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Kalylia
August 16th, 2006, 12:41 PM
WAAAAAAAAAAH! Did someone do a thread cleaning while I was away? *pouts* Okay, well, here's my new Poetry thread then... I wrote this one today in volleyball while I was TOTALLY bored...

Nothing To Lose

"Nothing to lose," she whispered
As the blade flashed 'cross her skin.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered.
And now she'd pay for her sin.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered
As the blood ran down her arm.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered.
She knew she'd do no one harm.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered
As she held the knife again.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered.
She had seen enough of men.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered
As someone grabbed her wrist.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered,
Unaware her brow'd been kissed.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered
As soft fingers grazed her cheek.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered,
Although her resolve grew weak.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered,
Voice pleading against his eyes.
"Nothing to lose," she whispered,
But he wouldn't hear her cries.
"Something to lose," he whispered
As he held her to his chest.
"Something to lose," he whispered.
Here, she knew she'd ever rest.

Hope you enjoyed!

~Ozy~
August 16th, 2006, 03:58 PM
What Went Wrong: Okay, here's what I see as the more negative aspects of the poem. In reading some of your earlier stuff, you show more of a willingness to experiment, to not rigidly adhere to a rhyme scheme, or to allow yourself to be more vibrant in your word choice.

What Went Right: Normally, I'm not a fan of repitition in a poem. You actually manage to pull this off with a certain degree of skill. There was a definate point and use to it, and it blended well with the poem. You poem was well-directed in general, I think.

How To Improve: Be less afraid to break out of your established patterns. Experiment and try to make yourself grow as a poet.

Mechanics: 4. Try to rely less on the apostrophe to make your rhythm work.

Fluidity: 5

Poetic Devices: 3. Again, experiment more.

Originality: 3-4. It's similar to other pieces of your work, albeit in a well-expressed form.

Overall Score: 8/10

Sakura
August 16th, 2006, 07:25 PM
I liked it..to be honest, I was getting a bit tired of the repetition until you abruptly changed it at the very end..it was a pleasant twist. The first half was a bit stiff, in my perspective, so loosen it up a little in the future. It was a nice poem, nonetheless~