View Full Version : Midnight; The lost legend

May 31st, 2005, 11:47 AM
Miss Eve, Miss Eve! A sudden voice awoke a lump in a dark blue room. The lump lay in a soft, hand made mattress. To the left of the bed was a mirror, and the right was a black door. Across from the bed was a large balcony. If you were to stand out the balcony, you would be able to see the castle that the lump lived in. The lump sat up, revealing a girl. At that moment the door burst open as a girl ran inside.

Miss Eve, She panted, holding her knees, Your father has died. An assassin killed him. The war has started, Eve stood up as her long black hair feel onto the glass floor. Her white gown flew behind her as she swiftly left the room, only pausing at the door.

Thank you Addi. I need you to take me to the lab. Now, Eve said. Addi ran to Eves side, guiding her to large hallway. Eve followed. They crept down three staircases. Addi stopped after the third one, making a gesture to a large white door. She bowed low, her head touching her feet. Eve nodded to her, grasping the pure gold handle.

Five white tables were propped up in some sort of laboratory. On the tables were thousands of red and white spheres. A large machine stood in the left hand corner, which was connected to two small cages. Eve stood taller, smiling brightly.

Grab five pokeballs and a backpack. Its time to go, Eve pointed to the right hand corner, where five colored backpacks hung on dark, rusty nails. Eve grabbed a ball from each table, and a black backpack. Addi did the same, only grabbing a bright red bag.

Yes Miss Eve, Addi said, facing Eve. Eve frowned.

No. You will call me Midnight. Forget the Miss Eve. And you are Dawn. You will leave me now. Do not come back, Midnight turned to the door, leaving Dawn alone. She ran up the stairs, out a red door, and into a small garden. There, many different flowers and trees grew. Midnight sniffed a yellow rose, throwing it onto a wooden bench. She took a hairpin out of her hair, locking the door.

Soon, everyone will understand my hate. But now, I need to train, Midnight muttered under her breath. She threw a pokeball above her head. A small Espeon appeared, rubbing her tail against Midnights legs.

OCC: This is just a produloge, it's supposed to be short. If it's bad, tell me! I need to know. :bandit:

May 31st, 2005, 12:00 PM
Well it's a very good start. I saw a few gramical errors but apart from that it's good. I will be waiting for your next chapter.

May 31st, 2005, 1:31 PM
Its not chapters, its in "parts". (they're small)

JX Valentine
May 31st, 2005, 1:54 PM
You'd usually think that parts are longer than chapters, though. If you've ever read something like On the Road by Jack Kerouac, you'd notice that chapters are usually subsections of parts (though the parts aren't usually there). It's kind of like how scenes in plays are subsections of acts. Sometimes, if you note that there's only one scene, you don't always have to note that there's an act as well.

Anyways, I'm going to have to agree with Alana. There's a few grammatical errors here. Not as much as some other fics I've seen, but they're there nonetheless. Mainly, it has to do with when to start and end sentences, especially when quoted material is involved. For example:

Miss Eve, She panted, holding her knees, Your father has died. An assassin killed him. The war has started,

Well, first off, this should be in its own paragraph anyways. Secondly, there should be a period after "started" and possibly one after "knees" (note the lack of an apostrophe -- "knees" isn't a possessive), depending on whether or not you want to make what Addi says read, "Miss Eve, your father has died."

Basically, write the whole thing as one paragraph, then figure out where you want to break it to indicate that it's something that's being said. If it's in the middle of a sentence, use commas just before the closing quotation marks of the first piece and after whatever piece of narration you want to add in, as you had in the original. If it's at the end of a sentence, just replace the period with a comma put just before the closing quotation mark, but put a period before you start the second part of the quoted material, if there's any. However, if you're not going to put the speech indicator ("he said," for example) at the end of the quoted material, just put a period. Sorry if that's confusing, by the way.

That aside, the storyline is... okay, I suppose. I get the feeling Eve may later turn into a Mary Sue, though I guess that's just how you go with it. (For example, she may also just turn into a nutcase, especially if she deals with the death of her family member so calmly and randomly changes the names of herself and her friend. Not that there's anything wrong with a nutcase. That'd be kinda cool, actually.)

Otherwise, since it's mainly exposition (and since it was pretty short, even for a chapter/part), I can't really judge it fairly yet. *shrug*

Oh, and yet another small nitpick (Sorry!): it's spelled "prologue," not "produloge." ^_^;

May 31st, 2005, 6:32 PM
here, tell me if you think she is a nut case after I explain a bit.

Eve = Midnight

Midnight changed her sevant's name so that no one will ask her (addi, not Dawn ) about this "event" that happened. She will soon kill her father's three best friends with her boyfriend max (Or shadow. Find out later) so she can travel back in time to stop this assassin from-- Wait, why am I telling you this? *smacks forehead* I'm so stupid! Guess the rest and see if it was correct.

May 31st, 2005, 6:48 PM
In a small shop in Verdian City, everything was silent. Too silent for one girl, and so

An old man was slowly cleaning a diamond in Daddys Jewels Shop. A black haired, white skinned girl walked in the store. The man stiffened his back. He knew of this girl, she was legendary. No one could get in her way. This girl was an assassin, except she didnt work for anyone. She killed on her own. She struck for revenge.

Midnight. Thats the name. But you already know me dont you. Have a fun time dieing Lord George, Midnights voice brought the man terror. He looked at her, than shut his eyes, thinking of the past.

Eve? Is it really you? Lord George asked, opening his eyes again.

No. Its Midnight, Midnight stamped her foot on the ground, Say good bye. Midnight took a mini pokeball out of her hair, tossing it onto the tile floor. Clink. A purple cat like creature with a red gem in between its eyes was released from the ball. Midnight pulled a long sword out of her white sash around her waist.

Espeon, Flash! Midnight shouted. The Espeon slowly moved her head, letting the light reflect of her gem. Midnight shut her eyes as a large amount of blinding light hit the eyes of Lord George. He fell to the floor, causing the diamond to fall and shatter into many pieces. Midnight brought down the sword on his head. Blood oozed out of his limp body. Midnight bent down, picking up the shredded diamond. She walked out, the Espeon following her, the sword in her mouth, blood dripping off.

Note: Did you like it? If not, I'll forget about this fanfic. Oh and Kazeto Tamashii I'm not offended at all. Maybe a smudge. Okay, how about a little? No, I think I'm offended a lot! Kidding, kidding. Don't worry I'm not. (I just like teasing) Please give me a grammer leson on this chapter.

JX Valentine
May 31st, 2005, 6:54 PM
Sounds like a sociopath alright. As for the "time traveling" thing, that may not bode well for your character. (It may actually turn her into a Mary Sue.)

If you don't know what a Mary Sue is, I wrote a pretty decent definition in another review once on FFNet:

First off, a Mary Sue isn't necessarily a self-insertion. A writer could create a character completely out of their imagination, and it could still be a Mary Sue. That said, a better definition would be a character whose traits (often superior to the traits of other characters or otherwise unusual) make them stand out more than most characters (namely, canon characters), usually to the point where all of the focus shifts from those characters onto mainly the Sue. Yes, I know it's a lengthy definition, but it's an accurate one.

To be more specific, a Mary Sue often possesses at least two of the following traits:

1. Incredible beauty.

2. Incredible talent (intelligence, artistic ability, athletic ability, musical ability, et cetera).

3. Strong Pokemon (sometimes even legendaries).

4. Superpowers. (Magic, psychic powers, et cetera.)

5. An angsty past. (Optional. May include becoming orphaned, being abused/neglected, or generally being hated.)

6. The love and attention of almost every member of the opposite gender. (Including Gary Stus, or male counterparts of Mary Sues.)

7. Familial relationship with a canon character. (e.g. Ash's sister.)

8. Membership to a strange race (elves, Pokemon hybrids, et cetera).

9. Exotic name (including and especially Japanese words or things that wouldn't normally be used as names) or the same name as the author.

Of course, that's just the tip of the carrot. Long story short, don't try to make your character overly impressive. If you can find a Mary Sue Litmus Test online, I'd suggest you test your character on it.

Edit: Oh! Hey! You updated!

In that case, just a few notes, in numeric form (because that's the easiest form of review for me):

1. Viridian, not Veridian.

2. Diamonds are actually one of the hardest materials you can get. It'll take a bit of effort to shatter them.

3. It might help if you added a bit more description. Try to detail what everything in your world looks like. Put it this way: You're a painter with a blank canvas, and you're trying to make the viewer (reader) see the awesome image in your head. So, what you do is paint as much detail in your portrait as possible. List every last fact you can think of to get the reader to really get into your world. I know that sounds tedious, but it will actually help you as well. After all, by describing at least the setting, you're opening up the possibility for a prop to logically be in the area. For example, if a character is in a room with a metal poker (for fireplaces), that character could easily turn that poker into a weapon.

That said, not bad, but I get the feeling you're rushing. Take your time and take it easy. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither should your storyline. If you feel rushed, just save your work on a word processor and come back to it later.

May 31st, 2005, 7:39 PM
I do put it on a word processor. Man, you make me feel like I'm 2 years old! But... thanks any way. Hehe