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H.E.L.P.-The Story of a War Hero

PoisonOwnzYou

//SEETHER\\
148
Posts
16
Years
  • CHAPTER 1- Starlight and the Dark Trainer

    "Pidgeot, hit it with a wing attack!" Shouted a mysterious man said, as he sat utop the huge bird pokemon, clutching hard to its long mane. The bird's wing suddenly began to grow as it swooped down on it's prey, knowing it's keen eyes will never fail it.

    "Fearow, quick, dodge it!" The man's oponent screamed, but it was to slow, and the enemy's bird was smacked by the far more powerful Pidgeot. And the rider, along with his steed, spiraled quickly down to the ground, and as they would soon find out, there death.

    "Haha," the man atop the Pidgeot laughed. "Another weakling parasite is now gone from the face of this earth." And with that he commanded his powerful pokemon to land on the ground next to their foe. He then looked into the crater his enemy had created, and then smurked at the site of crimson blood oozing from the enemy.

    "There is another win for me," he said, pulling out a small notebook from his satchel and jotting down a quick note on the blood-stained pages.


    Male, Pokemon-Fearow, Took one wing attack.

    And with that he returned his notebook and pen to his bag and recalled his Pidgeot to it's pokeball. And with that, he began slowly walking towards the horizon, tossing the pokeball from hand to hand with a sly grin on his face. And soon you could only see an outline of him, walking down the path as police formed around the body that was compressed in the crater on the ground.

    "Hukaro!" The officer said under his breath as paramedics carried the trainer and his pokemon into the car.


    ~~~​


    The boy was running from his close friends house, grinning from ear to ear. I finally did it, I finally caught my own first pokemon. He thought, as he looked at the red top of the pokeball he was carring, which was carrying the baby Starly he had recently caught without any effort.

    Him and his friend had been watching the black bird swoop in and out of the tree that was towering above his friend's house, and he knew that the bird had laid eggs. Him and his friend would climb up the tree and peer into the nest, that contained two eggs that they were plotting to capture as soon as the birds hatched. They had bought the necesary materials-2 basic red and white pokeballs, and antidote if their pokemon get hurt in the confusion of the capture, and a thick brown escape fope incase the mother staraptor returned to check on her babies.

    They had waited 2 grueling months, checking up on the eggs every other day after school, and every day on the weekends. But finally they had caught the two newly hatched pokemon. As he raced home, he was thinking of a proper nickname for his baby starly, and after a while of considering, he decided on a basic nickname-Starlight.




    This was my first fan fic and I hope you like it. More to come!
     
    10,177
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Well, you do seem to have a plot in your mind, if you wish to connect these two characters. So I know that you have your story planned out in you mind.

    Grammar was your weak spot. A few spelling errors that any basic program with a spell-check in it could catch. There was also the problem where you became confused with homophones, words that sound the same but have different meanings. "There" does not mean the same as "their" or "they're". "To" does not mean the same as "too" or "two". There's also the problem of not punctuating your dialog correctly. Follow the "Grammar Advice" link in my signature for a kind-of brief tutorial in that.

    Him and his friend had been watching
    If the pronoun is the subject of the sentence - he's the one actually doing something - then you use "he and his friend". I believe to be even more correct, it would be "his friend and he", but don't worry about that. Just use "he and his friend".

    I would also add that you need more description, so for a tutorial in that, head to this thread.

    And just to toss it out there, review the rules of this forum.

    That's really it. Just use the advice given to you to improve a little bit each time.
     

    The Infinite Devil Machine

    Obvious, with hindsight
    905
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Mar 23, 2020
    Why didn't they just snatch the eggs and nurse them until they hatched. That would have made a more interesting story and it would have made your main characters NOT look like schmucks. J/k.

    Pretty good so far.
     
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