I thought i'd help you with the first chapter as it is one of
the most important.
Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
One day in the vast land of Hoenn,in Littleroot town in the house of Jeremy in his room,Jeremy's alarm clock loudly goes off.Jeremy quickly gets up and rushes into the bathroom.When Jeremy comes out you actually see him for the first time!He is a boy aged 13 with brown hair,about 5FT. tall,and about 99 pounds!He quickly runs down the stairs and says"Bye mom" and quickly continues down the stairs."Goodbye hunny good luck choosing your starter pokemon."His mom replies and Jeremy continues out the door!
Okay theres a lot of mistakes in this one paragraph.
One day in the vast land of Hoenn,in Littleroot town in the house of Jeremy in his room,Jeremy's alarm clock loudly goes off.Jeremy quickly gets up and rushes into the bathroom.
Lets start with the first two sentences. (I'll make hanako's job a little easier xP)
When you got past Hoenn, it all went downhill. You could've simply wrote, ...vast land of Hoenn, Jeremy was in his bedroom sleeping and his alarm clock loudly goes off. We don't need to know he is in his house and we don't need to know he lives in Littleroot down yet. Also space inbetween punction (E.G. commas, periods, exclamation points, question marks, etc.). Another thing, it doesn't seem quite realistic. When a loud alarm clock goes off in my ear, unless I
really need to use the bathroom or overslept from clicking the snooze button too many times (xD), I don't quickly wake up and rush myself into the bathroom. And again, space inbetween periods.
When Jeremy comes out you actually see him for the first time!He is a boy aged 13 with brown hair,about 5FT. tall,and about 99 pounds!
This I don't understand at all! Who is seeing him for the first time? Are the readers seeing him for the first time? That sentence is very foggy and doesn't make quite sense. How is coming out of the bathroom revealing his age, hair color, height and weight? You should have him looking in the mirror and then get into his hair color and height. You could have him step on a scale and reveal his weight. You could say what grade he is when he is doing his homework and then possibly reveal his age. FT doesn't need to be capitilized (SP?). Same as before, space inbetween your commas. One last thing, I don't get why there are exclamation points after these sentences. Seeing someone for the first time and finding out their height, weight, etc. isn't all that exciting and therefore the punction is irrelevant.
He quickly runs down the stairs and says"Bye mom" and quickly continues down the stairs."Goodbye hunny good luck choosing your starter pokemon."His mom replies and Jeremy continues out the door!
Okay, why are you narrating the dialogue? Why not simply do this?
He quickly runs down the stairs.
"Bye mom," he says and quickly continues down the stairs.
"Goodbye hunny. Good luck choosing your starter pokemon." His mom replies.
Jeremy continues out the door.
Period no exclamation point, him walking out the door isn't all that exciting. And the punctuation needs spacing as well.
Okay now we can move onto the infamous paragraph 2.
Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
Jeremy runs untill he gets to a huge lab and he stops and walks in the door.Inside he spots professor Birch and Jessica his rival!Jessica is a 13 year old girl with black hair,about 4FT. tall,and about 80 pounds!Jessica is also here to get her starter pokemon and obvoisly already picked her pokemon,the fire chick pokemon Torchic!Jessica is the daughter of professor Birch and always helps him with his studies,Jeremy is the son of Norman the normal type gym leader of Hoenn and always helps him with his training with the skills he learns at pokemon school in Rustoro city,The two know eachother well because their
fathers are friends!
lets start with the first two sentances.
Jeremy runs untill he gets to a huge lab and he stops and walks in the door.Inside he spots professor Birch and Jessica his rival!
Two much description for the first sentence. Your just making a "shopping list" of what he's doing. Write something to make the readers a little more interested in what you are writing, because I guarantee people will begin to lose interest about here. Write something like:
Jeremy started to run and eventually gets to a huge lab and stops in front of it. He stops and looks around dozens of thoughts traveling through his head. If you choose to do that, write what his thoughts are and how he is feeling about getting his first pokemon. Jeremy is not a robot and has feelings just like everyone else.
Then he enters the lab and sees a bunch of scientists and young trainers waiting around to get their first pokemon. In the midst of it all he spots Jessica. How is Jessica his rival already? Unless they have been pals since they were young and were always competitve, there is no way that this random person is suddenly his rival.
Jessica is a 13 year old girl with black hair,about 4FT. tall,and about 80 pounds!Jessica is also here to get her starter pokemon and obvoisly already picked her pokemon,the fire chick pokemon Torchic!
How is looking at Jessica describing all of this? There is also no logic in any of this. How is a 13 year old girl five feet tall while Jeremy is five feet tall? Also, when writing numbers under 100, write them out. How is looking at Jessica revealing her weight and exact height? If this is just some random girl, how does he know all of this? Onto the second sentance, a comma is needed between pokemon and and.
...to get her starter pokemon, and obviously...
Obviously is spelled wrong and how is it obvious that she picked her pokemon already? Is the Torchic on the ground next to her, is her pokeball in her hand, is her pokeball apparant? All things you could describe. And one more thing for the first sentance, the repititive exclamation points is bugging me. How is finding her age height and weight exciting? The second sentance is stretching it, but acceptable.
Jessica is the daughter of professor Birch and always helps him with his studies,Jeremy is the son of Norman the normal type gym leader of Hoenn and always helps him with his training with the skills he learns at pokemon school in Rustoro city,The two know eachother well because their
fathers are friends!
RUN ON SENTANCE ALERT! Why is the only punction is this possible three sentance phrase a comma? Separate Jessica's family members and Jeremy's family number. Also seperate The last chunk of info from the rest. This sounds very cliche and is dangerously close to just copying the entire anime series.
I've edited once and later I shall edit for the last time.
Originally Posted by cooltrainerjeremy
"Hello Jessica so how was your birthday?" Jessicas birthday was in September and it is now December, but the two havnt been in contact for five months. "great,how was yours?" Jeremys birthday was today!"It was awesome I cant wait to start battling tough trainers." Jessica shows him her new pokemon.they talk for a while catching up until it is time for Jeremy to choose his starter pokemon.He chooses Treecko the grass type wood gecko pokemon. "How cute" Jessica says adoring the wood gecko pokemon. "thank you" Jeremy replies. the two leave together as they travel down Route 101 to begin their harsh and long journies through the land of Hoenn!
This Paragraph is just so confusing. He hasn't talked to her in five mounths. Why haven't they talked in five mounths? Was she on some sort of vacation or did she move and if so, how does she end up in littleroot town. There isn't much logic in it. And since when was it Jeremy's birthday? Couldn't we have found this out before the last paragraph? Whatever lets take it slow now.
"Hello Jessica so how was your birthday?" Jessicas birthday was in September and it is now December, but the two havnt been in contact for five months.
Why didn't he call her and wish her a happy birthday? If my birthday was
five mounths ago and my friend wished me a happy birthday, I'd be really mad. There isn't much logic in this. You really need to think about how you would react if your friend wished you a happy birthday after five mounths. I bolded that word because its correctly spelled haven't. This is becoming a habit and maybe don't use the contractions or use a spell checker.
"great,how was yours?" Jeremys birthday was today!"It was awesome I cant wait to start battling tough trainers."
The "g" in "great" should be capitalized. I underlined the second sentence because it seems very awkward. Why is that so randomly placed? And Jessica is saying how
was yours? Shouldn't she be saying how
is yours? Your switching from past tense to present tense in a strange way. It doesn't make sense and if Jessica should say How is yours, isn't it implied that its his birthday? SHouldn't we have found this out a long time before now that it's his birthday? The third sentence is good, but make sure you tell us who is saying what.
Jessica shows him her new pokemon.they talk for a while catching up until it is time for Jeremy to choose his starter pokemon.He chooses Treecko the grass type wood gecko pokemon.
Shopping list again...Your just listing what there doing, first they do this, then they do that, then he does this while she does that...blah blah blah...its boring! Put what their doing into greater detail! The "t" in "they" should be capitalized. Remember you do that for the first letter of each word at the begining of a sentence, and for proper nouns. I underlined a trouble spot. Instead of narrating and telling us that they're talking, why not share with us their conversating was about? Even give us the exact dialogue. It makes it better.
"How cute" Jessica says adoring the wood gecko pokemon. "thank you" Jeremy replies. the two leave together as they travel down Route 101 to begin their harsh and long journies through the land of Hoenn!
The underlined should be written like this.
"How cute," Jessica said while adoring the wood jecko pokemon. Looks better right?
Okay lets try it again.
"Thank you," Jeremy replied.
Again, capitalzation.
Okay I hope this helps. Later i'll help you with chapter 2.
