With Me With You

[Greta]

Ok, I don't want all of you people laughing at this. I was in a really sad mood and had real deep feelings while writing it. Yes, its melodramatic and thats one side of me. I wrote that to relax.


I met you on a sunny day
I met you while the sun was shining
Inside I couldn't feel the light at all
It was just my soul that kept me running

You looked at me I looked at you
You turned away I did that too
And everything had no meaning at all,
but just a look into your eyes.

And suddenly I started falling slow
So deep I didnt get the chance to show
That my feelings for you were true

We kept on talking all day long
We kept on laughing until the sun was gone
I couldn't stop you couldn't too
We couldn't get enough of this
I couldn't get enough of you

Time passed the sun did too
Then comes the moon
as bright as your eyes that marked my days
Nothing could be more beautiful
than me and you these days

How happy must I have felt
What kind of joy this was that brought tears too
Thinking how our lives would be
With me With you

What kind of joy this was that made me know
That dreams are just too good to be true
Time passed so did the sun
And all of our plans were covered by the sand

We couldn't get enough of this
I couldn't get enough of you
And that's how it ended, painful but slow
Because you had to go
You told me this and I fell so deep
I couldn't even speak
And tell you that my feelings for you were true

But everything felt better when I thought
How life would be
With me with you

And you were gone away like the wind takes the sand
Leaving everything we had behind
Time passed our sun did too
And the only thing that was left was dreams
Because they're too strong to just fade away
Because you were never really away

And I will wait for you forever
And you will know that we'll be again together
No matter if its sun, rain, or storm
We'll meet again and think again
How life would be
With me with you

 

[Cybex Mewtwo]

Very nice work. I like poems based on emotion. And this was a great one.

 

[~Ozy~]

Disclaimer: I don't hate you, okay? I don't think you cannot improve. I don't think you suck. If any of the above were true, I wouldn't waste my time writing this. Now, to the review:

Hmmm... this leaves me a little conflicted, truth be told. Emotionally, this piece is wonderful, it really captures the reader and draws them in, makes them care. However, again, from the emotive standpoint, it leaves the reader a little confused as to what just went on. I personally was thinking, "Okay, I'm liking this, but what happened? They feel in love, it seems, but... Did he move away? Did they break up? Did they decide to be 'just friends?' " If you had elaborated on that a little, it would have moved the emotion of the poem up further still.

Now, the nagative aspects of this poem show through in the technique. Here, it needs work. You could stand to use commas in quite a few places. There are a few typos as well, mainly capitilization stuff, but that doesn't truly detract from the poem. the major issue was with your word choice. Occasionally, you were verbose to a fault, at times, too sparse. Sometimes, a line just needed rewording. There were a few issues I noticed with repetition (and no, I do not mean the good kind, your repeated use of the phrase "With me with you" and others like it is truly laudable), mainly when you wre trying to find a rhyme.

Don't be discouraged, though, okay. You have room for improvement. Work on your technique. I look forward to your next work.

Emotional score: 7/10

Technique score: 4/10

Overall score: 6/10

 

[Greta]

ok, thanx.
And I must add that this was one of my first poems ever, I think it was before 1 or 2 years. I can say Im a bit more experienced now. And another think I would like to add, is that I was looking forward to leaving a question for its end. You know what I mean? I usually like mystery behind poems, so I first thought I would try this in one of my poems. I think this idea is not good though...
I respect your critics and taking the time to write this, and yes Ill improve, I have already improved because this was long ago. Ill soon post my latest creation so you can read it and tell me what you think.
Well Im not an expert in poetry, because I like writing fanfics and short stories more. The fact that Im not a big fan of poetry might be the reason Im not very good at it. I usually appreaciate to write about different things and don't mind if they are good detailed or something. Know what i mean? I like my stories and poems to be good to look at and right and stuff, but I let myself express better if I don't mind about all these. But anyway, I think it would be better if I just followed your instructions.
Thank you once again and Ill have in mind to be a lot better. I never give up easily, and I won't do that now.