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OnlyMaster101
February 17th, 2008, 08:28 PM
This is a story of a boy named Landon Chronic, Who just turned 13, when he finally gets his first Pokemon! The Story:


As Landon woke up, he heard his mother saying" Landon, come down, now!". Landon jumped out of bed and found out his mom was just watching TV..... But he looked at the Tv screen, it was Prof. Bell's commercial for his Pokemon student enrolling today. He was saying something about some of the Pokemon giving away like Chimchar, Turtwig, and Piplup. Soon his Mom said to him, " Go on, you need to pick your Pokemon before nine- thirty" Landon noticed that it was nine-twenty. Then he ran out the door and started walking down the grass pathway.Then he stumbled across Max, his friend. His said he was going to Prof. Bell's labrotory too. Landon said" Lets go together.", so they walked on and on, and finally found Prof. Bell's labrotory in Gitalory town, The town of water.
They went inside and found out that only saw Chimchar, Turtwig, and Piplup. So they chose hardly and wondered which one is better? Then Landon said"....... I want Chimchar!" Prof.Bell said" OK, here you are, he is of the Fire type." so then Max picked Piplup who was of the Water type. So then Prof. Bell said, " Well,since I have been enrolled in my Pokemon academy you need to have this, the Pokedex, they hold and record all of the pokemon you see. When you complete your pokedex, I will give some land that you can call your own, the personalized day care!" max and Landon shouted" AWESOME!"
Prof. Bell said" Alright here are six pokeballs, go ut and travel the world of Pokemon!"

Aegis
February 17th, 2008, 08:59 PM
Pokemon fanfiction has it's own section, so it doesn't belong in OC.

Moved

OnlyMaster101
February 18th, 2008, 09:45 AM
Oh sorry....Ill find the Fanfiction topic area and start one there.

OnlyMaster101
February 18th, 2008, 10:05 AM
Lets see how Landon catches his first pokemon in this part in episode one.



Landon jumped around shouting" Yea, I got a Chimchar!" Prof. Bell said," Now that you have your first Pokemon, its time to show you how to catch a Pokemon, I'll explain.
First you need any type of poke ball, like the one I am holding. Then you can weaken the pokemon with your Pokemon for a better chance of catching the Pokemon." Landon said" Sounds easy, I'll try it first thing when I encounter a Pokemon!" So then Landon and Max walked out Prof.Bell's Labrotory and found a tall grass patch near the town gates.
So soon they were on their way to getting a fresh start as a Pokemon Master. Landon encountered a Pokemon as it jumped out at, it was a starly, he got out his pokedex and got it on there before he sent out Chimchar, then he yelled" Go, Chimchar!" Chimchar popped out of it's Poke ball and started jumping around. It was ready to fight.
So then Landon yelled" Chimchar, use Tackle!" Chimchar ran as fast as he could at the helpless starly! Hit! Then Landon saw Starly lift up his wings and make gust roll towards Chimchar! But luckily Landon shouted" Chimchar, evade the attack!" Chimchar jumped out of the way of the raging winds swirling at him! So then Landon popped a Poke ball out of his pocket and it bonked starly on the head, then opening up, and sending a red beam towards the starly, trapping it inside. The Poke ball rolled around for awile, and then sparks flew up, Landon knew that he caught the wild Starly! Landon ran over to the poke ball and picked it up and put it in his pocket. Soon Max encountered a wild Bidoof and caught it. Soon they were off to Jumblee City to look for their first gym battle.

OnlyMaster101
February 18th, 2008, 11:21 AM
Landon and Max are having a great time walking to Jumblee City but they encountered a double Trainer battle, against youngsters, and they had both 2 Pokemon like Landon and Max. The 1st youngster sent out had starly and the 2nd youngster sent out a Bidoof. Landon and Max sent out Starly and Piplup! The battle is on! Landon said" Starly, use gust!" Starly lifted up his wings and flapped them around and sent raging towards the helpless Bidoof! Hit! Bidoof flew back and made markings on the ground when it slid.
The Bidoof fainted! Then the 2nd youngster sent out a shinx that was level 6! Oh no!
Then Max hit the starly with bubble from his Piplup! Then the starly fainted, and the youngster sent out his budew. Landon sent out Chimchar, and then Max sent out Bidoof.
Then chimchar used aginst the Budew and bidoof used tackle against the shinx, they both fain ted, it was an easy win. So they walked and found Jumblee City, And then they found the gym after resting their Pokemon at the local Pokemon Center. They ran into one of Prof. Bell's assistants, and he gave them both running shoes, they had notes attached that read : I hope you have a woonderful trip Landon,

Love
Mom.


He ran inside the gym and found out that a trainer was waiting for him. He was ready,
The trainer had 1 Pokemon, it was a budew. Landon sent out Chimchar, he beat him using using Chimchar's first fire type move, ember. Landon ran over to the gym leader, Fiona,
And they started the fiery battle. Fiona sent out a roselia, and Landon sent out his starly,
Then Starly used gust! It critically hit the Roselia and it flew back fastly, it hit the wall and fell down, fainting. Then starly started glowing and then it evolved! It was a Staravia now!
But Landon then sent out Chimchar and withdrew Staravia. Chimchar was pumped.
Fiona sent out Turtwig, and then Landon yelled" Chimchar, ember!" Little flames flew towards the TUrtwig it hit but the Turtwig endured the attack! But then Chimchar sent another blow of flames at Turtwig and the turwig stumbled down. Chimchar started glowing too, and it was a Monferno in no time! Landon had gotten his first gym badge!

OnlyMaster101
February 18th, 2008, 01:59 PM
Here it is Episode 2 part 1! If you like this Fanfiction, Thank You




As Landon and Max were walking towards the new route they were about to travel, Max said " Lets become rivals!" Landon thought and said" OK." Max ran off into the route and then Landon went to a Pokemart and bought some more Poke balls and some Potions.
Then Landon went out of the Pokemart and went to the river bank in route 2, and encountered a Marril! Landon sent out Staravia and shouted" Staravia, use gust!"
The Marril flew over a rock and hit it's bottom on the ground, which made Landon laugh.
Landon popped 1 one of the new Poke balls he got called a Great ball and threw it at the Marril was inside the Great ball and it wiggled around and then, sparks flew up! Landon caught a Marril! 8D Landon shouted" Yea I caught a Marril!" Landon ran over to the Great ball and put it in his pocket. Landon went in the tall grass and trained his Marril, a lot! By time he was done he had a level 14 Marril! While he was training he caught a Shinx.


Thank You for reading my Fanfiction be ready for the next part!

OnlyMaster101
February 18th, 2008, 04:26 PM
OK, Landon had just caught a Shinx and he is about to train it before..........


When Landon was about to train his new Luxio, a trainer came up to him. She looked like she was a gym leader. The girl said" Hi, my name is Hyata, and I'm one of the gym leaders you'll encounter during your journey, and before you go in the cave ahead, you need this HM. HM means Hidden Machine. The reason you'll need this is because of how dark it is in there. It's pitch black and I couldn't find my way out but luckily I had my Poke phone, it translates what your pokemon say and my Pokemon told me how to get out.
Landon grabbed the HM from Hyata and said"Great, how do I teach it to a Pokemon?"
Hyata said" First you teach it to your like drinking water, put the bottle in front of the Pokemon and if it drinks it, it will learn the move that made it drink."(I know this is weird but this is all I could think of, sorry)So then Landon sent out his Shinx and made it drink the HM water. He learned Flash! So Landon headed toward the cave, he wondered what was inside. Would it be a geodude, a lot of trainers, or just some regular Pokemon that you usually find in a cave?But then when he went inside and used flash, it was a plain old cave that had 1 trainer. He saw me and said" Hey, you look weak, I'll crush you!"..........
Soon the battle started! The unown person sent out a piplup so Landon threw out his Shinx! Landon shouted"Shinx, use Thundershock!" Shinx sent thunder waves soaring at Piplup! The Piplup was fast and it evaded the attack! Then Piplup used peck! But Shinx dodged and then Landon shouted" Shinx, use swords dance!" Shinx sent sords upwards and it raised his attack! Then the Piplup used peck again but missed! And then Shinx used thundershock!Hit! The Piplup was shocked and sent flying towards it's trainer! But the trainer saw that it fainted and he sent out his last Pokemon, a Staravia, Then Shinx got another hit and made the Staravia faint. Then all of the sudden Shinx started glowing, and Shinx turned into a Luxio! Landon had finally got a Luxio! For winning the battle the unown person gave him 791poke dollars for winning!

Thats the end of part 2, watch for part 3 coming!

OnlyMaster101
February 18th, 2008, 06:15 PM
Ok when Landon won he headed out of the cave what will happen next?!

When Landon came out of the cave he found a bridge, there were 2 trainers and they were hikers, Landon could tell. He ran over to them but they were battling, using 2 onix.
Then they striked each other at the same time and they fell down. It was a draw! They said to each other"Good match." Landon said" Hey, do you know where Rocksyth City is?"
One of the hikers said" Yes, it's right over that bridge." Landon said"OK, thanks!" Landon hurried over the bridge when Max saw him and ran over to him. Max said" Ready to batle?" Landon said" Sure." The battle was on! Landon sent out Luxio first. Then Max sent out roselia. Luxio used tackle and it hit the roselia like it was a budew!The roselia flew back to Max and then Max saw that it fainted and he withdrew Roselia and sent out geodude! Landon withdrew Luxio and Landon sent out Marill!Marril used water gun on geodude! Geodude fell down and then Max shouted to Landon" I'm not down yet, here goes!"Max sent out Wurmple! The Wurmple used mega drain on Marril!Marril went down!Oh no Marril fainted! Landon shouted" Well, take this!" Landon sent out Chimchar, then Landon shouted"Monferno, use ember!" Chimchar sent flames toward the Wurmple, making it burn in flames! The Wurmple fainted! Max sent out Piplup!Landon withdrew Monferno and sent out Luxio! Luxio used thundershock!Hit!Piplup flew back and bonked it's bottom,Landon laughed a little. Max said"Good job, Now I know that i cant beat the gym....yet." Landon said" Does the gym leader use Rock types, I mean it looks kinda noticable,Rocksyth City." Max said"Yea, he looks kinda tough."Landon said"Thanks a lot, I need to know." Landon ran down the path and found the gym in Rocksyth City.......

Do you want another battle, I mean that one battle with Max took so long, wait for episode 3.

OnlyMaster101
February 19th, 2008, 03:19 PM
Lets see how the gym is........


When Landon walked in the gym he smelt something, like a hot fiery furnace. He looked around and saw somebody with a furnace melting rock. So he walked over to the person and asked" What are you doing?" The person replied" I'm melting rock to make a new path for my gym."Landon thought wow, this is weird, I expected it to be a boy. Landon said" So your the gym leader, up for a battle?" The person replied"yes, I'll throw my hardest punch!" Landon said" Alright, let's do this thing!" Landon was pumped, and ready to fight! They headed into the gym and the battle started! The person said" My name Roxa, and I love rock type Pokemon, look out for my Rock Slide attack!" So the battle began! Landon sent out Marril, and Roxa sent out Onix! Landon put Onix on his Pokedex and was ready for it! Landon shouted" C'mon Marril, use water gun!" Marril sent drops of water towards Onix! Hit! The Onix went down! Roxa withdrew Onix and sent out graveler! Landon put that on his Pokedex and withdrew Marril and sent out Monferno! Landon shouted" Monferno, use Brick Break!" Monferno put his hand and went towards the Graveler and striked!Hit! The Graveler went down! Roxa withdrew Graveler and sent out Cranidos! Landon shouted" Brick Break, full power Monferno!" Monferno came towards and striked! Hit........ But the Cranidos was still a little away from fainting, and then Monferno hit Cranidos again with Brick Break! Hit! The Cranidos went down! Landon had enough, he was beat.

Scarlet Weather
February 19th, 2008, 06:05 PM
This is a story of a boy named Landon Chronic, Who just turned 13, when he finally gets his first Pokemon! The Story:


As Landon woke up, he heard his mother saying" Landon, come down, now!". Landon jumped out of bed and found out his mom was just watching TV..... But he looked at the Tv screen, it was Prof. Bell's commercial for his Pokemon student enrolling today. He was saying something about some of the Pokemon giving away like Chimchar, Turtwig, and Piplup. Soon his Mom said to him, " Go on, you need to pick your Pokemon before nine- thirty" Landon noticed that it was nine-twenty. Then he ran out the door and started walking down the grass pathway.Then he stumbled across Max, his friend. His said he was going to Prof. Bell's labrotory too. Landon said" Lets go together.", so they walked on and on, and finally found Prof. Bell's labrotory in Gitalory town, The town of water.
They went inside and found out that only saw Chimchar, Turtwig, and Piplup. So they chose hardly and wondered which one is better? Then Landon said"....... I want Chimchar!" Prof.Bell said" OK, here you are, he is of the Fire type." so then Max picked Piplup who was of the Water type. So then Prof. Bell said, " Well,since I have been enrolled in my Pokemon academy you need to have this, the Pokedex, they hold and record all of the pokemon you see. When you complete your pokedex, I will give some land that you can call your own, the personalized day care!" max and Landon shouted" AWESOME!"
Prof. Bell said" Alright here are six pokeballs, go ut and travel the world of Pokemon!"

*Comes out of temporary retirement*

In a world of paragraph-long fanfic chapters with serious problems and extreme issues, one man must decide between watching AMVs on youtube and playing children's card games in his spare time... or sacrificing his own personal happiness in order to clean up the forum. (Now would be an excellent time to cue the happy theme music and start watching the opening animation as ACC-M dons his reviewer mantle once again and flies in to save the day.)



Okay.... silliness aside, consider yourself privileged because I've been slacking off with my official post in the forum for at least three months (probably more if you count), and you're the first fanfiction I've decided to review for my big comeback tour. Let's start with the basics, shall we?

Let me put it bluntly: This is one of the worst first chapter begginnings you could have started with. Why? Well, partly because it echoes the game plot so heavily, not to mention the anime (what with Ash Ketchum's late start). Not only that, but you spend no time introducing us to the characters or giving them any personality, and that's a real pity because when you write a fanfic, who are you writing it about? The characters. What does everything happen to? The characters. So what about your story should be the most developed aside from the setting? The characters. How do you develop the characters, you ask? Well, let's start with the basics: creating a first impression. Obviously your main character is the one you want to tell us about the most. Now, in your fanfic's opening chapter what do we know about Landon's personality? Aside from the fact that he presumably likes Pokemon and is friends with Max, not a lot. Presumably he's a little more three-dimensional then that. Perhaps he's a daredevil who lives for the moment? Or is he more of a laid-back kind of guy? Why does he like Pokemon so much? Is there a reason he picks Chimchar over the other two? Is there anything else we should know about him? Your first chapter, while it doesn't have to be a treatise on Landon, should lay a little bit of a foundation of him as a character so the readers know they aren't reading about a cardboard cutout.

How do you do this, you ask? The answer's pretty simple, really. If you want to effectively introduce your character to the reader, show, don't tell. In fact, you may even want to give him a physical appearance. Though I've heard a fairly convincing argument recently that the physical appearance of a character doesn't really matter unless it pertains to the actual story, I'm of the school that says you really want to have a physical appearance because it helps to add to the story. Say you want to give an impression to the reader that Landon is one of those people who's rather unconcerned about their appearance. A mention of his unkempt hair or his torn jeans might help that. Perhaps you want to make him extremely concerned about his own appearance. Fine then, have him wear something completely unsuited to traveling out of doors. (This, actually, might make the story more interesting. A character who isn't the stereotypic teenage Pokemonaholic who has some sort of twist going for him is one that readers may actually enjoy more because he's one that isn't seen as often.) More then that, though, have Landon do things that show his personality. Remember to use words that carry a connotation that fits what your character is doing best. If you want to say that Landon ran to the lab and you want to imply he did it extremely quickly, perhaps saying that he sprinted towards the lab would be better as opposed to jogging towards it. Technically, you could assume that sprinting and jogging are two forms of the verb "to run", but each one is more suited to a particular activity and carries a different meaning.

Not only that, but you've put astoundingly little detail into your setting. If you want to draw readers into the world you're presenting. It can't just be "the gym", you've got to describe the building. You can't just say "the forest", you need to put a little more into it then that. Through physical description of the environment, you can draw a reader into the action. You want to make them feel like they're there, experiencing what the main character experiences or sympathizing with them. The best two ways to do that are to give the reader a sense of the character's surroundings and to create a believable, human main character with problems and issues the reader can understand. And for the love of all that is sacred, don't just write "he's a daredevil", "His hair was brown", "The gym was white and gold and had little angels painted on it" and leave it at that. First, form a mental image of what you're writing. Then think of the best words to describe it, and write them as if you were preparing to turn this in to your English teacher (or a publisher).

In regards to your grammar... I won't go into specific mistakes. Why? Because anyone with a basic grasp of the English language and access to a grade-school-level English textbook or teacher knows what the heck you're doing wrong here. I can trust that if I tell you to proof-read your work you can use the resources already available to you to do it yourself. I gurantee, if you actually apply something you're learning in your English class your writing will improve exponentially. If you're from a foreign country and don't speak English, tough cookies, you aren't off the hook. There is a stickied thread in the writer's lounge dedicated to teaching you proper English grammar, and in addition to that there are at least two non-native English speakers with perfect grammar on this forum. In fact, they're probably better at typing with proper grammar then I am myself, mostly because I'm writing this review in the reply box (technically a big no-no but it helps me think) instead of a word processor (which is where you really should be typing your fic. Seriously, having spellcheck helps a heck of a lot).

Finally, the chapter's too danged short for you to do anything in. You can't honestly expect us to be hooked after a faulty paragraph of badly-written (from a grammatical standpoint) prose and expect us to be instantly hooked, can you? I mean, when you read a book you don't get one paragraph chapters usually. Not unless it's a stylistic choice on the part of the author and the story is written in a less standardized style (which you can't use as an excuse, since stories written in that style really have their own rules and aren't as appealing to a wider audience, as far as my research shows). My standard reply is that your chapters should be at least four pages in length on a standard word processor before being posted. For first chapters, however, I'd reccomend somewhere closer to ten. For my part, my first fanfiction that I've posted was at least eight pages on the word processor when I posted it, and I still think I should've added a little bit more to it. Yours needs an obvious makeover. You don't have time to establish characters and setting in such a short space. Writing fanfics is like writing a short story for English class. You want to do the best job possible, and do the most you can in order to get a good grade.

Now, if I decided to expand this review and go over all the chapters I'd probably have something to say about the Sue-ishness present in Landon's instantaneous defeat of Roxa (who presumably owns several extremely well-trained Pokemon and has had time to develop tactics to counter type disadvantages) with his (by comparison) barely trained Marril and Monferno and your improper use of levels, but I'm borderline ADD and I don't feel like concentrating that much into one review, so I'll wait until your next chapter to comment on that. (Hey, I'm only human, and I do have a life outside of reviewing this stuff, ya know.) So yah, for now concentrate on updating that first chapter. (And don't forget, secondary characters like Max, Professor Bell, and Landon's mom need to have personalities too, no matter how briefly they appear!)

Well, until next time...

*rolls end credits*

OnlyMaster101
February 19th, 2008, 06:35 PM
I'm sorry, this is all I can do, I'm sorry it's just how I feel to write. I wish you wouldn't have done that but that's the way I write the next battle in the 3rd gym *spoiler* Landon loses, comes back again and wins, but barely!