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View Full Version : Possible first chapter(please criticize(be nice it is my fist one))


Buoysel
June 30th, 2008, 05:37 AM
i know that it lacks a LOT of description but i would like you to tell me what you think of the story and if you spot any grammar errors.



have not decided on a title yet sorry for the disappoint.


“It’s time to get up.” called a loving voice.
“I don’t want to.” came a reply from the young Buizel.
“Buizel, if I have to come in there you are going to get it.” this time the voice was more stern.
“All right, I’m up, I’m up.” said Buizel as he emerged from the earthen chamber that could be called his home. It was a simple den that was dug in the ground next to the biggest tree in the valley. The entrance was just big enough for his mother, a Floatzel, to fit in. Once inside there was more than enough room for Buizel and his mother to move around without disturbing each outers sleep. The walls were brown just like the earth. Scratch marks made by a Pokémon claws were still visible in the walls form were the din was originally dug.
As Buizel eyes adjusted to the bright light of the outside world he saw his mother had already gathered some berries. She sat a few feet away and was already eating her share.
“No fish?” Buizel asked, as he approached his mother, but he already knew the answer, it was the same every time he asked.
“You know as well as I do,” Floatzel began on her well rehearsed answer, “that there are no longer fish in the riv...”
“I know,” Buizel cut his mother off in mid sentences, “I was just hoping.” He trailed off.
“Me too” she replied in a saddened tone.
They both knew that there no fish, there hadn’t been for a month. How Buizel long for the tasted of meet. He would even settle for a Magikarp, even though he hated the taste, it reminded him of a mouth full of dirt. That was if you could get though the skin that was super hard. He had watched his mom do it once by smashing it against a rock several times, and he thought he could do it.
After they both had what they could take of the mixed berries Floatzel told Buizel to go practice his swimming at the river.
“I do that every day.” complained Buizel, “Don’t you think I can swim well enough yet?”
“No, otherwise I wouldn’t have you do it every day.” she said in a scornful voice, “Now go, hurry up, and remember I will be watching, so do it right.”
Without further argument Buizel turned around and began walking to the river.
“I love you.” Floatzel yelled as Buizel was heading to the river.
“Yah sure” he replied as he walked away, “me too.”
It did not take long for him to reach the river. He jumped in and began spun his tail at a high speed like a propeller, this is how he swam. He stared his normal exercises that his mother had shown him two months ago, up, down, side to side, and back and forth. He quickly grew tired of this. Suddenly he noticed something swimming at him at a very high rate of speed. It was, more than one thing it was, a whole group of things!

------

Floatzel was already searching for some berries for lunch. It was still early Moring but it would take most of her day to find enough to feed her and her son. Since the fish had vanished the only source of food in the valley was berries, and all the other Pokémon ate them as well. This amount of pressure on the berries made it hard for them to reproduce, which made it hard for the Pokémon to find enough to feed themselves and their young.
Less than twenty minutes had passed when all of a sudden there was a great uproar coming from the center of the valley, where the river was, and her son

JX Valentine
June 30th, 2008, 06:36 AM
“It’s time to get up,” called a loving voice.

This is going to sound weird, but whenever you write a quote and will be adding a dialogue tag after it (the "called a loving voice" or "said John Doe" or what have you), then you actually need to punctuate either the tag or the quote with a comma, depending on which quote is associated with the tag and who comes first. The reason why is because the sentence doesn't end with the closing quotes (or with the end of the tag, if that comes first). It goes into the quote (or tag) until that ends.

To give you a better idea of what I mean, read this (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_quote.html).

Also, because you do this repeatedly, I'll just bold whatever commas I find along the way.

“I don’t want to,” came a reply from the young Buizel.

I would recommend just saying "replied the young Buizel." The reason why is because you're going to have to work awkwardly to turn "came" into the introduction word for a dialogue tag. A dialogue tag usually begins or features the speaking word (reply, say, explain, comment, ask, exclaim, that kind of thing) as its main verb.

“Buizel, if I have to come in there, you are going to get it.” This time the voice was more stern.

1. The reason why I added a comma after "there" is because this is an introduction clause of more than four words. Basically, you can take that part out, and the rest is a full sentence. Hence, because it's at the beginning, it's called an introduction clause. Additionally, introduction clauses of more than four words get a comma because you'll want to separate a long clause from the main sentence so as not to confuse the reader.

2. "This" is capitalized because this isn't a dialogue tag. You can tell because those speaking words aren't in here. Instead, you have a full sentence on your hands.

3. There's more than one voice here, so you may want to clarify.

“All right, I’m up, I’m up,” said Buizel as he emerged from the earthen chamber that could be called his home.

Put this in its own paragraph and start in on the next one. You're changing from the topic of having Buizel speak to the topic of what the home looked like.

It was a simple den that was dug in the ground next to the biggest tree in the valley.

As a note, but we're talking about a Water-type, otter-like species here. They'd most likely be living right next to a body of water, so unless there's a river in this valley...

The walls were brown just like the earth.

I'm hoping they're brown. (As in, you may want to rephrase this because most likely, the walls are earth.)

were the din

Were = past-tense verb.
Where = place.

You want "where" in this case.

Also...

Din = loud noises, ruckus, commotion.
Den = animal's place of dwelling.

In general, be very careful about words like these, and be sure to reread your story carefully to ensure that everything is correct.

was originally dug.

Had been originally dug. Any action that takes place before the past actually takes the "had been" form. That is, this story takes place in the past. You're talking about something before the past, so to separate it, you need a different tense.

To explain this a bit better, Wikipedia can give you an idea (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluperfect).

Also, as a note, browsers don't recognize indentations for paragraphs, be they tabbed or a couple of spaces. You'll need to separate paragraphs by hitting the enter key twice between each one. Otherwise, your work looks like a block of text.

As Buizel's eyes

This is a possessive. Basically, the eyes belong to Buizel. So, you need to indicate that with an apostrophe and an S.

adjusted to the bright light of the outside world[/b],[/b] he saw his mother had already gathered some berries.

Pausing to point out the comma. Same as before.

“No fish?” Buizel asked, as he approached his mother, but he already knew the answer. It was the same every time he asked.

You need a period here because otherwise, you have a run-on. Basically, notice how, if I insert a period where the comma is, I get two complete sentences? That means you'll need to punctuate them as either two complete sentences or a compound sentence to avoid a run-on (which often makes a work sound awkward). Try this (inserting a period where a comma is) for every sentence in which you would use a comma to check to see if you've avoided a run-on.

“I know,” Buizel cut his mother off in mid sentence.

Sentence because he's only cutting her off in one sentence. Otherwise, his interruptions would be all over the place.

Also, this actually needs a period, not a comma, at the end of its dialogue tag. The reason why is simple. Take out the quotation marks, the comma after "know," and the dialogue tag. Notice how you get a run-on as a result?

Lastly, the dialogue tag... isn't actually one. Right now, the part between the quotes actually stands as its own, complete sentence because it doesn't really contain a speaking word as its main verb. I would suggest simply saying "Buizel interrupted" because "interrupt" can be used as a speaking word. That and it's just less wordy and avoids using a verbal cliche ("cutting someone off").

“Me too,” she replied in a saddened tone.

Pausing to note the comma. Same as far above.

They both knew that there no fish. There hadn’t been any for a month.

I inserted the word "any" at this point. Read the second sentence in this part aloud without the "any." Notice how it doesn't sound quite right? You can add "any" (in this case, a pronoun that refers to the word "fish") to complete the sentence by showing what hasn't been.

In general, read your sentences aloud as you proofread. You can catch more awkward pieces that way.

How Buizel longed for the taste of meat.

Meet = to come in contact with someone.
Meat = flesh that you eat.

In general, please, please proofread your work. You'll be less likely to have an awkward sentence like this. You forget to write the main verb ("longed") in the correct tense, you attempt to turn a noun ("taste") into a verb ("tasted"), and you use the wrong homophone ("meet" instead of "meat"). All or most of this can be avoided simply by rereading your work at least a day after you write it.

He would even settle for a Magikarp, even though he hated the taste. It reminded him of a mouth full of dirt. That was if you could get though the skin that was super hard.

To what? Canonically, Magikarp are mentioned (in the anime, at least) as being nothing but scales and bone.

Additionally, it's not the skin of the fish that's super hard. It the scales.

After they both had what they could take of the mixed berries Floatzel told Buizel to go practice his swimming at the river.

Where exactly was the river? Right next to them? A distance away?

“I do that every day,” complained Buizel.

First off, period at the end here. It's pretty much the same I've said for quotes that end up becoming run-ons above.

Second, I don't know. I feel as if this quote is just serving to tell the reader Buizel's daily routine, rather than to actually build up to the plot.

Never mind the fact that I'm pretty sure otters are natural swimmers anyway. (Water-types tend to be either way. Except Misty's Psyduck for some reason.)

“No. Otherwise I wouldn’t have you do it every day.” She said in a scornful voice, “Now go, hurry up, and remember I will be watching, so do it right.”

1. Because "no" is its own, separate answer, it's actually not serving as an introduction word and needs to be in its own sentence.

2. I just capitalized the S to make it an easy transition into being correct. Otherwise, you would replace the period after "day" with a comma and replace the comma after "voice" with a period.

“I love you!”

Because this is being yelled, you can actually just use an exclamation point. Otherwise, you'd need to punctuate this with a comma for the same reasons I've stated at the beginning.

“Yeah, sure,”

There's no such word as "yah," but people keep using it. If you pronounced that word, it would actually sound a lot like it had the A in "caw."

Also, yes, comma between the two words to separate two affirmatives.

he replied as he walked away. “Me too.”

Noting the periods. Please proofread.

began spun his tail

Yet another reason why you need to reread your work before posting it.

Began to spin.

Alternatively, just spun.

at a high speed like a propeller. This is how he swam.

It's fairly unnecessary to tell us this is how he swam. First off, it sounds like a textbook. Second, we can get the idea once we actually see him swimming.

He started

Stared = looked at something for a long time.
Started = begun.

his normal exercises that his mother had shown him two months ago: up, down, side to side, and back and forth.

You're leading into a list separate from the rest of the sentence, so you'll actually need a colon there.

Suddenly,

Introduction word. Ergo, comma.

at a very high rate of speed.

It would be better (read: less awkward) if you just said "at very high speeds." "Rate" sounds too cold and rigid, rather than quick and exciting, the way you probably want for this scene.

It was, more than one thing it was, a whole group of things[/b].[/b]

1. Don't use an exclamation point in the narration. That makes your writing sound as if it's not objective, and you really want to serve as a non-objective narrator in order to deliver the tone effectively. In other words, it often just looks tacky.

2. You may want to reread this sentence and then rephrase it. It just sounds incredibly awkward. Suggestion: "As he stared at it, he realized it wasn't just one thing. It was a whole group of things."

It was still early morning,

I'm not even sure where you got that typo. O_o But yes, proofread.

Also, this is actually a compound sentence. You can tell by replacing the "but" with a period, and you'd see two complete sentences. So, you need a comma after "morning" to act as the mark of punctuation that would have been there if "but" hadn't connected the two sentences together.

In other words, compound sentences need commas before the conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so).

Since the fish had vanished, the only source of food in the valley was berries, and all the other Pokémon ate them as well.

Noting the comma here.

[qutoe]This amount of pressure on the berries made it hard for them to reproduce,[/quote]

I really don't think berries can feel pressure at all, so they probably won't care if they're being driven into extinction or that they need to reproduce for the sake of Pokemon. Instead, they might simply be gathered faster than they could grow.

Less than twenty minutes had passed when all of a sudden, there was a great uproar coming from the center of the valley, where the river and her son was.

If you leave the last sentence as it is and fail to punctuate it, it sounds as if you stopped in mid-sentence, which is never a good thing.

That all said, it's okay in terms of plot (although I'm a bit iffy about certain details of logic), but you just need to work on proofreading and being careful. I would highly suggest reading through OWL at Purdue (http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/) for guides to commas, periods, and quotation marks, and I would definitely suggest reading through your work before posting it because there's a lot of mistakes here that are mostly typos and the like.

Also, I really hope this doesn't end up like Bambi. Just saying, given your other thread.

Buoysel
June 30th, 2008, 06:45 AM
I really hope this doesn't end up like Bambi. Just saying, given your other thread.

not quite does differ wont give the story away. but the other therad is about the secound main character although you probably already figured it out.

oh and thanks for the grammar fixes must have taken a long time to type that. uh... i have two words. I SUCK

The saddest part to this story is that i am in a college english class. please no one tell my professor. otherwise i will be dead meat.(hey look i speeled it wright.) yes i know they are misspelled. i am making fun of my self in an attempt to fix smashed ego. any way i have fixed the story and added some. the fixes that Jax Malcolm pointed out are there as well.

Ninja Caterpie
June 30th, 2008, 11:48 PM
Just edit the old post, don't need to post another one...
First impressions count!

Seeing as Jax pretty much covered the grammar and things...
The story seems interesting!
Good luck!

PS. You don't SUCK, you just aren't perfect yet...Like you said, you're a beginner!

Buoysel
July 1st, 2008, 08:25 AM
Just edit the old post, don't need to post another one...
First impressions count!!

Got it and done.



The story seems interesting!
Good luck!
really good at least someone might like it.


PS. You don't SUCK, you just aren't perfect yet...Like you said, you're a beginner!


I know but they were Stupid mistakes that i rarely make. but i was really tired when i wrote that and i posted it right after i wrote it. i did read over it but did not catch the mistakes because i was to busy pondering what to do next.

thanks for responding i wrote a couple of chapters and changed the ending in this one too. i will edit the first post when i have looked over the chapter a few hundred times.