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oni flygon
May 29th, 2006, 03:29 PM
Another poem of mine. This is the second part of my three part poem with angel motif and themes. Would appreciate feedback and especially critiques! Tell me what you think! :D



Salvation

I feel Night wrap her cold arms around my body,
Laying me upon the soft bed of grass.
She tucks me with the gaping blanket of the sky;
The multitude! Her diamond eyes look down,
Blinking and gazing as I slumber and dream…

She continues to sing the sweet lullaby that lulled me to sleep;
Can you hear it? She whispers the sonnet through the trees.
And together, the leaves sing in unison, the song of life.
In my dreams, they sing of the Angel of Dawn
Whose rosy fingertips give life to the slumbering Earth.

This angel, my redemption angel—
Her eternal kindness defeats the darkness of heartbreak.
Angel of Dawn, of the rolling hills, of salvation,
Won’t you take me away from this blindness?

And the angel rises from the distant horizon,
With brilliant arms stretched to the unending sky…
She closes Night’s weary eyes with her radiant hands,
Then Night retreats to the west and fades to gray.

She reaches to me with her rosy fingertips,
Caressing my cheeks with the warmth of spring.
And as I lie awake, she smiles down at me—
That smile of the morning! Which makes me alive,
Lifts me from my sorrows and sends my spirit to the sky.

To which she redeems this weary and broken soul,
And mends my shattered glass heart.
Redemption, oh, Angel of Dawn!
Bring forth the day so I can seize it!

digi-kun
May 29th, 2006, 05:18 PM
liked the flow of the last one better XD

the flow of this is still good, but just a bit awkward (to me) in some places.
meh
overall it's still good though

Lily
May 29th, 2006, 06:25 PM
I've noticed a similar pattern throughout your poems~ As usual, imagery and descriptions were executed wonderfully, as well as your connection with nature. I love how you portrayed the angels and night's POV~ The rhythm..no specific problems I can pinpoint. It didn't have a rhyme, and since I'm really blind when it comes to poetry, it was difficult for me to discern any.

Such a lovely, mellow tone you used this time.. Nicely done, (again)!

fallen_angel
May 29th, 2006, 06:38 PM
Its good. Even though I haven't read any of your other poems. I feel that you could do better. You don't have to capitalize every time you begin a new line. I think it would look better if you didn't. Only when you need too. I critize to much.Sorry! Its a great poem though.

oni flygon
May 29th, 2006, 06:49 PM
I appreciate the critiques, but I would rather appreciate a more detailed comment on how should I improve rather than "it could've been better". A more towards form and gut rather than structure, because structure is as shallow as death-writing. ;D


Thanks, Digi and Lily. I do appreciate them, and yes, you know I'm rythmically challenged... XD

Miyu-chan
May 29th, 2006, 07:44 PM
I love it! Especially the first stanza, where you wrote,
Her diamond eyes look down,
Blinking and gazing as I slumber and dream…
I love the mixture of metaphors and personification, it's really wonderfully blended.

And the transition of the poem is lovely as well, it's almost like a story. I could visionalize it in my mind. The imagary is breathtaking.

Though rhyme seemed to be non-existant. I'd suggest Alliteration at least, it really does make a difference if you do so.
She reaches to me with her rosy fingertips,
She reaches to me with her rosy red fingertips,
I hope I'm not buchering your poem here, but I think it makes a difference. xD;

Again, wonderful imagery, I'm jealous of your talents. :3

Abolishing Flames
May 29th, 2006, 10:04 PM
Your style feels and sounds much like a form of Transcendentalism, although not to full extent. You depend more on symbols and metaphors and other fancy writing styles and techniques that it doesn't quite fit in the "transcendentalist" genre. Instead, it's much more of a free style with a flowing yet restricted form. I like how you manage to make your poem flow although you chose to restrict it down to stanzas, which is usually not what transcendentalists do. Good job~

Kalylia
May 30th, 2006, 10:56 AM
Another wonderful poem. You're word choices are superb yet again. Your imagery is amazing, and you used personification in ways that most professional poets could never hope to.

The only thing I caught was a basic lack in rhythm and flow. It wasn't anything major. I, as a reader in my own personal opinion, like poetry that almost sings when I read it. Yours flowed most of the time, but there was an occasional lapse where, if I had read it outloud, I would have stumbled.

Marvelously improved in the emotion department over your last one, however. This one got to me very nicely.

~Keep up the good work~

oni flygon
May 30th, 2006, 03:24 PM
Much thanks for the formal critiques and I do appreciate that! =D