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lordledge
January 24th, 2008, 03:26 PM
Is butter a carb? I know loads of people don't really know.

Legendary
January 24th, 2008, 04:31 PM
All right, this could be interesting, so I'll review it.

First off, the prologue changes tense, from present to past. Pick one or the other, or use some sort of divider between paragraphs (like ***) to show a scene change.

There are a few commas missing throughout the work, a good note is "Sir we need more time the candidates..." should be "Sir, we need more time, the candidates..." or even, "Sir, we need more time. The candidates..."

Next, as a note of redundancy, we have "Giovanni bellowed the words" and then "belted out the words", right after each other. Perhaps just say Giovanni bellowed.

More commas: "Very well, commander..." and "Oh, and commander..." "...when I get back, I am holding you..." etc. I won't point any more out, except to note that commas have a lot of places to go. When speaking to a person, the name should have commas on either side, and when you seperate phrases. Also, Commander should be capitalized, as it is being used as a name. Like what you did below with Mum and Dad.

Fix the chapter title. "Chapter I: The Next in Line" is better, as the words are mostly capitalized.

Kyle isn't a buy, because slavery is wrong. :P

The narrator should not be speaking in first person, because in doing so he also changes tense, "I must" being... well, not past tense anyways.

"5 foot 7 inches" should be "five foot, seven inches." unless it's 100+, spell it out. I'll note I'm amused by British spelling w/ American measurements, but that's just me being crazy.

Words like "Grandads" and "Oaks" should have apostrophes in them.

"his Grandson" should not be capitalized.

"But I," should be "But I-"

"...began, there was nothing he could do..." should be, "...began, but there was nothing he could do..." or "...began. There was nothing he could do..."


OK, grammar fixing aside, this could be an interesting story. I want to know why the parents don't want Kyle to be a trainer, and what Chris is gonna do about his lack of a Charmander.

IceDragon2439
January 24th, 2008, 06:08 PM
This is good so far. Legendary picked out the grammatical errors so I won't repost that. Can't wait for the next chapter.

IceDragon2439
January 29th, 2008, 01:30 PM
I think this was a great chapter. It was very descriptive and I could visualize most of it, especially the fight scene with Giovani and Kyle.

The one thing I saw was that when Kyle asked what ALex was making, she never answered and it went straight to when he asked where they were going. Just wanted to point that out.

Other than that, keep up the good work and I can't wait for the next chapter.

lordledge
January 29th, 2008, 02:25 PM
oh whoops did i miss that bit out wait a tic and I'll put it in, and thanks for the review =D The next chapter will be good as well if all goes to plan

beefcake
January 31st, 2008, 09:13 AM
hey cool chapter i really enjoyed reading this, keep up the good work love beefcake

IceDragon2439
January 31st, 2008, 04:18 PM
Dude, another great chapter. I didn't see any speeling error's this go around but I may need to look closer if you want. Can't wait for the next chapter!

lordledge
February 1st, 2008, 04:35 PM
Thanks i really enjoyed writting that chapter and my gut was telling me it would go down well, the next one is nearly all mapped out I'm just selecting the best challenges to use and the ways to describe them etc the chapter should be done soon, hopefully by Monday

vudu
February 3rd, 2008, 09:12 AM
3 thumbs up (how is that possible ?)

IceDragon2439
February 13th, 2008, 02:07 PM
Ok, I saw a few, here they are:

Atrefacts is artifacts;


hieroglyphics were ones that dated


Kyle’s back was against a large pillar, it had been three months since Kyle was first introduced to Team Rocket and in that three months he had changed, the childish spark in his eyes had died to make way for a wave of bitterness, the lack of emotion in his body language was mirrored within every other member of Team Rocket-

Make it: Kyle had moved himself behind a large pillar after climbing through the nearby window a few moments earlier. It had been three months since Kyle was first introduced to Team Rocket and in that three months he had changed. The childish spark in his eyes that he had worn when he began his journey had died to make way for a wave of bitterness. The lack of emotion in his body language was mirrored within every other member of Team Rocket.

It just looks a little better this way. Instead of having one large sentence, I just made it a few smaller ones.



Kyle’s mission was to obtain the ancient Tablet. He was working in a team of three, himself, a girl named Chloe and a boy called Richard. Kyle had ordered the other two to keep their distance and wait at the exit. Sean had just moved past the pillar that Kyle was guarding and now was his change. He pulled what looked like a disc off of his belt and threw it in the direction of Sean. There was a fizzing sound as the torchlight died and with a clatter Sean fell to the ground.


Same here;



At once an alarm sounded and footsteps were heard from all directions...

Changed where to were,


security guard's unconscious body.

Added an apostrophe, to add possesion;



one of the men who fell to the ground.


Changed them to the;



Kyle’s heart sunk;



Kyle cried as both men where knocked aside by the attacks. This allowed both Chloe and Richard to get free and move to Kyle’s side.


changed a side to aside and made it two sentences;





Kyle’s spirits sunk once again, when he heard more footsteps, both behind and in front of him, and there was no where to go. In seconds all three trainers where surrounded by both Pokemon and security guards, the alarms still ringing loudly.


added when;


back should be backed, parallelism with asked;


bellowed Chloe as her Geodude emerged from its Pokeball;



cried Richard as his Cubone used a bone club and knocked a Growlithe back into a heavy brick wall.


as Kyle ran forward, the tablet still under his arm.




suppose, but you would have thought he’d have told;



Charmander and Pidgey were both sleeping soundly by the large Oak tree, Kyle on the other hand was awake his eyes staring up at the night sky. The fire light was no more, instead it was a cluster of hot ash that illuminated next to nothing of the surroundings.;


he could barley make out the markings, the symbols were very weathered;




Oh, wake up Richard!” Chloe shouted inside the tent as Richard clambered to the entrance, poking his head out.




Kyle was sitting against the tree, staring down, hypnotized, at the throbbing red burns on his arm. They where the same shape as the hieroglyphics on the tablet. An odd prickly sensation had replaced the burning. However it wasn’t the pain that had shocked Kyle, nor was it the burns on his arm, but it was the screaming he had felt inside his head when he had activated the tablet, and it was something he couldn’t put out of his mind.





Yay! I did it. I think that was all of it. I hope you don't mind. I just think you should do a little more editing before putting it out. It was a great chapter, I really enjoyed it. I hope this helps.

lordledge
February 13th, 2008, 03:52 PM
Ah awesome thanks, the corrections have been made, sorry about that i didn't have much time to proof read. Thanks for the help and I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, the next one should be up soon =)

Light Yagami
February 15th, 2008, 04:43 PM
This is a very interesting story, can't wait to read more.

Light Yagami
February 16th, 2008, 09:50 AM
This story is fresh. Please continue. ZOMG. It's absolutely great.

IceDragon2439
February 26th, 2008, 02:07 PM
I thought this was a great chapter. I can't wait for the next chapter. Here are the errors I saw.




It was a clear day in Viridian forest, and Kyle was sitting in a large clearing, his feet dangled lazily beside a shallow river. The small waves embraced the banks before being wrenched aside and pulled downwards towards Pewter City's water dam.





“No I won-” Cindy began before she her legs lost their grip and she fell, face first towards the ground.


“Poliwag, use bubble,” Kyle said through a heavy sigh as from beneath the water emerged a small round Pokemon which Kyle had received from Giovanni. The tadpole pokemon shot a bubble (which was around 5 times his size) at Cindy, who hit into it and bounced, landing with a loud thump on the ground.





“You know something; you shouldn’t laugh, for all you know I could be seriously injured from this,” Cindy began as she stopped rubbing her head. She then turned to Kyle who was now pale; his pupils were so small you could have thought he had none.




“What?” Cindy said as she heard a cold and constant buzzing. She turned to see an uncountable amount of Beedrills behind her as she opened her mouth and let out a deafening scream.


No less than 30 seconds later, Kyle, Cindy, and Poliwag were running for their lives from a seemingly endless supply of Beedrill. No matter how hard they tried to escape they just couldn’t shake them. They turned, they dove, and they moved to high ground, to low ground, they went through bushes and through water but Beedril don’t give up in a chase.




Kyle turned on his heel, he was done with running. He reached for two Pokeball’s on his belt and cried the name of his beasts that dwelled within, the flash of light signified their acknowledgement. Within seconds the Beedrill had formed a circle around Kyle, Poliwag, Pidgey, and Charmander, all of whom were fighting for their life.


"Charmander use ember now, Poliwag keep up that water gun, and Pidgey use wing attack on the one on the left!” Kyle cried as the forest was hypnotized by the flashes of light and the orchestra of destruction as the Beedrill continued to crash in useless heaps onto the ground.



The battle went on for what seemed like an eternity. Kyle, Charmander, Poliwag and Pidgey were all exhausted and the Beedrill where still coming in the hundreds. Kyle felt a chill go down his spine, as from behind him he heard a scream. He turned to see Charmander in the direct lines of fire from five Beedrill and there was no time to think, only time to react. Kyle hurtled forwards, jumping across Charmander, using his chest as a barrier from the malicious Pokemon.



It may have simply been his imagination but as Kyle fell to the ground, the thick 5cm needles from the Beedrill sticking out from all angles of his chest, he could have sworn he heard a voice. It, however seemed distant, and it was echoing inside the deep catacombs of him mind.



The voice died away and Kyle saw only a blinding light. Kyle’s eyes were slowly adjusting to the bright light and through his clouded vision, he could make out a corridor. Kyle was moving, but he couldn’t control what he was doing. He was a puppet on a string as his master guided him through the pale and lifeless corridor until he came to a dead end, or at least what he thought it was. From the pale, dead, wall emerged a door; the handle gave a light click as Kyle’s hand automatically opened it.




The further Kyle ventured into the room the more confused he became. It reminded him of a very bland and pointless piece of modern art, but he kept moving forward until he was standing in the center, and then it happened.



Kyle heard an aching noise, as if the ground was going to give way, and then the center of the room began to move upwards. Higher than the ground, the small pillar which he was standing was going higher and higher, and the pool was no longer visible below him. Then it came to an abrupt halt and Kyle stood, alone, in the semi darkness. But if he listened as hard as possible he could hear heavy breathing. There was a bang as all around him people appeared, there were four of them in all. Kyle didn’t recognize any of them, save one. Giovanni was standing opposite him, his hands behind his back as he opened his mouth and began to chant.



And to Kyle’s utter confusion he found himself cry “Air,” and then the room filled with blue, red, yellow and white light. In front of them there was a loud crash and before him, Kyle saw the silhouette of a Pokemon so powerful his inside burst. He keeled back and fell into the pool of oblivion that was the darkness below him



Kyle bolted upright, his hands were covered in blood as his eyes filled with tears. He was sitting on top of the mossy, forest floor. He looked left to see Charmander lying unconscious by his side, he tried to reach for him, but felt a pain like no other. He clutched at his chest and fell onto his back and stared upwards at the small glow of orange light that was barely visible through the large branches of the trees.



“Thank god,” Cindy cried as she noticed Kyle was awake, before placing a cold flannel on his head and examining the wounds on his chest.


Kyle didn’t have the energy to say anything, but if he could he would have asked how Charmander was and were Pidgey and Poliwag ok, but these thought where ones that would haunt him as he slipped back into nothingness, his mind racing with dark thought of the fate of his Pokemon.

The main thing that I see you do is that you run on your sentences with commas. Other than that, it was great. Good job!

lordledge
February 26th, 2008, 04:07 PM
Thanks a lot! All the changes have been made and i do greatly apreciate all the help you give me, I'm trying to improve but i was really eger to get this chapter up because i hadn't updated in ages. Thanks again.

Light Yagami
February 28th, 2008, 01:48 PM
Ahhh, is the girl's name Cindy, or Chloe?

Great addition also

lordledge
February 28th, 2008, 05:06 PM
it's chloe cindy was from another fan fic, i made a mistake about it lol sill me X Problem fixed though, thanks for pointing it out

darkcowboy
March 26th, 2008, 09:08 PM
Dude I read your first chapter and I like it. I'd read more but I'm a really slow reader. you'll probably be finished by the time I get to chap 10

DragonairKing2000
May 1st, 2008, 01:58 PM
Hey man I'm a really fast reader but I really look for the main ideas of you story and its really great, keep on with the story.

The Beast
May 8th, 2008, 12:02 PM
Hey man, you did alot of writing, but I read it and I really like it.