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- Seen Dec 30, 2023
Before I begin into what is completely a train of thoughts and conclusions, I'll just let you know that this blog relates to very personal opinions and I guess it's a selfish one too, as for the first time in a while now, I want to speak from my heart and mind, for me, but I guess I'm blogging it because I don't want it to go to waste and always have it to reflect upon. This is my 40th entry.
Ever since I've become aware of what a personality truly is, I've experienced so many changes in myself and who I really am. The past few weeks, nay, months, have been a roller coaster of emotions for me and it's become apparent that my emotions have had an effect on my personality. Whatever that makes me I don't know but it doesn't make me a consistent person. In a way I feel I've gotten through that, unlike most who just say or "decide" they've gotten through something or are not whom they used to be, I discovered this as it had actually happened. It may not make a great deal of sense to those who don't know me very well, but I know I'm once again, at peace with myself and who I truly am. I've given up whatever immature attempts I sub-consciously had to try be someone that I'm not, it's taken me a while to figure that out; that I was trying to be somebody, anybody, other than myself. That may be because I'm not terribly happy with my abilities, I always want to be better, I'm never good enough in my own eyes, I'm my own worst critic minus the advice. Not to say that I'm bad at everything I do, but I don't think my true happiness will lie in my accomplishments, where it does though I don't know.
I think the human race is severely indecisive. What I mean is, no one has one true objective in their life, there is always a side quest or another direction. You could argue that we all aim for survival, which is very true, but I think it's the indecisiveness that makes us unique, that it gives us character and diversity. I can never come to a general opinion or statement about people all over the world, but I think that's as close as I'll get, even if it itself is very general.
I, in a way, tried to be the person I thought others had wanted me to be, that was after I had lost track of myself, second guessed my credibility, became isolated, joined PC and the Internet became a little safe haven from my problems or, for my problems as matters arose. In saying that however, I know now that I'm back on par with my life, I've regained the friends I once had and the grades I had always hoped for, well, almost, but that's another story. My personality was crippled in the process, even my parents didn't know me, my friends, my entire family lost touch. I've never felt so entirely alone. I was faceless at one point, I had no personality, I'll say it, I was fake. It's taken a lot to repent from what I once was. I couldn't look myself in the mirror, you should see appearance when looking upon your reflection, it was the closet I had been to seeing nothing at all. I hit rock bottom. All this wasn't long ago, it seems like a whole child ago but it's just the distance I had traveled emotionally and even physically.
When you lose yourself, you lose everything. I've lost everything that I had attached to me, but in saying that, all that was attached to me became but a mere leech, things in life which drain you and you fall back and struggle to get back up. In a way I seen my future in captivity, I knew I wasn't who I was supposed to be.
I guess, I gave advice at times without listening to my own words, they applied to me much more than they did anyone else, I just didn't think I was ever going to slip.
They say that new years, and the passing of 365 days leading into another begriming of once again, those 365 days, is the time to reflect and cast your bad memories upon the fire along with anything you wished to leave behind. I guess, it's my turn, to let them go, to embrace the new and accept the changes in life, because we all slip, sometimes we just take our time getting back up, and not everyone waits in the cold long enough to see you willing to stand back up.
Ever since I've become aware of what a personality truly is, I've experienced so many changes in myself and who I really am. The past few weeks, nay, months, have been a roller coaster of emotions for me and it's become apparent that my emotions have had an effect on my personality. Whatever that makes me I don't know but it doesn't make me a consistent person. In a way I feel I've gotten through that, unlike most who just say or "decide" they've gotten through something or are not whom they used to be, I discovered this as it had actually happened. It may not make a great deal of sense to those who don't know me very well, but I know I'm once again, at peace with myself and who I truly am. I've given up whatever immature attempts I sub-consciously had to try be someone that I'm not, it's taken me a while to figure that out; that I was trying to be somebody, anybody, other than myself. That may be because I'm not terribly happy with my abilities, I always want to be better, I'm never good enough in my own eyes, I'm my own worst critic minus the advice. Not to say that I'm bad at everything I do, but I don't think my true happiness will lie in my accomplishments, where it does though I don't know.
I think the human race is severely indecisive. What I mean is, no one has one true objective in their life, there is always a side quest or another direction. You could argue that we all aim for survival, which is very true, but I think it's the indecisiveness that makes us unique, that it gives us character and diversity. I can never come to a general opinion or statement about people all over the world, but I think that's as close as I'll get, even if it itself is very general.
I, in a way, tried to be the person I thought others had wanted me to be, that was after I had lost track of myself, second guessed my credibility, became isolated, joined PC and the Internet became a little safe haven from my problems or, for my problems as matters arose. In saying that however, I know now that I'm back on par with my life, I've regained the friends I once had and the grades I had always hoped for, well, almost, but that's another story. My personality was crippled in the process, even my parents didn't know me, my friends, my entire family lost touch. I've never felt so entirely alone. I was faceless at one point, I had no personality, I'll say it, I was fake. It's taken a lot to repent from what I once was. I couldn't look myself in the mirror, you should see appearance when looking upon your reflection, it was the closet I had been to seeing nothing at all. I hit rock bottom. All this wasn't long ago, it seems like a whole child ago but it's just the distance I had traveled emotionally and even physically.
When you lose yourself, you lose everything. I've lost everything that I had attached to me, but in saying that, all that was attached to me became but a mere leech, things in life which drain you and you fall back and struggle to get back up. In a way I seen my future in captivity, I knew I wasn't who I was supposed to be.
I guess, I gave advice at times without listening to my own words, they applied to me much more than they did anyone else, I just didn't think I was ever going to slip.
They say that new years, and the passing of 365 days leading into another begriming of once again, those 365 days, is the time to reflect and cast your bad memories upon the fire along with anything you wished to leave behind. I guess, it's my turn, to let them go, to embrace the new and accept the changes in life, because we all slip, sometimes we just take our time getting back up, and not everyone waits in the cold long enough to see you willing to stand back up.
