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A Real True Winner Is Me
August 5th, 2009, 11:29 AM
I did this story in PE2K, and I didn't get any feedback, so yeah. :33

"Yo, Dad, hurry up, it's freezing!" A young boy, maybe a teenager, said, sporting a heavy, thick blue Burton jacket and red, snow-proof glasses. The teenager wore a blue Burton cap, covering his hair and ears from freezing. He stood there, looking down, on top of a snow-covered hill. His mouth, opened, release ghastly white smoke, and they floated into the air like frosty bubbles. The young child's body shivered vigorously due to the cold weather.

The cold, wintery breeze swept past the young boy like a ghost gliding through the air, raising the hair on the back of his head. It made the young adolescent shiver, but he sucked the cold up, knowing that if he didn't, there was no way he could survive in the future if he was going to live in the north part of the world. The clacking of his pearly-white teeth made an awful, monotonous sound. The orange sun hung low, just a little bit over the tall, snow-capped mountain peaks of the Grand Chase mountain ranges. The mountains were bald; no leaves whistling and rustling as the cold, winter breeze swept past them.

"Hold on a sec, Brian, let me catch my breath first," the boy's father said, back bent down and arms on his knees. The father wore a rather similar outfit, but his clothes were much, much bigger and heavier. He wore a pair of black, snow-proof glasses, shielding his eyes from annoying shrapnel of ice. The father wore black spiked boots, helping him stand up without the worry of sliding back. The father, somewhere around his 40's, gasped for air. "Alright, I'm coming." The father had a deep, resonant voice, and he rarely spoke in anger.

"It’s about time, dad. Now, hurry up! I don't want to miss dinner!" Brian looked back at his dad, who was struggling to get up to the top of the little hill he was standing on. Brian snickered and turned back, and the young boy headed for home.

"Hey, Brian, don't leave your old man!" Brian's father called out to his son, but was too late. Brian had already disappeared. "I guess I'm walking alone, then." The father said, sighing, with his head hung down. The father walked slowly.

Back at the house, a grateful family of five huddled around a round, wooden table, chatting about the day's events and activities. Suddenly, they were interrupted by the appearance of a woman, coming out of the kitchen, carrying a bowl of steaming soup. She wore a strawberry-designed apron around her waist, a white, plain shirt underneath her apron, and a black hairnet wrapped around her hair. The woman, who appeared to be the mother, placed it in the middle of the table, where everyone, including her, could see it. After, she sat next to her son, who was about nine years of age.

"Okay, guys, it's time to eat. Who wants to give thanks?" the mother scanned the table, but no one volunteered. "Huh, I guess I'll have to pick then." The mother closed its eyes and covered them with her hand, and then she pointed her finger forward, and circled it around, picking someone randomly. The mother stopped, and she opened her eyes. "I picked Therese."

"Oh, man, why do I have to do this?" Therese groaned and asked her mother. She looked at her mother with a look of annoyance.

"Theresa, you have to understand. If we don't give thanks, the almighty Mew won't send us food. And without food, we'll starve to death. So, go on." The mother explained.

"But, why, Mom, I don't want to give thanks!" Therese said, slamming her fork down.

"You will, and that's-"

"Maria, don't force the children to do it. If they don't want to, then let them not give thanks." The father interrupted.

"Oh, George, you're siding with the kids now, are you? Well, fine, that's great, George, great!" Maria said, sarcastically.

Eventually, Therese gave thanks, and their dinner continued, but it was eerie silent. The children, the four of them, sat quietly, slowly gobbling up their food and slurping their apple juice. The soft, clanging noises of the dining utensils filled the room, creating a nice, peaceful sound. But every now and then, Maria and George, the mother and father, glared at each other. When the family had finished eating, Maria hurried to the kitchen to do the dirty dishes.

At 9 P.M., it was time for the children to go to bed, but Brian refused.

"Dad, I'm almost fourteen! Why can't I stay up late? I'm the oldest!"

"It's because you need the energy and the sleep to start the day tomorrow," George explained.

"But, Dad, why do I have to go to bed the same time my brothers and sisters do?" Brian asked.

George went silent. The father looked at the clock, and it read 9:06 P.M. He stretched his long, hardworking arms outward, and George yawned.

"Well, it's time to go to bed. Well, it's MY time to go to bed." George said, still yawning. Brian's father walked to the base of the staircase and started walking upwards, holding on to the polished, wooden handrails while rubbing his navy blue eyes. His head hung down, looking at the bottom.

Brian sighed, and followed him upstairs, and into his bedroom. Then, he slept.

-

Brian awoke to the sound of chirping of the winter-adapted birds and mysterious rustles just outside his house, since his window was wide open. He survived the cold over night due to the heavy, thick comforters, blankets, and sheets on his bed. He rushed downstairs, and Brian checked the television for special news and updates. None. He then sighed, and rubbed his eyes.

"Oh, man," Brian said.

A collection of yawns came from upstairs, from everyone's room, signaling Brian that his family is waking up. The creaking of the metal beds followed, and then, the slight, little footsteps of the family being heard from downstairs. One by one, Brian's cute brothers and sisters descended. Low screams and yells rang out as they rushed for their big brother, and they gave him a big family hug. The little kids, except for Brian, laughed with their eyes squinted and hands on their mouths.

"Okay, guys. Who wants to join me for an early morning jog?" Brian asked the group. The little kids looked at each other; their mouths suddenly started filling up with air. Then, they burst out in a giant laughter.

"Us, Brian? You want us to come with you for your," Rose said, the oldest of the little kids, about seven years old, wearing rose-covered overalls and a pony-tailed hair. She gestured two air quotes, "'early morning jog'? It's almost nine o'clock, and last time I recall, nine isn't as early as you think."

"Oh, really, Rose?"

"Yeah, really, Brian," Rose said.

"Well, I guess no one wants to join my," Brian said, imitating Rose's air quotes, "'early morning jog'."

"I'll go with you, Brian," said a little boy in the back. He wore a pair of train-designed pajamas, and he hugged a stuffed and furry llama. "I'll go with you, brother."

"Josh, you're too young," Brian said.

"You're the one who asked!" Josh yelled, spinning around and rushing for the staircase, sobbing.

"Look at what you did, Brian. You made poor, little "Joshie" cry," Rose said.

"I'll talk to him later, but for now, I have to jog. See you guys in a little bit, okay?"

"Sure, Brian, jog over family, I see," Rose said.

"Stop with the guilt thing, Rose! You're too young for that!" Brian announced.

"Please, whatever," Rose said.

Brian opened the wooden door, and stepped outside. The warm, welcoming kiss of the blurry-glowing sun struck Brian's face, giving him some warmth, and as well as illuminating his face. Brian stepped forward, and another step, hearing the muffled crunching of the frozen ice. Brian continued on, jogging towards a snow-capped hill, where two evergreen trees stood firmly at either side of the wide, long hill.

Slow jogging and quick breaths got Brian up and strong. Once he got to the top of the hill, he stopped and looked forward. Brian breathed in the scent of the early winter morning. The sun was high up over the Grand Chase Mountains, giving life of the people in the town below. Brian smiled in satisfaction, and spun around. He continued his jog, circling double 8's around the evergreen trees. The leaves were still on the branches. Once the slow breeze of winter passed the hill, the beautiful sounds of the evergreen trees came out.

After twenty to thirty minutes, or more, Brian was exhausted. His legs were shaking, dying to have a snack and a drink for the regeneration of his energy. His breath was short and the tip of his mouth had snow. Brian spat it out in disgust and wiped his mouth with his jacket sleeve. After, he began walking down the hill. Though slippery it may be Brian pushed on, not caring if he's going to slip and fall. He didn't care because no one lives near him, so no one will see him fall.

When he got to the bottom of the little hill, Brian dusted snow off his jacket and his pants, and walked straight forward, with his beautiful residence waits. As he got closer, Brian's hunger became stronger, so he sped up, dying to eat his mother's delicious breakfast, waiting on the far side of the table, just sizzling with steams gliding through the air, like a delectable mist. Brian licked his lips as he thought of his breakfast. With his stomach growling and grunting, Brian walked even faster. Visible tracks of Brian's medium-sized footprints lay on the ground, dead and uncared.

Finally, the snow-covered household of Brian was finally in sight. The only obstacle he has to face before entering the house was a gentle hill covered in slippery ice. Cracks had been made on the side of the hill so that someone, or something, can climb down easily and avoid sliding and slipping. Brian walked over to the edge of the hill and positioned himself facing the dead woods out back. Then, Brian eased his way down the slippery hill, slowly and carefully. Once he got to the bottom, he felt relieved, and Brian started walking to his house.

When Brian got hold of the frozen-cold doorknob, he heard yelling and scrambling inside his house. Brian pressed his covered ears against the door, trying to overhear what they were saying. The teenager could hear his mother sobbing, and someone knocking over things. Accidentally, Brian swung the door open, revealing himself to the family that he was eavesdropping.

"Brian," his mother said, walking towards him with her arms open wide, wanting a hug. Then, she resumed, "Therese, your younger sister, had run away." The shocked expression on Brian's mother's face reflected on Brian's. The teenager's mouth dangled as his mother's words slipped away from her scarlet lips.

"What, what do you mean, Mom? She couldn't have," Brian said, looking worried. He bit his lower lip lightly, not adding to much force so that it won't bleed.

"She ran away a couple of minutes after you left. Her brothers, or should I say, your brothers, also, told your father and I that she was going with you," Brian's mother said.

"She got smart with me. Therese never wanted to go in the first place," Brian said, dropping down to his knees; his face was blank. "She never wanted to go, Mom."

"Don't worry, Brian. We'll find your sister," Brian's mother said.

Brian knelt on the hardwood floor, with the palms of his hands on his face. He was surrounded by his brothers and sisters, mother and father. They all laid their hands on Brian's shoulder. Therese was Brian's favorite sister, and losing her meant Brian's whole world.

-

The next day, Brian woke up to a one-less noisy morning. The sun was up, happy, but inside the house was depressed and sad. The cheerful and playful child named Therese, also known as Brian's sister, has gone missing. In the middle of winter, it is almost impossible to discover a child in the woods. Therese could be buried in feet of snow, or less, but still. The family had finished talking to the County Guard, requesting and begging them to search the entire woods at a certain perimeter from their house.

"All right, ma'am. We'll get back to you as soon as possible," the cop inside the house said. He wore an ironed and precisely-pressed uniform with the buttons and the numerous medals and honors well-polished. He stood tall, towering over the family. His face was red, but his ferocity and strength overcame the coldness. He was a strong, burly man, about two feet taller than George, Brian's father.

"Thank you, Officer Krane," Brian's mother said.

"No problem, ma'am. And, tell that boy of yours, the one who's staring at me deeply, to not venture into the woods from now till next Tuesday."

"Why is that, Officer?" Brian's mother asked.

"Sorry, ma'am, I can't give away information to the public. Sorry, but I have to go now. I'll call to inform you about our search updates," the officer said, bending his head down so he could get out of the house.

Brian sat on the couch after Officer Krane left, looking at the television, which was not on. He sat down, crossing his legs and his arms supporting his head up. Brian gave out a heavy sigh and blinked a couple of times before getting up to his feet. Once up, he paced back and forth, looking down, thinking. Suddenly, after pacing for a bout thirty seconds, his face lit up and snapped his fingers. Brian smiled, and the teenager rushed upstairs.

It was night, 7 PM to be exact. The cold wind of the night shrilled past the dead, skinny trees shaking them back and forth. The wind carried snow, which was on the ground, and transported it somewhere. The bluish-colored moon floated high up over the Grand Chase Mountains, giving luminosity to the town below and up here. The color gave a warm, comforting feeling to whoever was sitting outside at that very moment. On the ground were numerous trails of snow leading up to the ghost-like, peaceful town below. The snow-covered houses' windows were shut, and the streets were weirdly deserted. There were no cheerful, joyful children happily prancing around, holding hands with their friends and spinning in tight circles.

Meanwhile, some child, about four feet in height, is standing underneath a frozen lamppost, leaning against it as if he was waiting for someone. Puffs of white smoke came out of his lips, forming in circles and drifting away into the darkness of the night. His hands were in his pockets, giving them warmth. In his mouth was a piece of twig, or more like a blade of grass. The child chewed it coolly, wriggling it around his mouth with his tongue. He sported a heavy coat, and it was thick so he could survive the harsh night.

After minutes of patiently waiting, the child stopped leaning on the lamppost and started walking down the frozen pathway. Ice had transformed, making the pathway frozen and slippery. The child had spiked boots on, giving him support if he falls backwards. The child walked calmly, knowing that any second he may fall, but he didn't care. He sped up as the pathway went upwards, on a hill. On the way, he whispered some things under his breath, making it hard to hear. He sighed, and focused on walking.

Suddenly, the child's phone started ringing to a tune of a majestic violin playing. The harmony rang out, surprising him. He took out his phone, and the child flipped it open, revealing incoming call” information Then, he placed the cellular device against his covered ears, and he talked.

"Hello?" the child asked the person who called him.

"Hi, Brian," a woman said, on the other line.

"Oh, hi, Mom," the child named Brian replied.

"So, any updates of your sister, Brian?" Brian's mother asked.

"Unfortunately, no, Mom, all there is to be seen is snow, and snow," Brian sighed.

"Well, can you still try and look for her, Brian?" Brian's mother asked.

"Sure, if it means risking my whole life saving my sister, or should I say, recovering my sister," Brian said.

"Okay, Brian, I have to go now. Josh peed on the couch, and I have to clean it up. Take care now!" Brian's mother said, assuring him that everything will be alright.

"Okay, thanks, Mom. I will," Brian said.

The teenage kid hung up the phone, and then, he placed it back inside his pocket. Brian looked up at the sky. The auroras reflected beautiful colors for everyone who had the chance of seeing it. The wavy lines of them reminded Brian of colorful, slithering serpents, slowly gliding against the endless sky, moving from one cloud to the other. A great smile flashed across the face of Brian. He smiled because he was happy, not that he lost his sister, or her sister is lost.

-

Morning came rapidly. Brian, who was still asleep, slept under a leaf-less tree, snuggled near the trunk, hugging it. From a distance, the teenager looked like a koala, but as someone got closer, the image shifts to a person, making them creep out or feel weird. The bright sun was shining in all directions in the frozen wilderness, but not melting the hard ice. There were a few birds lingering in the skies, ravens and crows, mostly, since most of the flying animals migrated to somewhere hotter.

After a few minutes, Brian rolled over to his back, and then, the teenager rubbed his eyes. Brian gave out a low grunt before yawning, and then, getting on his feet to get his blood moving. The teenager looked at his watch, and it read 8:13 A.M. Brian, drowsy and in-need of sleep, struggled to wake up and get on his feet. His legs wobbled as he pushed up, making it hard for him to make a foundation on standing up. Somehow, Brian managed.

"I better get going," Brian said, yawning. His face was covered in snow, well, partly. Numerous shards of ice stuck to his jet black hair. His clothing, jacket and pants, were covered in snow, as well. Brian began dusting them off, so he could start the day searching for his sister, again. He picked up his belongings, and moved out, hungry and tired.

"Huh, I wish I had food," Brian said, shaking his head from left to right, "I'm so stupid. Gosh, why didn't I bring food?" Brian smacked his forehead vigorously with his hand.

Suddenly, a dull cawing cried out, making Brian turn around and observe the sound. After a few moments and seconds, the caw cried out again. This time, it was followed by multiple of caws, the same sound and pitch as the first one, along with a distressed shrieking of a woman or a girl. Instantly, Brian concluded that the shrieking girl was her sister, Therese. So, Brian hurried, following the caws inside a dead, spindly tree-forest. Brian slashed away the ghost-like branches as he went. The slashed-away branches flew and landed softly on the peaceful ground.

"Therese, I'm coming for you!" Brian screamed as he rushed to his sister.

As the teenager got closer, the cawing sounds were heard more clearly, allowing Brian to track it. Brian turned left and right several times, before reaching an opening inside the dead forest. A bush stood in between the clearing and Brian. The teenager crouched down, and he moved away a part of the bush to see what was going on. He peered.

In the middle of the clearing sat a little girl, about 7 years of age, wearing a heavy, thick carnation pink jacket, along with yellow ponytails strapped to her hair. She wore a pair of thick black glasses, and the little girl had a disturbed expression on her face. Around her was a flock of pink birds, cawing at her madly. The birds encircled her, scaring the little girl. The girl sobbed and screamed, hoping that someone would come along and rescue her.

Suddenly, one bird flew straight up high, and it did a one eighty degree turn. Then, it swooped down, heading directly for the girl. The bird had a laughing- and mad- expression glued to its face. The bird traveled at an incredible speed that Brian couldn't keep up with its movements. The bird was so fast that Brian didn't have time to pull out a Pokemon out of his pocket and protect his sister. The evil bird was about twenty feet away from the girl now, still flying at a tremendous speed.

With its razor-sharp pincers aimed directly at her, the bird didn't hesitate to move in and pierce through the girl's extra-sensitive skin. Upon impact, the bird grinned evilly, while the girl screamed. The impact was great, sending the little girl flying through the air and landing on the ground, unconscious, several feet away. Brian stopped peering, and the teenager hurried to tend his sister.

"Therese!"

The girl lay peacefully, with a blank face. Brian rushed over. Once he arrived, Brian knelt down and felt the girl's pulse. She was breathing fine, but the little girl was still unconscious.

"You're going to pay for this," Brian said, madly, clutching his fist firmly and gritting his teeth tightly."Togekiss, go destroy that monster!" Brian ordered, pulling out a well-polished, shiny Pokeball out of his belt. The Pokeball had numerous seals and logos on it, making it look special. Then, Brian threw the Pokeball up high, and instantly, the Pokeball opened and exposed a scarlet ray of light, beaming on the ground.

A figure began forming. After seconds of transforming, the red light disappeared, revealing a white Pokémon with an egg-shaped body. The Pokemon had three triangular-shaped wings, without feathers. Its underbelly is dotted with little red and blue triangle-shaped spots. The Pokemon had two feet clasped together, possibly glued together. Its head had a three-pointed crest that had the left spike tipped in blue and the right spike tipped in red. The Pokemon chuckled at the sight of its opponent.

The formidable enemy was a Flying-type Pokemon. The Pokemon was a small, purple, bat-like Pokémon. It had blue wings, which are similar in function to a flying squirrel's. The Flying-type Pokemon had scorpion claws and a tail with a stinger on the end. The Pokemon had long, pointed ears and triangle-shaped eyes. The bird Pokemon laughed hysterically to itself as it observed the image of Togekiss.

"Togekiss, use your powerful Aura Sphere!" Brian commanded, pointing his right hand's pointer finger at Gligar.

A dodger blue-colored, whooshing sphere-like ball began forming on Togekiss' bird-like wings. The floating blue ball spiraled on the inside, sucking air in. Togekiss put its other wing on the top of the aura ball, and the Flying-type Pokemon pushed it away, aiming at Gligar.

On the other hand, Gligar was still laughing at Togekiss. It could not prevent itself from laughing because of the humorous image of its opponent, Togekiss, but when Gligar saw the aura ball traveling towards itself, Gligar knew that even though Togekiss is easy to make fun of, it was also a mean, powerful Pokemon machine. Since it was Gligar's turn to counter, or attack, it decided to raise its defense, so it could withstand its opponent's vicious attacks. The pink, flying Pokemon closed its eyes and started concentrating. Its purplish body started to glow a green-white color combination. Then, Gligar was wrapped in a green protective shell that will survive for the duration of the match, or until Togekiss is able to knock Gligar out.

Togekiss' Aura Sphere traveled towards Gligar, rapidly, whooshing and swishing as it passed. Blue streaks from the Aura Sphere showed, intensifying its power. Upon impact, Gligar's hard and protective shell cracked about an inch in length. The ball dug deeply into the hard shell, leaving a circular-shaped hollow on it. Then, the sphere disappeared into oblivion.

Inside, Gligar was rocked, hitting its head violently against the rough sides of the enclosed shell. When it was time to attack, Gligar opened its shell a bit, and the flying peeked around for its enemy. Then, it flew up, away from its protective covering, and now, Gligar was vulnerable of Togekiss' attacks. With its scorpion-like claws, it soared upwards. When the flying Pokemon started to come down, Gligar's tail was pointed at Togekiss, and the tail started to glow an amethyst color. Suddenly, numerous violet darts oozed out of its tail, traveling downwards, aimed at the foe, Togekiss.

On the snow-covered ground, Togekiss awaited its enemy's attack, staring at the purple darts coming towards. Its head and eyes were fixed at the oncoming attack that it didn’t even hear what its master has commanded.

"...Extremespeed..." Brian called out. Brian's command was blurred and muffled as it went inside Togekiss' hollow ears, but it knew what to do.

Togekiss bent its knees, and took off, speeding up to the right side, avoiding the purple darts as it smashed the ground. Gligar’s tail, still aimed at Togekiss, produced more and more poison-covered, purple darts at Togekiss, making the white, Flying-type Pokemon use its Extremespeed not to attack, but use it for evasion. Togekiss got mad, wanting to attack, but it knew that if it attacked, it would get poisoned by the darts.

Gligar's status-inflicting darts shot out of the flying Pokémon’s tail like a machine gun firing at people. The pink creature laughed at the sight of a white Pokemon running around, avoiding its attack.

"Damn, I cannot attack Gligar. If only it would stop firing," Brian whispered, and suddenly, the teenager snapped his fingers, with a bright smile across his face. His idea was to distract Gligar from attacking his Togekiss, and then, Togekiss will attack. Brian stepped outside of his comfort zone and directly underneath the flying Gligar. Then, the teenager started dancing around, laughing, and making jokes at Gligar, hoping that it would get the pink monster's attention. And, it did. Once Gligar spotted the silly-looking child, its head turned towards him, giving Brian its full attention.

Once Togekiss saw what its Master was doing, Togekiss proceeded with its attack. The white-colored Pokemon gained enough speed for leaping into the air and smashing Gligar's soft, sensitive skull in by running around in circles. Numerous shards of ice trailed as Togekiss sped. After several circles, Togekiss leaped into the air, and it flapped its wings to stay in the air, but it didn't lose speed. Togekiss charged at Gligar at full speed, and Togekiss hit its head against Gligar's head. The powerful collision sent Gligar flying downwards, until it hit the ground and stayed there.

Togekiss came back to its master's feet and knelt. Brian patted Togekiss' head gently, stroking its fine hairs, looking at the fallen Gligar. After moments of patiently waiting, Gligar remained at the crater it formed, not moving. Togekiss hurried to the spot to check on it, but when it arrived there, Gligar's eyes were closed, and its tongue was sticking out. Saliva drooled out of its mouth, grossing out Togekiss. After seeing this, the faithful Pokemon of Brian rushed back, reporting what it had seen. Then, Brian decided to walk over to Gligar and see what was going on.

Once he arrived, Gligar was 'dead'. It didn't breathe, and it didn't move a single muscle. Brian concluded that it was it. Gligar was finished, and it won't live, since its dead already. So, he walked away from Gligar, with his back facing the fallen hero. Brian walked back to where he stood before. But suddenly, a pink pincer emerged from the rock-covered arms of Gligar, grabbing hold of Brian's foot, tripping him.

"Dang it, what the," the teenager paused, looking at the pincer, carefully studying it. Then, the hold got tighter suffocating Brian's foot from getting blood through. The teenager screamed, and he tugged on the pincer, trying to free himself. He couldn't; the grip of Gligar’s claws was strong, and Brian had a hard time getting it off. So, Brian heaved the fallen Pokemon upwards, revealing a living creature. And then, Brian pulled back, with his right fist clutched tightly, and slammed his fist onto Gligar's face, knocking it out. The force of the punch sent vibrations throughout Gligar's little body. Brian was furious; he had a mad glare and an angry expression flashing across his red face.

"That's what you get, you son of a," Brian pulled out a Pokeball from his Pokeball, a shiny one. And then, Brian threw it at Gligar directly at a great force, and on impact, Gligar's face stretched as the ball hit. The Pokeball opened, releasing red beams of light everywhere. The beams of light engulfed the image of Gligar, and the Pokeball sucked it right in, trapping the poor, yet mischievous Gligar. The Pokeball dropped to the frozen ground, and it shook. Once, twice...

Options:
If it's a capture - Brian walks over to Therese, holding her with his arms, with her face up. Brian uncovered her face by moving her hair away from her face. When that was done, Brian was shocked. It wasn't her sister; it was someone else, that looked amazingly similar to Therese. Brian drops her, and he starts crying, wanting Therese to come back. After, Brian continues his journey across the frozen land of Trana, in search of her missing sister.

If it's not a capture - I don't know. :P

Grovyle42(Griff8416)
August 16th, 2009, 05:30 PM
I think the reason why you probably aren't getting any feed back is the long length of the first chapter. It's best to ease people into it, because this is a slightly daunting length, even for me, and I have very long chapters sometimes.

Interesting layout. Good description. But it's probably not best to tell what's going to happen in the next chapter before it happens. It kind of ruins the surprise. :P Also, the dialogue seems a bit... awkward at places.

This isn't a great review, but it's better than nothing. Also, I'm also a House fan.

Astinus
August 16th, 2009, 06:10 PM
I think the reason why you probably aren't getting any feed back is the long length of the first chapter. It's best to ease people into it, because this is a slightly daunting length, even for me, and I have very long chapters sometimes.

Interesting layout. Good description. But it's probably not best to tell what's going to happen in the next chapter before it happens. It kind of ruins the surprise. :P Also, the dialogue seems a bit... awkward at places.

This isn't a great review, but it's better than nothing. Also, I'm also a House fan.
Actually, Dr. House (tempted to call you "Gregory") writes these stories for Pokemon Elite 2000's URPG story "challenge", I guess you can call it. So even though his story is long, it's supposed to be. He writes this story for the URPG to try and capture a Pokemon. Each Pokemon has a set amount of characters that the story must meet in order for the story to count. So, for Gligar, Dr. House had to write a story that was between 10 - 20 K characters.

As for why he didn't say whether Brian captured the Gligar is another URPG-explained reason. Each story is graded by a reviewer. If the writer meets the standards of the reviewer, than the Pokemon the writer's character is attempting to capture is caught. So, with this story, Dr. House didn't know if he caught the Gligar for his URPG team, so he couldn't finish it. For PC (and I guess for PE2K), he tried to finish the story the best he can.

So, that explains why this story is the way that it is, both in terms of length and the way it ends.

Whew.

Now, Dr. House, if you want, I can review this like an URPG grader the best I can. I never actually reviewed over there before, but I have the information and read over it many times, so I can attempt. (You can tell I know something by my explanation!) That might hopefully help you out a bit.

(Though I thought this got graded on PE2K? I just checked it, and Nikki the Mew graded it. I'll still review if you want me to.)

Grovyle42(Griff8416)
August 17th, 2009, 11:22 AM
Actually, Dr. House (tempted to call you "Gregory") writes these stories for Pokemon Elite 2000's URPG story "challenge", I guess you can call it. So even though his story is long, it's supposed to be. He writes this story for the URPG to try and capture a Pokemon. Each Pokemon has a set amount of characters that the story must meet in order for the story to count. So, for Gligar, Dr. House had to write a story that was between 10 - 20 K characters.

As for why he didn't say whether Brian captured the Gligar is another URPG-explained reason. Each story is graded by a reviewer. If the writer meets the standards of the reviewer, than the Pokemon the writer's character is attempting to capture is caught. So, with this story, Dr. House didn't know if he caught the Gligar for his URPG team, so he couldn't finish it. For PC (and I guess for PE2K), he tried to finish the story the best he can.

So, that explains why this story is the way that it is, both in terms of length and the way it ends.

Whew.



Ohhh, right. Okay. That makes sense then. (I should probably know about this stuff since I'm becoming active in PE2k). In that case, my only criticism is the dialogue.