View Full Version : Are You Going To Wait Forever?

oni flygon
April 2nd, 2006, 6:21 PM
A poem that I wrote today... just out of anxiety and reminiscence...>>

"Are You Going To Wait Forever?"

The sky is proud with a hue of blue,
Without a cloud, without a trace of you.
When I look up, I wonder and I ponder:
If you ever see the sky that I see
Reflecting colors of the shy sea
Then I guess we both see the same thing

Are you going to wait forever?

Will someone ever drown in your deep blue sea?
A person to be with you when you weep through glee
Someone to ride with through troubled times
A boy to write about with crippled rhymes

Are you going to wait forever?

Are you going to watch the stars fall down
And laugh at them when they crawl on ground?
See them bleed crimson and roses for you
While they plead with ebony sweat askew

Are you going to wait forever?

When all has turned to dust, blown in the wind,
When my heart is covered in rust, bones to the brim,
You'll still be standing, watching, waiting
For winter to past, for another spring
For kingdoms to fall, for a succeeding king

Your King, not me, but for your true love
When spring blossoms fall and there are doves above
When ebbing tides die, and the sea subsides
When the two of you watch in perfect harmony...

So are you going to wait forever?

April 4th, 2006, 4:54 AM
hmm....nice. very cool! almost like a shakespeare poem! heh, cool 89/100! LOL!

oni flygon
April 4th, 2006, 2:54 PM
I'm not sure what you mean by Shakespeare-like because I surely don't use Iambic Pentameter... =D

But thanks for the comment anyway... I tried to make my poem sound Bob Dylan-ish...

April 4th, 2006, 3:02 PM
Not bad! ^___^ Your poetry has a mellow, lyrical tone to it; perhaps it'd be compatible as lyrics, too. Near the beginning the word 'sea' got a bit repetitive, and 'cripped' isn't a word. Did you mean crippled? o.o;

Either way, nice job, onii-chan~ ;3

oni flygon
April 4th, 2006, 3:04 PM
I don't know how that got passed the spellcheck, but thanks, Lily! ^^

April 7th, 2006, 2:25 PM
A good poem, even though the rhyme and rhythm are a little hard to follow. It definatly has that "song-like" qualtiy that I use myself. And, I must admit, I'm a sucker for a good, strong refrain. Thank you for sharing the poem with us, and keep it up!

oni flygon
April 7th, 2006, 3:36 PM
Why thank you for the comment... though I intended the rythm to be in a running sort of way... kind of a rythm where it's hard to keep up. And yes, the internal rhymes are a Bob Dylan style that I admire... =D

April 11th, 2006, 3:35 PM
Onigiri you have the stange habit of making your poems sound like they're suposed to be in rhythm when they aren't (or that well at that) XD

oni flygon
April 11th, 2006, 8:11 PM
Why thanks for that small review, Digi... yeah... it's probably the rhymes. I've been experimenting lately about the rhymes, trying to get internal rhymes and with a mix of slant rhymes. But thanks for the comment... I really appreciate more since this isn't really perfect, I'm sure...=D