Family Matters

Richard Lynch

Professor Lynch
  • 956
    Posts
    18
    Years
    Now... before you read any further, you really have got to understand how to take this in, or else the comedy of it might be lost and this will read as a grisly, sick and horrible tale. This is a twisted satire on songs about family, and how they always seem to suggest that family needs to stay together.

    First of all, I'm notorious among those I know for singing this song in front of a piano. I wrote the lyrics, but the music it's sung to is derived from Tom Lehrer's song "I Got It From Agnes" (my own variation, of course), but basically this song is sung to the highly up-beat tune of a British pub song. Picture someone singing this at a piano, fast and whimsical, with a huge grin on his face. That is the ONLY way you'll be able to understand this piece to the fullest. And if I could, I'd sing it for you guys in front of my trusty ol' upright.

    On a related subject, the following content may not be suitable for all readers. But I suggest you read on anyways. ;) I wouldn't have written it otherwise.

    It's called:

    Family Matters

    We all must agree that
    We love our fam'ly so
    And each fam'ly's different
    And quite sim'lar, although
    My family takes the cake
    For one that is quite strange –
    Not only did we split up
    But each death... we did arrange!

    My mother killed my father
    My father killed my aunt
    Who killed my dear old uncle
    Right next to the water plant

    Now he killed his daughter
    And did some things to her
    Well, this was only the start
    And it caused... quite a stir!

    My grammy killed my pappy
    Because he came home late
    My pappy's mistress, Bertha
    Would then share an equal fate

    Bertha's husband, Tony
    (A temper he did lack)
    My grammy died in her house
    With a knife... in her back!

    My brother killed my sister
    My sister killed the dog
    The dog had eaten the cat
    Who in turn mauled the frog

    My cousin killed his niece
    He used a great big axe
    He then murdered his nephew
    And covered... up his tracks!

    My cousin and my brother
    They both died in a duel
    We wrapped them up in plastic
    And then tossed them in the pool

    My mother died the last
    And she went happily –
    I shall say this was because
    She had been... killed by me!
     
    This is made of win.

    I'm so reciting it at Thanksgiving this year.

    I'll give you credit for it, of course.
     
    Back
    Top