Pokemon Deoxy's attack

here is my story enjoy!!:

Proluge

This story takes place in 2005. Everyone was happy when Voyager 23 lifted off into space.
The reason why they did this was to destroy a space virus that could eat up and even destroy the planets. Voyager 23 shot the space virus and it concluded into a laser reaction. The space virus jiggled around and burned as it entered Earth's atmosphere.....
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Chap. 1 The begining

Mike and his 5 friends are playing around in the backyard at night when they hear a sudden BOOM!!! Mike says,"did anybody hear that"? One his friends named John replied,"I don't know what that was lets go check it out!!!"
meanwhile...
A family of Teddiursas and Ursarangs goes near the meteor and a Teddiursa touches it. The meteor starts to crack and an multi color ooze starts coming out. The ooze has eaten to much wires and metal. The Teddiursa quivers," Teddiursa." The goo then releases all kinds of eaten wires and absords Teddiursa into it's stomach. The space virus then morphs into and oozy shape and hardens into a brown human shape. The same color that Teddiursa is!!! The space virus is blind and has no face so it walks around the forest..
meanwhile....
Mike and his friends John, Rick,Steve,Jack and Dan run and run to where the meteor was ,they go into the forest with their Poklemon and finally they see a Pokemon walking around without no face an d an orb like brain on it's chest. Rick said,"What the heck is that. The Pokemon reached out it's long mechanical tenticles and tried to absorb us. accedently it sucked in a quagsire and started glowing the metal on it's face opened itself hands grew and tenticles grew out of it's arms. The Pokemon let out a electrical sound, "Deoxys". We knew this Pokemon was ready for war!!!

The descriptions seems fine. The paragraphing on the other hand seems to be ... not good. Try to start a new paragraph when you start a quote. Double space if needed. You need a little bit of explanation especially on the characters. For example, what's the background between Mike and his friends?

But overall, it's pretty good.

Chap. 2 Deoxys rage


Mike and his freinds sent out their prized Pokemon.
Mike forced,"Charizard use Overheat"!!! Charizard did and it didn't even scratch Deoxys. Deoxys flew into the air and used Phyco boost on Charizard. Charizard was injured and almost fainted. Deoxys then flew again into the green dark,muddy forest and used wrap. Charizard used slash and Deoxys tenticles where injured.Deoxys used Phsycic and Charizard fainted. Mike put Charizard back into it's ball and John released his Pokemon from it's Poke'ball. It was an Alakazam!!! Alakazam used Psychic beam and attacked Deoxys orb on it's belly. Deoxys screeched and hyper beamed Alakazam to the ground.
John cried,"Alakazam are you okay"? Alakazam replied ,"Alakazam"!! Alakazam used fury swipes and injured Deoxys more. Deoxys just flew into the air and headed for town.
Rick yelled,'guys we have to do something that Deoxys Poke'mon is in town"!!!! Mike and his freinds ran to town and it usually took two hours from the forest to go into town. When Mike and his friends went into town what they saw was many tanks and the navy trying to stop Deoxys. It is seemed that Deoxys has caused a war. The navy was failing to stop Deoxys so the Pentagon and FBI came in to help. As Mike's friends watched Deoxys was caught,sealed in a poke'ball and sent off into the CSI. Mike and his friends knew that Deoxys would escape somehow. Though they just went to bedat Mike's house. As they knew Deoxy has ecscaped.

Then what? ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Firemaker said:

Then what? ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Click to expand...

Firemaker, you have been warned for bypassing the 25 character limit!

Yeah guys dont bypass it. like *kills the charecter limit* so guys please don't do that!!
and here is part 3!
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Chapter 3 Deoxys escapes on the web

The next morning was pretty good. Mike and his friends went to school as usual. But during math class something unpridictable happened. We went into the computer lab for some strange reason. The teacher told us to go to this math website. Dude I thought it was for 3 year olds. Suddently a pop-up appeared on the internet wile I was playing the game times X's. It said," CSI warning!!
Everybody be guard there is a new virus on the internet called DEOXY749674BFG and it is highly dangerous"!! I thought it was just a dumb popup so I X it out. Though then everybodys computer froze and the computer screen started filling with popups. Spam mail was sent everywere and everybodys computer crashed and there was a little note there saying you will pay! suddently one computer started acting funny. It laoding and on it was written Taking form of Deoxys!! The computer morphed into Deoxys and took over the school it locked the exits, locked all doors andkept my girlfriend prisoner. I had to do only 1 crazy thing. I took a crowbar slamed the office window and went inside the office. Then Deoxys came near me and challenged me to a battle. I did not battle him at all. I knew Pokemon aren't allowed in school so I took a wrenchbanged Deoxy in the eye. While I did that I took the wrench, screwed off a couple of screws and took his Motherchip out. Deoxys fell to the floor. His motherchip fit in my Gameboy and luckily my Gameboy didn't mess up. I read all the data in his memory and it said Teddiursa Teddiursa Teddiursa absorbed Quagsire Quigsire Quigsire absorbed, attacked by human,Poke'ball, lost body and body destroyed, put into internet by guy, atta.. It sounded to me that Deoxys was pretty stupid. Though then I thought Doeoxys has a brain on it's chest. Deoxys walked up and tried to hit me but accendently absorbed in a computer and it absorbed all the memory from the internet. The APA broked the shut doors open and Deoxys was ready for battle...

I read all read all 3 parts and no offese, that was REALLY corny. Sorry if I offended you.

I have to agree with lil' jose
Your fanfic is corny. I mean...how did Alakazam learn fury swipes? Then, why are the people from the navy and the FBI so involved all of the sudden? Give us some details, man. Also, why did you switch from third person view to first person view? There are so much spelling and grammar errors and the whole chunked up paragraph thing makes my eyes hurt.

Sorry, but I hope you can take contructive criticism.

close this fan fic. I guess I'm not good for anything... I have to leave PC now for a really long time.. bye and someone please close this thread before there are more comments. See you in August :( .... Lil' jose please take me off your friends list before someone sees that an idiot is on your list. Farewell see you guys in August.... I hope this thread is closed before August. bye to all.....

You sure? You can always improve anytime....aww heck... *starts on a new 'Tips on how to make good fanfiction' document*