View Full Version : My journey

March 12th, 2008, 12:25 PM
This is a fic If I was in the Kanto Region and I was gonna be a trainer. Ash is the pokemon master, beating all the Region elite four champions. He will be mentioned throughout the fic as a Hero and lengend.

Chapter 1: Vs. Electrode

My name is Matt. I am 12 years old. Today is the day I get my first pokemon. Early in the morning I set out to profersor Oaks. HE is gonna give me one of three pokemon, but you probably know the story on that. I'm gonna get a Bulbasaur. I Reached the profesor's house and went inside. " Profesor, Hey profesor Oak, I'm here to get my pokemon!" I said. Oak came out of a room and saw me. "Hello Matt. Are you ready to get a pokemon?" He asked me. "You bet" I said. He took me to a room and There were 3 pokeballs. Pokeballs were more advanced now, with better catch rates. There was also a spirit of the pokemon and the top of the ball. "Alright, pick one!" Oak said. I grabed the ball with the Bulbasaur spirit on it and presed it. The ball opened and red energy shot a Bulbasaur out. "Hey Bulbasaur, Im Matt, your trainer!" I said. Bulasaur just stared at me. "Bulbasaur" IT said. Bulbasaur got his vinewhips out and started poking my back. "Hahaha" I laughed.

"Okay, Bye Profesor Oak" I said. "Goodbye Matt. I gave you a pokedex and ten pokeballs. Now catch all you can. The'll be sent here when your party's full." He said. I walked out and began to walk to Viridian City. There was a Gym there. I heard the original leader was a criminal. After that and Elite Four member subed as the leader for a while, but now, some guy named Poparo was the new leader. I got into the woods, neer Viridian City. A pidgey, jumped out at me. "Go Bulbasaur" I said, geting Bulbasaur out. "Bulbasaur" it said. "Bulbasaur, vinewhip" I said. Bulbasaur drew out its vines and slaped Pidgey many times. "Now, razor leaf!" I said. Bulbasaur shot leafes out and it hit pidgey. I threw a pokeball. It glew and rocked back and forth. IT beeped and I cought Pidgey. "Yes,welcome to the team pidgey!" I said. I got into Viridian city and went to the pokemon center. After my team was healed we went to train. After training I knew there atacks good. Bulbasaur knew tackle,razor leaf, vine whip, and sleep powder, while Pidgey knew gust, tackle, peck and quick attack.

I went out to the gym. I entered into a large room with a stadium. "Hello, is the Gym Leader here?" I yelled out. "Hello, I am Poparo the Gym Leader, you want a badge?" Poparo asked. "Yes" I said. He was a tall man, with a black leather jacket and black jeans. He had white hair. "Alright, lets battle" He said. "Go, Electrode" he said. A pokemon that looked like an upside down pokeball came out. I pulled out my pokedex and it scanned it, it told me, "Electrode is an electric pokemon. It is the evolved form of Voltorb. It uses moves by it's shape, such as rollout and Volt-Tackle". "Go, Bulbasaur" I said, throwing Bulbasaur out. "You can go" Poparo said. "Use Razor-Leaf" I said. It shot leafes out of its bulb at Electrode. "Electrode, Volt-Tackle" Poparo said. Electrode was covered in electricity and rolled toward Bulbasaur. the Razor Leafes bouned of Electrode and it tackled Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur was thrown against the wall and black X's were in it's eyes. "Return" I said, puting Bulbasaur back in its ball. "Your pathetic" Poparo said. "Go, Pidgey" I said. Pidgey came out of its ball and looked ready to fight. "Bad choice, flying pokemon are weak against electrics." He said. "Gust, Pidgey" I said. Pidgey threw a blast of wind at Electrode. "Electrode, Thunderbolt" Poparo said. Electrode threw a blast of thunder at Pidgey, knocking it out. I put Pidgey back in it's ball. "Your Pathetic, you need to start thinking. What did you start becoming a trainer today?" Poparo asked. "Well, actualy yesterday" I said. "Get out of my Gym, If you can win the other 7 badges, I'll face you" He said.

April 9th, 2008, 4:50 PM
It is a good story so far. You have a few spelling errors and you might want to be a bit more descriiptive. Other, then that I look forward to hearing more from you.

Post Office Buddy
April 9th, 2008, 6:09 PM
I'm interested in the first person thing as not very many fics I have read are told from that point of view. You could do a better job with this, though.

A lot of beginning writers on these forums make a simple mistake: not separating dialog between two characters into separate paragraphs. The general rule of thumb is that if you have one person speak in a paragraph, lets say the first paragraph, then if anyone other than that person speaks then you must begin a new paragraph. For example:

"How was your day, Jake?" Jake's mother asked. "You weren't looking so good today."

"Oh, it was alright," Jake replied. "Some kids at school made fun of my Pichu. They said it was too much of a baby to compete."

"Don't worry about that," Jake's mom cooed, running her hand through Jake's soft hair. "They're just insecure about their own Pokemon, so they pick on your Pichu to make themselves feel better."

"Thanks mom," Jake said, sniffling. "You always know how to make me feel better."

Now, I kind of carried that on a little longer than needed, but it was a good example nonetheless. Basically, if someone new talks, begin a new paragraph.

Other than that, a little more description and perhaps some more dialog would make your story much better. I look forward to seeing you improve.