Thorns

oni flygon

:)
    • 7,901
    Posts
    21
    Years
    Another poem that I wrote...
    Well, hopefully I could get feedback from you guys...I really want to know what you guys think of this... enjoy! ^_^

    Thorns

    There she is, sleeping soundly on her bed.
    I was silent for nothing can be said.
    I was speechless, gazing at her pale smile.
    I felt myself weak for a little while.

    A thorny stem I could see in her hand,
    She held it softly with her scarlet fingers.
    I knelt next to her bed and began to weep,
    For the wounds she placed on my heart were so deep.

    I felt the crimson petals slipping away;
    They liquefied as they reached her fingertips.
    The aroma of the petals was strong,
    As I wept bitterly for it was too late.

    She looked so innocent and beautiful,
    Almost like an angel with that solemn smile.
    Yet I could see dried tears trailing from her eyes;
    A perfect being above the blue skies.

    Her hand was cold as I kissed it softly,
    Her once rosy cheeks are now pale and pallid.
    I could not help but let the barbs of love
    Constrict around my wounded and weak heart.

    How I love her so much?
    How I long for her touch?
    Her voice, I couldn?t hear anymore,
    And that laughter that I adore.
     
    a matter of comparison between your spring poem and this lead me to believe that you do better with non-rhyming poems than rhyming...
    interesting poem though...describing the impact when a loved(or very close) person died...not bad, not bad
    the rythim seems kinda awkward...otherwise pretty decent(especially the detail)
     
    Ooooh, this poem ish teh wonderfulness. <3~~~ I adored how you used a rose and compared it to life, death, and love. ^^ It really gave the poem more feeling and a better sense of artistic ability. ^.^

    The life cycle of a rose is played off in your poem in a subtle manner, yet you can still pick it up if you read closely. The woman in the poem plays the part of the thorny rose. She is ill, her heart is failing to keep her soul aloft on this Earth.

    As a flower dies, it wilts. Though if you look closely, you can still see and feel that tiny spark of life and vitality. Her love lingers like rain trickling down your back even as she slowly slips away.

    Awsome work Niko, I adored this poem so much. ^^ *stamps the "Kelsey Seal of Approval" on Niko's poem*

    ~Kelsey
     
    Mwar, it's so sad? it almost seems like she killed herself, to hurt the man who loved her?

    Mwar, if I got the idea right, ummm? then I'll be shocked XD
     
    Thanks for the review, Kelsey! ^_^

    Porygon said:
    Mwar, it's so sad? it almost seems like she killed herself, to hurt the man who loved her?

    Mwar, if I got the idea right, ummm? then I'll be shocked XD
    Click to expand...
    Yes... you're the first person to find out that this is also about suicide... ^^;
     
    o.0 OK, now I'm officially scared, I got something right, mwar :P

    Anyway, I like it ^_^
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top