View Full Version : A new beginning

June 29th, 2005, 6:42 AM
Cast of people here on PC:
Melissa = 16 (WS ~Hugs her!~)
Steven = 18 (My uncle)
Mendy = EDIT:17 (My aunt)
Thank you WS for your wonderful help!

One Morning ash and co woke up at around 12:00 because they got to ashs house around midnight.They all rubbed the itchy sand out of their just waking up eyes. May a girl with short brown hair that was usually in a bandana looked around the room. She was wearing a red and black short sleeve shirt, a black pair of shorts with a red short skirt going on top of them. She looked at Brocks bed and the sheets and blankets were neat and tidy like after someone had made their bed. "You guys we overslept" a voice called from the left side of May. It was Ash. Ash has short black hair. Hes always wearing a red and white hat. He wears a blue jacket and blue jeans. "Not all of us" may say taking out her pale index finger and pointing to Brocks bed. "I bet hes in the kitchen cooking" a voice said coming from next to Brocks bed. It was Max. Max has short black hair and wears a green shirt with black shorts. Max wears glasses. "Yeah that boy loves to cook" Ash said getting up from hes bed and forcing his white sheet and red blanket up so he could make his bed. After all three of them and their beds they walked into the kitchen has if they became zombies by the smell of pancakes cooking. When they got in the kitchen they saw Brock over the stove cooking the pancakes. Mr.Mime was too busy to great them with a Mr.Mime because he was sweeping the kitchen floor. "Brock where is my mom" Ash asked taking his seat? Max and may sit down at the time too. Brock turned around and greeted his friends with a smile and a plate of pancakes. They all started to eat the pancakes. "Shes out in the garden," Brock said finally. "Oh" Ash said. Then they finished eating and Ashs mom came in with a brown basket of big ripe red strawberries. She went over to the white sank, put the brown basket of big ripe red strawberries in it and turned on the faucet by the little white handle. Then she turned around her brown eyes shining like dirt when the sun hits it just right. She has long brown hair, she was wearing a light pink apron, a way to big brown straw hat and a light pink skirt. "Good morning kids" she said. Her real name is Dela. (Im going to call her that for now on.) "Morning mom" Ash said. "Good morning Mrs. Ketchump" Max and May say in unison. "Oh yeah Prof. Oak called and tode me to tell you guys that we has a surprise for you guys" Dela said Turning off the faucet. She picked up the brown basket and a drop of water fell on the floor making Mr.Mime say "Mr.Mime" and run over to the spot where the drop of water dropped and sarted sweeping it up. Dela put away the strawberries. "Okay then lets go" ash said getting up. They got up and said by to Dela and walked out of the house. The wind made Mays hair whip across her face. They stared walking and the trees green leafs provided shade for them. They finally made it too Prof. Oaks
lab. They climbed up the white steep stairs and then Ash knocked on the white as snow door. A voice said, "Who is it"? "Prof.Oak its Max, May, Brock and me ash" ash said. "Oh come on in then" the voice said opening up the door. It was Tracy! Tracy has short dark brown hair. Hes wearing a green short sleeve shirt and dark brown shorts. "Tracy" Ash and Brock said at the same time! "Yes its me" Tracy said smiling. "Whos Tracy" May and Max asked at the same time too? "Tracy used to travel with Brock, Misty and me" Ash said answering them. "Whose Misty" said max and May again? "Misty used to travel with us too but she had to go back to her gym because her sisters were going on a cruise and they needed her to watch over the gym" ash said (Im sorry if advanceshippers get mad at me for this but Im a Pokeshipper) with a hint of missing her in his voice. "Oh" Max and May said at the same time. They walked in the lab. "Ive got to go back to work so stay here tell Prof.Oak is ready to see you" Tracy said slipping back into a small room that had brown shelf after brown shelf with book after book. Ash jumped up on the red chair, Max takes one cushion of the couch, and may takes the one beside max and Brock takes the cousin beside May. Then the pokemon door flow open and n ran Pikachu. Pikachu is a yellow mouse with 3 brown stripes on his back. Pikachu jumped on ashs lap and said "Pika pi" in an angry voice. "Im sorry Pikachu" ash said petting his little friends. "Pika pii" said smiling up at Ash. " Oh you guys are here" Prof. Oak said walking up to them. "So what is your surprise for us " Max said. May hit him on the head with her right peach colored hand. "Follow me" Prof. Oak, said trying not to laugh. So they followed the Prof. into a white room. On the right was a big brown board desk with a stack of papers on it as high as 2 feet meaning he was researching something. On the left side were 2 bookshelves with every shelf full of books, maybe the Prof.s reports. By A window on the wall in front of them were three kids. Two of them were girls and the other one is a boy. "This is the surprise, this is Melissa shes 16, this is Steven hes 18 and this is Mendy shes also 18" Prof. Oak said pointing at each one when he said their names. They were looking out the window but they turned to see ash and co. Melissa has long dark red hair. Melissa has a part of her long dark hair in a braid and the rest is not. She is wearing a white shirt that shows off her shoulders. Shes wearing a dark red skirt with a flower pined to the waist of it. The skirt is like 2 feet above her knees. She has red eyes. Steven has short blue hair and has a red cap on it. He has soft green eyes you could melt in if you liked him that is. Has a white shirt on with the collar up and blue jeans. Mendy has long Blonde hair in two ponytails on the side. Has blue eyes as blue as an ocean. She has a white tanktop and over it is a blue jacket halfway zipped up.

I hope you like it.

June 29th, 2005, 9:33 AM

Um, this is really another typical story about Ash & co. Be aware the old fashioned trick of describing characters in a block of words bores the readers. ^^; Try aiming for a different tactic. Also, giving away the characters before the story just ruins it. It's better to somewhere along the road include them in.


"You guys, we overslept," Ash Ketchum remarked, emerging from the left side of May. His cheerful face was slightly concealed by the untidy black hair struggling to stay under the trademark hat of his, the usual outfit he wore free of any signs of wrinkles.

'Cuz like, we all know what Ash wears, but if you want to describe it, you can. Just don't put everything so bluntly. ^_^

June 29th, 2005, 9:37 AM
Okay thanks i'll do better in my next chapter.

JX Valentine
June 30th, 2005, 11:03 AM
As a side note (on top of what LilyPichu mentioned), there's quite a few mistakes in grammar and spelling, plus a few in wording. That can easily be remedied if you:

1. Read over what you've already written. (Many of the mistakes are pretty much in basic English grammar, so I chalk the errors up to simply typing too fast.)

2. Get a better beta-reader. (Basically, a beta-reader is someone who can read over what you wrote and make corrections and suggestions as you go along. They can't be any of your friends or family, as any of them would of course say everything's okay. Find someone who can write using perfect English grammar and spelling and ask them nicely if they have the time to read over what you wrote. If they don't, just keep looking until you find someone who does.)

You also switch back and forth between past tense ("said") and present tense ("is") throughout the fanfiction. Try sticking with one tense (preferably past, though I've seen some people pull off good fics completely in the present tense).

As a small nitpick, Mrs. Ketchum's name is Delia, not Dela. Furthermore, there's an E in Tracey's name. (Yes, there's a difference, especially with Tracey. His name is supposed to be a pun, after all.)

Also, May and Max have already met Misty, unless you're making this entire story be before the Togepi Kingdom episodes (the ones where Misty comes back temporarily). And as a side note, Brock didn't travel with Tracey.

Overall, there's not much of a storyline, but it's only the first chapter. That's a good thing, though, as you're supposed to spend the first few chapters of any fictional work developing the characters, setting, et cetera, so the first few chapters are actually some of the slowest. I can only wonder where you're going with this, though, so I might stick around and watch you.

oni flygon
June 30th, 2005, 4:05 PM
Lily, do I have to be the reaper of fics myself? >>