-but-still-sorta-bad stu. Furthermore, it's not up to you to decide if a character is 'complicated' or not. That sound just so conceited... it's annoying.

    Good luck, I suppose. Again, not bad but definitely not good. And again again, READ.

    (Hah... there are probably a few hundred typos in there...)
     
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