View Full Version : Family Matters

Richard Lynch
September 30th, 2007, 8:52 PM
Now... before you read any further, you really have got to understand how to take this in, or else the comedy of it might be lost and this will read as a grisly, sick and horrible tale. This is a twisted satire on songs about family, and how they always seem to suggest that family needs to stay together.

First of all, I'm notorious among those I know for singing this song in front of a piano. I wrote the lyrics, but the music it's sung to is derived from Tom Lehrer's song "I Got It From Agnes" (my own variation, of course), but basically this song is sung to the highly up-beat tune of a British pub song. Picture someone singing this at a piano, fast and whimsical, with a huge grin on his face. That is the ONLY way you'll be able to understand this piece to the fullest. And if I could, I'd sing it for you guys in front of my trusty ol' upright.

On a related subject, the following content may not be suitable for all readers. But I suggest you read on anyways. ;) I wouldn't have written it otherwise.

It's called:

Family Matters

We all must agree that
We love our fam'ly so
And each fam'ly's different
And quite sim'lar, although
My family takes the cake
For one that is quite strange –
Not only did we split up
But each death... we did arrange!

My mother killed my father
My father killed my aunt
Who killed my dear old uncle
Right next to the water plant

Now he killed his daughter
And did some things to her
Well, this was only the start
And it caused... quite a stir!

My grammy killed my pappy
Because he came home late
My pappy's mistress, Bertha
Would then share an equal fate

Bertha's husband, Tony
(A temper he did lack)
My grammy died in her house
With a knife... in her back!

My brother killed my sister
My sister killed the dog
The dog had eaten the cat
Who in turn mauled the frog

My cousin killed his niece
He used a great big axe
He then murdered his nephew
And covered... up his tracks!

My cousin and my brother
They both died in a duel
We wrapped them up in plastic
And then tossed them in the pool

My mother died the last
And she went happily –
I shall say this was because
She had been... killed by me!

September 30th, 2007, 9:22 PM
This is made of win.

I'm so reciting it at Thanksgiving this year.

I'll give you credit for it, of course.