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View Full Version : The Legend of The Wisdom: Chapter One "The Bio"

Legend 121
August 9th, 2009, 11:33 PM
Conversation between Ash and Prof. Oak

"Prof. Oak! I was a Pokemon Training School, and I heard of a Pokemon named Uxie, could you tell me more?" -Ash

"Ah, yes. Uxie, a very Wise Pokemon. Uxie is a Pokemon of great wisdom, said to be created by a Wrong Experiment. Uxie was created along with two other pokemon. Uxie also keeps it eyes shut Ninety Seven Percent of the time, and has so much Psychic Power that it see's other objects and pokemon without opening it's eyes. Uxie has only recently been discovered for about two years by two travelers. Ash does this answer your question?" -Oak

"Yes, thanks Prof. Oak!" -Ash

Weekly Edition #1

Misheard Whisper
August 10th, 2009, 12:08 AM
I'm gonna use your fic as a guinea pig for my new reviewing style. *cracks knuckles* Be honoured. ^_^

Problem #1: You can't change the name of the thread.
Problem #2: You like to capitalise things randomly, like Ninety Seven Percent and Wrong Experiment. I just don't get it.
Problem #3: Length. Short and sweet is not necessarily a bad thing, but at the moment your fic has the former sans the latter.
Problem #4: You have only dialogue. There is no description, no action, no emotion. What do the characters look like, where are they, what are they doing, feeling, seeing?
Problem #5: "Prof. Oak! I was a Pokemon Training School" Were you now, Ash? How on earth did you manage that?
Problem #6: "that it see's other objects and pokemon". 'see's' is not a word.
Problem #7: "-Oak". No, just no. Simply adding a nametag to tell us who's speaking isn't gonna cut it.
Problem #8: Weekly Edition #1. I hope you're aware that that symbol means 'does not equal' rather than 'number'.

Solution #1: You could a) start over or b) PM Astinus to get her to change it for you.
Solution #2: Keep an eye on capitalisation. Proper nouns such as names, days and places only. And sentence starters, but that goes without saying.
Solution #3: I recommend expanding, which I'll touch on more in the next point.
Solution #4: OK. Add more. More what, you ask? More everything. Description - tell us what they're wearing. Emotion - tell us what they're feeling. Action - tell us what they're doing. Detail - give us everything, big and small. Just don't swamp us. D.E.A.D. What a macabre acronym, lol.
Solution #5: Proofread. It helps avoid embarrassing mistakes like that one.
Solution #6: The word you are looking for is 'sees'. Apostrophes are helpful, but don't overuse them, as they have very specific guidelines as to where they go. I recommend you use the Internet to look up rules for usage.
Solution #7: At least use speechtags, maybe with a beat and/or some action. "Blah blah blah," said Oak, dancing the Macarena. You get the picture.
Solution #8: Use this - #. You get it by holding down the shift key and pressing '3' on the row of keys at the top of most keyboards.

Good bit #1: Uxie is so neglected; it needs more love in fanfiction. Props for that, although I have no idea where it was going.

General Suggestion #1: Get a beta. (http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=147710) They are amazing people.

Well, I hope that worked. Tell me, did you find this review helpful? Especially the format in which it was given? Or did that get in the way? And . . . did you use a word processor? (I ask that of everyone, don't worry.)

Astinus
August 10th, 2009, 9:51 AM
Your thread is rather short, and the chapter is lacking of anything except for three paragraphs of dialogue. Two of those are also only one line.

One of the problems with this story is that we don't know when it takes place. Is this before or after any one of Ash's adventures through a region? Seeing as how Ash is dumb as a thumb when it comes to Pokemon, I also doubt that he went to Pokemon Training School. I'm assuming that this will be about Ash going off to find Uxie, so that's why clarification would be necessary. Because you've got to remember that Ash doesn't like to travel alone if he can help it.

You can easily explain when this story takes place by adding narration. We're not watching television here. We're reading a story that took place in your mind, and you should write down what's going on so the reader doesn't get confused. Describe the setting (Oak's lab?), what the characters look like (which would help you show how old Ash is because you would then say how old he is), what the characters do during the conversation (does Ash ever scratch his head in confusion? Is Oak doing work when Ash comes running in?), and how the characters feel.

Another problem is the lack of proper speech tags used in narration. A proper speech tag would be along the lines of "Oak said", "Ash asked". Things like that. They describe in a way how the characters say their speech, especially if you use "shouted", "whispered", or other tags like that.

Your story needs some work to improve it, so that readers can follow along without any sense of confusion, and so that it meets the standards of this section. That's the reason why I'm closing it.