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The Secrets of Celebi

Have I improved my writing since my walkout?

  • Yes, very much so!

    Votes: 1 20.0%
  • Well, it makes more sense now...

    Votes: 1 20.0%
  • I don't know; it's still iffy.

    Votes: 2 40.0%
  • No.

    Votes: 1 20.0%

  • Total voters
    5
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Blizzard

The Quiet Winds of the Winter
  • 572
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Age 36
    • Seen Aug 1, 2007
    **edit: Deleted Until Further Notice**
     
    Last edited:
    He's full of rage and has attacked me numerous times. Lucky for him, I never seemed to get hurt.

    How, a Machamp has a pretty powerful attack stat and she's just a 10 year old girl. Even a low kick would cause some injury.

    I don't understand where you are planning to go with this, I mean the warmth on the snowy grass is something I don't understand. I'm just really confused.
     
    Well, you asked for reviews so a review you shall get. But be warned, I'm not overly shy with my criticism.

    Your 'prelude' is looking too much like a chapter. Short and concise, please. The history and any details of the main character(s) should be saved for the first actual chapter. The purpose of a prelude is to set the tone of the story and foreshadow things, not lay out a clear setting. More mystery and less fact, please. Remember, preludes should be short and sweet.

    It was a lonely night in Pallet Town. It was the night where you couldn't see the moon, just a sky dotted with stars.

    Meh, this sounds slightly repetitive, as you've got two consequent sentences that both begin with 'it was' and mention 'night'. If this is purposeful repetition to emphasize the stillness or whatever then it's not very well done. You'd be better of putting this as something like "It was a lonely night in Pallet Town, a night on which you couldn't see the moon; just a sky dotted with stars.".
    Snow was falling, and Christmas was close at hand. Children were outside playing under the stars. Christmas was just a week away, and I was anxious because Christmas was also my birthday.

    Christmas, Christmas, Christmas...this is really an unimaginative narrator we have here. Alternative expressions, please. This repetition, especially with the short sentences and abundance of full stops, is making this part a very tiresome read and is also disturbing the mood. Try something a bit more poetic/imaginative in the way of descriptions to give it a more christmasy feel.

    I was turning 11 this year, and I had just returned from my Kanto badge trip. I had only gotten 7 of the badges, because Giovanni was just too tough for me to beat. I tried my luck in 16 battles and I couldn't even KO a single Pokemon of his. Was it because I was a lousy trainer, or was Giovanni just a better trainer than I could ever be? Either way, I knew my day would come soon enough, but for now I would abstain from future attempts at beating him, in order to get my team into fit shape. My father had always wanted a girl, so he was shocked and appalled when I had turned out to be a boy.

    Urgh, too much 'I'. ~_~ This is precisely why you should avoid 1st person narrative unless you're reall confident about what you're doing. When played well it's involving and extremely effective, but in cases like this it's doing more harm than good. The last sentence here is also irrelevant. What does his dad's gender preference have to do with the main character's gym trip? Information like this should be revealed at a point where it's relevant. Also, as this isn't at all related to what you were talking about in the previous sentence it should go into a new paragraph. Incidentally, a kid of 10 conquring seven out of eight gyms is kind of unrealistic. Do I smell a gary-stu on the horizon? :O

    Of my four Pokémon, the one I truly identify best with is Moony, my Murkrow. She's calm and collected, and she is the only one I don't use in fights, as she's more interested in being a spectator than a participant.

    Too much information and too little progress. This is, again, a jump between two unrelated issues (His father's gender preference and his favourite pokémon) without any justification for it, which is bad. The lack of any activity in this section is also dragging the narration to a practical standstill. That's not cool, I'd suggest using a small connective sentence like a description of the Murkrow doing something to catch the narrator's attention (Thus justifying the switch of topic). In observing whatever the Murkrow is doing the main character could then comment something along the lines of it being typical for a calm and collected pokémon like Moony. This bit sounds like something out of an RP sign-up and doesn't really fit into a story.
    In fact, after I beat Giovanni for my 8th badge, I plan to become a Pokémon watcher in order to take a similar route. Somehow Moony makes me feel special, and it's almost like I can understand every caw, every sound she makes. We're like brother and sister... that's just how I feel about her. We share the type of bond that absolutely nothing can break... it wouldn't matter how hard you tried...

    Again, too much information. This is the kind of stuff that should be introduced as the story progresses. If you give it all away now, how are you going to provide character development for Moony in the future? You should always create more questions than you answer, that way readers will be compelled to read following installments out of curiosity. The 'unbreakable bond' thing also smells like Gary-stuishness. Be careful with that, even siblings bicker you know. ^.~ Incidentally, 'watcher' is a very odd term. What the heck is a 'watcher'? If you mean something different than a spectator then please clarify what you mean. The only 'watchers' I recall are the ones in Warcraft III, but I assume you don't mean those. xD
    Then there's my Espeon, Sunny. She's a little ball of fur, a very energetic ball of fur. I also have a Machamp named Fury. He's full of rage and has attacked me numerous times. Lucky for him, I never seemed to get seriously hurt. Then there's my Bayleef, Celebi. Why name a Bayleef Celebi, you ask? She acts as if she were actually Celebi herself... kind, generous, and always warm-hearted. She's also kind of vain, as though suggesting that she was a legendary Pokemon herself...

    I have to agree that I don't see how you could fail to be seriously injured by a raging Machamp. Also, introducing the whole team like this is a bad call as it's further crippling the tempo of your story. Kind of makes me want to scream "Get on with it!", ya' know? Please introduce your characters (Yes, pokémon also fall into that category) when they become relevant to the story.
    "Caw caw! Caw!" Moony cried, waking me from thought.

    "Moony?" I said softly. "Is it time to sleep yet?" I looked at her through my aqua blue eyes, her black feathers making a perfect compliment to my deep purple hair. I wore khaki pants, a plain black sweatshirt, and all-white sneakers.

    No justification for bringing in the character's clothes, seeing as how his attention is focused on the Murkrow. Also, please don't list stuff like that, it gets tedious and hurts the flow of your story. Even in introducing the outfit there should be some kind of progress going on.
    "Caw!" she replied, nodding her head.

    Finally, I can get some respite. Misery can't get at me as easily when I sleep, except through the forces of nature, which usually seemed to torment me even as they calm down for the evening.


    I have no idea what you are trying to say here...o.O
    I swear that someone is out there, looking for my head on a silver platter.
    As I lay on my side and began to sleep, I felt something touching my right shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Moony's amber eyes looking right back at me, her yellow beak to her side.

    That metaphor makes no sense whatsoever, unless the main character is a paranoid loony. Please use literary devices when appropriate, don't just lobb them in there for the sake of it. :\

    {In Song}
    ♪Good night, my sweet Murkrow...
    ♪You always have my guidance...
    ♪And you know tomorrow...
    ♪I'll bask in your confidance...
    ♪Moony, you're my angel,
    ♪I love you with my soul...
    ♪And whenever I'm without you,
    ♪I never quite feel whole...
    (End Song)

    You already said that it's a song in the previous sentence and the musical notes should be a dead giveaway. No need for the (In song)/(End song) notations. Your readers aren't idiots, you know.
    I woke myself up, wanting to see if Moony had begun her rest. I saw Moony's eyes begin to close and listened to her mumbled caws as she lay on her side. Wow, I realized. I sang it really well that time! And as I lay my head down to sleep, I felt a sudden warmth on the snowy grass below me...

    Warmth on the snowy grass? Not getting this one either. Again, an ineffective literary device.
    Morning. It's that break from the imminent darkness of the night. It's the knowledge that you survived another set of twenty-four hours without succumbing to the fiery inferno in the bowels of the earth.

    Am I the only one who think that an elven-year old talking about firey infernos in the bowels of the earth is a wee bit odd? Again, I don't have a clue about what you're aiming for. o.O

    Reaching it, you know that, though your life may not be perfect, you can and will make it through this harsh world, if only for a little while longer. Whatever had happened in the past twenty-four hours was now moot, no more than mere history. Sure, people would remember what had happened during that time, but it was little more than a past mistake, one that could never be changed. Those decisions will stick with you FOREVER. What's done is done, but what's yet to do, is still within your hands.

    This is a paradox. First you say that the past is moot and next you say that it sticks with you forever. Please make up your mind. There's a redundant comma after 'what's yet to do', btw.
    As I opened my eyes to greet the day, I heaved a sigh as I heard Moony cawing softly by my side. She looks so cute when she's asleep, I thought with a smile. I looked up at the sky, but it was still much too cloudy to see the sun. An inch or so of snow had fallen around me during the darkened hours, and it looked as if we were due for some more as the day went by. I could tell; the clouds above us were rarely wrong. Moony yawned widely, her beak separating with a struggle, and snapping right back shut. She blinked twice at me, and cackled like a witch boiling her brew.

    Mixed up word order with 'an inch of snow'. The 'or so' should come in before you add another noun like 'snow'. Also, since you stated in the last chapter that Moony is calm and composed I find it odd that you now compare her to a witch boiling her brew (Which is directly connotated to mischief). Again, keep your imagery relevant.

    I chuckled softly, and patted her on the head as I sat up, looking at the canvas around me. December 20th. Christmas was creeping toward us like the silence of a Mightyena, intently on the hunt for its prey. White ground, as far as I can see, I observed with careful blue eyes. At least, interspersed with the evergreens, each holding its own burden of white powder, almost as though the ground didn't want to carry it all.

    Silence doesn't hunt, you know, it's the Mightyena that does. So it should be something like 'a silent Mightyena', although the simile still sounds awkward to me. Also, 'see' and 'observed' so close to each other is stylistically clumsy since they are synonymous. It would sound better as something like 'There was white ground as far as my blue eyes could see'. The two last sentences, in their current state, are fragemented. The last sentence begins with 'At least' but at least what? You never finished that part. :O Also, if the ground is white as far as the eye can see then it obviously is carrying its burden, maybe the tree metaphor thing could be something more like 'almost as if they were trying to share the ground's burden'. Incidentally, 'white powder' doesn't sound particuarly heavy (A slight contradiction with the term 'burden') so maybe another synonym for snow would be more appropriate here?
    "Caw caw?" Moony queried, blinking and ruffling the ivory powder off of her ebony feathers. She had never seen a snowstorm before, so she was justifiably puzzled.

    Of course, Moony, I thought. It's snow, winter's softer, more forgiving version of rainfall. Every year, I suppose the gods take mercy on the sufferers and turn the rain into something slightly more tolerable.

    Seeing as how you just refered to the snow as a 'burden' I find it odd that you now call it mercy from the gods. Incidentally, I had no idea that there was a polytheistic religion in Kanto (Nor that the main character was religious), but as long as you elaborate on it later on I guess it's fine. Incidentally, if there was a snowstorm during the night then I find it odd that the main char and his Murkrow aren't freezing their buttocks off and suffering nasty colds right now.
    I stood up, and brushed the snow off of my khaki pants. I held my arm out, and Moony jumped onto it,taking her usual perch on my left shoulder. As I walked to the north, heading back towards Route 1, I hung my head, grabbed the second Poké Ball on my belt, and threw it out. "Go, Sunny!" The Espeon popped out, and greeted the snow with her usual, "Espeon Esp Esp!"

    This would be the place to bring in the descriptions of outfit and pokémon that I called redundant in the prelude.
    As I looked north again, a boy of about twenty years with purple hair, wearing white pants, and a green and red shirt, walked in my direction. He called out to me, "Hey, Cyrene!"

    "Sean?" I yelled back. I hadn't seen him in at least three years. He was my brother, Sean Payton, and was by far the superior sibling in everyone's eyes. He always seemed to have the luck in Pokémon battles, because he couldn't seem to lose, while I could start out with a bang and then take a headfirst dive and end up losing it all...

    A sudden change of tense. Please keep your narrative consistent, it start in past tense so stick to it.
    "Cyr, what's wrong? Don't you have your eighth badge yet? Oh, that's right, your wussy tag team can't handle Giovanni. You'll always be a loser. I'm off; I gotta get to Viridian to celebrate my ninth straight Kanto region title. Later, chump!"

    First, let me just say that these two have a rather odd sibling relationship. o.O This could also be a good place for some snappy retorts. The main char could lose eventually, but this one-sided insult bashing is kind of odd, you'd think that he would - at the very least- try to get the last word. Where's his seven-badge pride? xO

    He then strutted off - sauntering, almost - acting like he was the king of the world, with his toothy grin and his airy shell of confidence. If anyone beat him in a battle, I would think that the world was going to end. However, I know it's that arrogance that's going to send him crashing down to the floor...

    You're saying that this guy is 'acting' tough and has an 'airy shell of confidence' and yet in the same sentence you're basically saying that the main character couldn't comprehend the concept of this guy losing. What's the relation here, anyway? Is the main character a rival to his brother or some kind of crazed fanboy? Because I'm kind of getting evidence for both here. o.O As a whole, this chapter doesn't really seem to be contributing anything to the story, not in terms of plot or character development, and thus it's basically redundant as is. Please try to add some more content here.

    What kind of family steals your Pokémon and childhood friends to create "Pokémorphs?" And they do it... just for the fun of it (and most importantly, the "strengthening of the workforce"). Are they my family? They aren't to me. Born the second and final child of the new CEO of Rocket Corporation... (They'll say anything to fool ya now.) I'm not my father's child. By all bloodlines, I'm related to him. In my heart, he doesn't mean a thing to me. My Pokémon are more my family than that "person" will ever be. Half of my father's genetics may run through my body, but my soul remains pure and unyielding. Mom is a slave to his every word. She is a puppet and a wimp, more in love with his "power" and "money" than the man himself. As she is seduced by his false strengths (and, I fear, never able to break loose), I cannot let her fill my heart with sadness...

    Pokémorphs? Right, interest dropping rapidly now...this pokémorph thing is just a big, fat cliché, and the fact that the main char's daddy is involved in it isn't exactly helping it. T_T Anyway, you're talking about family in general, so adding the 'my' there doesn't really work. This whole paragraph is getting a bit over-angsty with the old 'ebil parents scarring the child' jazz. Also, if the main char's daddy is a big bad rocket wouldn't he force him into the organization (Or at least keep a close eye on him) seeing as how the information he posseses could be harmful for the rockets? If he's such a cold bastard I wouldn't put it past him to use the kid (Or his precious Murkrow) as a subject in the pokémorph thing either. After all, what could possibly be a more convenient way to get rid of the treacherous offspring and his antagonism? By the sound of it, mommy wouldn't really care anyway. I also find it silly for this kid to get to challenge Giovanni with his family relations. Explanation, please.
    Yes, I know where my heart stands. You are my family, girls, I thought, disregarding Fury entirely. I threw his Pokéball out, and he appeared, still ired that I had "locked him up." His fists pounded menacingly, and, in a weak but firm voice, I said, "Go; you're free."

    He stared at me for a second, then dashed headlong to the south, hopefully never to see me again. I tossed his former Pokéball home into the snow, and walked away, not a single tear falling from my eyes. Sunny followed sadly, as Moony looked back and croaked a berating caw, almost as if saying, {Good riddance!} It wasn't in English, but I knew she was angry nonetheless.

    This is too sudden. You only made a brief mention of Fury and suddenly he's dismissed? This is the kind of big decision that should be saved for later parts of character development, as the Machamp could have been used as a symbol of the main char's rocket past. The lack of internal conflict right off the bat is also wasting a lot of good character development material. If the main char is a saintly goody two-shoes to begin with, what's he going to develop to in the story, eh?
    Balance. The Legendaries, our Gods of the sky, sea, and Earth, co-exist in harmony, each pulling their weight to ensure that our world remains stable and serene. "Rocket Corporation (though always unsuccessful in their attempts)," often makes waves in the news for their consistent disruption of the Legendaries, the terrain, and the oceans.

    No offense, but Team Rocket doesn't give a damn about oceans or terrain, that's Magma's and Aqua's turf. I'd think that Team Rocket's primary goals would still be power and material wealth. Ecocatastrophes aren't really profitable. By the way, I'd suggest avoiding such large amounts of brackets, they make the writing look rushed and disorganized and they also act like interrupting side-remarks to the narration, which hurts the flow.
    But, as one would expect, the Legendaries (along with the help of one Ash Ketchum, his oft-changing squadron of companions [save for his best friend, Pikachu, the lone exception], and various others) were able to triumph over the forces of evil.

    Blatant over-use of brackets. Really, rethink this part.
    I sit back, though, and wonder: why? What's in it for "Rocket Corp." if they someday do succeed? Yes, they'll win the fight of good versus evil, but can they honestly say they've usurped the throne of the world? The Legendaries... what about them? They, of course, will fight back... Mewtwo, when all seemed lost, had to use nearly every ounce of strength in its body to fend off the Rockets when they attempted its re-capturing at its once well-hidden den. What of the normal populace; are we to just sit back and watch the world be thrown into the apocalypse, or are we destined for a different purpose in this endless struggle? What can I do?

    It just struck me that these are very odd thoughts for a ten-year old boy to have. Even one of my RP characters, a real angstmeister, who's eighteen doesn't bother to think that far. These don't seem like a child's thoughts at all. .__.
    I began to lie down, as Celebi craned her long neck around to provide a sort of pillow for my head. Then I began to realize the whole point of our race across the grass: Sean's Houndoom. I gotta get moving.

    Redundant comma after 'I began to lie down'.

    {Your empathy is unmatchable,} a telepathic voice rang in my mind.

    *Cough*Gary-stu*Cough* mr goody two-shoes really needs to find his faults, preferably in the near future. Perfect characters just aren't interesting, you know. :\
    The birth of a... My eyes widened as I thought... savior.

    Okay, so now he's getting compared to Jesus? Aren't you maybe going a bit too far with portraying the main character as a good guy?



    Well, it started out okayishly but the more I read the worse it got. Your characters are horribly stereotypical (The good guys are all really good and the bad ones are all horribly bad in the most stupid sense of the word), the plot is making less and less sense, and the main character (The only one who's gotten any chance to show personality) isn't acting his age at all.

    The narration is awkward, the topic keeps switching with little or no reason and there doesn't seem to have been much thought put into selecting expressions and literary devices or comparing them to better alternatives. All in all, I'd suggest reading the guide on writing pokémon fanfiction (It's stickied here) and also the one on 1st person narration.

    Also, please put a bit more thought into your writing, not only for the current chapter but also for the story as a whole and make sure to maintain logical coherence. Make at least one full read-through before you post a new chapter and check if it's logical for one thing to lead to the next, if the chapter links in smoothly with the previous one, and, most importantly, if it's adding anything to the story. If the answer to any of those is 'no' then you've obviously got to rethink it.

    Finally, try to steer clear of the more blatant clichés as far as possible and try to give your characters more depth. Complete and absolute evil and good exist only in bad fiction and the bible, and overly simplified (Dare I say one-dimensional?) characters aren't really any fun to follow. It's the faults and shortcomings that make chars fun.

    Anyway, hope some of this helped. If some parts of it aren't making sense then ask and you shall be answered. ^^
     
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    Since the creator removed his Fic, there is not really a point in keeping this open for now.
    Once you have rewritten it and want to put it back, feel free to PM a staff member to re-open this thread for you, or to create a new one.

    ~closed~
     
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