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The song of the mermaids.

Xion

The Jesus of Suburbia
    • 150
    Posts
    20
    Years
    Something I came up with while I was thinking of ancient times in poetry class.

    Who knows the song of the mermaids?
    No one out there knows.
    Everyone who has heard it,
    rests in the sea being for ever lost.

    Come closer, I shall tell you the song,
    don't tell anyone I have chosen "you" to know.
    It is for you, for you, and no one else.
    Come closer, closer, closer, I shall tell you what no one knows.

    Now close your eyes and feel the water,
    feel the water of the sea.
    Relax now and do as I say.

    Free your mind, free your spirit,
    you are now one with the sea and the sea with you.
    Relax, feel the song, it's for you, for you.

    There is no need to see, no need to talk,
    no need to walk, no need to breathe.
    Relax, relax, relax,
    You are dead...



    I got this because it's said that mermaids used to lure sailors to their death using songs, and since everyone to hear it got killed no one knew the song.
     
    just a small word of advice not to repeat a word too many times...but otherwise pretty good...even though i tend to edit the poem while i read it(habit XD)
     
    Isn't it the story, Siren's lure sailors to their death... or maybe sirens and mermaids are the same thing, I'm not really sure XD.

    Anyway, interesting poem definatly unique and I thought that the overall "feeling" of it could have been better, but the way you have it presented with the words and drtting makes it work just for this. Nicely done ^^.
     
    I like it, because it seems mysterious and luring, kinda like the what the poems about. I'm no expert, I just liked it.
     
    Isn't it the story, Siren's lure sailors to their death... or maybe sirens and mermaids are the same thing, I'm not really sure XD.
    Click to expand...

    yeah, they are the same thing.

    LiquidThunder, thanks for the Rep. dude!
     
    Well, repetition of words is perfectly normal in writing poems. ^^; I use it a lot in my writing. XD

    I think this was a neat poem. I loooove mermaids and dragons and that sort of science fiction thing. XD Your poem was quite inquisitive, yet a bit confusing. Although it's not entirely because of the frequent repeating words, your stanzas are just a wee bit choppy. ^^ Just try and smooth them out and everything shall fall into place. ^_~

    Good work yet again Xion. ^o^

    ~Kelsey
     
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